My new life as a Single Mother

notreadytoquit · 05-30-2011, 02:32 PM

There is one thing that I don't understand from my ex husband. Lately I have had to communicate with him on some medical issues regarding our son. So every time I have tried to call he never ever answers the phone. I tried to get him to sit down with me and go over some questionaire we have to fill out for our son. He could not find 5 min to stay when he dropped off/picked up son but he would rather do it over the phone.

I don't call or email him about anything else other than our son and even that is very rare unless it is something related to ongoing health issues.

Someone recently pointed out that he may be embarassed by what he did to me and tries to avoid me now. But what I don't understand is even though he cheated, he got what he wanted: A divorce that he initiated, he uprooted our lives big time and now he has no time to sit down and discuss son's issues.

I don't know maybe I am over analyzing a lot(I do have that tendency because I always look for logic) but this is your child. I don't know someone here enlighten me please.

Affaircare · 05-30-2011, 06:59 PM

Who can say what's in the mind of your ex? Clearly the way that he thinks and the way that I think are 100% polar opposites! Then again, that's just me.

I can tell you one thing that really helped me when my exH and I divorced. From that point forward, I really, honestly let him go and envisioned him like a stockboy at the grocery store. What I mean is that I have no emotional connection to the stockboy, I don't have expectations of him, he's just a human being who happens to work at the store. Period. I don't care if the stockboy is honest with me or if his family sends me cards or wants to see my kids...nothing. I literally acted a little as if he had died and if he wanted to be involved, he would contact me or the kids. Now my kids were in elementary school, but still he could have made an arrangement to call them regularly at a certain time of day, or picked them up from their school or gone to their games...but instead he chose not to. In my mind, that is not a good father, but I wasn't married to him anymore so I had no say! So I acted as if I expected him to not be there, and as if he were dead and all I had to depend on was me.

Notready--many times in your message it sounds to me as if you are holding on to your exH and his relatives as if you have expectations of them. They are not part of your life anymore. Please take some time to figure out how to let them go, and then release them. If they make a mess now--it is their own issue and you are not involved anymore. You're free.

colour-me-confused · 05-31-2011, 05:23 PM

My ex went through a period of ignoring my calls a while back ... turned out the reason was simple. He didn't want to talk to me in front of his girlfriend.

Affaircare, I just loved what you wrote. I never thought of things that way but I did things quite similarly. I mourned him like he had died and I let go. I'm pleasant enough, just like I would be to a store clerk! I cannot control what my ex does and does not do. He is not the best Dad. There are times he simply does not show up when he is supposed to. Like you, i put no faith in what he says and, until he's at the door, our son doesn't even know he's coming. I cannot force him to be a better father .. but I can control what kind of Mom I am .. and thats a damn good one I might add

notreadytoquit · 05-31-2011, 07:13 PM

I guess I have to lower my expectations and learn the art of letting go(sigh)

notreadytoquit · 07-04-2011, 04:29 PM

I have not posted in about a month now. In June I went on vacation to the Turks and Caicos Islands. I went to the Club Med Resort and had tons of fun. I truly needed this time away from my child just to take a break from everything. I was at first worried about going on vacation by myself. I have never done it before.

I scheduled my vacation around the two weeks my son was going to be with ex H. I got an amazing deal for the trip being a travel agent so I could not complain much. This trip did wonders for my self esteem but I am starting to feel like I am sinking again.

I also had to take care of a biopsy regarding a thyroid problem I have. I still don't have the results but hopefully it will not be something very serious.

I am now back to work and the daily grind. I find the weekends(especially the long weekends) very depressing. My parents and sister are not into celebrating any of these holidays so it makes it even more difficult. This past weekend we had a long weekend holiday in Canada. A friend of mine invited me to go over with my son to her parents house which is on a lake north of toronto. We both had a great day there. But unfortunately there are very few of those "friends" that actually even pick up the phone to see if we are alive. I am truly disappointed from a lot of people.
I have never asked anyone not to stay friends with my ex, I have never asked anyone to purposely take him of facebook or any other site. I have never bashed him other than tell the truth(always backed up with evidence) to those who wanted to know more and yet I feel people abandonned son and I like we are the ones that committed the adultery and destroyed our family. Anyone else feels this way?

On the other hand I have been looking at making a drastic career change and I am not really getting any support from my immediate family. I try to stay away from them especially my mom who can be very manipulative and just drives me up the wall half the time.

I have not been active with my Single parents group this past month mostly because of time contraints but I plan to get together with them soon. Good thing I am working otherwise I would have gone crazy sitting at home and thinking it all over again.