Two week notice - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #136 of 177 (permalink) Old 08-07-2015, 09:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

Quick update.
Triple D did not come to DD graduation, or acknowledge it. He did see a picture one of my sister's posted on FB and liked it, I suppose he thinks that's something. Its not.

Anyway I contacted him in May about processing the paperwork for DD's 529 plan. He could either list me as a co-owner and I would do the grunt work, or take care of the distribution himself. The divorce gave each of us one 529 plan for each DD, and the obligation to split anything else not covered. Triple D said he would process the distribution. I checked in July and nothing had been done, so I sent him an email. I got no response. The girls and I went off on vacation and when we got back, still nothing. I sent him another email telling him the bill was due. No response. So this morning I said he could either respond to my communications or explain this to a judge.

Presto! I got an actual call. He was shocked by my email, he didn't know how to do this, why was I so impatient, why was I so short with him, he promises he'll do it Monday, and was I really taking him to court. I said if he actually does what he's already promised to do, I won't bring this to court. He did not ask to speak with his children.

I think I'll draft a motion up this weekend, just in case.


In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #137 of 177 (permalink) Old 08-07-2015, 09:55 PM
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Re: Two week notice

Why does none of this surprise me? Sigh

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post #138 of 177 (permalink) Old 08-12-2015, 08:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

I was a little mean yesterday-I should know better.
I sent Triple D the existing bill from DD's college and quoted the paragraph in the divorce that requires us to split the balance after 529 and financial aid, along with the address of the billing department for the school. I know full well he will never pay.

I thought I would hear back about how poor he is, and how he couldn't possibly pay this amount. He did call, but only to tell me how stupid I was to let her go to such an expensive school. I cut him off and said I was providing him with pertinent information about our daughter's education, as required, and hung up.

I could take him to court to enforce the decree and I would win. But I also know I will never collect. I have a garnishment order for child support and he's behind on that-he's learned how to hide money. The most I would get in my state is a contempt of court for failure to abide by the decree, and they could arrest him if he ever shows up in the state again. In the almost two year since the divorce he's been here twice, and only for a day. So its hardly worth the effort.

So student loans for the amounts I can't cover. It is what it is. And that was the last communication I ever intend to make.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #139 of 177 (permalink) Old 08-12-2015, 09:58 AM
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Re: Two week notice

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I was a little mean yesterday-I should know better.
I sent Triple D the existing bill from DD's college and quoted the paragraph in the divorce that requires us to split the balance after 529 and financial aid, along with the address of the billing department for the school. I know full well he will never pay.

I thought I would hear back about how poor he is, and how he couldn't possibly pay this amount. He did call, but only to tell me how stupid I was to let her go to such an expensive school. I cut him off and said I was providing him with pertinent information about our daughter's education, as required, and hung up.

I could take him to court to enforce the decree and I would win. But I also know I will never collect. I have a garnishment order for child support and he's behind on that-he's learned how to hide money. The most I would get in my state is a contempt of court for failure to abide by the decree, and they could arrest him if he ever shows up in the state again. In the almost two year since the divorce he's been here twice, and only for a day. So its hardly worth the effort.

So student loans for the amounts I can't cover. It is what it is. And that was the last communication I ever intend to make.
It's sad that your daughter is being punished for his d0uche canoery. I hope she's not too disappointed, but I'm guessing that she already figured he wasn't going to pay up.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #140 of 177 (permalink) Old 08-12-2015, 10:00 AM
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Re: Two week notice

PS And honestly, it sucks that she has to take out the loans, but it's not the worst thing in the world, especially since she's not borrowing the full amount. It's the "good" kind of debt to have, and as long as she starts paying them off right after graduation and keeps up with it, it will help her to establish good credit, which will help her in the long run.

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post #141 of 177 (permalink) Old 08-12-2015, 10:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

She knows he's not going to pay and has said she doesn't want me to take this to court right now. Sweet girl thinks I'm under enough stress now. I thought about borrowing the money out of my 401K, at least for this year's bill, and let her do the loan route next year. I don't know.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #142 of 177 (permalink) Old 08-12-2015, 03:00 PM
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Re: Two week notice

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She knows he's not going to pay and has said she doesn't want me to take this to court right now. Sweet girl thinks I'm under enough stress now. I thought about borrowing the money out of my 401K, at least for this year's bill, and let her do the loan route next year. I don't know.
Don't borrow the money out of your 401k! If she takes out federal loans, you'll probably lose MORE in 401k interest than she'll pay in interest on a federal loan.

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post #143 of 177 (permalink) Old 04-28-2016, 09:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

Its been a while since I actually posted on my thread. I'm having one of those weeks.

I'm making a lateral move at work. Its more money and more interesting work, but my current supervisor is being really pissy about my decision and expects me to work 60 plus hours a week to get some projects completed. I don't want this to get ugly, but that is something I just can't do and I've told him. His response was "We'll see." What the hell does that mean?

The ex has disappeared. He lost his last job, I'm not sure what the circumstances were. All I know is that the garnishment action to recover child support can't collect anything else. I now have no address, no phone number and a deactivated FB page for him. Triple D is that gift that keeps on giving. He never released the 529 plan for my eldest to use for college. Maybe he figured out he could cash it in. Sure there's a tax penalty for doing that, but he hasn't filed taxes in three years so I doubt he cares.

Thursday I go in for another biopsy for more suspected melanoma. I'm not too concerned since my dermatologist is on top of things. Just another brick in the wall.

On the personal front, I was asked out on a date-then learned immediately after the invitation that the guy was married. I hadn't said yes, but I thought for an instant that it was kind of flattering, turns out it was kibble.

So that's it for my update. Hope you all are doing well.
Pluto2

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #144 of 177 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 12:46 PM
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Re: Two week notice

Can you contact the 529 plan administrator's office and see if he has cashed? Then report to the IRS. I'm sure you still have his SS# somewhere to give them/reference.

Did he do something that would benefit from having a linkedin profile?

Is he likely working "under the table"?

Does he have family who would help you get in contact with him about your child's college?

It might be worthwhile to hire a PI to locate him. Should cost less than $500 (should cost a LOT less but depends on how hard it is to find him) so depending on what you have to gain by finding him might be worth while.

In my state parents aren't obligated to pay for college at all. I didn't realize it at the time but it's recommended that it's incorporated into the initial divorce decree or support order and I didn't. I knew he stood to inherit a substantial amount so I wish I had done that but it's not worth going back to court now. Plus probably too late by the time we actually GET to court.

Over all, I'm sure life is better without TripleD so maybe it's the price we pay for peace.


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post #145 of 177 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 01:25 PM
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Re: Two week notice

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Thursday I go in for another biopsy for more suspected melanoma. I'm not too concerned since my dermatologist is on top of things. Just another brick in the wall.


Pluto2

Please keep us posted on the melanoma. Pluto, you know I nearly died from that. Surgery, radiation and chemo. Thankfully, I'm cancer free for 8 years now.

One of my tender memories. I was so sick from the chemo I would lay in my bathroom. My wife would come in with a blanket and pillow and lay down with me. She would hug me and rub me and tell me she loved me so much.

Sort of like the opening line of a Tale of Two Cities. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...."

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post #146 of 177 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 06:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

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Originally Posted by EnjoliWoman View Post
Can you contact the 529 plan administrator's office and see if he has cashed? Then report to the IRS. I'm sure you still have his SS# somewhere to give them/reference.

Did he do something that would benefit from having a linkedin profile?

Is he likely working "under the table"?

Does he have family who would help you get in contact with him about your child's college?

It might be worthwhile to hire a PI to locate him. Should cost less than $500 (should cost a LOT less but depends on how hard it is to find him) so depending on what you have to gain by finding him might be worth while.

In my state parents aren't obligated to pay for college at all. I didn't realize it at the time but it's recommended that it's incorporated into the initial divorce decree or support order and I didn't. I knew he stood to inherit a substantial amount so I wish I had done that but it's not worth going back to court now. Plus probably too late by the time we actually GET to court.

Over all, I'm sure life is better without TripleD so maybe it's the price we pay for peace.
Because he is the owner of the 529 plan, the administrator can't release information to me. I'm not a co-owner.

He had a linkedin account, but hasn't updated in about five years-I checked that. He's alienated many in his family so I don't see them helping him out much, but who knows. They aren't very supportive of higher education, so I could honestly see them siding with him about the account. Under our divorce decree, we each agreed to pay half of what was not covered by the 529. So I can always go after him for a breach of contract. I was also successful in putting a clause in the decree that child support continues through college, even though that's not mandated in our state. Big deal since I doubt I'll ever see it.

I don't know if he's working under the table or not. He has a nasty temper, and frankly not many people have been willing to put up with it.

The only thing I can think of is that he might move to a different state where one of the GF's live. But that's a guess.

I'm not ready to go the PI route and waste more money on his butt. At this point, the only benefit of finding him would be to prosecuting him for failure to pay child support. So what. I could toss him in jail, and still not get paid anything other than what he makes in jail.
IDK, its pretty sad for a father to do this to his kids.

Right now I don't have the fight in me. Maybe I'll change my mind in a couple of months. Lots going on unrelated to Triple D.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #147 of 177 (permalink) Old 05-03-2016, 08:59 AM
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Re: Two week notice

Sometimes the peace of mind is worth it. We know our kids know who has their back. My relationship with my daughter has seen some really rough times and we are past that now. I'm just glad she is in my life and I have asked if he will help and she doesn't think so and she doesn't want it. She'd rather have loans. Part of me feels it's short sighted but on the other hand, I have to respect her not wanting his help when it makes her feel indebted to someone she sure doesn't want to be indebted to.

Take care of you and yours - sounds like it is wasted energy. Let karma run its course.


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post #148 of 177 (permalink) Old 05-05-2016, 03:18 PM
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Re: Two week notice

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Originally Posted by EnjoliWoman View Post
Sometimes the peace of mind is worth it. We know our kids know who has their back. My relationship with my daughter has seen some really rough times and we are past that now. I'm just glad she is in my life and I have asked if he will help and she doesn't think so and she doesn't want it. She'd rather have loans. Part of me feels it's short sighted but on the other hand, I have to respect her not wanting his help when it makes her feel indebted to someone she sure doesn't want to be indebted to.



Take care of you and yours - sounds like it is wasted energy. Let karma run its course.


She's learned to not expect his assistance from someone - and for good reason.
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post #149 of 177 (permalink) Old 05-06-2016, 01:16 PM
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Re: Two week notice

I'm stubborn that way, though. I'd pay for the PI and also find a legal route to force him to release the funds. Because it's your daughter who will end up with the debt if you don't.
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post #150 of 177 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 08:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

Pathology came back and its ok. Whew. The stitches come out the 19th.

A good thing that came out of this is that both my DD (both fair skinned redheads), now advocate for 50+ SPF with all their friends.

I've asked a few ex-family members if they've heard from Triple D, they all say no they haven't spoken to him since Christmas. That doesn't surprise me. I did a public record search and he got a speeding ticket in South Carolina. So that's a start.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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