Dear friends, hello again. Its been a while since I posted anything here, but I have been a regular lurker.
So I find myself in a bit of a situation where I need some sense knocked into me...or a good 2x4 kick.
A year ago I met a woman who almost knocked me off my feet. I say almost, because if I wasn’t so cynical and afraid she probably would have succeed in doing so. This was two years after my divorce (met her on the same date I filed). She is a single mother and had a very similar situation to mine. Very similar thinking and has old school values. We instantly clicked, but took things slowly.
I saw a potential in this relationship, unlike any relationship I had before. She is a wonderful and caring person.
So here we are, a year later…I still have trust issues and am somewhat less cynical than year ago. Probably because I know things could and any day so I am protecting my heart. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
I introduced my boys to her after about 8 months of dating and she did the same with her daughter. Boys (7&9) really like her and love playing with her daughter, who is the same age as my younger one. Her daughter likes me and I really like her (too early to say I love her), but I feel she is overly attached to her mom who lets her get away with anything. I told her this and she agreed with me, so now she is trying to change things a bit. But I don’t want her to do it for me, if you know what I mean.
Anyhow, we both enjoy spending time together which is twice or three times a week and have very similar interests and outlook towards life. About a month ago we started having overnights with kids included, but we never slept in the same bed. Still taking things slowly a bit but very steady.
One thing that bothers me, and I told her this is that she is 35 and does not have a steady career. She came to US when she was 20 and worked different jobs. From bartending to working in a beauty salon. Right now she works in a nice restaurant four nights a week and during the day works in her own beauty salon (converted bedroom). She is a hard worker, and her ex finally started contributing towards the child expenses.
I have a good stable job making decent money. 20% of my paycheck goes to my ex who just went to court and is asking for more, which she will likely get. If she does that is going to put quite a stretch on my finances, so girlfriend and I talked about moving in together. She is very excited about this. In one hand I am too, because it will take a lot of financial burdens and stress from both of us trying to manage bills. But in the other hand I feel if we do so the relationship will change and I am afraid it will be harder. Yeah, I know it's supposed to be hard. So I am still undecided. By moving in together I would be 3-4 miles away from the boys (right now 12). I will have more money to spend on them and enjoy doing fun things together. But I am afraid that things between us two might change for worse, and I don’t know why. I am afraid that on evenings she is working and I am alone with her daughter that I would not know how to discipline her if needed. I am afraid that my social life would suffer (and I have no reason to believe it would). And it just might be that I am afraid of getting close to someone again and getting hurt.
All my friends say that I am much happier when I am with her. The relationship is so much more refreshing than any I had before. We are both very open and respectful towards each other and we talk a lot about everything. But few times I thought about ending with stupid thinking that it would be better to end it now peacefully than later when things get more complicated. Yeah I know, it’s wrong to think that. But I just don’t know what I should do.
In hindsight I feel every decision I made in last three years was a right one, but some reason I think this one could cost me all the progress I made. Is this rational thinking? Any of you ever felt the same?
Friends asked me do I love her, I do, very much…but I don’t know if I am in love with her
. I don’t even know what being in love is supposed to feel like any more. I am afraid to let her go because I'd hate to regret it, but sometimes want to see if there is possibly something better out there. Greener grass syndrome maybe?
Do I just go ahead and do it and if it ends at least I would have learned something. But I feel people would end up hurt, including me and the kids.
Damn, I feel like a selfish ******* sometimes.
My next step is to talk to her about all this I wrote, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.
So dear TAM people...I am asking you for some help. Ask me questions I possibly failed to ask myself. Tell me things from your perspective. And I understand that decision is ultimately mine...but need help to come to it.