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Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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Old 02-11-2011, 11:00 AM   #91 (permalink)
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I take my hat off to you for being so strong and for caring about what means most (your son).
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Old 02-15-2011, 11:49 AM   #92 (permalink)
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Thank you Why Not Be Happy. My son is the most important thing to me. He didn't ask for this, but has to live it all the same. I worry about him -- what is percolating in his head. What are his feelings. As was pointed out in a parenting class I took -- we adults go through the five stages of loss, but so do the kids. I'm not sure where he is in his process.

So I had an interesting discussion last evening after dropping my son off after dinner. I drop him off at the local YWCA where my ex w works. She works part time in their finance group in the mornings and teaches fitness classes a few times a week in the evening.

Anyway, I had a discussion with the lady whom was working at the frong desk. I've known her for a while, long before my marital issues and divorce. She always asks how I'm doing. Usually I just say I'm ok and keep it light. Last night she was a little interested. She was like how are you doing with all of this? I said, you mean my ex's wedding. She said yes and what a mistake my ex was making. I said well you know she cheated on me. Nod of the head. The first guy works there. I said you know about that? It came out some I guess. She called the guy a lying dog. And the second guy a psycho and the soon to be third husband a country rube. We talked a little about this. I started to say that her marriage wouldn't last more than, and heck she beat me to the punch of 2 years. I found that humorous that she said it first. To end the conversation she said my ex made a huge mistake with me and is making a bigger one this weekend. And that I was better than any one of those guys and my ex just has "issues". That she was amazed how I took the "high road" in all of this. I told her the biggest concern to me was the effect all of this has on my son. To which she just said she understood that concern. She has known my son since he was just 3 years old. She adores him.

Made me feel good to hear a third party observer with whom I've never discussed even a crumb with say that about the situation I've been through.

Tonight a play off soccer game. Unfortunately we will be playing at least one person down. Doubt we will win like that, but we'll try. We tied two teams playing a man down the entire game this season.

For those of you going through any stages of this, I do suggest exercise as many do. I've managed to keep working out 4 - 7 times a week for a year now. It is to the point where when I don't work out I feel bad. I'm contemplating switching up work outs and doing the P90X program for the next 3 months. Bought a cheap brand new copy through craigslist. Just need to change up routines I think.

This weekend will be hard for me I'm sure. I won't get to see my boy and knowing my ex is getting married sure as heck doesn't help. Maybe it will last for her, but no one I know thinkgs so.
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Old 02-15-2011, 12:51 PM   #93 (permalink)
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Hey we are all here to support you. I am sure at least I will need this type of support at some point too. And go and win that soccer game tonight? I have never heard an American talk so much about soccer in all these years that I am living on this continent.

As for your son, I would just ask him how he feels about that man in his life. See what he says but don't push it too much.
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Old 02-17-2011, 12:22 PM   #94 (permalink)
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NRTQ,

Well I guess I talk about it since I play a couple times a week. It is one of my activities that I enjoy. Especially our Sunday games since it is a group of people who I've come to know over the last few years and now are good friends. The type of people that are there for you.

As to our game Tuesday night. We actually had enough players to get a good substitution going and crushed the other team 9 - 3. Next Tuesday night a possible double header. If we win the first game, we play the next game for the league championship.

I appreciate your support NRTQ. All we can do is move forward.
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Old 02-18-2011, 09:11 AM   #95 (permalink)
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Tomorrow my ex gets married. Five months after the divorce and already getting married. Hard to believe someone wouldn't stop and think, man maybe I shouldn't be just jumping back in so quickly. Maybe I need to be independent for a while. I'm not sure she has ever lived by herself for more than a few months in her life.

It must scare her is all I can figure out. So reflexively gets into another relationship, or in this case three (3). I was talking to a friend of mine about this and in some ways I pity the guy she is marrying. He has no idea about this part of her. I'm sure I've been portrayed as some evil person by her to him -- needed to cover her own faults. She has already made him move from WV to NC. He caved to her. Comments he has made to others makes it seem he is "worried" she will stay with him. In pictures I've seen of them he looks only half happy and half worried.

An amazing basis on which to build a strong relationship. LOL.

My thoughts on this really revolve around my son. She has already introduced two others who have gone away, and now a third. Of course the first guy is still around -- another hit to her new relationship. What must my be thinking? What affects will a revolving door have on him? I worry about that. I think I need to read more about that topic.

It is going to be a glorious weekend here weather wise, 75 today, 68 tomorrow and 60 something Sunday. I think I'll spend some time outside, enjoying "winter".

Maybe I'll start the P90X program. I received the package yesterday and started reviewing the info. Have to get a few items to do it.
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Old 02-18-2011, 11:01 AM   #96 (permalink)
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As as I said before next time you have your son just ask him casually how he feels about all this and you will see what response he will give you. He is old enough to give you some sort of feedback.

As for you like you said before, she is not your problem anymore. She has already established a pattern that everyone can see. And you have us here on this forum to support you, even though we are far and don't know you personally.

And do get out and enjoy those 75F degrees today. I am jelous it's only 10C here(amazing for winter canadian standards)
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Old 02-18-2011, 09:10 PM   #97 (permalink)
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Thanks again NRTQ. You know me some. In many ways people on here get to people better than their friends because of the freedom to express yourself without worrying about anything.

I will enjoy the warm days. Hug that boy of yours.
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Old 02-18-2011, 09:11 PM   #98 (permalink)
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You know why I like writing to you, FA? Because to most/many of the other posters, I have to offer some advice or teach them a new tool or technique...and with you I can just write like one poster to another.

You remember that lady you spoke with at the YMCA? The one to whom you never mentioned a thing about what was going on and yet she knew (or figured out) a lot of it on her own? THAT is why I always encourage, help, and support people in taking "the high road" because at the time it feels like "HEY! My STBX is muddying my name and telling lies about me...I have to defend my integrity!" and yet if you do, you're just joining in the drama. On the other hand, if you just keep doing the right thing, keep taking that "high road" and keep learning and growing and doing better...what happens is that people notice and can put two and two together. They can see which one is going around blaming their spouse and being a loud-mouth and doing "less than wise", harmful things...and which one is taking personal responsibility, going to counseling, just being quiet and doing a good job, and putting the kids first. They can see which one has BF after BF after BF and which one stays in one solid, committed relationship or stays single purposely.

The trouble is that at the moment when your integrity is being challenged, it feels like if you don't stand up for yourself that people will believe the lies. It is SO MUCH more effective to show them, by your actions, that quite a lot of what you are being blamed for is exactly what they see "the ex" doing...and quite a lot of what you do is just keep quiet and do the right thing. That speaks VOLUMES!!!! And now, all this time later you can see what I mean and why I do it.

*****

Sooooooooo...this weekend your ex is getting married. You know, and I know, and most of the folks who know her even as an acquaintance know that if marital vows really MEANT something to her, she would not be on her third marriage. Now I do realize that something people "have divorce happen to them" meaning that they behaved in a fully upright way and their spouse was a loser and cheated or something. I get that (nod), but that's not the case here. This is not a vow that she will dedicate herself to keeping or intends to keep--this is about the party. She wants the fancy dress...the jewelry..and the reception. Then, in a little while or after some amount of time, she'll be unfaithful, blame him, break his heart and have a party with some other person--or maybe skip the "vow" and just have the party!

Nonetheless I know for you it's a weird feeling. My own ex married last year, and it was weird because I just could not shake the thought of feeling sorry for his 3rd wife (huh--maybe it's a #3 thing...). Anyway, how can she feel any "security"? If marriage vows meant ANYTHING to him, he would have stuck with wife #1 or wife #2!! Now, that I know of he's addresses a few/some of his issues...and I hope for her sake one of them is his abusive side! In real life though, I feel sorry for her. She got a ring--big deal. Does the promise behind that ring mean anything? (shrug) Plus, I know he didn't really "want" to get married--she sort of pressured him into it.

Well what can I say? Nada. I wish them well and hope they have learned enough about themselves and marriage in general to be happier and healthier than we were. I'm grateful my kids are both with me so their world isn't destabilized. And that's about all you can do!

Why don't you come here and let us know how your day is tomorrow. We'll be thinking of you, ya know.
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Old 02-19-2011, 03:01 AM   #99 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Feelingalone View Post
.

It is going to be a glorious weekend here weather wise, 75 today, 68 tomorrow and 60 something Sunday. I think I'll spend some time outside, enjoying "winter".

.
I hate you. well, enjoy...!

Sucks living in the Northeast.
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Old 02-19-2011, 09:37 AM   #100 (permalink)
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Thank you AC for your words, insight and wisdom. I don't know if I've done well or not through all of this, that isn't for me to judge or determine. I know I've grown and continue to try to grow.

You've given me plenty of insight and new techniques and things to think about over time. I still stumble on some of it, but as the saying goes "try, try again".

Like I said I just worry about my son. He is a genuinely sweet boy. I wonder where he gets that from? Hmmmmm... LOL. But I realize that all I can do is lead by example.

I won't lie, today my thoughts will drift to what is transpiring in WV today. At the same time, I'm better prepared to deal with it than I was before.

To Freak: Don't be hater....LOL Just move...... and did I mention taxes are lower too!!!
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Old 02-19-2011, 06:55 PM   #101 (permalink)
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All we need is love.
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Old 02-20-2011, 12:16 PM   #102 (permalink)
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You will always be the stabilizing force for H. No matter what his mother does in her relationships, he will evenually come to his own conclusions about his parents. Don't we all?

During this process, your focus has been on H. He will feel and see it for the rest of his life! What a wonderful father you are....

You know her issues. No changing or arranging her personality/character traits. Those have always been her choosing. I'd imagine you may see much more "arranging" throughout her life.

The great news, is that you and I have wonderful opportunities to move forward in our lives. We know what we don't want out of a relationship. We know what we do want as well.

This weekend was another nail in the coffin. It's another way to put closure on this relationship.
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Old 02-21-2011, 09:04 AM   #103 (permalink)
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Thanks CW.

That's what I worry about, more "arranging" in her life. Yes it was another nail in the coffin.

Oh well, I'm still standing.
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Old 02-21-2011, 11:26 PM   #104 (permalink)
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You know, a ceremony to officially "bury" this may be just the thing.

Don't get me wrong, I can tell you're done and have been for a while, and it's not like it had a chance even with emergency defibrillator and CPR. But as a way of marking "the nail in the coffin" maybe a personal ceremony to observe the closing of this chapter would be appropriate.

It's just a thought!
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Old 02-22-2011, 09:43 PM   #105 (permalink)
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Great night last night with my boy. Went to a friends house had a cookout. Then tonight played two soccer games and won the Championship. Dang I'm tired, but it feels good. We lost last season in sudden death overtime in the Championship game, so this was sweet. WOOT.
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