Sparkles, I am working on the topic of this post myself.
Ironically, instead of trying to AVOID mistreatment such as various forms of power-seeking and control in relationships, I am seeking out opportunities in which I am exposed to it from sources different than my husband.
WHAT? You say, why would you want to do that!!!!!!
Practice, my dear.
I went to a different ballroom dance place last night than I usually go to and it was great, but not the way you'd expect. My intent was to deal with all the various forms of mistreatment, because I would find myself being manhandled in various ways on the dance floor. I'm a beginner at dance, and this works TO MY ADVANTAGE for my purposes in this experiential training for me. Because, it puts me in a position where I have to either put up with being manipulated or to find another source of personal power to put a stop to it. I can't do it by engaging in the dance and trying to keep up or side stepping. I'm stuck. Well, I was NOT disappointed. Before the dance I asked an acquaintance, soooo, what can I do when I am being manhandled or find myself in an embrace I don't want to be in, that is disguised as 'instruction' which I didn't ask for? (A decent dance partner will dance to his partner's level and be very kind about offering instruction and then only introduce one or two fun moves that can be practiced...they will stop and explain and take you to a safe corner...etc. No SURPRISES, and always a CHOICE to stop.) Hmmmm, okay, I got a winner to practice with. I was able to neutralize him by holding onto his hands after a dance...in the middle of the floor, and to tell him, I am a beginner. I need to stick mostly to beginner moves BUT I like to learn new moves. In the future, when we dance, things will go better for me if you limit instruction to one new move that can be practiced. Otherwise, I will be overwhelmed and that is not enjoyable for me. I also found that a guy who followed all the rules and was an absolutely FANTASTIC dancer, was not enjoyable as he could have been, because he was commenting all the time on dancing and frame and improving things and whatnot. That's a different situation...at some point I will have to tell this guy, for one dance, let's stick to what I know already and just DANCE. I am smart enough to figure out that he is afraid to relate to the ladies with anything other than dance. It's a fine barrier, but it's still a barrier to dancing, and in that respect, manhandled. I discovered something very sweet. The guy who was able to teach me the most while letting me enjoy dance, we a short guy with a pot belly I could barely hear, with a nice smile...who was extremely stable with dance, sized up my abilities, probably WATCHED ME while I was dancing with other guys who could not get me through an underhand turn with a basic waltz...and then accomplished this feat (the waltz and I are not friends at all) effortlessly. Also cha cha, rhumba. The guy is a shaman, I am sure of it. I will certainly seek him out in the future at dances. It is not a romantic or sexual thing. It is an understanding of where someone's power source comes from. Yours and others. The best way to tell when someone else is not abusing power for control, is to examine whether you feel the need to exert power or control. The ONLY WAY you can do this, is to put yourself in situations where you will FEEL EMOTIONAL PAIN AND CONFUSION and be forced to deal with it.
It doesn't have to be dance, it could be something else...have you thought about doing temp work through an agency? I did this for about half a year in Washington DC area and got some really odd assignments that were challenging in many different ways.
The idea is to learn to filter out the laughing and bantering and whatever else is going on (dance, work...) to get to the basic heart of the matter which is the different ways people will disarm or blindside or manipulative you into a corner or metaphorical dark alleyway. This takes practice.
Go where the sharks swim. Try a bookstore or a music shop. Usually there are things in there that bite. You could also try speed-dating, not to get a date, but just to be exposed to how people portray themselves in the best positive light when only given so much time.
The one person I did meet last evening who I enjoyed the company of, I told as soon as possible that I was married, and although heading for divorce and in fact moving out, I was still married, and only there for the dancing. He had pointed out to me while we were sitting relaxing on the sidelines together, that I had a 'fan' who'd been seeking me out and he thought it was for more than dancing. With this guy, there was no need to practice dealing with manipulation, it was a good way to practice not being a manipulator and to manage to send a clear message out of kindness, not out of personal need (except to be kind and respectful). I also demonstrated awareness when someone he was interested in approached him, I excused myself to get some water so that my seat would be free.
Anyway, I do understand it. Avoidance is not an option, even when you leave a marriage you still have to deal with the kinds of behaviour you are leaving, if not from ex (and it doesn't seem like he will go away) then from others too. It is just that your ex is overwhelming and you have developed an insensitivity to how you react to his maneuverings. So it is better to seek out other sources of the same thing and to develop methods of dealing. I have even tinkered with the idea of suggesting to my stbxh that he take dance lessons, if he ever wants to talk to me or have a relationship with me, it will be somewhere I am used to dealing with that kind of behavior. I think he lacks the courage to do it though.