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Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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Old 10-09-2010, 11:43 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: My New Life as a Single Father

AC,

I am single. I am approaching. I'm just taking my time. I'm not in a rush for anything. I'm still working on me. Last year at this time I was a mess -- now I'm not. I'm looking forward and not behind most of the time - so that is something.
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Old 10-09-2010, 04:17 PM   #32 (permalink)
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FWIW, I did the same thing myself during my single years. At first I just got my own head on pretty straight. Once I felt pretty secure in myself I tried Match.com etc. and didn't like it so I just asked a guy out. It was a fella who was a regular at the coffeeshop I went to, and we had bumped into each other fairly often and would talk in line. Well, we met for lunch and coffee-then dinner-and it didn't turn into a romance; however, we stayed friends for years and just decided there was no chemistry but we actually deeply liked each other. Know what I mean?

So enjoy! I hope you meet some wonderful ladies! I know for me, I always took it as a) proof that my heart could still have a crush, and b) I learned or added a little thing to my list of what I'd like in a partner. And seriously I met some real jerks but also met some STUNNINGLY good men--they just weren't right for me.
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Old 10-11-2010, 02:32 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Had a pretty good weekend. Relaxed Friday night after a good workout. Had my lil guy Saturday night. We went to a friends to hang out (my friend who kicked his w out about a month ago). We did games and stuff with the kids. Got up Sunday, went to church and then on to Sunday soccer. It was a great weather day and the kids played with us adults as well. And of course they also just played outside.

Kids don't do that as much today like they used to. That is one reason I really like our Sunday afternoon soccer pick up games. Cause the kids are with us and just play outside and enjoy.

Got soccer practice with my son's team tonight and dinner with him. Hope the kids listen better this week,last week had to run them some for not listening.
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Old 10-11-2010, 06:13 PM   #34 (permalink)
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I find the time away from my kids is actually useful--I have so much to do, and I want to do it all when I'm not with them so I can focus on them when I am. When married, no matter how much I had to do, I was "on call" all the time and I don't think I was as loving and patient as I am now. Not that I was awful, but I think it is so good for my kids to have their father more active in their lives and I've found good use to make of my "alone" time. Truthfully, if he was f*cking up his time with them, I'd go for sole custody--but he's not, and I didn't expect that he would--but I did worry, knowing what he is like. And, I'm only a phone call or a Skype call away They love to skype me, even when we're in the same house (sometimes the same room, when they are being really silly!)

Embrace your free time--you did not choose it, and yes, you'd rather be around your kids more, but it is a valuable gift that many people, for whatever reason, don't get. You cannot change the past, but you can make the most of the present.
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Old 10-18-2010, 11:39 AM   #35 (permalink)
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Well another pretty good weekend. My son's birthday is today -- he turns 8. So we did a birthday dinner at his favorite type of restaurant -- japaneese steakhouse Friday night. He loves it and we got his favorite chef. Lots of fun. Then rented and watched Ironman 2.

Up early Saturday for his soccer game at 8:15 -- he played hard, and scored a goal. But what made me proud is that he played hard. I told him that made me proud of him. We went to a fall festival for a couple of hours and then to a friends house so he could play. I was trying to get him to the local amusement park, but oh well he had fun!!!.

His mom picked him up and then I did an amazing work out. And just relaxed for the evening. Went to church and did soccer. It was a beautiful day out yesterday -- 76 and sunny. Great time. Hung out with friends after for dinner and just talked and watched a little football.

Tonight dinner with him and soccer practice for his team. I won't have him this weekend -- so a little bummed about that. He will be going to his grandma's in WV for the weekend for a Halloween party. I do miss things like that. But I get him for all of the next weekend -- having his birthday party that Saturday (bowling) with his friends.

Me -- I'll be working a community outreach Saturday morning through the church and coaching soccer team later. Time for me to get more involved. That is why I like this church -- its more about helping the community then what type of church building you have.

Learning about true humility. By that I mean not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less...... C.S. Lewis.
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Old 10-18-2010, 12:46 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Morning FeelingA,

That's great you are getting involved in the community. At the beginning of my separation I volunteered with the local American Cancer Society, but I felt that I first needed to put my life in order before trying to help other people.

Like I have said, I am starting to enjoy life now, and when I feel is time I will try to volunteer some more. My weekend was great too, some friends and I went to the movies and then went out, first time in a long time that I came back home at 3am. It was a group of really interesting people, some were my friends, some friends of friends, too bad I will be leaving this city soon.

I will have to find new acquaintances in the new city, but most importantly a NEW JOB! I am kind of nervous about that, I mean I have unemployment benefits for 6 months starting in January but still it sucks to move w/o a job offer. I still feel the need to leave this town though, it is just full of memories that do not let me move completely on.

Anyway, I will keep posting and things develop, I hope everybody has a great week. Have fun with your son, and happy birthday to him
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Old 10-19-2010, 11:27 AM   #37 (permalink)
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stbx,

Good to hear from you. Thanks for the b-day wishes. I'm just moving along trying to learn and grow and start living again.

I still struggle with who I really want to be though. And to be honest of late I feel anger towards my ex w. I don't know why. For me the hardest thing is I still have to have contact with her due to our son. And for me when i'm done with someone i'm done. No contact, nothing. But with him involved that isn't possible and I think that gets to me.

Just something new I must figure out for me.
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Old 10-19-2010, 02:03 PM   #38 (permalink)
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FA~

I am not sure if it will be like this for everyone, but let me share with you what it was like to "co-parent" with a spouse who cheated on and divorced me. If you remember, in many ways our stories have similarities in that I married for life, I wasn't blind but I never even thought of other men, he was "flirty" and then one day I got the absolute proof of infidelity. Like you at first I somewhat freaked out, and then I started to get my own head together, got myself and my life in order, started counseling and reading about marriage and support groups, and began to see the patterns he refused to acknowledge. Eventually, rather than address his own issues, he chose instead to leave. At the time I was mid-30s and my kids were on the younger end of elementary school.

I know for a fact that when my ex left he thought I would be around his little finger to "control from a distance" while he did what he wanted with who he wanted. I know he also expected I'd continue to meet some of wifely needs such as "free babysitting" and that I would financially care for the kids and not expect him be a responsible parent. I think he suspected he would get the kids and I would care for them ... for him. I know his version was basically "continue as we are except that I move out, don't have to put up with you, and I can get laid by others" LOL

Imagine his surprise when I *DIDN'T* ask for him anymore, didn't call him constantly, and didn't want him involved in my life...at all! He did, at first, completely take off for a few months but thereafter he would subtly try to get back in or try to force me into a corner, but I wasn't interested anymore. We ended up selling our marital home and we moved 3 miles apart. I had the kids and *DID* put child support into the divorce, and it angered him that I asked for it (naturally it was me being selfish, not society expecting him to care for the children he decided to create). And he was into his affairs and running around enough that we had 50/50 in the divorce but in real life we worked it out so the kids lived with me--just 3 miles from him--and they could come by him any time he arranged it or they asked to see him. I think they got together about once a month. He didn't even have a room for them to sleep over for several months!

At first he did try the "You need to do this for the kids..." but when I didn't fall for that, he did eventually stop. When I didn't return his phone calls or emails, he did eventually stop them too. When he'd ask where I was, I never told him my plans or who I was with or why--just "I have something scheduled. That won't work for me" or "I have an appointment so can you watch the kids or shall I make an alternate arrangement?" and that's it. When I saw him, I didn't go linger in his house or try to "talk" to him--just dropped the kids off in the driveway and left. When he dropped them off I didn't invite him in. I was civil and courteous as I would be if he were the pizza delivery man, but that's it.

Now he lives on one coast, I live on the other coast, the kids are both grown and he periodically calls them on the phone. They both live near me. And for graduations and things, they include him, he "plans" them from thousands of miles away, and everyone pretty much agrees to just put up with him for the couple of days he's around. He has a new life; I have a new life; and neither one of us really have any ill will--we just don't speak.
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Old 10-20-2010, 12:11 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Thanks for sharing AC. Maybe I'm grieving still over the loss. I'm not sure. The only thing I know is that I have no desire to converse with her whatsoever. I'm not mean about it, I just don't say anything.

It is to the point when I pick up or drop off my son, I just stay in my truck. I mean we have an agreement -- whomever picks up our son, the other then does the pick up or drop off. And still she always asks about it. She knows that if I pick up Friday night, she will be picking up Saturday. So why does she always ask. Its like a frickin broken record.

Oh well. Just figuring things out.
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Old 10-25-2010, 10:40 AM   #40 (permalink)
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Hello all,

This past weekend was ordinary, but for one thing. I've been dreaming about my ex-wife for the last 3 nights!! Some have been just as if dreaming about friends, just normal chatting, but some others have been of arguments full of anger and resentment, me facing her and telling her that I resented the fact that she moved on so fast and started dating within just a couple of months after the separation (not even divorce). I really don't understand why out of nowhere I started dreaming about her, and moreover I don't want to feel resentment about her actions, it is not sane.

It is all in the past, it's been nearly 7 months since the last time I spoke to her and her life should not be of my concern anymore, I guess is just the normal grieving process like you said feelingA. It is just too tiring, I want to have my life completely back, it just gets on my nerves that I have done everything to move on, and I am doing so but man it has been so difficult...

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Old 10-25-2010, 11:55 AM   #41 (permalink)
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Yes stbx, it is tiring. I had an interesting weekend. My son was out of town, so Saturday I did some community outreach through the church I've started attending. Cooked hot dogs for three hours at a Freestore for anyone that was there or dropping of clothes or other items. Met some new people and it felt good. Coached my son's soccer team after that and then a great workout after that.

Yesterday was a normal Sunday -- church, pickup soccer and then coached another soccer game. Then I sat and talked with my friends wife whom he has kicked out until she straigtens herself out.
She is a mess. But she still won't look in the mirror. And just so everyone knows -- before meeting her I let my friend know I was meeting with her to ensure (a) he knew, and (b) that he was all right with it.

She needs help and feels alone and abandoned -- again not realizing it is her actions that have caused this. She is a friend of my ex w's as well -- they are mutual friends. During the course of our conversation of course she came up. She is the one I mentioned a few posts back when her husband told her that my ex w was engaged -- she was like to who? That guy from WV? And he said I guess so. She said -- is she that stupid? This coming from someone who is messed up in her life realizing the same about another person. She reiterated a lot of that last night -- which I found intersting.

Here is the thing I would like to ask of the forum. My friends wife is a mess. Financially my friend has cut her off -- with the exception of health and car insurance and he does buy her groceries and such. He maintains his calm and cool demeanor around her, etc. Basically is doing everything right. She is about to miss rent, she hasn't paid her electric, car payment, etc. Yes they have two kids.

She is bipolar, an alcoholic (in total denial about it), and has trauma left-over from a gang rape at the age of 14. Like I said a mess.

Knowing where she is at financially, my friend wants to invite back to the home -- not as his wife, but as a friend. Problem is with enabling her to continue this actions. He realizes this and does not know what to do. Right now to him the relationship is on hold, he just wants her to straighten out for the kids. Anythoughts? I should mention that he didn't just kick her to the curb -- he said I love you, I want to be with you, but you must do these things -- sober up, start medicating properly for bipolar, etc., etc.

They would be much appreciated. He has helped me enormously through my situation and I'm trying to hellp him in return. I am just unsure as he is about enabling her to continue these actions.
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Old 10-25-2010, 12:14 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Mmmm,

In my humble opinion I would say that he needs to show tough love, not completely if he doesn't want to, if he really wants to help her at least help her to pay rent but that's it. She will have a roof over her head but no utilities. It doesn't matter how stubborn she is but when she sees herself in the mess she herself has created I think that'll teach her a lesson.

No electricity, gas, water,etc can be really though for somebody who's never had this amenities taken away.
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Old 10-25-2010, 03:07 PM   #43 (permalink)
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stbx,

He is already showing tough love to her. Right now he just wants her to get better for the kids. Right now she doesn't see that she is the cause of anything. She is in an alternate universe -- a deep, deep fog.
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Old 10-26-2010, 01:20 PM   #44 (permalink)
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FA:

I was difficult, for your friend, to let her go. I can only imagine.

However, letting her back in, may end up feeling like a revolving door to the kids. More than likely, nothing will be gained, in the long run as she's unwilling to look inside herself.

Bringing her back in, in my opinion, will only postpone the inevitable.

It's so difficult to do these things to someone you love. So, I can understand his dilemna. I'll pray for your friend.
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Old 10-28-2010, 10:52 AM   #45 (permalink)
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Thanks CW,

Well, my friend and his wife have had a lot of talks starting Monday evening. He is allowing back into the home. Although well aware of the risks, he is setting up stringent boundaries with her which may or may not work for her.

She has apologized for things she has not taken ownership of before, so maybe, just maybe the last 2 months on her own have made her realize some things. All I can do is pray for them and their kids.

Well I get my lil guy for the entire weekend. Lots to do. I'll pick him up a little early tomorrow. We are going to Scarowinds tomorrow evening. An amusement park all decked out for Halloween, etc. Then an early soccer game Saturday morning, his birthday party (I know a little late but that is what happens post divorce), then on to a trunk or treat evening. Sunday to the new church (he likes it and "wants to go") and on to soccer with friends. Then drop off and he trick or treats Sunday night with his mom.

Should be a great weekend. I love him soo much.

I back into the acceptance phase of loss. Don't really go into denial phase just anger, maybe a little bargaining and acceptance. One day the cycle will be totally done. Although I admit I still look back and think I could have done things better or differently during our separation. I know I can't change that or anything else in the past -- it is what it is. I guess I look at how my friend has handled things and wish I acted at times more like him. Oh well, I will in the future.
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