Two week notice - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #76 of 177 (permalink) Old 05-21-2014, 11:33 AM
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Re: Two week notice

It is up to him. My first thought was to pass on the message and let it be. But upon reconsideration, I agree don't stir things up for her. It's been hard enough. No need to pick at the scab.

You even specifically asked him "Have you called her?" - you have basically told him what he needed to do to reconnect. If he can't be bothered to call her, you certainly can't force her to reach out to HIM. Relationships are two-way streets and he's not even trying to meet her half way.


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post #77 of 177 (permalink) Old 05-21-2014, 12:27 PM
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Two week notice

Not your responsibility.

Where does it end?

You get her to call him - she gets mad at him and he then expects you to smooth it out for him.

Don't get involved.
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post #78 of 177 (permalink) Old 05-21-2014, 01:07 PM
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Re: Two week notice

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Originally Posted by angelpixie View Post
I would agree with FiP. If he stays true to form (and you have no reason to think he won't), you'll tell her he wants to contact her and he won't. That will stir things up for her again, which isn't fair and doesn't do her any good in her healing process. You're not standing in his way. The rest is up to the two of them.
Taking into consideration AngelPixie's intuition, could you send your D17 an email and cc the #$%^&*. Keeping it to the point, "D17, your dad indicated he wants to communicate with you. He'll always be your dad. Love you, Mom."

And don't look back.

Or, my gut tells me to stay silent and let the lunatic rant! He isn't going to stop anyways.

You'll do great whichever way, you've done amazingly so far.

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post #79 of 177 (permalink) Old 05-22-2014, 08:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

Thanks all for pulling me back.
I tend to agree with every single one of you. If he wants to connect with her, he will, regardless of what I do. He's never been one for putting forth an effort to keep a relationship going, and I suppose for him being a parent is no different.

Part of this is my issue. I tend to think I can fix things and I know I need to stop that mindset. When its my kids and I know what they've already gone through my first reaction is to run in and make things ok. I need to stop that since it really won't help them, or the situation, its me thinking I can control the world. So enough of that.

And the more I thought about what he was asking of me, the more angry I became that my lying, cheating, non-remorseful ex wanted ME to tell his daughter, the very one that discovered his infidelities, that he's "not a bad guy and holding his behavior against him isn't fair." He may never have a clue.
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post #80 of 177 (permalink) Old 06-10-2014, 08:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

UPDATE:

Good and bad. I got my first check! DCSE got the wage-earner order filed and in place at the ex's work. So I get support from here on out (or as long as he agrees to work). I asked about the arrears and would you believe they suggested I ask him to pay extra. I laughed......... If he ever files his taxes I could get his refund. But DCSE isn't too keen on breaking a sweat to get the arrears. It remains on the books where it will likely stay for a very long time.
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post #81 of 177 (permalink) Old 06-10-2014, 09:14 AM
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Re: Two week notice

Well, that's something - at least you'll get the support moving forward. Good luck getting the arrears :/

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post #82 of 177 (permalink) Old 06-10-2014, 01:50 PM
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Re: Two week notice

Glad you got something from him Pluto! When will the D be final?
How are you feeling?
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post #83 of 177 (permalink) Old 06-10-2014, 02:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

Hi BLuebirdie,
Our D was final last October. The decree even set forth his arrears as of that date, he just didn't see the need to pay. He wasn't working at that time so I was unable to get a wage withholding plan back then. I was a bit flabbergasted that the court would enter the decree that way, but he never filed an answer and waived service. To do anything else would have required effort on his part, and he's not willing/capable of that.

I had an MD appointment this week during which my doc (who is very nice) told me in a polite sort of way that I was getting old. I've marched into the next age bracket and routine tests were order although she kept telling me I was doing fine. She knows what we've been going through the last couple of years and was the person who helped me get the ex to a psychiatrist back when I was willing to work on the relationship. Anyway, she said that is was apparent that my stress level was going down. Kind of nice to have some independent evidence to that effect. I do feel less stressed out, so I'll take that as the start of a real recovery.

Its sad that the 28 year marriage is over, and sadder still that he became someone who could so easily walk away from our family. I keep busy with work and little projects I enjoy and for now, that is enough. This was not the life I thought I would have, but is it ever-really?
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post #84 of 177 (permalink) Old 06-10-2014, 04:29 PM
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Re: Two week notice

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Originally Posted by Pluto2 View Post

Its sad that the 28 year marriage is over, and sadder still that he became someone who could so easily walk away from our family. I keep busy with work and little projects I enjoy and for now, that is enough. This was not the life I thought I would have, but is it ever-really?
I think we are all surprised on how our Ex spouses turned out.

My Ex wife hasn't seen our oldest in over a year..

They are all pieces of garbage.

My Mistakes -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...e-dealing.html Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.. -http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...tml#post534068 The 180http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
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post #85 of 177 (permalink) Old 06-10-2014, 04:31 PM
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Re: Two week notice

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Originally Posted by Hardtohandle View Post
I think we are all surprised on how our Ex spouses turned out.

My Ex wife hasn't seen our oldest in over a year..

They are all pieces of garbage.
I certainly am :/


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post #86 of 177 (permalink) Old 06-10-2014, 05:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

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I think we are all surprised on how our Ex spouses turned out.

My Ex wife hasn't seen our oldest in over a year..

They are all pieces of garbage.
Good grief!

At least, and it is the very least, mine has seen them once in the last year. I think if it were just the oldest he wouldn't come at all, but he thinks our youngest is ignoring his shenanigans. She doesn't, she just wants a father. We have several families (some divorced couples) in our circle of friends where the fathers are just plain great guys, so I've been trying to keep them in our lives and activities just so my girls know not all men make wretched parents. Mom just picked a dud.
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post #87 of 177 (permalink) Old 06-11-2014, 10:12 AM
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Re: Two week notice

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Originally Posted by Pluto2 View Post
Mom just picked a guy who ended up choosing to be a dud.
Fixed that for ya.


I'm glad you're at least getting something coming in each month -- I hope it continues for a long time. And yes! Do go after his tax refund. I wonder if there's a form you can file with the IRS to get it as back child support. Even if he quits his job so that he doesn't have to pay you, he has to file a tax return or he gets in trouble with the gov't.

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post #88 of 177 (permalink) Old 06-11-2014, 11:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Two week notice

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Originally Posted by angelpixie View Post
Fixed that for ya.


I'm glad you're at least getting something coming in each month -- I hope it continues for a long time. And yes! Do go after his tax refund. I wonder if there's a form you can file with the IRS to get it as back child support. Even if he quits his job so that he doesn't have to pay you, he has to file a tax return or he gets in trouble with the gov't.
Hi Angel.
I appreciate your fix, but honestly, I don't know if it is accurate. Maybe he always was a dud and I hid the truth from myself. Maybe I wanted to believe he would stand up and be a good father, despite the fact that he had a horrible role model. No doubt it was his choice to behave the way he did towards me, and does towards the kids. Of course he could see the kids if it was a priority in his life. It isn't. And of course he could have supported his children. He "said" he couldn't get a job (for five years). Funny how when my support ended, and the money he took in the divorce dried up, a job suddenly materialized.

The tax refund is all set, he can't get rid of that unless he pays off the arrears. He won't. Again, that would be effort.
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post #89 of 177 (permalink) Old 06-13-2014, 02:02 AM
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I certainly am :/
You're surprised, or garbage?

Couldn't resist.
Posted via Mobile Device
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post #90 of 177 (permalink) Old 06-13-2014, 10:48 AM
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Re: Two week notice

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You're surprised, or garbage?

Couldn't resist.
Posted via Mobile Device
Ha ha, nicely done.

(Surprised. I'm surprised. Well, not now. Now I'm just disappointed. But I was surprised that he turned out to be such a sh*tty person.)

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