Thoughts About Dating After Divorce As A Former BS - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

User Tag List

 22Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-07-2015, 05:18 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 13,997
Re: Thoughts About Dating After Divorce As A Former BS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
Some people position themselves to serial dating for several reasons. They could be scared to

connect deeply with another person, may not feel the reward is worth the risk, some after a 15-20-25 year M....

feel it just isn't in the cards for them. Mom and pop's parents were married till death, my parents

were (well it took them getting M twice ) married till death, my two older aunts were.

As I grew up... once M, always M.... fight it out. Well times.... they do a' change.
So far, everyone from my two older brothers, who are 11 and 13 years older, on back through to forever that I know of, have stayed married till death. There are maybe just two or three of my relatives, out of say thirty, that have divorced. My sister, who is only 15 months older and me are the ones who have had the toughest time with it. Different generations, I guess. Taught the older ways by aging parents and they weren't compatible with the realities of the day. I don't know for sure. Some of it is me, too. I won't lie.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
The months leading up to me meeting 1st love... I was more interested in recovering from the

botched surgery and enjoying my senior year. We met, both showed interest, but I was hesitant.

1st love cornered me...."if you like me, act on it or leave me alone." We dated two years.

2nd love... I decided to date around and enjoy my college years. I did like this one gal

but learned she wanted to try things again with her x b/f. I respected that... she would ask me

advice (I was a few years older). One day she told me she had a friend she thought I would like to meet.

We dated solid for three years and off and on two more. For roughly a year, I dated around... had just

graduated college. Met a few great women, met a few I wish I hadn't. Even was semi-serious with

a gal 17 years older than me. Summer '97 I was happily dating a handful of women and was not

serious with any. Enter my now XW.... "the deck was shuffled" and she was top card on deck.

Reshuffled.... XW still there...... third time.... XW still there. One by one the other women just

faded away. There we were.... 15+ years. After DDay 2012... I had about as much desire to date

as I would getting a hemorrhoid. I knew exactly what I wanted by learning from my mistakes in

our M. But I was not ready.... for anything serious. Enter UG... who personified "the perfect person at

the perfect time." It was wonderful..... then it was over. Somewhat like a high school or college

romance. I have been dating around for about six months now. Not much has changed... still love older

women. I seem more attractive to older women. Now for the Sandy Koufax curveball....

since I want kids I have to date younger. New territory for me. When you look to the right for that

"person" she will sneak up on you, on your left.
That's a lot to me. I know it's not that much, in the bigger picture. Sneaking up on me is how I met my second wife. She was there speaking at a meeting. I wanted to get to know her, but had no designs of getting married to anyone. I didn't take it off the table completely and forever. I just had no thoughts of it. A few dates later, and she wanted to move in.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
As for the BS.... I never knew if XW cheated or

not. It didn't matter.... she walked out on the M. To he!! with her. She regrets what she did,

has admitted this. Well that is her cross to bear.
Some day, I may want to talk with my second wife. I haven't been able since she left in '11. There was no ability to have a conversation, no matter how I tried. A ton of hurt later, and I have not contacted her since June of '12. I sometimes believe it will be a must to heal. Trouble is, I doubt she will ever want to discuss in general, just what the hell happened. I'm not ready yet anyway. I have time. I may choose not to ever attempt that and have no real designs on it presently. It's just thoughts and musings at the moment. Trying to heal and figuring out what I need to do that is tough.


"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-07-2015, 05:23 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 13,997
Re: Thoughts About Dating After Divorce As A Former BS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolf1974 View Post
I have done both. Multi dated when I was in the early phases of divorce and hurt from the cheating. I was out of control. I would sometimes stack up dates 3 deep on a Saturday and another 2 or so on Sunday. This was ok I guess but expensive even though I had a no dinner first date rule, and not very fulfilling. In the end I am a relationship guy and can't really obtain that dating everyone in town. So now I do one at a time which I'm much happier with.
I've never had two scheduled in one day. I have had one in or two in a week, but that's it. That was in my thirties and part of the one time I did that, as I posted above this.

I think it would be less problematic, even for those with experience multi-dating, to just stick with one at a time.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline  
post #18 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-07-2015, 05:27 PM
Member
 
Rowan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Southeast
Posts: 2,596
Re: Thoughts About Dating After Divorce As A Former BS

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
If I did anything, I might do this, but it's as far as I think I would go now. I don't think I would even know how to do this, though. I would think of them as friends or acquaintances rather than potential partners.

Virtually all of my dating has been with men I met on online dating sites. I think of the first date as a chance to see if we gross each other out, if we can carry on a reasonable conversation, if either of us are lying about anything major and obvious in our profiles. In other words, it's a very preliminary, very low-key meeting to decide if it's even worth it to continue talking or try to arrange another date. I'm not looking for true love on a first date. I'm looking to determine if this person is even someone I would be willing to get to know further. It's a chance to do the initial evaluation I would have done if I'd met the guy in person - through friends, at a party, through work, etc. - but didn't have the opportunity for since I "met" him online.

The second date is where I start trying to really evaluate a man's potential as a romantic partner. Is this someone I am attracted to and would like to date, know better, perhaps develop a relationship with? Or, as has been most common so far, is this a really nice man that I'm not really attracted to or doesn't really seem all that compatible? I've had a number of second dates that didn't go any further.

Which I think is why I have no problem having a couple first dates in the same week or two-week period. Or even a first date with one man on Tuesday and a second date with another man on Saturday. As I said, though, if I think there's enough potential with a man to warrant a third date, I stop seeing other people.

If the idea of multi-dating doesn't feel right for you, though, then you shouldn't do it.

Last edited by Rowan; 05-07-2015 at 05:42 PM.
Rowan is offline  
 
post #19 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-07-2015, 05:31 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 13,997
Re: Thoughts About Dating After Divorce As A Former BS

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
If they are dating other people, then she is not his "girlfriend" nor is he the "boyfriend." You cant have those titles if you are multi dating.
This comment made me sit up and take notice. I never thought to label it this way. I'm not saying there is something wrong with labeling it. I'm saying it's very accurate and eye opening to realize this perspective.

He has told me she sort of complains he is not retired. It's his fault for how he spent his money. She wants more time with him. She threatens to "go to the dance" with another man. He says "go". He told me today that he will dance with someone else too. It doesn't bother him. For me, that's shocking and something I wish I could believe in my heart, but I'm just not that way. I'd be hurt.


Quote:
Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
The woman in this scenario is very selfish in expecting him to give her all this time and show jealousy. Its kind of sick, in my personal opinion. I dont understand why he is tolerating it, whether he wants commitment or wants to keep dating around. Either way, this woman sounds toxic.
Yes, I think she is selfish to some extent. I think she expects life to be a certain way. Like, having some money, a good retirement and so on a so forth. Just like the american dream says we must all have to win. I don't really know what his financial state is, but I don't think he is broke. I agree she is toxic. There is something he gets out of this. I'll let you guess.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
If you dont want to multi date, then DONT. I dont do it, I hate the idea of that. I am a one on one kind of person, and if you dont like the idea of what he is doing, then dont let anyone talk you into it.
Thanks for the validation here. It means a lot.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline  
post #20 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-07-2015, 06:05 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 13,997
Re: Thoughts About Dating After Divorce As A Former BS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
Virtually all of my dating has been with men I met on online dating sites. I think of the first date as a chance to see if we gross each other out, if we can carry on a reasonable conversation, if either of us are lying about anything major and obvious in our profiles. In other words, it's a very preliminary, very low-key meeting to decide if it's even worth it to continue talking or try to arrange another date. I'm not looking for true love on a first date. I'm looking to determine if this person is even someone I would be willing to get to know further.

The second date is where I start trying to really evaluate a man's potential as a romantic partner. Is this someone I am attracted to and would like to date, know better, perhaps develop a relationship with? Or, as has been most common so far, is this a really nice man that I'm not really attracted to or doesn't really seem all that compatible. I've had a number of second dates that didn't go any further.

Which I think is why I have no problem having a couple first dates in the same week or two-week period. Or even a first date with one man on Tuesday and a second date with another man on Saturday. As I said, though, if I think there's enough potential with a man to warrant a third date, I stop seeing other people.
Sorry if I sounded judgmental or misleading in my response. I did not mean it that way...not at all. Don't feel guilty. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.(what you are doing)

You have to understand that I have specific reasons personal to me that have nothing to do with you or anyone. Most of this stuff I should or did know, but have either forgotten or cannot for the life of me figure out, no matter how simple it seems. I wasn't always this way. Something happened to me that left me with a few problems that I have to work through. Well, lots of things happened that affected me.

It's nothing to do with any of you.

At my core, I am a conservative when it comes to dating and sex, but not totally inhibited. I would just need someone special to bring things out in me, now. I need to work on myself some more. I know it and this thread is part of helping me define what I need to address about myself, not anyone else.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline  
post #21 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-07-2015, 06:08 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 13,997
Re: Thoughts About Dating After Divorce As A Former BS

Thank you everyone.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline  
post #22 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-07-2015, 06:33 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Tropicopolis
Posts: 909
Re: Thoughts About Dating After Divorce As A Former BS

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
That last sentence is one thing I am thinking in the back of my mind. Don't know if I would ever marry again. Likely not, but I would want someone close to me in heart and exclusive to me. It's hard to write that and not feel like it's controlling. I don't mean it that way.

But, that's freakin' scary as hell. It frightens me to my core.
I understand this, and I don't think it sounds controlling. It's crossed my mind more than once that marrying again may not be something I would or should do. But I'd certainly like to eventually be exclusive with someone and have that closeness again.

I think it's going to take me a while to heal, though. And I also think that at least one of my son's parents should show him that someone you've spent half your life with can't be that easily replaced. I don't mean that as spitefully as it sounds - I mean sincerely that my son is a little freaked out that his Dad is doing this seemingly out of nowhere - he thought we had a good marriage and were happy, and it's kind of left him reeling just a bit.
Nomorebeans is offline  
post #23 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-07-2015, 07:00 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 13,997
Re: Thoughts About Dating After Divorce As A Former BS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nomorebeans View Post
I understand this, and I don't think it sounds controlling. It's crossed my mind more than once that marrying again may not be something I would or should do. But I'd certainly like to eventually be exclusive with someone and have that closeness again.

I think it's going to take me a while to heal, though. And I also think that at least one of my son's parents should show him that someone you've spent half your life with can't be that easily replaced. I don't mean that as spitefully as it sounds - I mean sincerely that my son is a little freaked out that his Dad is doing this seemingly out of nowhere - he thought we had a good marriage and were happy, and it's kind of left him reeling just a bit.
Decisions based in feelings rather than mostly logic are scary and confusing. There doesn't seem like something solid to think on and say, oh yeah I get your reasons. It's more...Huh? You what? But...I just can't understand that....

The trouble is, love, as a feeling each of us has is not perceptible to others unless we do something. Doing something might not be love, but obligation and perceived as love by a spouse or partner. It's really messed up. How can a kid, even a teen understand if we really don't?

I bet there are some books that he can read and if anyone is looking in and has a suggestion, please feel free to hijack a little for her and her son's sake. I'm not going anywhere soon with this, so it won't hurt a thing and we can come back to topic.

Oddly, I haven't read any spite or bitterness in your posts, just hurt, anger, frustration, a little confusion at times, and pain. I wish it weren't so.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline  
post #24 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-07-2015, 07:26 PM
Member
 
Chuck71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Where I lay my head
Posts: 6,444
Re: Thoughts About Dating After Divorce As A Former BS

As for the reasoning why my XW gave up on our M... after I walked out of the clouds and stepped into the light,

I profiled her (my field of study), everything made sense. Did I want questions answered even after

I forced her hand? Yes I did. I knew one day they would be answered and at her request to.

They were answered about a year later. Was she honest with all of them? She wasn't.

One day..... down the road she will. I will always love who she was but not what she turned into.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
Chuck71 is online now  
post #25 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-08-2015, 01:13 PM
Member
 
zillard's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 3,986
Re: Thoughts About Dating After Divorce As A Former BS

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
Are we ever really a former betrayed spouse?
In a sense, no. Being betrayed can be a very traumatic experience, and if it was for you, you'll always be a person who has been through that trauma.

However, it doesn't have to define nor control you.

You can think of yourself as a BS, a former BS, or as a single man with experience.

As far as the dating goes, you're not alone. Multi-dating as has been described here (first round of dates prior to sex) is something I have no problem with, as I see that first round as a fun interview process. But sex is very intimate to me and I wouldn't be OK with myself having multiple partners, and due to that I expect the same from any partner.

I've had a couple ONSs before. Sure I got my rocks off, was fun, but ultimately would rather not that way. I see them as being more about immediate gratification and validation. However, that quickly dissipates leaving me feeling a bit icky. Not for me. I've even turned down naked women before as it just didn't feel right to me.

Multiple partners and FWB would not work for me either, for the same reasons.

zillard is offline  
post #26 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-08-2015, 02:30 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Tropicopolis
Posts: 909
Re: Thoughts About Dating After Divorce As A Former BS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
I will always love who she was but not what she turned into.
I don't think my STBXH was once a good-hearted person who turned into something else - I think I've just finally starting to see him for what he really is.

I look back at our marriage, now, and realize that the good times were an exception and not the rule. He basically abandoned me on a number of occasions. I wanted him to accompany me to my extended family's or out-state-friends' holiday and other events and visits and asked him sincerely to do so, and he almost always talked his way out of going with me. In the rare event he did accompany me, he acted like a spoiled brat who didn't get his way the whole time and embarassed me in front of my family and friends. Consequently, none of my family or long-time friends are terribly upset that we're divorcing. Some of them have even said things like "He's treated you terribly for years. Good riddance."

Chuck, do you think your WW actually changed, or just more openly showed herself for what she really is?

In my view, people don't change. They just get older.
Nomorebeans is offline  
post #27 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-08-2015, 03:41 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 13,997
Re: Thoughts About Dating After Divorce As A Former BS

Quote:
Originally Posted by zillard View Post
In a sense, no. Being betrayed can be a very traumatic experience, and if it was for you, you'll always be a person who has been through that trauma.

However, it doesn't have to define nor control you.

You can think of yourself as a BS, a former BS, or as a single man with experience.

As far as the dating goes, you're not alone. Multi-dating as has been described here (first round of dates prior to sex) is something I have no problem with, as I see that first round as a fun interview process. But sex is very intimate to me and I wouldn't be OK with myself having multiple partners, and due to that I expect the same from any partner.

I've had a couple ONSs before. Sure I got my rocks off, was fun, but ultimately would rather not that way. I see them as being more about immediate gratification and validation. However, that quickly dissipates leaving me feeling a bit icky. Not for me. I've even turned down naked women before as it just didn't feel right to me.

Multiple partners and FWB would not work for me either, for the same reasons.
It's almost too much to believe, but it's true. I've never had a ONS. I've also turned down sex with a sure thing woman who was aggressive and telling me to go upstairs with her. I would not do it. I've done it several times with women I didn't know and some I did know a little, but was married.
Edit: I meant turned them down when I was married and when single, if I didn't know them. That read like I "did it" with them. haha No, sorry. Never cheated. Never slept with a woman I didn't at least know a little and date.

I won't truly feel like a former betrayed spouse, ever. It's impacted me too much. It's sort of like being a widow/er in my mind. You can get married again, but you were married to a spouse that died. Unless they reverse that death and come back, I don't see how it could be different, but I suppose I won't have to talk about it all the time.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."

Last edited by 2ntnuf; 05-08-2015 at 05:59 PM.
2ntnuf is offline  
post #28 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-08-2015, 04:36 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Tropicopolis
Posts: 909
Re: Thoughts About Dating After Divorce As A Former BS

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
I won't truly feel like a former betrayed spouse, ever. It's impacted me too much. It's sort of like being a widow/er in my mind. You can get married again, but you were married to a spouse that died. Unless they reverse that death and come back, I don't see how it could be different, but I suppose I won't have to talk about it all the time.


It does very much feel to me like my STBXH has died, too. Except his ghost is still walking around, and having a whole other life with other people I don't know and don't care to know - other ghosts, I guess.

Yes, it will be nice to not have to talk about it all the time, won't it? I know that, and yet right now still need to talk about it all the time, I guess until I wring it out just as much as I possibly can before I hang it out, let it dry, and never handle it again. It'll still be hanging there and I won't be able to help but notice it once in a while. But I won't need it anymore.
Nomorebeans is offline  
post #29 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-08-2015, 04:55 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 13,997
Re: Thoughts About Dating After Divorce As A Former BS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nomorebeans View Post


It does very much feel to me like my STBXH has died, too. Except his ghost is still walking around, and having a whole other life with other people I don't know and don't care to know - other ghosts, I guess.

Yes, it will be nice to not have to talk about it all the time, won't it? I know that, and yet right now still need to talk about it all the time, I guess until I wring it out just as much as I possibly can before I hang it out, let it dry, and never handle it again. It'll still be hanging there and I won't be able to help but notice it once in a while. But I won't need it anymore.
It takes quite some healing to get there. I'm not completely there. It's why I am not dating. Still, I want to know about these things. I'm hoping, but not holding my breath. If I never date again it would be really sad, but it's not completely impossible.

I guess I am partly afraid to want anything anymore. All that I loved most deeply has left me or been taken from me. Seems defeatist, but I honestly have assessed what my life has been like. Many would say it was my fault, but I don't believe that with this second marriage. Some things I did wrong, sure.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline  
post #30 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-08-2015, 05:12 PM
Member
 
zillard's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 3,986
Re: Thoughts About Dating After Divorce As A Former BS

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
Many would say it was my fault, but I don't believe that with this second marriage. Some things I did wrong, sure.
It's important to own our own crap - our choices, our actions. Just as important is to place the rest where it belongs, and let it go. They don't have to own their actions in order for us to refuse to carry them (though that would help).

We all have enough stones to carry - no use carrying someone else's.
zillard is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Guys: thoughts on dating sex being exclusive? firebelly1 Life After Divorce 64 09-19-2014 10:19 AM
Thoughts on Dating during Separation bettermarriage General Relationship Discussion 24 03-06-2014 01:43 PM
Thoughts on dating after 14 yrs of marriage FishKing General Relationship Discussion 2 11-22-2013 09:48 PM
Need men's thoughts on dating and sex Kimberley17 General Relationship Discussion 41 11-07-2013 03:35 PM
Online Dating: your thoughts uhaul4mybaggage General Relationship Discussion 35 01-15-2013 03:03 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome