Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Life After Divorce » Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?

Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 09-05-2011, 03:16 AM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Pullman WA
Posts: 346
Default Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?

So....I have been married and divorced twice. My first ex...definitely the bad boy type....my second, I really didn't think he was...but maybe, he really screwed me and my life up bad (massive financial issue, and extensive cheating).

Since my second divorce, I have dated a fair amount, and I have had two official "boyfriends". It seems as though what I say I want is not actually what I really want. I say I want the nice guy who is going to bend over backwards for me....the guy who is loving and kind and considerate. But the men I am attracted to are the ones who are non-commital, want some action without the attachment, expect a lot from me and give a little. What is wrong with me!? Am I so used to being treated bad that that is what I am looking for? Do I like to be controlled? Maybe I don't see a future with these guys so they are 'safe'?

I am so confused by my own self. Help anyone? Advice?

Thank you
__________________
One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
raising5boyz is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-06-2011, 07:33 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,684
Default Re: Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?

Have you looked at counseling to try to figure your confusion? Sometimes having someone you can bounce ideas off of, and who can ask the right questions can be a huge help.

C
Posted via Mobile Device
PBear is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-06-2011, 07:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 139
Default Re: Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?

Nice guys can seem a bit boring to someone who has a taste for the "bad". The hint of danger can be a rush and you can get addicted to it. You might want to take a break from "boys" for a while until you figure out what you really want. BTW, taming a bad boy is a great fantasy, just like in the bodice ripper romance novels but I think you have learned it doesn't translate into real life.
grizabella is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-06-2011, 12:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Pullman WA
Posts: 346
Default Re: Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?

Thank you for the reminder about counsling.....I have free counsling availale to me through my college so I need to get my tush in there!

A friend mentioned that maybe it was the taming of the bad boy thing....I guess that is a idea to explore. I have wondered if I am just used to it and thus it somehow feels more comfortable to me.

I have also looked back at the men in my life and have found that the mellow nice guys also seem to lack motivation and have little going on in there lives....coincidence? I don't know....maybe.

I think I like the idea of just taking a break from men in general....but find that difficult to do....

Thanks for the comments/advice.
__________________
One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
raising5boyz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-06-2011, 03:28 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Jellybeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 16,950
Default Re: Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?

Stay single for awhile then when you are ready to jump back in the game, date a guy you wouldn't normally go for (read: NOT a bad boy). Might surprise you.
Jellybeans is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-06-2011, 11:55 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Pullman WA
Posts: 346
Default Re: Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?

Jellybeans- I tried to search for "NOT a bad boy" but couldn't find it. Can you send me a link or something? I would like to read it.
__________________
One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
raising5boyz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-07-2011, 12:13 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Jellybeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 16,950
Default Re: Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?

Quote:
Originally Posted by raising5boyz View Post
Jellybeans- I tried to search for "NOT a bad boy" but couldn't find it. Can you send me a link or something? I would like to read it.
It's not a link or thread. I just meant that if you normally go for "bad boys"--try dating someone new in the future, someone who is not a "bad boy" or your normal type. See where it leads you.
Jellybeans is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-08-2011, 01:27 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Pullman WA
Posts: 346
Default Re: Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?

ha ha....oops for reading that wrong. I am willing to date men that are not my type...but I think at times they self eliminate due to feeling inferior or something like that...
__________________
One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
raising5boyz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-08-2011, 12:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Jellybeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 16,950
Default Re: Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?

Stop feeling inferior. Why do you feel that way? You deserve the best, not to settle. Don't forget it!
Jellybeans is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-08-2011, 01:08 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Shooboomafoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: In Texas
Posts: 1,139
Default Re: Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?

I am wondering if its logical to actually label anyone of particular, a "bad boy" or the opposite of one. I dont believe men are "one or the other", and its not a very enlightened viewpoint to have if searching for someone serious. Being attracted to that facade, is one thing, but what do you really end up with?

It seems contrary to the realistic nature of one man from another.
Is the attitude a facade looking to draw attention? Is he really a bad boy, having done time in federal prison, or an accountant with tattoos that enjoys his Harley and can shoot well.
Is he a man that acknowledges the importance of his role and support of a family, works his behind off to at least help in the provision for them, and is a positive influence on the children?
I think there is no such thing as a bad boy, nor is there the opposite.
These generalizations, or groupings going by looks or whats presented as who they are seems unhealthy to me.
__________________
His delay, is not a denial.
Shooboomafoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-08-2011, 02:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 5,829
Default Re: Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?

R5B,
This is truly a difficult challenge for a woman. There are very few "well behaved" bad boys.

Conrad, BBW, Athol K, Deejo.

Mostly there are bad boys who make crappy partners. And nice guys who are stable partners/good co-parents but a total turn off.


Quote:
Originally Posted by raising5boyz View Post
So....I have been married and divorced twice. My first ex...definitely the bad boy type....my second, I really didn't think he was...but maybe, he really screwed me and my life up bad (massive financial issue, and extensive cheating).

Since my second divorce, I have dated a fair amount, and I have had two official "boyfriends". It seems as though what I say I want is not actually what I really want. I say I want the nice guy who is going to bend over backwards for me....the guy who is loving and kind and considerate. But the men I am attracted to are the ones who are non-commital, want some action without the attachment, expect a lot from me and give a little. What is wrong with me!? Am I so used to being treated bad that that is what I am looking for? Do I like to be controlled? Maybe I don't see a future with these guys so they are 'safe'?

I am so confused by my own self. Help anyone? Advice?

Thank you
MEM11363 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-09-2011, 04:39 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Pullman WA
Posts: 346
Default Re: Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?

Shooboomafoo- It has little or nothing to do with the looks of a man. It is the attitude/personality I am speaking of. There is not a certain appearance I am particularly drawn to.

I know it is an unhealthy view/desire/attraction. Thus the reason I am here posting. I seem to be drawn to the men who are somewhat chauvanistic. The ones who get jealouse easily and are on the controlling side. Men who are a little more sexually agressive. Men who want their women to cook and clean and be at there beck and call. I tend to be cater to there demands. I have a few thoughts as to why I am the way I am....1) My mom is very subservient. 2)My dad is very controlling borderline abusive while I was growing up. 3) It make me feel good to be needed and for me to fulfill those needs. 4) I am used to it so therefore it feels comfortable to be in some odd self punnishing way? 5) Maybe I don't feel I deserve to be treated good by a man.

So there are some of my thoughts....I know they are messed up.....


MEM11363- I have to agree that the "good" ones are usually a turn off for a number of reasons. Maybe I just haven't found a good one that I am truly physically attracted to? Idk....so confusing.
__________________
One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
raising5boyz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-09-2011, 04:49 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Jellybeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 16,950
Default Re: Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?

Get into therapy to find out why you are attracted to that type of man. And not one who treats you as an equal and well.

Your parents' relationship may have something to do with it.
Jellybeans is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-09-2011, 10:36 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Blanca's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 4,042
Default Re: Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?

My older sister is also attracted to bad boys, which is so strange because she's constantly crying that all she wants is the nice white picket fence, soccer games with the kids, etc. She wants a little utopia but she ends up with dead beats.

Her issue is obvious to me since I grew up with her. She has an unresolved daddy issue from her childhood. She wants the kind of unconditional love one should get from a parent and confuses that with love in peer relationships. In addition, she also has a lot of issues and she knows that if she picks a screwed up guy he wont require her to change, and she wont feel obligated to change. She makes excuses for these bad guys because she needs to be able to make a lot of excuses for herself. In addition to that, loneliness is her biggest fear because it is akin to abandonment and bad guys are easy to get. Bad guys dont take commitment seriously so if you want them, you can have them. They're like pennies in a wishing well.
__________________
"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
Blanca is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-10-2011, 12:26 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Pullman WA
Posts: 346
Default Re: Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?

Wow Blanca....thank you. That was very insightfl and some of that could ring very true for me as well. I'm not sure if I really have any major issues, but I feel like I percieve that I am not good enough for any good man or at the very least that I don't deserve a good man.

I had many issues with my father growing up....

Lots to think about....thank you.
__________________
One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
raising5boyz is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Little boys & poop fatiguedfatherof4 The Family & Parenting Forums 13 06-28-2011 03:07 AM
Mommas boys? loveless25 The Family & Parenting Forums 1 02-09-2011 03:30 AM
Going out with the boys.. chris1 The Family & Parenting Forums 7 01-30-2011 09:55 AM
hey boys! new guy in town! buttnuget The Men's Clubhouse 0 09-29-2010 10:34 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:49 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage