Not sure what to do - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #16 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-23-2015, 12:00 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do

Talk to her about your concern regarding her schedule. It sounds like it's not about the work as much as the hours. A little about the daughter. But the daughter's discipline and the relationship can be worked on as you share evenings together since she seems to be aware/willing. However, the relationship between the two of you is important and having evenings together once it's time to move in together could be quite important.

Yes, enjoying her work is important. Having family and couple time is also important. Perhaps she can limit her hours to daytime and consolidate to one job. If she enjoys doing hair, is there an opportunity to do hair at a nursing home during day time hours or working for a salon renting a booth during daytime hours only?

Working on this together might just give you the confidence you need for this relationship to blossom or the assurance that it's not quite right no matter how nice it's been.



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post #17 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-23-2015, 12:35 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do

Never make life changing decisions out of fear.

On the one hand, if you move in together it may all go south, and you disrupt your kids' life again.

On the other hand, it could all go great and you guys end up married and a blended family.

If you don't like the latter option, don't do it. Because that's the end game.
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post #18 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 01:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do

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Originally Posted by EnjoliWoman View Post
Talk to her about your concern regarding her schedule. It sounds like it's not about the work as much as the hours. A little about the daughter. But the daughter's discipline and the relationship can be worked on as you share evenings together since she seems to be aware/willing. However, the relationship between the two of you is important and having evenings together once it's time to move in together could be quite important.

Yes, enjoying her work is important. Having family and couple time is also important. Perhaps she can limit her hours to daytime and consolidate to one job. If she enjoys doing hair, is there an opportunity to do hair at a nursing home during day time hours or working for a salon renting a booth during daytime hours only?

Working on this together might just give you the confidence you need for this relationship to blossom or the assurance that it's not quite right no matter how nice it's been.
This was part of our long conversation the other night, and you are correct...it's not the work but the hours. Unfortunately there isn't much we can do there because she needs money.
We are on the same page when it comes to two most important things, our relationship and kids. And we are also in the agreement about many other things. As of right now we are keeping things the way they are, but will keep talking about improving on every level. What and how is yet to be seen.
Both of us have been married before and didn't think we'd end up divorced, so we do understand that things, as well as people, change.
One other problem, which is minor right now is my ex wife. Since I've met my GF she has been very difficult to deal with and has taken me to court twice. First time she "won", but I didn't even try to fight her. Now again, I don't want to drag thru court and want to give her whatever she is asking for, which the court is going to give her anyways, but she wants to go to trial...There has been many last minute schedule changes which frustrated my GF because we had to change our plans. I feel that things with her might only get worse and I'm afraid it might impact my relationship. It's hard to establish clear boundaries because knowing her she will try to hurt me thru kids, and I can't allow that. At least not until they are a bit older. Luckily GF is very, very supportive, but seeing some of the stories on here how exes cause a lot of trouble in new relationships scares me a bit.

Thanks
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post #19 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 01:23 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do

Then the objective seems to be to continue as you are time-wise, improving the relationship in all areas and meanwhile she LOOKS for a job that she would both enjoy and would allow more time for the two of you as well as the whole family. NO need to make any drastic moves. It may take a year to find that. As long as things are moving along in a good way, stay in different households. If things are still good when she finds an opportunity that she will enjoy and has the hours that complement the family, perhaps then add more time and contemplate moving in. But this buys you more time to test compatibility and working through such issues as what you have encountered thus far.


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post #20 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 01:36 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do

I'm glad my divorce decree mandates mediation before taking things to court.
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post #21 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 02:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do

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I'm glad my divorce decree mandates mediation before taking things to court.
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Mine does too, but lawyers find their away around it.
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post #22 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 02:44 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do

How long are you going to let your ex-wife control your life?
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post #23 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 03:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do

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How long are you going to let your ex-wife control your life?
Why do you think she controls my life? She is making it difficult sometimes, not often...but it does not affect me...only my wallet.
Going to court is not something I can't ignore. And I've been there enough to know my rights are not same as hers.
If you can't post something useful or constructive why post anything at all?
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post #24 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 05:32 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do

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Why do you think she controls my life? She is making it difficult sometimes, not often...but it does not affect me...only my wallet.
Going to court is not something I can't ignore. And I've been there enough to know my rights are not same as hers.
If you can't post something useful or constructive why post anything at all?
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Here's the thing.

Your ex taking strips out of your wallet every time you do something she doesn't like is control. You don't think this has to do with you being in a relationship that is moving forward?

And who it really probably hurts is your kids.

Anything that hurts you financially ultimately hurts them.

Stop rolling over for your ex. Make a point of it.
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post #25 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 06:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do

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Your ex-wife seems like a piece of work. Why can't she just get on with her own life - instead of trying to crap all over your new one.
In her words she has never been happier, but I and everyone else sees different. Her BF of 2 1/2 yrs is very controlling and her lifestyle changed drastically since he moved in with her. No friends, no vacations...
Or it could be that she is jealous of my GF who is few years younger and absolutely stunning (my ex is pretty too).
I doesn't really matter.

Quote:
You realize the "last minute schedule changes" are no accident, right?
Yes I do. She promises the kids she'll take them somewhere or buy them something before she talks to me and I can't say no, because I don't want my boys to think I am not letting them have fun with mom. Even though half the time they just end up doing nothing.

Quote:
She wants (and is going to get??) more money from you? Why? And why do you have to accept it?
First time she went to get half of my 401K which was not part of our final divorce decree. Judge gave her 30%.
Second time she filed to have me held in contempt of court over stupid sh**. Court dismissed it, but I still had to pay my lawyer.
Now she wants more child support. I pay 20% instead of state minimum of 28%. We agreed on 20% because I have kids 45% of the time. Most likely she will get it.

Quote:
Yes, your new gf. is supportive; but if I was her, I'd be worried that your ex-wife will always be meddling in our life together.
Yes, but if you were her would you let go of a perfect man?


Last edited by GettingBetter; 06-24-2015 at 06:50 PM.
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post #26 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 06:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do

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Here's the thing.

Your ex taking strips out of your wallet every time you do something she doesn't like is control. You don't think this has to do with you being in a relationship that is moving forward?

And who it really probably hurts is your kids.

Anything that hurts you financially ultimately hurts them.

Stop rolling over for your ex. Make a point of it.
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I did try to make a point and ended up paying thousands to her and my attorney. Family court system is not very sympathetic towards men.
I welcome any suggestions you might have.
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post #27 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 09:16 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do

She can promise the kids all she wants. That shouldn't change what YOU do, or what you allow.

You are responsible for your relationship with the kids, not her relationship with them. She's clearly manipulating you and you let her. It's not your job to keep her promises. It's your job to give the kids structure. That means sticking to the schedule.

If you cave on those small things, she'll get more and more bold.
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post #28 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2015, 10:09 AM
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Re: Not sure what to do

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I did try to make a point and ended up paying thousands to her and my attorney. Family court system is not very sympathetic towards men.
I welcome any suggestions you might have.
The more you roll over, the more she'll come at you.

Either put up your dukes, or take some shots of your own.

If not, they'll keep coming.
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post #29 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2015, 10:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Not sure what to do

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The more you roll over, the more she'll come at you.

Either put up your dukes, or take some shots of your own.

If not, they'll keep coming.
So you suggest I do the same as she does? To stoop down to her level? No thanks.
This too shall pass.
My ultimate goal is to have somewhat healthy co-parenting relationship with her, maybe not any time soon...but by adding more fuel to the fire and making the situation even worse I'd be farther away from my goal.
I'm going Gandhi on her a**.

Last edited by GettingBetter; 06-25-2015 at 11:56 AM.
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post #30 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2015, 01:01 PM
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Re: Not sure what to do

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So you suggest I do the same as she does? To stoop down to her level? No thanks.
This too shall pass.
My ultimate goal is to have somewhat healthy co-parenting relationship with her, maybe not any time soon...but by adding more fuel to the fire and making the situation even worse I'd be farther away from my goal.
I'm going Gandhi on her a**.
It's not going to work.

Gandhi succeeded because he had millions of people on his side, not because he turned the other cheek. I've been at his grave, I've done that whole deal. There is shrewd politician there, not just a pacifist.

In my book a pacifist is someone that can fight and chooses not to, not someone that can't fight at all.

A healthy co-parenting situation is not your wife's goal. If it was, she'd be happy you were providing a stable living arrangement for her children and moving on with your life.

That's not what she is doing.

Talk to a lawyer. Create a long-term plan. And take some shots of your own.
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