Deal Breakers - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 10:03 AM Thread Starter
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Deal Breakers

Many times on OLD sites we have places to list our preferences. Some people prefer someone with children the same age as they, some only date within a 25 mile radius, and some have very small windows of age range. They are endless. Everyone has a right to have these. I have noticed on the ones I have used (pof, okc, match) there is not a deal breaker section.

I'm aware I prefer a female who enjoys watching / participating in sports but it would not be a deal breaker. What are your deal breakers? As in .... this would prevent you from accepting a 2nd date no matter how well other aspects went, or if it is uncovered before the 1st date, no 1st date occurs.

I will list three.

1-If she cheated in her M or LTR. What a mood killer.... yes my XH and I had problems so I went out and slept with other guys. I'm not that person any more........... Yeahhhhh, have to give kudos for being honest... most wouldn't.

2-Blatant lies. I understand there may be some things certain people care not to discuss early on. Maybe why her D occurred, relatives who are plain BSC / in jail / of very immoral character. But the basics..... I'm D (then find out she is only separated or in-house separation or still ummm "married), I have a child, he is 14..... what they forget to tell you is the ages of the other three children. Or I have no police record (outside minor violations) and when we meet, I recognize her..... when I sat in on the psychological evaluation for throwing a "Molotov Cawktail" into the home where her estranged H was..... with her kids.

3-Issues with alcohol / drugs. We all like a nice drink every now and then..... not daily! Or not three days a week where she does not just have a drink, she gets schit-hammered. Drugs are usually a no-brainer. Pot is cool but to be stoned daily..... no. If a quarter bag lasts her a quarter of a year.... no problem. Prescription drugs are touchy. I understand when someone takes a couple extra pain killers if they have a toothache from he!!. But when they do not take their medication for, say a week...and take a week's at one time.... they are one small step away from full blown addiction.


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #2 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 10:22 AM
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Re: Deal Breakers

Aside from obvious misrepresentations up front - such as claiming to be trim and athletic while packing an extra 50-75 pounds, pics that are 10 years old and/or any other upfront lies, I have very few deal breakers at the moment.

I do know that I do not want someone who does not take care of themselves ie slovenly, overweight, smokes, drinks themselves stupid or a couch potato. I do want someone who does take care of themselves, dresses well (that doesn't mean fashionable or expensively) and wants to be active and engaged.

I generally think deal breakers are all dependent on what kind of "deal" you are looking to strike. Currently I am not looking for any LTR so my deal breakers are very minimal (see above). I am looking to have fun, explore my own sexuality, see what is available and basically test drive life for awhile. So it really doesn't matter to me what her past history is or what she may or may not have done in the past. I am open and upfront about what I want. If she is agreeable, I may choose to go forward, I may not.

Some personality types just irritate me, so I would probably pass. But I wouldn't know until I run across it after a few dates. As far as I am concerned, at this point, the universe has provided me with an unlimited abundance of choices. I will pick and choose at my leisure and explore what interests me.

As I move forward, I am sure I will start to narrow things down, but until then...

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post #3 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 10:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Deal Breakers

The best way to predict future behavior is by viewing their previous behavior.

Once someone is in the 29-34 range they start getting set in their ways....

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #4 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 10:31 AM
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Re: Deal Breakers

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Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
The best way to predict future behavior is by viewing their previous behavior.

Once someone is in the 29-34 range they start getting set in their ways....
Perhaps, and sometimes those ways can work to your benefit. It depends on what you are looking for. I am not looking for the mother of my children, all that virtuousness and being demure does not appeal to me at this point in my life.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #5 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 10:47 AM
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Re: Deal Breakers

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The best way to predict future behavior is by viewing their previous behavior.

Once someone is in the 29-34 range they start getting set in their ways....
Yep. Always especially when dealing with a previous cheater
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post #6 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 11:06 AM
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Re: Deal Breakers

Deal breakers for Ol' Arb are:

1. Must be a certifiable Christian!
2. As a Christian, they must be open-minded to sex, not being ashamed or aversive of it, in both giving and receiving; but knowing that it is what God gave us to truly jell a marital relationship!
3. Must be intelligent and cognizant of world and local affairs!
4. Must love children and "old people" ~ as I am the later!
5. Must be fiscally conservative, but politically and socially centrist or liberal!
6. Must never have been a party to infidelity, albeit active or passive!
7. Honesty and forthrightness and someone who will kick my a$$ for me when I'm out of line, and vice-versa!
8. Cleanness and neatness!
9. Openly affectionate!
10. Must have, or would have been a stellar parent, to their kids!
11. No drugs or alcohol abuse of themselves or others!
12. Absolutely no tattoos or "body art!"
13. Physically fit ~ not heavy-set or obese!
14. Pictures submitted must be recent! If I want to see them in their high school cheerleader or drill-team uniform, I'll ask for it!

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"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 01-09-2016 at 12:21 PM.
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post #7 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 11:15 AM
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Re: Deal Breakers

Well, I haven't thought about my deal breakers. Before I met h, I dated a guy for a little under six months who was a commitment phobe. Many is the time that I've said, I didn't know what I wanted when I came out of that relationship, but I knew what I didn't want, and that was someone who was averse to commitment.

So I don't want my "deal breakers" to be something anti-h. There were qualities and characteristics he had that I liked, including being able to debate politics and from his years in the military, share his view of the status of things in contracting and the military and how they needed to be addressed. In other words, he was smart, and he was fun to talk to.

I do think I'd want someone with recreational interests more in line with my own. When h hooked up with OW, they spent a lot of time on the lake, fishing, camping, but he never invited me to do that, so if that was an interest of his, it was a latent one, or one he developed because of her. I like going to movies and concerts and ballet and theater and opera and museums, so I'd want to share that with someone, I think. But it wouldn't be necessary. What would be important, I think, would be a real and authentic sense of what that person likes to do recreationally.

Anyway, I haven't thought about it because I'm not interested in dating, and really wary of OLD sites. But my divorce is recent, and a desire to mingle could arise at any time! So I guess I'll think about those things when the time comes. But I'm pretty sure I'll be more deliberate about it. Deep down I have a feeling I fell for h before I knew a lot of important info about him, because I was in the "love will conquer, or allow for compromise in, all" fog. Not making THAT mistake again!

Last edited by TeddieG; 01-09-2016 at 12:29 PM.
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post #8 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 11:18 AM
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Re: Deal Breakers

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Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
Deal breakers for Ol' Arb are:

1. Must be a Christian !not a wolf in sheep skin but one who really believes and lives like one

2. As a Christian, they must be open-minded to sex . sex is important but no anal

3. Must be intelligent !

4. Must love children

6. Must never have been a party to infidelity, albeit active or passive!

7. Honesty and forthrightness

8. Cleanness and neatness!

9. Openly Affectionate!

10. Must have, or would have been a stellar parent, to their kids!

11. No drugs or alcohol abuse of themselves or others!

Posted via Mobile Device
no tattoos , no smoking , no porn , no money issues , no violence .

sporty , healthy , financially capable to afford me ( I am not high maintenance but I am not cheap either , I am independent anyway nut just feel good if my husband provides for me . )

ok . I guess i will stay single .

puffertoxin
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post #9 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Deal Breakers

Quote:
Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
Deal breakers for Ol' Arb are:

1. Must be a certifiable Christian!
2. As a Christian, they must be open-minded to sex, not being ashamed or aversive of it, in both giving and receiving; but knowing that it is what God gave us to truly jell a marital relationship!
3. Must be intelligent and cognizant of world and local affairs!
4. Must love children and "old people" ~ as I am the later!
5. Must be fiscally conservative, but politically and socially centrist or liberal!
6. Must never have been a party to infidelity, albeit active or passive!
7. Honesty and forthrightness and someone who will kick my a$$ for me when I'm out of line, and vice-versa!
8. Cleanness and neatness!
9. Openly Affectionate!
10. Must have, or would have been a stellar parent, to their kids!
11. No drugs or alcohol abuse of themselves or others!

Posted via Mobile Device

Being the word-smith you are (I have quoted you as such in the past), allow me to ask......

1-If one is a believer in God.... but can carve up "organized religion" like a knife through butter.... how would that sit with you?

3-No question..... just find this hard to locate in my area. Now if it was FB or smart phone apps, they're all in *eyeroll*

5-You're laughing at the Tea Party too LOL

7-That was my #4 LOL ..... seriously.... this is needed in any healthy LTR

I want to ask you.... being an old fart and me being old indigestion and nearing an old fart myself..... how to you view females who seem to be encapsulated with social media?

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
Chuck71 is online now  
post #10 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 11:33 AM
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Re: Deal Breakers

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Originally Posted by tripad View Post
no tattoos , no smoking , no porn , no money issues , no violence .

sporty , healthy , financially capable to afford me ( I am not high maintenance but I am not cheap either , I am independent anyway nut just feel good if my husband provides for me . )

ok . I guess i will stay single .
@tripad ~ I agree wholeheartedly with your suggestions highlighted in red!

Forgot the "tatts!" They are a definite "no-no" in my book!

Money is a subject matter of concern because an inordinate love of it usually always supersedes love of a spouse or family! As a Christian, I feel that when our Creator interviews us all at our near-arrival in the heavenly domain, the only question about it that He will query will be, "Exactly what did you do with your excess funds to either support "the poor and needy" or "the Church?"

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"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 01-09-2016 at 11:47 AM.
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post #11 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 11:45 AM
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Re: Deal Breakers

When I was on Match, then e-Harmoney (where I met my husband) my "wants" were he had to have a really good sense of humor, be smart and able to spell. Be fiscally responsible and not a great party goer who needs an audience every weekend to feel fulfilled. I wanted someone who would be comfortable sometimes just sitting together reading a book or watching the sun go down. He had to be a boater. Someone masculine and comfortable in his own skin, but yet not afraid to show his soft side. I also wanted someone compatible sexually, although wasn't sure exactly what that meant seeing I hadn't had ANY in 6 years, lol.

Deal breakers would have been being unemployed, would have never considered a cheater or someone who couldn't explain plainly the "why's and how's" of his divorce. I also wouldn't date widows. Drug/alcohol abuse was also big deal breaker. Another important deal breaker was I had to immediately have a physical attraction by the end of the first coffee date. Am not one to believe that physical attraction 'grows' on you.

I got it all and much much more in my husband. He told me he was going marry me the first week (I laughed at him then, didn't see any reason to marry since we were both too old to have children). I changed my mind when he came down with cancer. It is difficult when 2 people start co-mingling assets and talking about possible end of life scenarios really puts things in perspective. He is fine now and I am so glad I married him, he is my soul mate and always will be.
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post #12 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 12:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Deal Breakers

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sun Catcher View Post
When I was on Match, then e-Harmoney (where I met my husband) my "wants" were he had to have a really good sense of humor, be smart and able to spell. Be fiscally responsible and not a great party goer who needs an audience every weekend to feel fulfilled. I wanted someone who would be comfortable sometimes just sitting together reading a book or watching the sun go down. He had to be a boater. Someone masculine and comfortable in his own skin, but yet not afraid to show his soft side. I also wanted someone compatible sexually, although wasn't sure exactly what that meant seeing I hadn't had ANY in 6 years, lol.

Deal breakers would have been being unemployed, would have never considered a cheater or someone who couldn't explain plainly the "why's and how's" of his divorce. I also wouldn't date widows. Drug/alcohol abuse was also big deal breaker. Another important deal breaker was I had to immediately have a physical attraction by the end of the first coffee date. Am not one to believe that physical attraction 'grows' on you.

I got it all and much much more in my husband. He told me he was going marry me the first week (I laughed at him then, didn't see any reason to marry since we were both too old to have children). I changed my mind when he came down with cancer. It is difficult when 2 people start co-mingling assets and talking about possible end of life scenarios really puts things in perspective. He is fine now and I am so glad I married him, he is my soul mate and always will be.

Not sure how you break up posts so...... Do you have a younger sister by chance? LOL

Neither have I and it's not touched on much. Per my three book trilogy, the ghost of a dead female haunts a couple for years. The guy dated the girl, broke up, she died when he was dating the next girl.

So sorry to hear that. Cancer claims more people in my family than the Publisher's Clearing House.......

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #13 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 12:09 PM
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Re: Deal Breakers

@Sun Catcher, curious, why no widows. I have several friends who are widowers. They say they run up against this often, so what gives? OTOH, I have another friend dating a widow and he suggests everybody should look for one since they are not embittered by a divorce.

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post #14 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 12:10 PM
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Re: Deal Breakers

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
Being the word-smith you are (I have quoted you as such in the past), allow me to ask......

1-If one is a believer in God.... but can carve up "organized religion" like a knife through butter.... how would that sit with you?

3-No question..... just find this hard to locate in my area. Now if it was FB or smart phone apps, they're all in *eyeroll*

5-You're laughing at the Tea Party too LOL

7-That was my #4 LOL ..... seriously.... this is needed in any healthy LTR

I want to ask you.... being an old fart and me being old indigestion and nearing an old fart myself..... how to you view females who seem to be encapsulated with social media?
@Chuck71 ~
Regarding organized religion, I happen to be in a Church where there is little political or theological division, so if there is a lady out there who professes Christ, but at the same time, chastises "the Church," I feel I am most capable of offering up a cross-examination of those facts, that I can tell if she is indeed a Christian! You would be appalled at the sheer number of people who profess being a Christian but have no clue what "picking up their cross and following" really entails!

But if a lady truly is a Christian and at the same time "shuns" the Church, I can most definitely deal with it!

Regarding Tea Partiers, they all seem to rally around the cross, but if ever asked to volunteer at Church, or to even make tithes or weekly monetary offerings, they seem to be the last to ever comply! More often than not, they are the ones who fill up the Church pews only at Easter and Christmas. We just don't see them at any other time!

Regarding those media-encapsulated chicks, I can take'em or leave'em! Just don't have them come flailing at me telling me what all they've heard over the news media ~ more especially from over at Faux News or at MSNBC!

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"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 01-09-2016 at 05:14 PM.
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post #15 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 12:33 PM
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Re: Deal Breakers

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@Sun Catcher, curious, why no widows. I have several friends who are widowers. They say they run up against this often, so what gives? OTOH, I have another friend dating a widow and he suggests everybody should look for one since they are not embittered by a divorce.
I noticed this immediately, too, and I have seen this issue debated on lots of other forums. No one, especially someone like me who has been cheated on, wants to hook up with someone who lost a partner and idealizes them. I wasn't competing with the OW from the get-go, but I sure don't want to compete with the ghost of a person who is now nigh-on perfect because s/he is dead and is missed.

Now, I KNOW that sounds simplistic and overly-general, but seriously, I HAVE seen this issue all over the place. Just like I don't want my deal breakers or wish list to reflect anti-h POS tendencies, I don't want mine amplified by the memory of a saint.
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