Men: Financial Limitations During New Single Life - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 121 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 11:14 AM Thread Starter
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Men: Financial Limitations During New Single Life

Sometimes I think how I would have spent my paycheck had I been single without any obligations. I picture a nice apartment, perhaps with a view, and although I don't understand overspending on cars, I'm sure I wouldn't be driving a Civic. Then a decent % would go on restaurants, bars, and vacations (miles accrued from work can go a long way for just two people). Obviously, when you're newly single but retain most of the financial obligations, things are going to be a lot more Spartan.

Divorced men of TAM, how did you find single women react to a middle-aged man with financial limitations despite everything else about him (physical shape, personality, social status, engaging career) being "dating material"?

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post #2 of 121 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 11:39 AM
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Re: Men: Financial Limitations During New Single Life

So far I have not seen it as an issue for them. More so for me. I am used to paying my own way. I was proud of my house and my property and the things that I possessed when I was married. During the divorce I liquidated much of my possessions and have very little remaining. I live in a nice enough apartment and drive a nice enough car, but I am not proud of what I have. But this doesn't seem to matter much to women. In fact one of the things that I have found is that many of the women I meet are fairly well established themselves. They are no longer looking for someone to take care of them or support the children. Instead they are looking for companions to share their life with. I get somewhat intimidated at times, because I am used to paying for everything, being the provider and taking care of my SO. But that is my problem with me, not their problem with me. Most women, while they aren't looking to be supported (although you will find plenty that still do, but I avoid them and so should you) don't want to be used either. So unless you don't have a means to support yourself, can't pay your own way, and in general become a leach to them, you should be fine.
As a post script, I would add, that post divorce I find budgeting my money is much easier. I buy what ever I want whenever I want it. I have been able to save more and have more than I ever was before. Eventually I will probably buy at least a condo but for the time being I enjoy the benefits of not having the chores of ownership.
In fact, seeing so many of these self-sufficient women out there leaves me more optimistic about the future. Should I happen to enter into a LTR relationship with one, I know that there will be financial benefits to me as well, as I will no longer be on the hook for two and be able to contribute more for a better experience, than just surviving as I felt I was doing when I was married.

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post #3 of 121 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 11:48 AM
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Re: Men: Financial Limitations During New Single Life

I'm a woman, but just agreeing with what @Ynot says. He speaks the truth, at least from my perspective.

If you truly love someone you want that person to have the freedom to become everything they seek. You want your partner to soar, not to imprison them. - Pluto2
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post #4 of 121 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 01:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men: Financial Limitations During New Single Life

Ynot, if you don't mind me asking: How were the assets split up? Did you retain any of your prior obligations? Are children involved?
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post #5 of 121 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 02:01 PM
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Re: Men: Financial Limitations During New Single Life

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Originally Posted by moco82 View Post
Divorced men of TAM, how did you find single women react to a middle-aged man with financial limitations despite everything else about him (physical shape, personality, social status, engaging career) being "dating material"?
Doesn't just about every adult have some financial limitations regardless of whether they are single, married, or recently divorced? I'm not really seeing what is different and how it would affect your dateability. Unless of course you're broke and living in your parent's basement...'cause that would suck!
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post #6 of 121 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 02:10 PM
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Re: Men: Financial Limitations During New Single Life

From the perspective of one female (I can only speak for myself.)

After my divorce I dated 4 guys. The men were divorced just as I was. Some had younger children, some not.

What we did was that we took turns asking the other out. The one who asked paid. (I hate going Dutch.) I like this arrangement because the asker can plan the date to be something that they could afford. What mattered to me was not how much money a guy spent but how much thought he put into the date.

For example a date to do the river walk and have a picnic basket with wine, cheese and crackers can be as romantic as it gets. Or finding the best hole-in-the wall taco/burrito place in town is fun too.

Now if the dates are all going to his place to watch tv because it's essential free... too much of that is not cool... no thought, no effort. And it speaks of the goal to have sex, not to spend special time together.

IMO, it's not the money that is spent that is the issue.

Last edited by EleGirl; 12-21-2015 at 03:16 PM.
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post #7 of 121 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 03:10 PM
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Re: Men: Financial Limitations During New Single Life

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Ynot, if you don't mind me asking: How were the assets split up? Did you retain any of your prior obligations? Are children involved?
No children, they had just flown the coop as my daughter had just finished college. I did spend four years paying out over a $1000 a month putting her thru school, with no help from my ex.
Admittedly I was very stupid going thru this process. I really imagined there was a possibility of reconciliation so I left a LOT on the table.
Basically the only shared debt was the mortgage. That was paid off when the house sold. We split the equity 50/50.
I took some furniture, she took some furniture. The rest we sold. We used that money to pay expenses involved with the break up - cleaning, dumpster, etc.
I had a car payment, that I kept along with the car. She had a furniture bill that she kept a long with the couch.
I had a business debt that I kept and paid off after the divorce.
She had a 401k with about $15,000 that I agreed not to include in the settlement. She also had a 1 year old paid in full car with about $20,000 in equity that I also left out of the settlement.
We were married for 24 years and had so few assets to argue about that it sort of made me sick to think of how little I actually had.
In the end I think we both walked away with about $12,500. No further obligations towards each other. No alimony and no child support.
I had a small savings account. I ended up giving her $1500 to get an apartment because she told me it was only temporary and I believed her. I took the remaining $2500 and spent it setting up my own apartment.
I later found out that she had spent all of the money that she was supposed to have been setting aside for our daughter's wedding.
So we split mine and our assets, she took her assets and we parted company. I kick myself sometimes for not exercising my legal rights and having her include the 401k and her car in the settlement. She would have ended up paying me money that was rightfully mine as she wouldn't have had either had I not been funding everything else. But at least now I can hold my head high and know that it won't be my fault when/if she ends up on the street due to her own financial stupidity. And my kids will never be able to say I didn't bend over backwards to try to make it work.
After she left, I closed my business. I took a job working for a client. I hated it. I made enough to pay my living expenses, but little else. So I left. Went back out on my own. I now make as I was making before. But have a much smaller foot print and enjoy spending my money as I see fit on what I want to spend it on.
Sorry for the rambling.

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post #8 of 121 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 03:12 PM
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Re: Men: Financial Limitations During New Single Life

I feel like I hit the lottery. My electric bill and food bill has dropped way more than half.

Its staggering now that I see what I was paying.

Im not loaded now but I have some breathing room with budget.
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post #9 of 121 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 09:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men: Financial Limitations During New Single Life

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Sorry for the rambling.
Not at all, thank you for the perspective.

My obligations will actually be voluntary. I have a young child whom I'm determined to support, beginning with keeping him in the same house.
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post #10 of 121 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 09:53 PM
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Re: Men: Financial Limitations During New Single Life

When I first got divorced, part of my criteria for my new partner was that he was self-sufficient without any help from me and I wanted to ensure there was never a chance I'd be on the hook financially to take care of anyone else but myself and my own children.

But other than that, I wasn't picky about how much someone had. Any woman that's worried about how much money you have is probably interested in having you support her and you need to avoid women like that like the plague.

My now husband is very well off but I always pay for my half of everything...even now that we're married. I'm not interested in taking financial advantage of anyone...certainly not my husband.

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post #11 of 121 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 09:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men: Financial Limitations During New Single Life

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Unless of course you're broke and living in your parent's basement...'cause that would suck!
Or with roommates or in a quite crappy studio.

Last edited by moco82; 12-21-2015 at 09:56 PM. Reason: Typo
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post #12 of 121 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 11:42 PM
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Re: Men: Financial Limitations During New Single Life

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When I first got divorced, part of my criteria for my new partner was that he was self-sufficient without any help from me and I wanted to ensure there was never a chance I'd be on the hook financially to take care of anyone else but myself and my own children.

But other than that, I wasn't picky about how much someone had. Any woman that's worried about how much money you have is probably interested in having you support her and you need to avoid women like that like the plague.

My now husband is very well off but I always pay for my half of everything...even now that we're married. I'm not interested in taking financial advantage of anyone...certainly not my husband.
A big generalisation there.

For casual dating I never cared what they earned but for a serious relationship it was/is very important that he be either a big earner and/or have a reasonable amount in assets.

Post divorce and at this stage in life one of the most important considerations for me was compatibility and financial compatibility is no less important than sexual, moral or any other issue.
Post divorce I would suggest people look for others that are in a similar situation, no matter which part of the scale you are on, low income to very high income/wealth then look for potential mates in the same financial category as you.
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post #13 of 121 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 11:55 PM
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Re: Men: Financial Limitations During New Single Life

You will find some women aren't concerned with money and others are. How many for sure I don't know. One nice thing about online dating is you can list your salary range so those looking for a payday and keep walking. I make a modest living and I have never had problems finding women. Only had two women, to my face anyway, admit that they were interested in me but wanted something more (money in other words). Never got upset by this I appreciated thier honesty
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post #14 of 121 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 09:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Men: Financial Limitations During New Single Life

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Only had two women, to my face anyway, admit that they were interested in me but wanted something more (money in other words). Never got upset by this I appreciated thier honesty
I think their face would betray it all when they see super-modest living quarters disproportionate to the salary range.
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post #15 of 121 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 09:06 AM
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Re: Men: Financial Limitations During New Single Life

I found that most women I was interested in were not materialistic. My financial burdens didn't bother them, and while they were a burden on me, I was fortunate to be better off financially than a majority of my peers.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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