Two week notice - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #46 of 177 (permalink) Old 12-30-2013, 09:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

The ex came up and stayed a grand total of 36 hours. He was polite to the kids.
I triggered all over myself. He looked just wretched and complained about not being able to pay his rent. I thought about double-checking that he was getting medical help, but I remembered I am not his spouse. He is a big boy and can go to the doctor if he wants.
When he told me he was leaving, I asked when I was going to get the rest of the support. He looked confused and said he paid. I reminded him that he was five months behind, not two and he said I was wrong. I pulled up the emails from August and he said he could make an email say whatever he wanted. He was going to take me to court to reduce the support. The boy only pays 600 a month for two kids. He wants it reduced to 100 because its not fair that he has nothing. He is a college grad and chooses to work part-time for minimum wage. I'm not going to hold my breath for him to actually take me to court. He also failed to execute the car insurance forms I sent him weeks ago, so I printed them off and had him sign them before he left. Now I don't have to keep him on the car insurance.
So his car registration, and license are out of date and he has no insurance all because its not fair that he has to take care of the paperwork and pay money.
My stomach hurts.
I should go to the gym

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post #47 of 177 (permalink) Old 01-06-2014, 08:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

So apparently its not just that my ex doesn't think its fair that he should have to support his kids, but he blew through the fifteen grand he received on Christmas Eve. I asked where it went and I got some vague BS about he has commitments. That's odd since I was paying all insurance, and his car payment and credit cards. (All have been paid off or terminated). Its just that I know he left the marriage debt free and that he cashed out his retirement and the portion of mine he got in the settlement. Its all gone.

A mutual friend, who is a nurse, saw him on the street and txted me that she was really concerned with how he appeared. She asked if he had hepatitis C or HIV due to the drastic weight loss and poor coloring of his skin and eyes. Not like he'd tell me. I just don't think he's going to make it much longer if he doesn't get help for whatever it is that's going on.
After all he's done to me and our children, I don't want him to suffer.
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post #48 of 177 (permalink) Old 01-06-2014, 12:16 PM
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Re: Two week notice

Wow, P2, that's crazy! He must have gotten into some crazy debt with someone or went on some binge to go through that much in a little over two weeks. I can't even imagine that. I know you must be worried, but take care of yourself and the kids. It's obvious he doesn't care, or he wouldn't have used all of that money up. He's only interested in meeting whatever need he has at the time, and it's obviously not healthy for him.

((hugs)) I don't know if you feel comfortable telling your friend not to contact you anymore, but you really can't do anything to help him, and it only makes things harder for you. Maybe you wouldn't feel comfortable doing that because of the kids, I don't know.

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post #49 of 177 (permalink) Old 01-06-2014, 12:20 PM
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post #50 of 177 (permalink) Old 01-06-2014, 12:27 PM
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Re: Two week notice

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Originally Posted by vi_bride04 View Post
Drug use?
First thing I thought was heroin. What a disgrace of a father. Like your daughter I hope you find a good man this year.
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post #51 of 177 (permalink) Old 01-06-2014, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

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First thing I thought was heroin. What a disgrace of a father. Like your daughter I hope you find a good man this year.
You and vi b may be right. That was the first thing I thought of when I saw him, but jeez I hope not. He has some heart issues, but this just seemed different.

I am nowhere close to trying to date, but its a nice thought.
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post #52 of 177 (permalink) Old 01-06-2014, 12:36 PM
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Re: Two week notice

Blowing through that much money so quickly.....drugs / gambling would explain it.
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post #53 of 177 (permalink) Old 01-06-2014, 01:56 PM
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Re: Two week notice

Yeah, those two were top of my list, too, but with his physical condition, I'd say drugs is the more likely choice.

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post #54 of 177 (permalink) Old 01-06-2014, 03:05 PM
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Re: Two week notice

Drugs and gambling were my first two thoughts. And considering the cheating and whatever else during the marriage, he's clearly into quick-fix indulgences - reckless behavior that results in that endorphin rush. If he looks sick, drugs is more likely, either heroine or meth.

Like angelpixie said earlier, about this mutual friend - I don't know where you want to draw a boundary, but if she's concerned about him, she needs to be going somewhere else. You're not his keeper. Considering that he hasn't seen the kids, he's not putting them in danger - thank goodness for small favors?

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post #55 of 177 (permalink) Old 01-06-2014, 03:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

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Drugs and gambling were my first two thoughts. And considering the cheating and whatever else during the marriage, he's clearly into quick-fix indulgences - reckless behavior that results in that endorphin rush. If he looks sick, drugs is more likely, either heroine or meth.

Like angelpixie said earlier, about this mutual friend - I don't know where you want to draw a boundary, but if she's concerned about him, she needs to be going somewhere else. You're not his keeper. Considering that he hasn't seen the kids, he's not putting them in danger - thank goodness for small favors?
You and angelpixie are smart to warn about the potential toxic friend, but I don't think that is the case. My friend and her children are extremely close to my kids. She wanted me to know so the kids won't be blind-sided should he continue to decline. But regardless, I'll keep that in mind. Thanks.

I think he has lost the mental ability to gamble-isn't that sad. He's just not all there anymore.

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post #56 of 177 (permalink) Old 01-06-2014, 04:25 PM
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Re: Two week notice

Oh, I didn't mean that the friend is toxic, P2. She might really just assume that you care and would want to know, since you were married and have kids together, and not mean anything 'bad' by it. But she isn't seeing that it's not your issue anymore -- because HE made it not your issue anymore. And her continuing to inform you is just making things harder on you.

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post #57 of 177 (permalink) Old 01-10-2014, 10:17 AM
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Re: Two week notice

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Oh, I didn't mean that the friend is toxic, P2. She might really just assume that you care and would want to know, since you were married and have kids together, and not mean anything 'bad' by it. But she isn't seeing that it's not your issue anymore -- because HE made it not your issue anymore. And her continuing to inform you is just making things harder on you.
Ditto, angelpixie and I are on the same wavelength.

We all have people in our lives who say the wrong thing, or keep us informed about our ex's behavior, etc., all with the best intentions. They're not toxic; they just don't understand that doing so is inappropriate, or that it makes our experience more difficult. And so we have to draw a line with these people; we have to tell them this is no longer a topic of conversation, and why. A person like this is only toxic if they choose to ignore the boundaries you establish.

Your friend may be concerned about your kids being blind-sided about your Ex's decline, but it may be more traumatic for them to get these types of random interval updates. You're their mom and you know them better than someone on an internet forum (aka ME), so that's up for you (not me, and not your friend) to decide.

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post #58 of 177 (permalink) Old 01-10-2014, 02:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

Thanks angelpixie and feministInPink.
You're both correct. Hearing this type of information about a man I spent 37 years of my life with was hard and I am tired of it. Thankfully the kids weren't with me when I spoke with my friend. But all I could think of for days after was that he probably wouldn't be alive when my kids graduate and how terribly sad that would be for them. But I need to remember these are his decisions. It would be great if he loved his kids enough to want to take care of himself. But if he were that kind of man then I probably wouldn't be on this board.
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post #59 of 177 (permalink) Old 04-17-2014, 12:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

UPDATE:
Finally, I have an actual employer and address for DDD (despicable deadbeat dad). I need to thank a spy from out of state for some superlative detective work. So I've printed off all the forms and tomorrow I am going to social services to get the paperwork started. I'd love to do this with a private attorney, but I am broked, broke, broke. Since he is out-of-state it also doesn't make sense to do this myself. Social services is not great, but it is something.
Wow, we might get meat this summer!
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post #60 of 177 (permalink) Old 04-17-2014, 03:41 PM
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Re: Two week notice

Yay - now we're up to, what - 7 months in arrears?

Is there a legal aide in your state or the state he is employed in? Maybe have free legal help?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family-...-my-story.html

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." - Albert Camus
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