Sparkles422

and it will be over.

How do I feel? Well, not so good but this is what I have been working toward, that and through the feelings.

I woke up this morning and I was thinking, of course, of how I had caught glances from stbxh that weren't friendly, how the marriage was dead 5 years ago, how I was dead inside. That does help me see that this is the right thing to do but it doesn't make it easier because of that.

I know a lot of it is fear. Fear of a new life, fear of being alone, no job, no income, new town and on and on...

I asked a friend to come with me at 8:30 tomorrow. I don't know what condition I will be in but I don't think doing it alone would be the way to go. I have isolated all these years and I don't want that life anymore.

It has been such a strange time for me. Constant mixed signals (until I figured out it was him not me), words in direct opposition to actions. Deliberately being mean, then civil, then kind etc...

Please keep me in your prayers. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done without rebounding or stuffing my feelings.

reindeer

Sparkles, I hope your friend will go wth you. It is such a shame you have to go to court, we don't where I live if it is straight forward. I will think about you. I guess our time is different, but I will keep you in my thoughts in waking hours. It is difficult, but you know in your heart you are making the right choice, so see it through. Hope it is as good as it can be. do something with your friend afterwards if you can.

52flower

Sparkles, I understand your apprehension. I am glad you have a friend to accompany you; I was alone. For me, I was surprised that I did not have as much emotion as I thought I would. The emotion came after, when I had time alone to think about where we were and how it seemed so senseless. I have followed your story and you seem like a caring person with a strong character. My feeling about you is that you will recover well and will be on your way to a new life quickly. I'll think positive thoughts all day for you. Let us know how you are doing. Hang in there!

Jellybeans

Hey Sparkle. Keep your head up. Go in there with your game face on and be totally unemotional. Think of it (hard as it is) as ending a contract. You need to show up for what you were called for and listen to the judge and that will be that. Do not cry or beg. It will make you look weak.

If you need your friend to go with you, great. If not, it's just as well. I went alone because I thought it was such a private thing that outsiders should not be involved in.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

Sparkles422

Thanks gang: My stbxh is sitting on the lanai with an old business friend and I was hoping that maybe he would reconsider.

Oh my God, I can't believe I am still hoping.

It just isn't going to happen and I have to stop that wishing, it only adds to the pain.

I smile at his friend but they're so involved in reminiscing that they don't notice me really. I don't know whether the friend knows or not.

Yes, I will go there tomorrow and it will be legally finished but it was finished back in March when he didn't want MC or reconciliation.

My heart hurts but not as much and so that is progress.

Again, I really appreciate the feedback. I was feeling lonely and in need of support.

52flower

It was bittersweet for me. I also wanted him to do something to show he wanted to save our marriage, up until the night before. When he called that night, he was sad and medicating with alcohol. He asked me to please pull the papers and we would get back together. I asked him how he saw that happening. He did not have anything to offer other than eventually showing up. I realized he wanted me to do all of the work, all of the giving. It was easy to let the divorce happen after knowing for sure that he would not do what it would take to fix us. I still miss the good times we had but if your husband isn't willing to turn cartwheels for you, I fear you will be stuck in an unfair marriage. It's sad but you're worthy of someone who wants to make you feel important to him always & forever.

Sparkles422

Thank you all for your wonderful support.

Had talk with stbxh this evening (we got an offer on our house, yeah) and he pointed out that this was all my fault.

That's fine. I owned what was my fault and he admitted he had faults so I asked, and what are those.. he said he is too sensitive, that's all he could come up with. That's is both comical and sad.

Anyway, I am feeling much better. I am ready for tomorrow because that talk convinced me more than anything else that this divorce was meant to be on top of the offer for the house (been on market for 5 years) tells me that I am not doing my will but God's. This coincidence is too perfect to be called a coincidence.

And now the hunt for a job, a career, a new place to live is on my priority list. This relationship begins to fade.

jpc

I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I haven't followed your story but your post really rang true with me. I will have my day in court next month and have spent a lot of time thinking about how it will be. You are not alone.
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Jellybeans

You're right. It is both comical and sad. The fact that he doesn't own anything and blames the entire divorce (that he chose) on you.

Go in there with your head held up high knowing you gave it your best. And be proud of the fact that you don't use a crap excuse like "It's all your fault" as for being the reason why you'd divorce someone.

Come back with a full report!