This is my first thread, but I am interested in gaining insight from all of you on just how long anger lasts once you know you are getting divorced?
My story was a fairytale for 14 years. I married my prince charming and had two beautiful daughters. We had a wonderful relationship and were close with both sides of our family. We were so blessed that both sets of our parents are still alive and have been married 51 and 48 years respectively. I thought those were fairly good indicators for us. he would surprise me with many trips and gifts and spend quality time with both sides of the family. He was a strong, Christian man.
Then my STBXH turned 40 and began to have issues with his image and struggled with anxiety. After several trips to emergency rooms and specialists it was determined he was in great health, just a little high blood pressure and needing to lose about 10-20 pounds. No big deal, right? Well, then spinning happened. He spent thousands of dollars on bikes, shoes, clothing, etc...He became obsessed with it and the small group at a local workout facility. They were all inseperable. Then came the town ***** (she was part of this group) and she swept him off his feet and he couldn't resist her charms. He carried on an affair for two months (so he says) until he told me on the night of our 14 year anniversary. I took him back bc he said he wanted to fix it and make the marrige work. I caught them in public two times after that and still took him back because I believed in our marriage. A year later I received pictures in the mail of them on vacation (which my daughter witnessed me opening much to my horror) and that was it. I became this whole other person....nasty, bitter and angry. It's almost a year later and finally we are getting dissoultion. He had up to that point refused to sign the papers. He never has taken the girls one time since he has been gone (except out to movie or dinner). He has no contact with his siblings or parents. I still am close with them and they are very supportive.
I want the anger to subside so that I can begin to heal completely. How long will this last? My therapist says it could take years....it's been two years, isn't that long enough?
I am anxious to see what the rest of my life holds. thoughts and advice please....I am sick of being lonely. I miss companionship.
It's going to take some time to heal from such a betrayal. I think the anger is good because it's part of the grieving process. In time, those feelings will fade a little by little til one day you look up and realize life does go on. You were well to do rid of him.
Ya know, I struggled with "anger" and wanted to feel angry and yet I couldn't for some reason. hated that. I always wished I could feel total wrath. And I felt like something was wrong with me cause ANGER wasn't something I felt a lot. More sadness than anything else.
So in a way I am jealous of anyone who can feel angry during a divorce. LOL. I know taht sounds weird but it's true
The anger I felt at first was akin to a geyser that continually spewed forth with renewed fervor. There seemed to be no end to its source. Merely seeing a photo of H could bring forth such a torrent of angry expletives and light the shortest fuse with the weakest spark. In my son's house is a frame containing photos I had taken during one of our parties and one photo is of H. My first inclination was to utterly destroy that picture, shred it into the minutest shards of paper. But I didn't, after all it belongs to my son and that picture is his father.
Lately though, my feelings of anger are slowly turning to indifference. Some well intentioned people have told me that I need to hold onto that anger, that stoking it and keeping it going will help me through this trial that some saw fit to put me through. I have to disagree, I don't have the energy to spare to keep it going, there are better and more productive uses.
Only you will know when the anger is gone. There is not a "best used by" or expiration date on it. One day you simply won't feel it anymore.
I don't know when. I think men and women experience anger differently. How much energy do you want to waste hoping in your heart you don't show anyone, that your husband will see how angry you ARE, even though you realize he will never understand it the way you do, the way you turn it over in your mind all day?
__________________ The day that Elvis died was like a mercy killing/America breathed a sigh of relief/We knew all about the drugs and the Vegas shows/And there wasn't much of anything that looked like grief
It will take as long as it needs to. You wouldn't ask that question of a death...yet this is the death of a relationship. Let the feelings out...feel the feelings...they will not last forever. If you bury them ,they will reappear later. I was very angry at my ex because he ignored our children and at the same time I was so sad for them. But I could not change my ex so we learned to live without him. I kept myself busy with my job and my children and had no time to be lonely. Stay in touch with friends and family and things will work out as they should.
Thank you all for your replies. I do have wonderful friends and family support. Without that; we wouldn't have made it this far. I still miss him, especially at night when the kids are asleep and I am alone. Each day seems to get easier.
Carol, I too am very angry because he was such a wonderful father to the girls and now it's all about him and the OW. He sees her children and grandchild more than his own. This is what hurts just as bad as his lying and cheating. I agree that keeping busy does help take the pain away.
RLD, I agree that I shouldn't put that much effort into being angry. You're right, I don't have that kind of energy to spare.
thanks again for the help. It's nice to know someone understands.
Blacksand: I do believe what you say is true about holding onto anger only give the person the wronged you power. It is however, part of grieving process which I know to be part of losing something, whether it is a marriage or to death. In a book I read, it said that divorce and losing a spouse to infedility is only second in grieving to the loss of a one's parent. Since both of my parents are still alive, I will have to assme this is true. The pain is great but you are correct, what I do with it is the only thing I can control. Thanks for the encouragement.