Chronicles of the Good Guy - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-21-2013, 11:08 PM Thread Starter
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Chronicles of the Good Guy

Hello all. First thread in the LAD land. I've been scarce these days, but things are going well for me. I know the pain and suffering that many others are feeling, and hope my old thread helps someone out there. If you'd like to read my story, you can read it here: The emotional roller coaster

I can't promise to keep this updated as often as others, but as I have updates I will try to update this thread going forward.

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post #2 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-21-2013, 11:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

So.. first question: Where is the line between being a "pick up artist" and and genuine good guy (not nice guy)?

I have been divorced for over a month (woo... long time huh) and have a lunch scheduled with a gal that is friends with a friend of mine. We have been chatting a bit via FB, but nothing serious. I know I'm not ready for serious. After reading MMSLP, I got the feeling (and he even gave props) that much of the attitude was based on the PUA mindset.

So let's say I meet this gal for lunch tomorrow, things go OK, leads to more lunches and then dates, and she eventually says "well, I kinda have a boyfriend". The PUA might say "so, what's the problem?". I don't think I can operate like that. I understand I'm not ready for anything serious right now, so this is more of a theoretical question for later on.

If I get the "I have a boyfriend" thing, my first instinct would be to distance myself from a woman, as the last thing I want to be is a POSOM in someone else's relationship, married or not. So how do you distinguish between the genuine "Dude, I'm not into you so I'll say I have a bf to get out of this" and the fitness test of "would he actually fight for me?". Now that I type that out it sounds quite manipulative and I wouldn't want to be with a person like that anyway, but do woman say things like that to gauge a guys response to see if they should pursue further?
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post #3 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-22-2013, 06:22 AM
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

Just be yourself. Watch for red flags. Come to grips with your own PoS tendencies.

Don't overthink.

Have low expectations.

Make her laugh. Have fun.

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

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post #4 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-22-2013, 07:30 AM
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

All's fair in love and war, unless it's against your ethical standards. Out muscling an existent boyfriend is one thing, going after someone single but in an LTR with kids is another.

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post #5 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-22-2013, 08:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

Thanks 3S and LW. I'm certainly going in with no expectations. Good practice if nothing else. It's just what I do sometimes is to analyze too much. Working on it, and practice will help.
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post #6 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-22-2013, 09:06 AM
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

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Originally Posted by TheGoodGuy View Post
So.. first question: Where is the line between being a "pick up artist" and and genuine good guy (not nice guy)?

I have been divorced for over a month (woo... long time huh) and have a lunch scheduled with a gal that is friends with a friend of mine. We have been chatting a bit via FB, but nothing serious. I know I'm not ready for serious. After reading MMSLP, I got the feeling (and he even gave props) that much of the attitude was based on the PUA mindset.

So let's say I meet this gal for lunch tomorrow, things go OK, leads to more lunches and then dates, and she eventually says "well, I kinda have a boyfriend". The PUA might say "so, what's the problem?". I don't think I can operate like that. I understand I'm not ready for anything serious right now, so this is more of a theoretical question for later on.

If I get the "I have a boyfriend" thing, my first instinct would be to distance myself from a woman, as the last thing I want to be is a POSOM in someone else's relationship, married or not. So how do you distinguish between the genuine "Dude, I'm not into you so I'll say I have a bf to get out of this" and the fitness test of "would he actually fight for me?". Now that I type that out it sounds quite manipulative and I wouldn't want to be with a person like that anyway, but do woman say things like that to gauge a guys response to see if they should pursue further?
I would think that any single woman who "kinda has a boyfriend" is telling you that some other man is number one in her life and letting you decide whether you want to be number two. If you feel she is manipulating you into a position of fighting for her, you might want to consider whether you really want to be with a manipulating woman.

Nice woman don't play those games. A nice woman will tell you up front that she is either playing the field (multiple dates) or at some level of seriousness with one man. A nice woman will have no other intention but to inform you of her status. Only a manipulative woman will tell you this with the expectation that you will modify your pursuit of her.
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post #7 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-22-2013, 09:13 AM
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

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Thanks 3S and LW. I'm certainly going in with no expectations. Good practice if nothing else. It's just what I do sometimes is to analyze too much. Working on it, and practice will help.
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Wow..you sure do overthink stuff! If you have any doubts about a woman's status then ask her. If you don't like the answer then end the date on a polite note and delete her from your contacts.

I hate messy situations and avoid them at all costs. Drama isn't my thing. Game playing isn't my thing. If I see that in anyone I stay far, far away.

Always go with your gut reaction. If something doesn't feel right to you then it probably isn't.

D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013
And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
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post #8 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-22-2013, 07:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

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Originally Posted by Freak On a Leash View Post
Wow..you sure do overthink stuff! If you have any doubts about a woman's status then ask her. If you don't like the answer then end the date on a polite note and delete her from your contacts.

I hate messy situations and avoid them at all costs. Drama isn't my thing. Game playing isn't my thing. If I see that in anyone I stay far, far away.

Always go with your gut reaction. If something doesn't feel right to you then it probably isn't.
Yes, I do. In the heat of the moment I don't, but I can make myself crazy over analyzing things beforehand, lol! I'm working on it.
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post #9 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-22-2013, 07:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

My IC was playfully teasing me about the "date" and asked if I was nervous. I told her honestly that I was not, because I was going into it with no expectations. Best case we hit it off and continue slowly. Worst case is she's a nut case, I am "aware" and run far far away. Or somewhere in the middle, one or the other is not interested in that way and I end up with a friend. It was a win win win scenario for me so there were no nerves involved.

So the lunch went well. I don't even want to call it a date. She's very pretty, very nice, and easy to talk to. We talked about our respective jobs, hobbies, etc. Talked a bit about our pasts but didn't get too deep. We had a really good discussion about codependency, boundaries, and how you can't make someone else happy. No clue if this will lead anywhere, and that's OK. I'm happy moving slowly and observing.
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post #10 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-23-2013, 10:26 AM
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

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I would think that any single woman who "kinda has a boyfriend" is telling you that some other man is number one in her life and letting you decide whether you want to be number two. If you feel she is manipulating you into a position of fighting for her, you might want to consider whether you really want to be with a manipulating woman.

Nice woman don't play those games. A nice woman will tell you up front that she is either playing the field (multiple dates) or at some level of seriousness with one man. A nice woman will have no other intention but to inform you of her status. Only a manipulative woman will tell you this with the expectation that you will modify your pursuit of her.


And I don't think it will take multiple "dates" for you to find out if she has a boyfriend. If she has a boyfriend, it will come out in conversation when you're having coffee or lunch or whatever that first time - you'll say something, and she'll respond, "Oh, my boyfriend and I..." If she waits several dates, and then is like, "Uh, well, I have a boyfriend..." she's probably decided that she's not really into you. (But she might have a cute friend that she would like to set you up with...)

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post #11 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-23-2013, 10:33 AM
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post #12 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-23-2013, 04:57 PM
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

You ... Stop it.

Stop thinking about how things 'might be', or 'might turn out'.

Stop.

Being able to remove the expectation of an outcome is the BIGGEST step you can make as you venture into the trenches of dating.

Treat these initial meetings as labs or test cases. I'm not joking.

I don't get nervous about dates at all. I don't concern myself with whether or not she thinks I'm the cat's pajamas or if she'll want to see me again.

You know why? Because I've gone on lots of dates. For no other purpose than to get comfortable interacting with someone on a date.

If I understand you correctly, you are imagining scenarios that haven't even happened, or may not be true. Yeah ... don't do that.

I have a very simple premise when I go on a date. I automatically presume she is seeing other people. You know why? Because YOU should be seeing other people too.

If she's on a date with you, and brings up having a boyfriend, she is indeed looking for you to make the circumstances ok ... so, tell her you don't care. Then ask her what she likes about him. Then ask her what isn't working so well, given that she is in fact on a date and talking about the guy she is supposedly involved with ... with another guy, you. See how easy that is? Once again, YOU then get to decide what direction things go in. If she sounds like a lot of work and drama, easy enough to friend-zone yourself. Point is, YOU steer things, don't leave it up to her ... again, unless you already know you're looking for an out.

Just learn how to interact and relax. If you aren't good at reading non-verbal cues, then learn them.

Focus on being the YOU that you want to be. Don't worry about the date. If you are fun, confident and comfortable, you aren't ever going to end up on anyone's nightmare date list.

Pickup Artistry has little to do with what you want to accomplish. I do however recommend that guys who are utterly oblivious to dating, reading, or relating to women get one of the books. Should you follow it to the letter? Sure, if you want to get smacked and look ridiculous. I'm going to presume if you are a male older than the age of 19 you will be able to read the material and separate the wheat from the chaff.

If you are a fun, relaxed date and don't presume you are on an interview to be someones soul-mate, you will do just fine.

But all of that over-analyzing thing? Knock that sh!t off.

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Last edited by Deejo; 08-23-2013 at 05:05 PM.
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post #13 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-23-2013, 09:34 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you. I'm not sure that this is what I'm looking for, but at least it gives me an idea of what reasons they might say IHAB.
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post #14 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-23-2013, 09:35 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
You ... Stop it.

Stop thinking about how things 'might be', or 'might turn out'.

Stop.

Being able to remove the expectation of an outcome is the BIGGEST step you can make as you venture into the trenches of dating.

Treat these initial meetings as labs or test cases. I'm not joking.

I don't get nervous about dates at all. I don't concern myself with whether or not she thinks I'm the cat's pajamas or if she'll want to see me again.

You know why? Because I've gone on lots of dates. For no other purpose than to get comfortable interacting with someone on a date.

If I understand you correctly, you are imagining scenarios that haven't even happened, or may not be true. Yeah ... don't do that.

I have a very simple premise when I go on a date. I automatically presume she is seeing other people. You know why? Because YOU should be seeing other people too.

If she's on a date with you, and brings up having a boyfriend, she is indeed looking for you to make the circumstances ok ... so, tell her you don't care. Then ask her what she likes about him. Then ask her what isn't working so well, given that she is in fact on a date and talking about the guy she is supposedly involved with ... with another guy, you. See how easy that is? Once again, YOU then get to decide what direction things go in. If she sounds like a lot of work and drama, easy enough to friend-zone yourself. Point is, YOU steer things, don't leave it up to her ... again, unless you already know you're looking for an out.

Just learn how to interact and relax. If you aren't good at reading non-verbal cues, then learn them.

Focus on being the YOU that you want to be. Don't worry about the date. If you are fun, confident and comfortable, you aren't ever going to end up on anyone's nightmare date list.

Pickup Artistry has little to do with what you want to accomplish. I do however recommend that guys who are utterly oblivious to dating, reading, or relating to women get one of the books. Should you follow it to the letter? Sure, if you want to get smacked and look ridiculous. I'm going to presume if you are a male older than the age of 19 you will be able to read the material and separate the wheat from the chaff.

If you are a fun, relaxed date and don't presume you are on an interview to be someones soul-mate, you will do just fine.

But all of that over-analyzing thing? Knock that sh!t off.
:-) thanks man, this is helpful.
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post #15 of 615 (permalink) Old 08-28-2013, 05:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Chronicles of the Good Guy

Buying a new (used) car as we speak. Now that I'm back in control of my finances, it's amazing the freedom I have all of a sudden! How in the hell did she spend all that money with nothing to show for it?!?

Feeling great!
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