Chronicles of the Good Guy - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #16 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-28-2013, 09:14 PM
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

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Buying a new (used) car as we speak. Now that I'm back in control of my finances, it's amazing the freedom I have all of a sudden! How in the hell did she spend all that money with nothing to show for it?!?

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One helluva question, isn't it?

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post #17 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-29-2013, 09:24 AM Thread Starter
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One helluva question, isn't it?
One for the ages Conrad.
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post #18 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-29-2013, 10:39 AM
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

I spent my husband's money on clothing and spas because he neglected me emotionally and physically, and it made me feel like sh!t. Nice clothing and spa treatments made me feel better about myself. It was replacement therapy.

Funny, since he's moved out I haven't needed to do that anymore...
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post #19 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-29-2013, 09:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

Sorry to hear that Fem. I didn't neglect my wife emotionally or physically. We talked constantly, and I loved being intimate. My crime was not keeping my sex rank up physically and becoming "boring". Oh and marrying the wrong woman to begin with. What's funny is she claimed to hate shopping, and yet that's what she turned to most often when she decided she needed "therapy". Couldn't ever be happy with what she had.
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post #20 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-30-2013, 08:30 AM
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

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Buying a new (used) car as we speak. Now that I'm back in control of my finances, it's amazing the freedom I have all of a sudden! How in the hell did she spend all that money with nothing to show for it?!?

Feeling great!
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Congratulations on your new (used) vehicle!

As to how she spent your money, only she would know. I presume you saw no new purchases or evidence of her spending habits?

About 15 years ago, my H and I were having marital problems and I consulted with an attorney. At that time (and understanding that my H was "tight" with the family money) she advised that I purchase jewelry and small items of value aka "portable wealth". Fast forward 15 years later, I am currently divorced with an extensive jewelry collection that my Ex never paid attention to while I was buying the stuff.
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post #21 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-30-2013, 08:58 AM
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

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Sorry to hear that Fem. I didn't neglect my wife emotionally or physically. We talked constantly, and I loved being intimate. My crime was not keeping my sex rank up physically and becoming "boring". Oh and marrying the wrong woman to begin with. What's funny is she claimed to hate shopping, and yet that's what she turned to most often when she decided she needed "therapy". Couldn't ever be happy with what she had.
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A lot of women use retail therapy for whatever ails them.

Funny, my husband ALWAYS had to have the latest, greatest techie thing, and it made me crazy. He spent SO MUCH MONEY on the newest phone or whatever as soon as it came out, only to be discarded when the next shiny thing came on the market, even though the one he had worked just fine.

So he wasted just as much money as I did, so he can't really complain about my spending
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post #22 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-30-2013, 12:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

Survivor wife, thanks for replying. Yeah, I had an idea of her spending habits, I suppose it was more of a rethorical question. It was the grocery store that probably took a bulk of the funds. Being a chef, she was constantly stocking our fridge with gourmet eats.. But it was always too much food, and we would end up going out a lot on top of that, so half the food would go bad before we could eat it. That gets really frustrating to watch exotic fruits and veggies just rot away because you can't use them fast enough.

Fem, I know guys like that too. Even though I'm a techie, I tend to wait to get toys until they're a model behind, or skip a model altogether. I try to be frugal. For instance my iPhone 4 was initially provided by my workplace, and they pay the monthly plan. I've had it for well over two years now. Lots of people at work switched to the 4s and then the 5 out of their own pockets. I have decided to wait until the 5s or the 6 comes out. Mainly because I want 4g..
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post #23 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-30-2013, 01:55 PM
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

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Survivor wife, thanks for replying. Yeah, I had an idea of her spending habits, I suppose it was more of a rethorical question. It was the grocery store that probably took a bulk of the funds. Being a chef, she was constantly stocking our fridge with gourmet eats.. But it was always too much food, and we would end up going out a lot on top of that, so half the food would go bad before we could eat it. That gets really frustrating to watch exotic fruits and veggies just rot away because you can't use them fast enough.
Same way in my house w/ my STBXH, for similar reasons. I don't waste (nearly as much) food now. Another positive change I've been trying to change my habits since he left.

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Fem, I know guys like that too. Even though I'm a techie, I tend to wait to get toys until they're a model behind, or skip a model altogether. I try to be frugal. For instance my iPhone 4 was initially provided by my workplace, and they pay the monthly plan. I've had it for well over two years now. Lots of people at work switched to the 4s and then the 5 out of their own pockets. I have decided to wait until the 5s or the 6 comes out. Mainly because I want 4g.
I'm like you, though I'm an Android girl. I bought the Galaxy S the week the Galaxy S2 came out, and I only upgraded to the S3 right before the S4 was released. I love it and it does what I need, and I won't replace it for a long while. The only reason I even upgraded to the S3 was because 1) I wanted 4G, and 2) They finally released Instagram for Android, but it wouldn't work on the S1 and would crash the S2 (from what other users told me) -- so I waited as long as I possibly could

My STBXH also had NO concept of money at all. Before we were together, he was paid twice a month, and like clockwork, 3-4 days before payday he was overdrafting his bank account. When he left that job, I took over the finances (a year before we married), and he started just signing over his paychecks to me. When he started bartending, and he would bring home cash, he was always like, "whoa! I'm making so much money!" and just wanted to spend it, because he couldn't think far ahead to say, maybe I shouldn't spend any of this because rent is due in two weeks, and these other bills are coming up... so I started depositing it as quickly as possible. I didn't want to put him on an allowance; I wanted him to learn how to be responsible. So I said he could take out of his earnings what he felt he needed for spending money, but once it was deposited, it was off-limits; but if his spending was affecting our finances and ability to save and pay bills, he would have to cut back. So what does he start doing? He starts hiding money, so he can have rainy day fun money - while my entire paycheck is going into our shared accounts. Well, I found the money and deposited it - boy, did that p!ss him off! And he didn't understand why I was upset, even though I explained it to him very clearly. He insisted that it was an emergency fund for US, in case there was a virus/terrorist attack on the banking system, so we would have readily available cash. If so, why did he feel the need to hide it? He would give his friend a wad of cash, which his friend would then send to STBXH via PayPal, ostensibly so he could buy gifts for me without my knowledge; but most of that money was spent on 1) porn; 2) a sword and other useless crap from ebay; and 3) yet another flat-screen TV we didn't need. He stopped using the PP account over a year ago, but I wouldn't be surprised if he opened a new PP account or was hiding cash somewhere and took it with him when he moved out, considering his history.

Sorry, that was a little tangential!

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post #24 of 615 (permalink) Old 11-02-2013, 04:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

I can't believe it's been over 2 months since I've posted to my own thread. How time flies.

I don't know that I have much to report, but I'll try. I'm doing well. D7 and I have our routines in place to get her to school, me to work, her picked up from after school care etc. We're going to restaurants more than I'd like but it's more of a "I'm worn out" thing than a "I can't cook" thing. ExW has been through a few more part time jobs and only sees her on Sundays. It's sad but I'm so glad D7 is with me and not having to feel like she has to take care of her mom. I can't imagine what things would be like if ExW had primary custody. She stuck in a spiral of the victim chair and martyrdom. I've been told several times "I know I screwed up big time. I'm so sorry. I guess I'm getting punished for what I did". F that. Pick yourself up by your big girl panties and start being a better role model for your daughter. If you really care about seeing D7 you would take those jobs that you have passed on in the past (office jobs) so that you have your nights and weekends back. It isn't about D7. It's about her selfishness. But I digress.

I have dated a little bit. And I mean 3 dates lol. I have posted on a couple of other threads about not understanding the dating game these days. I'm hoping that I find the type of woman who has grown out of playing the field and knows what she wants in a relationship. I haven't tried online dating and not quite ready to try, but maybe I'm getting closer to opening that box.
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post #25 of 615 (permalink) Old 11-02-2013, 08:14 AM
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

Hi Goodguy. I read this thread for the first time and wondered why did it take me so long?
Deejo had some good advice because I'm over-analyzing and not being laid back and let the cards fall where they may. And the thing is, I'm capable of the laid back guy. I just can't worry about how it goes with this ONE girl.
I've been to the MMSL website and read the book. I see some truth to the philosophy, but there are some parts where I shake my head and say, if I did that I'm a total prick. And that's not me. But I don't want to end up in a friend zone because of the way I act or handle things either.
I senta text to her yesterday, but I've decided to not send anymore. At least not now.
The Halloween party is tonight. She's gonna be there too, so this is my chance to get to know her and see where things go.

On a side note, I have primary custody of my two kids (D12,S7). Their mom moved to another state and plays the martyr/feel sorry for me card for destroying the marriage. And she's SELFISH! So I can totally empathize with you on this. How close to Houston are you? haha
Sorry for the partial hijack of your thread.

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post #26 of 615 (permalink) Old 11-02-2013, 08:24 AM
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

Good to see you're still posting GG. I take it there is no residual feeling for the ex now. Good stuff.

I take my hat off to you for stepping up to the plate with your kid. Routine is good for now. She needs the stability you provide.

Internet dating works quite well for some people. It's not for everyone but it certainly helped me. I hope you feel comfortable enough to give it a try one day.

Cheers
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post #27 of 615 (permalink) Old 11-02-2013, 08:52 AM
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

GG - nice to see you're doing so well!!

D7 is a lucky little girl to have you. Sounds like you are doing a great job with her.

Sorry the dating isn't going so well. Give it some time, be patient. I'm sure you will meet a really great girl eventually.

You know what they say, good things come to those who wait.
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post #28 of 615 (permalink) Old 11-02-2013, 11:39 AM
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

Thanks for the update. Your ex was very dependent on you for stability. She is still absorbing that fact.
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post #29 of 615 (permalink) Old 11-02-2013, 05:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

HD, I'm in Arkansas, not really all that close to Houston. Have you read my original thread in 'Going through divorce..'? The link is in the original post on page one of this thread.

Torn, no residual feelings. I'm so happy to be off of that roller coaster. Thanks for the kind words. I'm just doing what is instinctual for me. I can't wrap my mind around those who can flip a switch and turn off 'parent mode' and walk away.

SS, good to hear from you! I didn't mean to make it sound like dating was going badly, just slowly. That's probably best for me right now anyway.

LW, yes. I told my IC a while back that my Ex was no where near this crazy when we were married. She said she didn't doubt that at all, that my Ex was kept mostly upright by my stability. When she walked away, she fell HARD, and I'm not even sure if she's done falling yet.
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post #30 of 615 (permalink) Old 11-02-2013, 06:30 PM
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

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HD, I'm in Arkansas, not really all that close to Houston. Have you read my original thread in 'Going through divorce..'? The link is in the original post on page one of this thread.

Torn, no residual feelings. I'm so happy to be off of that roller coaster. Thanks for the kind words. I'm just doing what is instinctual for me. I can't wrap my mind around those who can flip a switch and turn off 'parent mode' and walk away.

SS, good to hear from you! I didn't mean to make it sound like dating was going badly, just slowly. That's probably best for me right now anyway.

LW, yes. I told my IC a while back that my Ex was no where near this crazy when we were married. She said she didn't doubt that at all, that my Ex was kept mostly upright by my stability. When she walked away, she fell HARD, and I'm not even sure if she's done falling yet.
You felt like she'd love you for that stability.

Not even close.
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