My new life as a Single Mother
I have been meaning to write this thread for a while now and I finally took the time to put it all down. For those that donít know my story you can see my two large threads in the Menís Clubhouse and Coping with Infidelity.
End of March I discovered my now ex H affair with a coworker. As soon as it was out in the open he filed for divorce. Our divorce was final Sep 20 exactly 6 months after our 5th wedding anniversary. We have a son that will turn 2 years in December.
So what have I done with my life so far? I will divide this thread in several sections so my emotions are not all over the place:
My own road to recovery and healing:
Son and I moved back to Canada from the US on Aug 6, 2010. Since then I have settled down in a nice apartment, got a lot of administrative stuff done related to my move, started looking for work and looks like I will be starting my new job on Dec 1. I am not super thrilled about going back to that industry(travel) but the money is now good and I need to start somewhere. Unfortunately, I canít go back to real estate because it is commission only work and being absent from Canada for almost 3 years would mean starting from zero. I have also started looking into going back to university to potentially do a drastic career change. Still gathering info on that subject. I have actually joined a Single Parentís group on Meetup.com to be able to meet other parents in a similar situation. The group has some nice people and there are many events organized for the kids and for the adults alike. I am actually now one of the event organizers of the group that numbers more than 200+ members and their children. I also started going to a do some bootcamp fitness that involves kickboxing and I am going 3x a week now. I will probably have to take a break now in December but I plan to pursue that and also downhill skiing again in the new year.
Well my family helped me a lot in my move and my settling down back home. My parents are going to be watching my son while I am at work. Son has multiple food allergies so I donít want to put him to daycare yet, maybe next year. But on the emotional front they have not been supportive at all. They are mad as hell at my ex H and they cannot understand why I need to talk to people, why I need to tell my story, why I spend hours on the computer (being on this forum). They have not asked me once since my divorce was final, how I actually feel. My mother has already invented a story to tell her closest friends why I am back in Canada and she is not telling them that I am divorced. They say they are not ashamed of me but they donít want people in our community (Southeastern European) to gloat at my unhappiness(not that their kids are not getting divorced). Whatís even more sad my younger sister is on their side as well. I personally could careless what people think. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I did not go around to sleep with other men while married.
In laws family:
My BIL and SIL at first were supportive but now they have not called since April to even see how we are doing. When I moved back, I sent an email with my new address and phone number to friends and family(including them) but still waiting to hear. If nothing else you would think they would want to maintain some sort of relationship with my son. My MIL calls occasionally to ask how son is doing(God forbid if she asks how I am doing, thatís no no in her book). She is the only close family son has here in Canada and in this city and she has not even made an effort to come and see where her grandson is living or how he is living. She has been invited on more than one occasion even told her myself before the divorce and it is actually spelled out in our parenting plan. I offered for her to come and stay with us for few days since she lives on the other side of town and does not like to drive(she would take the train). Instead she told ex H that she would come to pick up grandson and take him to her house so I donít have to drive. She would do this by train. It takes more than an hour in one direction by train only. So she will subject a 2 year old through that just so she does not come to my place. Not that I care if she ever comes but by putting my son through that trip she is not looking after his best interest. She has not done this yet but this is what she told my ex H.
On top of that I recently found out she has been spreading rumors about me having this boyfriend since I came back to Canada(we were not officially divorced yet when I moved back). This is completely false since I donít even have time to go to the bathroom some days let alone look for a boyfriend. She also told people that ďit did not cost me anything to restart my life in CanadaĒ. Really classy on her part.
There are two cousins in my H family that still stay in touch with me. One is here in Canada and the other one in Europe. That one in Europe has gone through infidelity and she was really a great support all this time to me. We chat mostly by Facebook. This is actually the wife of my ex H cousin. She could not believe when my MIL called there and discussed our divorce with her MIL. Actually her and her husband defended me in front of her MIL and they actually called me to tell me what my MIL has been saying.
I have not said anything to H about all this. He probably does not know his mother is saying all these things. Itís not the first time. My MIL still refuses to see the evidence of her sonís affair. I am planning and thinking of sending her a folder with all the info. Not that it will do something to my marriage but at least I know I have spoken the truth and they can believe then what they want.
This must be the toughest part of my divorce. It seems like when I lost my family and my now ex H I also lost a lot of friends. Some of them were mutual friends some of them were my own friends. It seems like people run away from divorced ones as if we have leprosy. Some were supportive at the beginning but then you donít hear any more from them. Few of my own friends have been supportive but thatís where it ends. Some other divorced parents in my Meetup group also shared the same feelings about friends when going through divorce.
Well he is nice to me I have to say. He has not picked up an argument, he has not yelled or tried to manipulate any way financially. Heck he even gives me the alimony and child support checks early. However, when we are on Skype he only asks how son is doing. I donít ask any questions either. All these months he has not asked even once how my job search is going, after knowing what he has put me through. Few weeks ago he asked: Do you two(son and I ) need anything from the US? My reply was: Son does not need anything. When he came he actually brought me some allergy medication that he knows I cannot get here in Canada. He does bring diapers and some special foods for son from the US and he has said if I need something that is cheaper in the US to let him know so he will get it. So for all these things he never asks for any money nor he subtracts that from the child support/alimony payments. I donít know if he is trying to relieve his guilt through all this or what?
On the other hand, I donít call, I donít email unless I need to tell him something about our son. I donít send him pictures of son either. He does not ask I donít offer. I still have him and his family on my FB account but I have adjusted my settings so they cannot see photos of son or me or read my wall. So basically like they are unfriended . Nobody from his family nor the 42 mutual friends we had has taken me off their list.
He has tried to change the time when we Skype few times because of his travel schedule. I donít particularly go out of my way to accommodate that every time. My schedule is just as important. He tries to talk to our 2 year old 3x a week by Skype and he tries to come twice a month for a weekend. He will now have son in the US during Thanksgiving and Christmas.
On the emotional side the rollercoaster is still there. There are days when I really miss him but then there are days I really hate him. I want that resentment to go away but it is so difficult. I may look into counseling once I get my medical benefits at work. I still feel very much hurt to the core and I think I may never be able to forgive him for all this. This man was the love of my life and I would have taken a bullet for him if I had to. And to be repaid this wayÖÖ The weekends are especially tough, the tears are still here, the memories still hurt(even the good ones). I try to distract myself but nothing seems to take my mind off.
Many people, including some that have also worked with him in the past tell me he did deserve me. I donít know what to think. I donít go around telling people details of our divorce but I run into many whether in person or on the internet who ask me about him. These people have no clue what has happened. When I tell them we are divorced they are absolutely shocked, and most ask why. Then I tell them he had an affair and that he chose to end the marriage. Thatís as far as I go. What other people go and say about him later on, I have no control over that nor I can do anything about it. Many say that he has not tried to contact them for months.
I will be adding more to my thread as things develop.