As some of you might remember, I left my husband in early October. We're not yet legally divorced, and we probably won't be for at least the next 4 months or so.
In the meantime, I've managed to end up with a painful, absurd, ridiculous crush on one of the guys at work. It's pretty torturous.
And it's really pathetic. I feel like some disgusting, predatory cougar for even thinking of him. The guy is 11 years younger than I am. Eleven! Why the hell does he have to be effortlessly, naturally sexy as hell? Not to mention that he's super-smart, seems genuinely nice, has had a very interesting life, and can be completely hilarious once he gets going.
I have to see the guy three days a week. And we're working on a group project together. That means I'm going to see him at least once a week over lunch from this week through mid-June. I think I might die of cardiac arrest before then.
I don't have a prayer of being with him. I know that. For one thing, he lives very far away from me--about 2.5 hours away. And he has a girlfriend. A girlfriend I suspect he's not always so happy with, but a girlfriend nonetheless. And, of course, he's not going to go for me, when he could probably take his pick of beautiful women in their early to mid-20s.
And it doesn't even make sense for me to want to date him! I'm not even divorced yet! I'm absolutely not ready to date. I know that. But damned if I don't think of it every time I see him, especially if he hasn't shaved that morning, or is wearing a shirt that shows off his arms, or lets me see a tiny bit of his chest, or has a collar that shows off the soft space where his neck meets his shoulders. Damn!
I try my best not to let on how I feel. I avoid eye contact (but force myself to meet his eyes whenever we talk). During meetings, I sit far away from him and walk out after he leaves, etc. Sometimes we end up chatting in the hall, or on the street, anyway, though. I try not to simper too much or fiddle with my hair.
We have a weekly meeting on Mondays that lets out at 5:30. We sometimes go out for dinner, if everyone's up for it. On Monday, he and I were the only ones who wanted to go. He seemed happy enough about going with just me, but I ducked out quickly. I saw a Radio Shack across the street and said I needed a replacement cell phone battery and stuff, and that I'd see him later. He looked a little disappointed, confused, and vaguely offended.
A cell phone battery?! A cell phone battery?! That's the best I could come up with? Jesus, I'm pathetic. What the hell is wrong with me?! I ducked into the store and waited for my heart rate to steady itself out. Then I actually bought a battery, just so that I could somehow justify squirming out of a dinner I'd been so desperate to have. My battery's working fine. What the hell was I thinking?!
I know that if I had gone to dinner with him, I probably would have ended up giggling and saying incredibly stupid things. It would have been incredibly embarrassing. I know it's for the best that I ducked out, but I still feel really, really dumb. And now the guy probably thinks that I have some sort of problem with him. After all, I don't talk to him much, I always sit far away from him, and now I've ducked out of dinner on a flimsy excuse, even though I was eager to go when it looked like there would be a group of us.
Help! How do I stop feeling like this? I really don't want to be so hung up on anyone, especially not now. If I could take a pill and make all of this go away, I would, in a heartbeat.
I'd be very, very grateful for any suggestions you may have.
Oh, and, in case you're wondering--the crush didn't start until long after I'd left my husband. So, no, I didn't leave my marriage for a crush on a much younger, obviously completely unattainable man.
Hey, you feel what you feel. What are you gonna do? Listen I fell for a girl 10 years younger than me and she wanted EVERYTHING to do with me. She thought I was sexy and loved the fact that I was older. Well except the leave her boyfriend for me part. LOL. In any case, go with the flow. You gotta live before you die. Just concentrate on having a good time and be happy. You see this dude too much to simply cut off any feelings that are there.
You could just let him know you are a bit "emotional" sometimes b/c of the pending divorce (he doesn't need to know you are "emotional" over him, a feeling you probably wouldn't have developed had you been happily married, hence the 'because of the divorce part) and apologize for ducking out on the dinner. Then be sure to wait and commit LAST to those dinners so the situation doesn't arise again. BUT, if he becomes available, he sounds like the perfect "rebound" guy and I would say, GO FOR IT! 11 years is nothing when it comes to the rebound relationship.
If it happens, I want details!! haha
As for feeling silly etc., try to embrace it as just "rediscovering" your inner young adult. You'd tell a younger woman it's ok, right? Don't be too hard on yourself. Having a crush can be fun!
He sat right next to me today. Luckily for me, he just got a very unflattering haircut, was completely clean-shaven (with several small nicks) and was wearing a shirt that looked like a cat had eaten some felt and barfed it up on him. That helped a little. But, honestly, not much.
I tried to focus on his flaws, in hopes that I could persuade myself that he really isn't so special. His front teeth overlap slightly. He's kind of pink from the razor. He's got a slight double chin, if you really look, especially when he pulls back his head when's surprised by something or is concentrating.
That was completely useless.
And, no, I can't just go with it. Here's why:
1) He's not interested in me. At all. With or without a girlfriend. I'm sure he'd be repulsed--and it would make things very awkward--if he knew how I felt.
2) Even if, by some miracle, he actually were interested--look, I work with the guy and will be doing so for at least the next 2 years. If we got involved, that would really screw things up. I can only imagine how hard it would be to walk into one of our many meetings after we'd just broken things off.
3) I'm still married! It's over, yeah, but I'm not really a free woman yet. I'm glad I left, and I know I'm never going back. I still feel...not cool, I guess, about wanting to see someone else before I'm officially divorced.
There's really only one thing to do, and that's squelch it. Squelch, squelch, squelch. Or get the hell over it and go back to work.
This isn't fun. It sucks. I know that some people can enjoy having crushes, but I can't--especially not now.
You are smart. You know it's too soon and that you need to give yourself the time and space to really heal and set up your own life. Plus, you don't want to get involved with a co-worker. That's a recipe for disaster.
Just treat him a friend. Go out to lunch or dinner if it comes up. You have self control..you can do it!
Then go home and take a cold shower, or better yet, invest in a nice vibrator.
My H left me in Oct too... and i have already gone out on a couple dates....met some cute men...flirted and started feeling young again! haha I dont think its too soon to date...i just wouldnt get into anything super serious now though, cause i want to have fun, meet people and not be anyones serious girlfriend, LOL Its the yr to live it up.
May I make a suggestion? This is your heart's way of practicing.
Your heart hasn't had a headlong, dizzy spin in quite a while, and through a divorce part of you kind of wonders "Good lord, will I ever be able to love again? Will anyone ever love me?" Then maybe you don't feel anything and you think "Shoot! Did I break it? Is it broken? Maybe I CAN'T feel anything!"
Nope. Your heart picked someone relatively safe to practice on. YOU know he's unavailable. HE knows he's unavailable. YOU know you're not ready. But your heart wants to spin it's wheels a little--see if it's still there alive and kicking! So it's doing a little "test drive" and giving it a try.
Well whaddya know! It's still there--still beating and feeling and even has a dizzy spell or two in it. Good for you! Now you know that when the time comes that you're ready to look, and you meet someone who is worthy of your self and your time and your heart--it is alive and well and can feel just like a spring chicken!
If you want, you can tell your heart to stop now, and "thank you for flexing your muscles....I see you are able to flutter."
Maybe I'm off-base, but it really sounds like you need to take a step back and really look at yourself. These forums are blind unless someone posts a picture, but its clear that at least the intelligence and wit are there. Take stock of yourself. You've indicated enough concerns about this guy that its at least worth just accepting that you'll grow tired of him soon. Call it arrogance, or whatever, but remind yourself that there is a really lucky guy out there who might be the one for you one day. In betweeen, there will likely be a few potentials, but THEY will be the lucky ones.
This is the part where I should shut up, but I'll offer it anyway. I'm a people watcher. You see new people who enter the worklplace, men or women, and you hear that they are newly divorced or single. Its like a person growing up suddenly. Something inevitably clicks with some guy or girl, and they don't really believe that another person would be lucky to have them, so its awkward for a while. Long and short of it is that what is happening is pretty normal. Accepting that can likely give you the strength to just let it go, and find the one who doesn't have a double chin.
Oh yeah. As a guy. If an older woman shows interest, we don't get repulsed. Kind've makes a guy feel invincible.
Affaircare--I think you may be right. I hadn't thought of it as my heart wanting practice, but maybe that's exactly what's going on.
Halien--I think you're right, too. I've been having trouble believing that I have much to offer anyone at this point. I'm sure I'm wrong in that, though. After having my husband constantly tell me how much I suck, I think my perceptions of myself might not correspond too well with reality.
Thanks so much to everyone for the replies. You've helped me a lot!
I have to get back to work--more updates coming later tonight.
For those of you who want an update--sorry for the delay.
My crush is over.
I saw the guy at a party last night. It was a small group of people, most of whom were co-workers of ours.
In the course of the party, I found out two things about the guy:
1) He's friendly with us, and he can be witty and charming, but he doesn't really like us Americans all that much. He thinks we're all kind of shallow, fake, and provincial.
I'd been to his native country a couple of times, so I asked him where within that country he was from. His response came down to only a slightly more polite version of, "You have no idea about my country, so stop BSing. So you've been to the capital city. Well, hooraaaaaay for you! Where I'm from is worlds apart from that, in a place you don't know anything about. Shut up and quit pretending, like most supposedly friendly Americans, that you care or have a clue."
I can see why he might be a little annoyed about having lots of well-meaning but ignorant people ask him where he's from, over and over. I've had that experience, myself. I didn't see any reason for him to be so dismissive and rude about it, though.
2) He and his girlfriend are obviously smitten with each other. It was really very sweet to see how in love they are. I'd never want a relationship like theirs for myself, though. He's both very protective and very servile towards her. I'd feel smothered if anyone hovered over me the way he hovers over her.
So, it's over. I'm relieved, I guess, but I'm also a bit disappointed. Ah, well.
Bluesky--I'm not quite sure what you're talking about. How is having a crush on someone with a girlfriend morally wrong? That doesn't even make any sense.
Feelings aren't right or wrong in themselves. It's what you do with them that matters. I think I handled mine pretty well. I did my best not to let on that I felt anything for the guy, since I knew that I wasn't divorced and he had a girlfriend. I wasn't going to do anything that would have been untoward or embarrassing to either of us. I posted about my feelings here, so that it would be easier to keep them quiet in my real life.
I don't even know that I would have gone out with him if he'd asked. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I was a little unsettled about having a crush before I was divorced. I know I'm not ready to be involved with someone else, and I'm not about to go after anyone who's involved with someone else.
Having or not having a crush isn't voluntary. My crush is over because...well, I no longer have a crush. I don't have any interest in him at this point. It really has nothing to do with the fact that he didn't go after me.
After all, haven't you, at some point, had a crush on someone who didn't return your feelings? Did the fact that that person never showed interest in you change how you felt, even one little bit?
SBBS, wasn't it kind of fun? I miss having crushes--can't even remember the last one! One of the major attractions (IMO) is that they aren't very realistic, so you can let your imagination go wild--like, imagining he will always be perfect and charming and say exactly the right things, stuff you don't imagine with a "real" prospect b/c you know that's not fair and besides, the real guy is going to surprise you with who he REALLY is (hopefully, in a good way) and you don't want to imagine, you want to discover!
But, thanks for sharing your emotional adventure. A very inexpensive, low-cal, vicarious thrill