Its over. Divorced dad - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-09-2015, 05:05 AM Thread Starter
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Its over. Divorced dad

Im just sharing....

Well, my divorce is final and will be lodged with the court early next year. Financial settlement is done, and child access agreement is in place. We mediated this all in a short period, with little conflict. I have agreed to let my wife and three children stay in our family home - despite the fact that its where all our equity is tied up. So I leave with no money, and most of my earnings going to maintenance. I feel this was best for my children.

I was married for 19 years together for 23. The divorce is my fault to a large extent. I ran up a gambling debt - and when confessed it was the final straw for my wife. The debt was 3000$.

But the truth is I let go of my relationship about 2 years ago. We have become so different over the years, and my wife placed more and more importance on money and we lived beyond our means because I was too "in love" with her to confront her.

We told our children on Sunday, and I have to be moved out by February. I have 3 daughter of 14, 13 and 8. 14 and 13 said they were not surprised as it was obvious we weren't getting along. 8 year old cried.

I feel relieved and scared. My marriage was tough. I had addiction issues (which i dealt with actively), my wife is a terrible communicator, and intimacy died.

We had so much parenting conflict. My wife spoils our children terribly - doing everything for them - removing all obstacles from their path. I'm more into the "let them journey and make mistakes" type. Im a firm believer we learn from making mistakes.
As a result Im the tough parent. My 14 year ld seemed somewhat delighted I was leaving the home. She already started asking if she needs to come to me on my weekends, even if she doesn't want to. That is worrying, especially as she has been playing up all year - suicide talk, cutting, psychiatrist, shrinks etc.

My wife blames all of my daughter issues on me - saying its genetic. (ive suffered and dealt with depression, and off course my addiction issues) Its quite funny really because my wifes sister was anorexic and her brother is a unrehabilitated drug addict. But its seems blaming me is a good way for her to deal with our daughter.

So my 2016 is going to be very different. Im going to focus on my business, try and find an indepedant space to have a relationship with each of my daughters, and get a handle on where I have ended up at 44.

Out with the old and in with the new.

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-09-2015, 05:36 AM
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Re: Its over. Divorced dad

Good luck with your new life. You should work on yourself and not get so hung up on what your wife is saying about you and whose fault is whos. You will both have to live with the consequences of the split and deal with it in your own way. I still see some blame shifting in what you wrote. Your wife had to deal with an addict who lied and no wonder she was worried about money, if you were gambling it away?? I would let all of that go, get therapy if necessary and become the best Dad you can be for your kids.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-09-2015, 05:40 AM
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Re: Its over. Divorced dad

So sorry you're here, but don't let go of your girls. As much as they push you away during the teen years is when they need their dad the most.

[B]FEAR=False Expectation About Reality -I will not live out of fear and any challenges I may face in my life is just an opportunity to learn about the person I'm choosing to become.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-09-2015, 06:17 AM
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Re: Its over. Divorced dad

As the others have said, focus on being a good dad and healing yourself.

From my own experience once I got out of the stress of a terrible marriage I became a much better father. During my marriage I was always stressed and frustrated, and with out even realizing it I (or we as a couple) was dropping some of anger on our children. My daughter was 16 and we had a very strained relationship, but within a short time we became very close, mostly because I could relax and focus on me and the kids.

Good luck, you may find things will work out much better than expected.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-09-2015, 06:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Its over. Divorced dad

@aine

Make no mistake the collapse of the marriage was partially my fault. And it doesnt really matter, as its over. In a strange way we are getting on better, as all resentment now and all the baggage are meaningless.

I intend to do exactly as you are suggesting. I sincerely believe my wife and I can retain a civil relationship in the interests of our children.

And it is tough being a dad of three girls as they enter teenagedom! Who stole my little girls! (Well one still thinks Im a hero!)But indeed, as they push me away, it is my job to remain present and available.

Thanks for responding
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-09-2015, 09:28 AM
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Re: Its over. Divorced dad

One year at a time, one month at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. All any of us can do is move forward.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-09-2015, 09:35 AM
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Re: Its over. Divorced dad

As my grandma used to say, "It was a hell of a party!!!" Good luck in your future! DUDE
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-09-2015, 09:55 AM
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Re: Its over. Divorced dad

You got divorced over $3,000?!?

Sorry man.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 03:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Its over. Divorced dad

@Betrayedad. We got divorced because the realtionship had died. If you read my other posts, I came here after discovering my wife having an EA. It was short lived, she ended it quickly, and was dealt with. It was indicative of the problems in our relationship. We did counselling for about a year, but communication was very little. I had suggested ending the marriage a few times, as I felt no progress was made. When I confessed my financial infidelity, I said we can divorce over this, or we can try another therapist, and make strong changes to our relationship dynamic. My wifes response was she wanted a divorce. So it came off the end of a a few years of struggling and trying.

The main reasons I wanted to end the marriage were:
Lack of communication
Different parenting values
Lack of intimacy
Financial incompatibility.

Mostly it was just becoming a very lonely marriage with a room mate I felt didnt really like me being around.

When we got married I never realised my wife expected me to take care of her. I thought we were feminists, with an understanding of independance and gender roles and how they feed patriarchy. As it turned out, my wife actually wanted a professional, well earning husband who could keep up an idyllic lifestyle for the children. Im not that guy. Im a hard working social entrepreneur who works as much for community development as for money.

So the $3000 gambling debt symbolized my dishonesty, and my addictive tendencies, but were not the sole cause.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 10:52 AM
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Re: Its over. Divorced dad

Quote:
Originally Posted by oddball View Post
I came here after discovering my wife having an EA. It was short lived, she ended it quickly, and was dealt with.....

Mostly it was just becoming a very lonely marriage with a room mate I felt didn't really like me being around.
She's been checked out a long time. You were wasting your time trying to make it work.


Quote:
Originally Posted by oddball View Post
When we got married I never realised my wife expected me to take care of her. I thought we were feminists, with an understanding of independance and gender roles and how they feed patriarchy.
MANY women are feminists until the check comes. Then miraculously they turn into traditional women.


Quote:
Originally Posted by oddball View Post
So the $3000 gambling debt symbolized my dishonesty, and my addictive tendencies, but were not the sole cause.
No it was the excuse she needed to bail because you wouldn't man up and end it yourself. She was done long ago but was too much of a coward to tell you.


“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-11-2015, 05:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Its over. Divorced dad

betrayedDad...I remember a conversation with a friend about a year ago. She asked about the marriage and if things were improving. I said nothing had changed, and that until I had the courage to take action, the status quo would remain.

I never had that courage I guess - but I sabotaged instead. Not my finest hour, but the result is for the best.
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