Our divorce was finalized the first of this year. There were many issues that destroyed our long term marriage. I have been dating around some and my ex has also. We are amicable around each other, especially at events involving our teenage children.
She recently sent me a text message, suggesting we should go on a date. I declined. I'm concerned about the potential fallout of dating my ex.
She alluded that since she lost weight, maybe we could go on a date. She does look great, but that wasn't the big issues that destroyed our relationship. It's a complicated story, but I moved out and we were separated for 18 months, before she finally filed for the divorce...even though I was on verge of doing so. We just couldn't make it work, even after much counseling.
The kids are doing fine and come and go as they please between both of us. They were ready for us to divorce when it was finally filed. I'm concerned that if I dated her, it would send the wrong signals to the kids and everyone else...and if it did get their hopes up and the old unresolved issues flared up again, everything would turn for the worse. I don't need to go through that and neither do they.
My ex and I get a long fine, since we don't talk about the issues when we're together at events for the kids....but who knows the backlash that could occur if we dated!?
She has updated me from time to time on what is going on with her and I have done likewise.
OK, I may be in the minority here, but it's a date. So go by the rules of dating. First rule in my mind would be would you like to go out on a date with this person?
If not then it ends right there. A simple "I don't think it would be a good idea" set you loose. If yes, then the potential 'complications' of the situation arise. Could you emotionally do it, could she? Try it once and see? Really only you and her could answer these.
Dating doesn't necessarily have to have long term commitment and ramifications involved.
Based on my own experience I would not date an ex. I dated my first husband (we divorced and I am now remarried) after our divorce and it was an emotional roller coaster. It was like other dates in that it was new to us, it maybe got our hopes up, and we saw each other in a different way - we were unattached and didn't have responsibilities and day to day stuff that married people have so it seemed great. But after a few dates I realized we were still the same people and would still have the same issues if we got into a relationship again. I ended up going through the divorce feelings all over again because we decided we couldn't go back and we couldn't just casually date. It was a bad idea for us. Maybe some people can make it work, but I would think long and hard before doing it.
Trooper, your past experiences dating your ex, is definitely what I'm concerned about. I think you hit the nail on the head. Every divorce/relationship is different and some may work out, but I think the old feelings and issues would resurface and cause problems all over again.
It's probably best to not walk the same road twice, with the same person.
Personally, I wouldn't do it. Of course, I also hate my ex, so I might not be the best to advise on this.
I tend to be of the opinion that you got divorced for a reason...whatever that reason was. Those reasons generally don't go away. Some could, sure: she could lose weight, you could quit drinking. Reasons like that, if proven to have been resolved, would not preclude getting back together, if those are the sole reasons the marriage ended.
It's the other reasons, the real reasons that most people get divorced, that don't go away: the one is bad with money, cheating, lying, finding fundamental differences in your feelings on parenting/marriage/life.
Even though someone can claim to have changed in those areas, I don't think that's true very often. Things like that are often from the way a person was raised, and even if they don't 100% agree with it, most people tend to fall back on it simply because it's familiar. It's what they know, and change scares most people.
I doubt very much that going on a date with her would do much of anything except to get your kids hopes up, and leave you two frustrated all over again.
If you still have feelings for your ex and harboring hopes that you might get back together then I would definitely go on the date and see what happens. Otherwise, I think it's a situation best avoided.
I second the idea of a date, a date is a date. You are not getting married, people do go through a very hard personal journey during a divorce that may trigger a look at themselves and a change that could be beneficial in a future relationship.
Anyway, it is your decision and if you are still in amicable terms it means that your have passed the worst part of your divorce. Man, there are couple that will never talk to each other and hate each other's guts forever, w/or w/o children.