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2galsmom 10-15-2013 09:55 PM

Re: Does anyone still want to be married?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by angelpixie (Post 4895274)
Lots of assumptions in that post that aren't backed up by stats, 'Hawk, but it would take sooo long to refute them all, lol.

Just looking at TAM, I can name so many women who were left by their WH, who ended up filing because the Ex simply wouldn't. Kept the womens' lives in limbo with kids, expenses, etc., while they were screwing their OW. The women had no choice but to file so their lives could move forward. So, not just abuse, though that does account for a significant number, but also the type of cheating spouse I mention above, and then just plain unhappy or walkaway women (I don't deny that they exist or assert that women can do no wrong).

As for numbers of women vs. men who want to remarry, I don't know about 'most' for either gender. There are many women who have no desire to remarry, especially if they don't want any more kids. Unfortunately, many women coming out of abusive relationships who DO want to marry again still think their lives will get better by just finding the 'right' man --- and if they haven't worked on that mindset, they're going to find the 'wrong' man, again. I wonder how many of the 2nd, 3rd, etc., marriages that fail are the same people repeating patterns. There's still a lot of really crappy programming in society reinforcing unhealthy views of love and relationships, and a lot of it is aimed at women. :mad:

I think TAM is different because people are here in the first place because they have a basic level desire to look at their relationship, current or past. Many of the people here do a lot of work on themselves after a break-up. I don't know that that's true in the general public. Consider how many of us on here go to IC, read self-help books, take up new habits like meditation, learn new behaviors, etc., and our exes don't do anything of the kind. In many break-ups for people in the general population, it could be that neither partner do any post break-up work. And they just keep getting into bad relationship after bad relationship. It could be that people here say different things because we are 'different' from the general population to begin with. Just a theory on my part. ;)

ICAM, This is why I said to Pepper123 not to let FICTION influence her. There is a horrible trend now to idealize abusers in pulp fiction. Not that there has ever been a trend of health in pulp fiction LOL but it really warps you. People say oh it is fiction, I don't take it seriously but it permeates your values and your way of thinking.

Nsweet 10-16-2013 02:14 AM

Re: Does anyone still want to be married?
 
I would love to be married again. But then again, I never really got to experience a good marriage for long enough to get sick of it. I miss that sense of pride when looking at my wedding ring and holding up my end of the marriage. I even miss the stress and bad times with a wife, because they made the good times so much better.

I just don't want to get married again until I'm out of my 20's and I don't want to feel like I have to marry a woman to keep a good one from getting away or because of kids. If I'm going to marry again it will be because I've seen both sides of her and I can take the good with the bad and I choose her out of all other women.

2galsmom 10-16-2013 07:25 PM

Re: Does anyone still want to be married?
 
You are so young Nsweet, you will find someone and I hope it works out this time for you forever.

Hardtohandle 10-17-2013 08:50 AM

Re: Does anyone still want to be married?
 
I loved the woman she was.. I love her for who she was.

I have no transference issues and don't blame the GF for my Ex wife shortcoming and issues.

I honestly enjoy being with a woman. Cuddling, hanging out on the couch, laughing, making love at 3 am because we can. If there is anything I miss the most, I would say it would be the those types of 3AM or early morning spur of the moment love making sessions. Where you wake up to go to the bathroom and then jump back in bed and look over at the beauty of the woman you have next to you. The curve of body where her waist meets her hips. Its just too hot...

I would remarry if my finances were protected. I walked away with divorce gold and I don't plan on risking my home, pension and other income again. I've worked too hard for my kids to just give it away to someone.

Decimated 10-18-2013 10:44 AM

Re: Does anyone still want to be married?
 
At this point I doubt it.

I really loved being married…I really did. I loved the idea of having that one special person in my life and looked forward to raising our children and growing old together. I have only loved and married two women in my life…I've been betrayed by both. The first time was hard but we had no children. After that ended, I was very selective about who I dated…constantly on the lookout for red flags. After 5 years I thought I had found the one. When she betrayed me 15 years later, it nearly destroyed me. It was even more devastating this time because we had children.

I don’t see any purpose in marriage for me anymore. The emotional and financial devastation is just not worth the risk and because I am finished having children…it seems pointless. I was dating for a while but I have since stopped doing that. The women my age that I have encountered all seem to have made a mess out of their lives. Whether it was through bad choices, lack of honesty/integrity, selfishness or just plain laziness, have left a trail of destruction behind them. They seem to be looking for someone to fix what they have broken and smooth everything over. I will never again be a knight in shining armor and rescue anyone. I also now realize that people can and do change. You may think you know someone now but they are capable of becoming someone else.

Also, I believe that the most important and profound relationship in life should be with the mother of my children…not the mother of someone else’s children. I seem to attach a special significance to that but my XWW has destroyed it. I fear that any relationship I have in the future will only be a footnote in someone else’s life…or my own life. I’ve been emotionally beaten down too much by this to be anyone’s footnote. If I can’t be the most important part of their life…then I’m just not interested.

I apologize for sounding pessimistic but lately this is how I have been feeling. Maybe I’m just not ready to emotionally risk it all again. Obviously, I do have some trust issues I need to get past. Because of what I've been through, my standards are so high that I doubt anyone could ever meet them. I’m afraid that anyone short of an absolute saint could not get me to open up again.

I pray this changes. It's lonely being alone.

Disenchanted 10-18-2013 10:53 AM

Re: Does anyone still want to be married?
 
Totally agree with you Decimated.

I wish I could still believe in the "happily ever after" fairy tale but I just can't. I've been disenchanted about that. It's an illusion and it doesn't happen and people suck.

I really still like the idea of the fairy tale, but now I know it's only a fairy tale.

Hoosier 10-18-2013 10:57 AM

Re: Does anyone still want to be married?
 
I will be married again, when the #1 Sniper from Seal Team #6 misses. As I have them on retainer with instructions to take me out if I EVER start down the aisle again.

Jellybeans 10-18-2013 11:06 AM

Re: Does anyone still want to be married?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Hoosier (Post 4963226)
I will be married again, when the #1 Sniper from Seal Team #6 misses. As I have them on retainer with instructions to take me out if I EVER start down the aisle again.

:rofl::rofl: Awesome!!

badcompany 10-18-2013 06:48 PM

Re: Does anyone still want to be married?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 2galsmom (Post 4883570)
Anybody want to be married after all that brouhaha? :rofl:

Heck no.
Edit: I believe that the legalities and risk involved make legal marriage un-attractive these days. I'd do whatever I needed to, to make the right future partner secure that we're an item but I wouldn't want to officially tie the knot again.

philglossop 10-19-2013 06:52 AM

Re: Does anyone still want to be married?
 
Marry or enter a Civil Partnership again?

Heck no. Whilst I accept I'm still extremely raw, I just cannot see myself heading anywhere but singledom for the long run. It's not a place I want to be in and nor where did I ever think I'd end up- but it's a simple fact that I'm not prepared to go through that again.

whitehawk 10-20-2013 01:51 AM

Re: Does anyone still want to be married?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by angelpixie (Post 4895274)
Lots of assumptions in that post that aren't backed up by stats, 'Hawk, but it would take sooo long to refute them all, lol.

Just looking at TAM, I can name so many women who were left by their WH, who ended up filing because the Ex simply wouldn't. Kept the womens' lives in limbo with kids, expenses, etc., while they were screwing their OW. The women had no choice but to file so their lives could move forward. So, not just abuse, though that does account for a significant number, but also the type of cheating spouse I mention above, and then just plain unhappy or walkaway women (I don't deny that they exist or assert that women can do no wrong).

As for numbers of women vs. men who want to remarry, I don't know about 'most' for either gender. There are many women who have no desire to remarry, especially if they don't want any more kids. Unfortunately, many women coming out of abusive relationships who DO want to marry again still think their lives will get better by just finding the 'right' man --- and if they haven't worked on that mindset, they're going to find the 'wrong' man, again. I wonder how many of the 2nd, 3rd, etc., marriages that fail are the same people repeating patterns. There's still a lot of really crappy programming in society reinforcing unhealthy views of love and relationships, and a lot of it is aimed at women. :mad:

I think TAM is different because people are here in the first place because they have a basic level desire to look at their relationship, current or past. Many of the people here do a lot of work on themselves after a break-up. I don't know that that's true in the general public. Consider how many of us on here go to IC, read self-help books, take up new habits like meditation, learn new behaviors, etc., and our exes don't do anything of the kind. In many break-ups for people in the general population, it could be that neither partner do any post break-up work. And they just keep getting into bad relationship after bad relationship. It could be that people here say different things because we are 'different' from the general population to begin with. Just a theory on my part. ;)


Yeah l know Angel , l'm more confused than ever truth be know :rofl:.
Just sayin really of how it appears to me so far , doesn't mean that's so though l know or that what l see so far even makes any sense.

Me , l dunno if l ever will , l think though l would just like to be married so to speak though. X reckons she never will , l reckon she will though !

whitehawk 10-20-2013 02:03 AM

Re: Does anyone still want to be married?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Nsweet (Post 4905290)
I would love to be married again. But then again, I never really got to experience a good marriage for long enough to get sick of it. I miss that sense of pride when looking at my wedding ring and holding up my end of the marriage. I even miss the stress and bad times with a wife, because they made the good times so much better.

I just don't want to get married again until I'm out of my 20's and I don't want to feel like I have to marry a woman to keep a good one from getting away or because of kids. If I'm going to marry again it will be because I've seen both sides of her and I can take the good with the bad and I choose her out of all other women.


Are you only in your 20s NS , hell then man enjoy yourself for as long as you damnwell like l say. Who knows what life holds in store for you but the rest will take care of itself .

whitehawk 10-20-2013 02:11 AM

Re: Does anyone still want to be married?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Disenchanted (Post 4963090)
Totally agree with you Decimated.

I wish I could still believe in the "happily ever after" fairy tale but I just can't. I've been disenchanted about that. It's an illusion and it doesn't happen and people suck.

I really still like the idea of the fairy tale, but now I know it's only a fairy tale.


Pretty well sums up my feelings on the sitch to D . Sad but true.
And the worst part is, if my x could do this rather than stand and fight then anyone could so , there's no one left really .

Disenchanted 10-20-2013 10:52 AM

Re: Does anyone still want to be married?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by whitehawk (Post 4992226)
Pretty well sums up my feelings on the sitch to D . Sad but true.
And the worst part is, if my x could do this rather than stand and fight then anyone could so , there's no one left really .

yup

arbitrator 10-20-2013 08:56 PM

Re: Does anyone still want to be married?
 
After marriages to (a) a bi-polar and (b) a rich, conniving, cheating skank, I'd probably have due justification to stay away from matrimony again forever. Oftentimes, I feel like I'm the failure and not them!

While I was raised by virtue of my Southern roots to primarily adhere to the Christian principle of marriage, in clear conscience, I really just don't know.

Whereas I miss the companionship, the "trust" issues that are running through my head and heart just make me want to say "No!"


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