Re: Ex-wife won't communicate on parenting.
Maybe your ex-wife simply wants to wait until you are actually offered the job before the two of you discuss a new schedule and how it would affect the children. Maybe there have been countless dialogues in the past about what you might want to do with your life and how the rest of the family might reorganize in deference to you. Maybe, for example, you wanted to be the dean of a college, or have a Baylor position as radiology technologist, or open a fasting clinic, or run a website, and those never became reality after hours and hours of wasted dialogue. Maybe we shouldn’t judge her for wanting to just wait to see if this is reality or just another scannerguard hypothesis.
And maybe your ex-wife is humiliated by having every comment she makes put through your self-righteous filter, exaggerated, spun for the most negative possible connotation, and then shared with family and friends and posted for public criticism and ridicule. Might that affect her willingness to communicate with you?
And maybe her interpretation of “communication,” as the communication director for a large health system, is that information be exchanged two ways. Perhaps cutting yourself off from auditory input, hearing what you want to hear rather than what she is actually saying, and telling her how things are going to be is not true communication, in her opinion.
How about opening a dialogue about what schedule might make life as easy as possible for the kids, so they don’t have the confusion of two different households, buses and schedules on school days and so they actually get to visit with you during your visitation? Or how about opening a dialogue about anything other than what you want and need?
In regards to “full disclosure,” consider that telling a woman BEFORE you marry her, buy a home and make three children that what you really want out of life is to live in a trailer, never have to “babysit,” not do anything fun with your family and not have the financial responsibility of supporting anyone or having to put any thought into caring for anyone, might fall under that category. Maybe she shouldn’t be punished for the rest of her life for wanting exactly the things she said she wanted when you married her, just because at some point you decided that family responsibilities infringe too much on your personal time and you didn’t feel that compromising any of your own wants was part of being a husband or father.
And maybe you could start a thread here to ask people’s opinions on whether a woman who thinks a 2400-square-foot-home on a 1/4 acre lot is a reasonable desire for two working adults with post-graduate educations and three children. Or do you folks agree with scannerguard that this woman, who works twice as much and makes twice as much as her ex, and receives $140 per week for three kids from her doctor ex-husband, is a hungry bear who lives in a mansion and still isn’t happy and had better stop being fed before she gets completely out of control?
And maybe your ex-wife DID know you were dating during the separation and was happy you were able to find what she didn’t couldn’t give you, so she didn’t feel the need to throw a hypocritical fit in court over the “third party” that was completely irrelevant anyway since the marriage was physically, emotionally and logistically over.
And maybe those of you on here who are passing judgment on someone for having a relationship before the ink was dry on the divorce, or before there was a legal separation, or before she fully disclosed her intentions, could consider that maybe, even though she’s non-religious and caustic, just maybe she has extremely high morals and only has sex with people she is in love with and people who love her, in thought and in action. Maybe her number is very low and her self-esteem is very high, whether or not she has the respect of her pure and morally superior ex.
And scanner, even though the “third party” was fat, maybe he was a bigger man than you in more ways than one. Maybe he actually enjoyed spending time with your children and looked forward to doing fun things with them and treated their mother like he was her #1 fan. Maybe she thought it would be positive to have the boys see how a man is supposed to treat a woman. But in any case, if you decided she was good enough to leave your children with while you pursued your freedom, maybe you shouldn’t really pass judgment on the decisions she made in your absence.
And maybe your ex wouldn’t have introduced the children to the “third party” before the divorce was final if you hadn’t dedicated every ounce of your energy to prolonging the divorce as long as possible and ensuring that she did not have any time without the children in which to develop a social life (which you now pity her for). Maybe you would rather she snuck men into the house after your children were asleep? And perhaps she doesn’t consider you reading through her e-mails and personal correspondence, and pumping the kids for information, as flaunting her relationship.
Maybe if your goal here is to have your ex and kids provided for by someone other than yourself, that you should have considered this objective before throwing up every barrier you could think of to prevent her from developing a relationship, while you secretly pursued your own, with “all the time in the world.”
Maybe if you could let yourself admit that your ex is a good person who loves your children and only wants what’s best for them, and that the “third party” she invited into her life might just be someone she trusted, who genuinely enjoyed your children and was willing to do anything for them. Maybe that is the kind of person a decent man would want around his children, rather than trying to drive him away, because that is the kind of person she is hoping you invite into your life.
Maybe your ex is a little frustrated that, even though you are so proud of yourself and think you are so adorable for carrying around a planner, you are still incapable of getting the children where they need to be with what they need to have. Do you think maybe you could take a few minutes away from your self-focus to give just a little thought to what they might need?
Maybe before you, jokingly or not, state that your ex is unfit to be a mother that you think about how you essentially abandoned a baby, a child and a teenager in order to punish a woman for wanting a life that you did not want. Consider that you decided after you were married with children that you would prefer to have freedom, and that since she is the one who wanted children in the first place and not you, even though you never disclosed this fact, that they are completely her responsibility. And consider that she accepted this responsibility, after you drove down the street “breathing a sigh of relief,” without you ever “giving her a break by babysitting,” and handled meals, homework, sports practices, holidays, haircuts and activities and birthday parties and clothes shopping, as well as a home and a yard, and a full-time job, on about four hours of sleep per night, and yet has three happy, successful kids. Do you think perhaps it is a little disrespectful to publicly claim that this woman is an unfit mother? Do you think maybe you should try doing what she does before proclaiming that she is unfit?
And maybe, if you think it would be so very easy to disengage from your children, even though you list “my boys” as the #1 thing you can’t live without on the dating sites where you are blatantly misrepresenting yourself as a loving parent to bait women, they just might be better off if you did.
Maybe you’ll actually consider that you may possibly not totally be the blameless victim that you make yourself out to be day after day, year after year, on these forums. But probably not, which is why your ex doesn’t spend time she doesn’t have trying to communicate with you. She’s busy being the best mother she can be.