You know, I have seen many threads, or at least they are the most rememberable, of what we miss about our marriages or our spouses - the family time, maybe it was the cooking, the health benefits. Maybe it was the sex. I saw one woman lament she missed her husband's bug smashing abilities, lol.
I think sentimentality is healthy to a great degree and I miss a lot of things.
But. . .besdies the fighting and the bickering (which is obvious), what don't you miss?
I was dropping off my kids though at our old McMansion I like to call it. (there is debate as to what constitutes a McMansion and what doesn't)
I drove away not missing that one bit. Yeah, I maybe miss the "home" it provided to a certain degree, but the $9000/year NJ state tax payments, the $400 air conditioning in summer bills, the maintenance, the improvements, the cleaning. . .I drove away and sighed,
"Good $!!#ing riddance to that."
I am glad her and her father are keeping up that house financially and energy-wise and not me any longer.
Never again will I be a slave to a house. I am trying to get it out of my head that marriage = House slavery.
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And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.
1) His unpredictable selfishness & greediness without boundaries.
2) The lying & not being forthright in order to get what HE wanted.
3) Lack of respect & empathy for others.
Other than that we had fun times & we might have had a good chance together!!
1. Don't miss checking in...I get to do things on the fly whenever I want and I love it.
2. Meeting half way when he never wanted to do anything and I wanted to met up with friends, do dinner etc and he'd say he was tired.
3. I don't miss giving 110% and not getting the same in return
I do not miss having to deal with his sons' mother.
She did everything and anything she could to be as difficult as humanely possible. Posted via Mobile Device
I don't miss my ex wife, I think I was actually relieved when I found out she had a boyfriend and wanted a divorce, how sad is that? The daily drama, the lies, the deceit, the lack of dependability, good god that was a miserable way to live, maybe I should send her new husband a thank you note.lol
I don't miss my ex wife, I think I was actually relieved when I found out she had a boyfriend and wanted a divorce, how sad is that? The daily drama, the lies, the deceit, the lack of dependability, good god that was a miserable way to live, maybe I should send her new husband a thank you note.lol
I understand. When I found out about her cheating I thought maybe its the wake up call I need to make my life right, even said (during my survival mode) that maybe its a blessing in disguise. At this point I would retract the part about the blessing though, it is a lot of damage to have to fix, but I am using this whole thing to make positive changes for myself. Its slow going though.
I really don't miss the lies, the knot in my stomach if he doesn't come home/work late/business travels that drives myself crazy knowing he is probably screwing around, the coldness of him towards me...gah I don't miss that at all! Yuck!
I do not miss the times when she gave me the silent treatment or when she would disapear just before I would go to work so she didn't have to hug me or tell me she loved me.
I do not miss her selfishness.
I do not miss her sleeping on the couch.
I do not miss her sleeping in bed but with her head at the foot of the bed. It was like she was saying..."I'm in bed with you, but I'm not really here with you".
I will never miss the plans made by her to go out. Despite the complete lack of household money, she would always make plans to go out and do stuff. Was I invited? Naw, it was always her friends.
Then, a day before that "event" was to happen, she would come up to me and give me that "so and so asked if I could go so and so", " do you mind?????"
AS if she really gave a shyt about what I said.
As if saying "Well, we really dont have the money for that" WOULDNT have started an argument, and then I would be blamed for being "controlling".
Being blamed for being controlling, when they show not self control or realistic intelligence towards a very dire situation, was something I will never miss.
...she would come up to me and give me that "so and so asked if I could go so and so", " do you mind?????"
Oh man, I shudder when I read this, this was a near daily event, and I would always say "ok I don't mind, go have fun".
It is so painful to realize that by "giving" her this I was only pushing her away, and it made me feel like such a failure. When I say "I don't mind" about some task she asked me to do, its not that I like it, its that it was my way of contributing, and in the end she never counted that for anything, it feels like I was totally used. I'm beginning to understand this all, and will not fall for that again, even though it is simply the way I was taught to treat people to express and receive love and appreciation - I used to just assume everyone thought the exact same way too.
By falling into that routine I harmed not only my relationship with her, but my own self-esteem because now I feel like the one that failed by not letting go of my responsibilities and just going out to party with my lover. But there has to be some sort of realistic boundaries, her spending was out of control, me going out meant having to arrange a babysitter (and I don't have many people in my life that I can call on for favors like this, which is yet another thing that helps make me feel like I'm failing in life) how the h3ll do you reel your W back in when she has grown so accustomed to that lifestyle? And feeling tethered to the home, left taking care of our child all the time, making my son feel like an obligation like I'm stuck holding the bag. So much resentment that I'm in the process of letting go. We'll get there Shoo, just keep going man!
This topic got me to thinking back on my last marriage. There are things that I should have done differently. So yes, I am admitting that I had problems too, but this isn't about that. I am taking responsibility for myself and what I contributed (or didn't contribute), to our marriage. She suffered from PTSD from when she served in the military. She had also went through some stuff at a younger age that no one should have went through (I will not mention what).
So anyway, here is mine;
I will not miss those days where my wife just suddenly breaks down crying for no reason and asks me if everything is o.k. (But with that in mind, I should have been more mindful, caring and sympathetic towards her).
I will not miss her going off to secretly meet someone at some undisclosed place. (But once again, if I would have provided more sympathy and care towards my W, then she may not have gone to this stage).
The more that I try to think of what I DON'T miss, the more that I get to thinking on how much that I had contributed (or didn't contribute) to my marriage.
Oh man, I shudder when I read this, this was a near daily event, and I would always say "ok I don't mind, go have fun".
It is so painful to realize that by "giving" her this I was only pushing her away, and it made me feel like such a failure. When I say "I don't mind" about some task she asked me to do, its not that I like it, its that it was my way of contributing, and in the end she never counted that for anything, it feels like I was totally used. I'm beginning to understand this all, and will not fall for that again, even though it is simply the way I was taught to treat people to express and receive love and appreciation - I used to just assume everyone thought the exact same way too.
By falling into that routine I harmed not only my relationship with her, but my own self-esteem because now I feel like the one that failed by not letting go of my responsibilities and just going out to party with my lover. But there has to be some sort of realistic boundaries, her spending was out of control, me going out meant having to arrange a babysitter (and I don't have many people in my life that I can call on for favors like this, which is yet another thing that helps make me feel like I'm failing in life) how the h3ll do you reel your W back in when she has grown so accustomed to that lifestyle? And feeling tethered to the home, left taking care of our child all the time, making my son feel like an obligation like I'm stuck holding the bag. So much resentment that I'm in the process of letting go. We'll get there Shoo, just keep going man!
I think so too, Lon.
You know, when you are blamed for being controlling, as a tool used to get their way, you want to prove that you are not controlling, and conceed to whatever they want just to show them that their impression of you is wrong. Little did we know that it was simply a manipulative tool used by a dooshbag of a person to manipulate their spouse. How low is that? The fact that it IS so snake-like and belly to the ground, means that we dont have to take it as a failure of our own, but simply perhaps a misguided sense of trust in someone that deserved none of it.
It doesnt take a rocket scientist to have a realistic view when finances are in trouble. However, being blamed for a lack of romance and "never doing things together" when theres never any money around to "do" things, aside from their credit card funded parties, which leads to further future payouts and a lengthened amount of time to have to do without... Man, its a spiral that they have no idea about.
And the utter gall, to suggest that "we" had anything to do with this situation just proves how completely out of it these women were.
In my case, she never once accused me of being controlling, because we both realize it would have been completely ludicrous for her to make such an claim against me. I honestly don't even know how I would have put my foot down, we just avoided each other. Knowing our marriage was in a rut my instincts told me to keep going with the status quo, stay lightfooted on the accelerator pedal and maintain whatever traction we could until we got through to some dry earth, her instincts told her to abandon the vehicle. Now I feel like I have been getting somewhere but lost my partner and best friend along the way, and she is somewhere in the mud looking to hitch a ride from someone with a bigger truck.
What don't you miss? 
