I have been meaning to write this thread for a while now and I finally took the time to put it all down. For those that donít know my story you can see my two large threads in the Menís Clubhouse and Coping with Infidelity.
End of March I discovered my now ex H affair with a coworker. As soon as it was out in the open he filed for divorce. Our divorce was final Sep 20 exactly 6 months after our 5th wedding anniversary. We have a son that will turn 2 years in December.
So what have I done with my life so far? I will divide this thread in several sections so my emotions are not all over the place:
My own road to recovery and healing:
Son and I moved back to Canada from the US on Aug 6, 2010. Since then I have settled down in a nice apartment, got a lot of administrative stuff done related to my move, started looking for work and looks like I will be starting my new job on Dec 1. I am not super thrilled about going back to that industry(travel) but the money is now good and I need to start somewhere. Unfortunately, I canít go back to real estate because it is commission only work and being absent from Canada for almost 3 years would mean starting from zero. I have also started looking into going back to university to potentially do a drastic career change. Still gathering info on that subject. I have actually joined a Single Parentís group on Meetup.com to be able to meet other parents in a similar situation. The group has some nice people and there are many events organized for the kids and for the adults alike. I am actually now one of the event organizers of the group that numbers more than 200+ members and their children. I also started going to a do some bootcamp fitness that involves kickboxing and I am going 3x a week now. I will probably have to take a break now in December but I plan to pursue that and also downhill skiing again in the new year.
Well my family helped me a lot in my move and my settling down back home. My parents are going to be watching my son while I am at work. Son has multiple food allergies so I donít want to put him to daycare yet, maybe next year. But on the emotional front they have not been supportive at all. They are mad as hell at my ex H and they cannot understand why I need to talk to people, why I need to tell my story, why I spend hours on the computer (being on this forum). They have not asked me once since my divorce was final, how I actually feel. My mother has already invented a story to tell her closest friends why I am back in Canada and she is not telling them that I am divorced. They say they are not ashamed of me but they donít want people in our community (Southeastern European) to gloat at my unhappiness(not that their kids are not getting divorced). Whatís even more sad my younger sister is on their side as well. I personally could careless what people think. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I did not go around to sleep with other men while married.
In laws family:
My BIL and SIL at first were supportive but now they have not called since April to even see how we are doing. When I moved back, I sent an email with my new address and phone number to friends and family(including them) but still waiting to hear. If nothing else you would think they would want to maintain some sort of relationship with my son. My MIL calls occasionally to ask how son is doing(God forbid if she asks how I am doing, thatís no no in her book). She is the only close family son has here in Canada and in this city and she has not even made an effort to come and see where her grandson is living or how he is living. She has been invited on more than one occasion even told her myself before the divorce and it is actually spelled out in our parenting plan. I offered for her to come and stay with us for few days since she lives on the other side of town and does not like to drive(she would take the train). Instead she told ex H that she would come to pick up grandson and take him to her house so I donít have to drive. She would do this by train. It takes more than an hour in one direction by train only. So she will subject a 2 year old through that just so she does not come to my place. Not that I care if she ever comes but by putting my son through that trip she is not looking after his best interest. She has not done this yet but this is what she told my ex H.
On top of that I recently found out she has been spreading rumors about me having this boyfriend since I came back to Canada(we were not officially divorced yet when I moved back). This is completely false since I donít even have time to go to the bathroom some days let alone look for a boyfriend. She also told people that ďit did not cost me anything to restart my life in CanadaĒ. Really classy on her part.
There are two cousins in my H family that still stay in touch with me. One is here in Canada and the other one in Europe. That one in Europe has gone through infidelity and she was really a great support all this time to me. We chat mostly by Facebook. This is actually the wife of my ex H cousin. She could not believe when my MIL called there and discussed our divorce with her MIL. Actually her and her husband defended me in front of her MIL and they actually called me to tell me what my MIL has been saying.
I have not said anything to H about all this. He probably does not know his mother is saying all these things. Itís not the first time. My MIL still refuses to see the evidence of her sonís affair. I am planning and thinking of sending her a folder with all the info. Not that it will do something to my marriage but at least I know I have spoken the truth and they can believe then what they want.
This must be the toughest part of my divorce. It seems like when I lost my family and my now ex H I also lost a lot of friends. Some of them were mutual friends some of them were my own friends. It seems like people run away from divorced ones as if we have leprosy. Some were supportive at the beginning but then you donít hear any more from them. Few of my own friends have been supportive but thatís where it ends. Some other divorced parents in my Meetup group also shared the same feelings about friends when going through divorce.
Well he is nice to me I have to say. He has not picked up an argument, he has not yelled or tried to manipulate any way financially. Heck he even gives me the alimony and child support checks early. However, when we are on Skype he only asks how son is doing. I donít ask any questions either. All these months he has not asked even once how my job search is going, after knowing what he has put me through. Few weeks ago he asked: Do you two(son and I ) need anything from the US? My reply was: Son does not need anything. When he came he actually brought me some allergy medication that he knows I cannot get here in Canada. He does bring diapers and some special foods for son from the US and he has said if I need something that is cheaper in the US to let him know so he will get it. So for all these things he never asks for any money nor he subtracts that from the child support/alimony payments. I donít know if he is trying to relieve his guilt through all this or what?
On the other hand, I donít call, I donít email unless I need to tell him something about our son. I donít send him pictures of son either. He does not ask I donít offer. I still have him and his family on my FB account but I have adjusted my settings so they cannot see photos of son or me or read my wall. So basically like they are unfriended . Nobody from his family nor the 42 mutual friends we had has taken me off their list.
He has tried to change the time when we Skype few times because of his travel schedule. I donít particularly go out of my way to accommodate that every time. My schedule is just as important. He tries to talk to our 2 year old 3x a week by Skype and he tries to come twice a month for a weekend. He will now have son in the US during Thanksgiving and Christmas.
On the emotional side the rollercoaster is still there. There are days when I really miss him but then there are days I really hate him. I want that resentment to go away but it is so difficult. I may look into counseling once I get my medical benefits at work. I still feel very much hurt to the core and I think I may never be able to forgive him for all this. This man was the love of my life and I would have taken a bullet for him if I had to. And to be repaid this wayÖÖ The weekends are especially tough, the tears are still here, the memories still hurt(even the good ones). I try to distract myself but nothing seems to take my mind off.
Many people, including some that have also worked with him in the past tell me he did deserve me. I donít know what to think. I donít go around telling people details of our divorce but I run into many whether in person or on the internet who ask me about him. These people have no clue what has happened. When I tell them we are divorced they are absolutely shocked, and most ask why. Then I tell them he had an affair and that he chose to end the marriage. Thatís as far as I go. What other people go and say about him later on, I have no control over that nor I can do anything about it. Many say that he has not tried to contact them for months.
I will be adding more to my thread as things develop.
Welcome notreadytoquit. I'm sorry the reltionship with your in-laws is strained. I don't contact my former MIL very much, although I send an e-mail from time to time. I do send pics of my son thought -- I shared recent b-day party pics, his last soccer game, things of that nature. I know she appreciates them. I also send to my ex w. I do this because I feel it is the right thing to do -- I expect nothing in return.
I was pretty close with my MIL. She always treated me with open arms. I miss her in that way, which is why I send pics. Because I know she appreciates it, he is after all her only blood grandchild. She has step-grandchildren. To her he is truly special, for my ex was unlikely to get pregnant let alone carry to term. So in a real way he is my, my ex's and my ex MIL's little miracle.
I hope for you in the future they will realize the loss they themselves are creating.
I would not have problem sending anyone any pictures, in fact I occasionally send photos of him to other friends, relatives who are not on FB including my ex H cousin here in Canada and they are gratful for it.
But this woman did not like me from the beginning even though during our marriage I always encouraged husband to call her back when she would leave a message. When she was coming to visit us for the first time in the US 3 years ago my ex H wanted her to stay there 3 days only. Only after me insisting she stayed for an entire week. She knows this and yet she chooses to badmouth me and spread lies about me. I also feel that is not my responsibility to make sure she has a relationship with her grandson. If she or my BIL do not want to put the effort, there is not much I can do. They both know that nether I nor my child chose to be in this situation.
I don't know maybe some people would think I am wrong by not sending photos to ex H or to my MIL but after everything son and I have been put through, I just feel it is not my job to ensure these two have contact with son. Maybe someone on the forum can pitch in their experiences. I just feel really,really hurt right now and I try to minimize my contact with ex H or his mom as much as possible in order to be able to move on.
Before even the divorce was final he was also texting/emailing photos of our son to the OW which I found to be absolutely disgusting.
Also people on this forum have been amazing and extremely supportive in this difficult time for which I am very grateful.
tomorrow will be tough day for me. Ex H is coming to pick up son and take him to the US to spend a week over there. At least he will take him around doctors that he usually sees because of his food allergies(here in Canada I can't even get him a pediatrician). But it will be tough on me this week knowing that son will be probably around the OW. I swear any other woman would have been fine with me but not that wh*** Hopefully I survive this week.
Next week I start my new job at my old place of employment. Hopefully that should bring some variety in my empty life right now.
Ah, you are someone I would like to know IRL! You have done a lot of good things for yourself and your son, and although it is too bad his father made such poor choices, you are letting them have a relationship without making it difficult or ugly. Your son will one day see enough of this world to understand what a gift you have given him in the midst of all your troubles and pain. I hope you'll "lean on" us when you need it, and I look forward to hearing how things unfold for you, b/c although it still won't be easy (is life every really just "easy?") I suspect you will find real happiness in many ways. God bless.
Today my ex is driving our 2 year old to CT from Toronto. I just called to see how he was doing on the road. He already had to stop twice to change him and feed him. I just can't believe he is subjecting a 2 year old child to an 8 hr long car ride. I told him it would be better for son if they made an overnight stop somewhere but he probably won't listen to me. He could have chosen to fly son which only takes 1 hr and ex H has enough airline points. He also plans to do this at Xmas time. I hope son does not get sick in this weather.
I am trying to concentrate today to study for an exam that I need to take for work but my mind is not on the books. This is so hard. I wish I could close my eyes these two next months and wake up in January.
Today I skype with son who is staying with Dad in CT. It was really nice to see my baby but I could barely keep my composure and my tears. H took him to the pediatrician we had over there and she said he was doing excellent. I tried to see if I could see him on skype on Thursday(US thanksgiving) but ex H said they would be out and about(yeah right when everything is closed). I have a pretty good idea where they are going to be and it absolutely breaks my heart to know that wh*** will be around my son.
I was also weird seeing my former home on skype(it was a rental but still home to us).
I no longer check ex H cell phone account but for some reason I did this morning. Right there a 26 min phone call to the OW on Sat when ex H was at MILs. He does not call her that much from that phone anymore because he has that secret blackberry that is probably used for her only.
I don't know how I am going to suvive this week, I really don't. It's just so hard. How could have given all my life to that monster.
just found out that my child basically spent two days at the house of the OW. Disgusting. Husband was late getting this morning on Skype so I called his cell. Phone was ringing but he would not pick up,no answer to my text either. I called the house phone no answer there either. Es texts me back finally saying son was still sleeping so he was just waking up now and that the house phones were on silent(yeah right). I just text him back: Whatever! As your mother would say the lies have short legs.
When we finally got on skype husband was really nice and really chatty! Go figure.
The reason how I know where my son spent the night is that the OW ex H text me. His neighbour told him that my ex H car was there basically until earlier this morning. So when I was trying to call he was probably driving back. I don't believe that the OW ex is lying to me because he pays her alimony and one of the reasons he can stop doing that is she starts living with some else. Knowing how easy my ex is on money he could be basically paying rent somewhere else but mostly spending time in her house.
I went out tonight with my sister and another female friend. It was nice to catch up over dinner but my mind kept wondering out to different places. I really miss my son! I just absolutely hate that he is around that disgusting scum of a woman.
I just thought today. There have been few people in my life that I did not get along but I don't think I have truly hated anyone the way I hate my ex H now.
Positive thoughts where are you? I have always been an upbeat positive, self confident person but that all seems like a distant memory.