Ex-wife won't communicate on parenting.
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Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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Old 09-07-2011, 03:43 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Ex-wife won't communicate on parenting.

I am in line to get a pretty substantial job advancement in my career. I am going on a 3rd interview where they are flying me to actually complete the interview. It's not a slam-dunk yet by any means but I am one of the finalists.

My caustic ex-wife refuses to talk to me about it until I have the job.

The problem is this job is going to require travel during the week, when I currently have the kids. It's definitely a career upgrade though so I'll more than likely take it even though my time with the kids will be drastically reduced.

Oh, she continually tries to impute my income higher than it is (served me again, 6 months after divorce) so this is another reason I will take it. She served me about this along with wanting to see my tax returns, which I refused to produce on demand. I wouldn't mind having a lower paying job (and something I do love) and being aroudn more for the kids, but I realize it's about money nowadays and that's fine. I'm kinda disgusted lately anyway.

I have been advised to just move forward without her and just get an overnight nanny if I get the job.

Is this good advice?
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Old 09-07-2011, 05:10 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife won't communicate on parenting.

yeah, if she is unwilling to work on a mutual agreement, then maybe the nanny option is good, except you should check if there are any "right of first refusal" issues in your parenting agreement or state laws, she probably has the right to care for your kids if she wants, and of course that would mean paying her more, but since you are considering hiring a nanny is it really about the money anyway? If your ex is unfit to take them, to the point you'd sooner trust a hired stranger, then you have other problems to address. I'd say just do it, if your xw refuses to take the care then you have your backup in place.
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Old 09-09-2011, 10:24 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife won't communicate on parenting.

Lon,

It's terrible. . .we don't even talk anymore, not even about the kids. She called me up the other day and lit into me becuase I forgot to bring the toddlers blanket to school with him and he didnt' take a nap and was cranky.

I apologized. She continue to light into me. I apologized again and said if they had only called, I was a mile away. She continued to light into me.

So I hung up.

Disconnected her from my brain. Don't need that kind of auditory input. I wanted to actually spend some extra time with my middle son that night and work on some soccer drills, but she's just too caustic to communicate with.

So. . .I see myself slowly disconnecting here. It's a real risk.

Yeah, she's better than a nanny for the kids but I am not sure what to do.

Oh well, she does have a point - I don't even have the job yet. It would just be nice to have a partner to dialogue with with regards to the children.
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Old 09-10-2011, 11:12 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife won't communicate on parenting.

Was reading in another thread (can't remember which one) about a xw pulling the same crap, getting mean and disrespectful, and someone recommended just getting up, saying they won't be talked to that way and walking away. Maybe that's exactly what you need to do here, start putting up a boundary and as soon as her tone turns disrespectful simply say I won't be talked to that way and hang up. Do this every time until she starts learning that she can't talk that way. If she won't talk when you call, then text or email, and if she refuses to reply atleast you can still have a recorded paper trail. Start ignoring her as much as you can, where it concerns the kids, make your decision, tell her once and if she fails to negotiate (ie she declines her right to be the first one to refuse to take care of the kids) you already have your backup plan in place with the nanny. Sorry it must be hard, so far my W and I have been very cordial and amicable concerning our son, but it may not always stay that way, still its hard enough just planning everything when we are already on the same page can't imagine if either of us were trying to make it harder...
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Old 09-12-2011, 08:43 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife won't communicate on parenting.

Maybe your ex-wife simply wants to wait until you are actually offered the job before the two of you discuss a new schedule and how it would affect the children. Maybe there have been countless dialogues in the past about what you might want to do with your life and how the rest of the family might reorganize in deference to you. Maybe, for example, you wanted to be the dean of a college, or have a Baylor position as radiology technologist, or open a fasting clinic, or run a website, and those never became reality after hours and hours of wasted dialogue. Maybe we shouldn’t judge her for wanting to just wait to see if this is reality or just another scannerguard hypothesis.

And maybe your ex-wife is humiliated by having every comment she makes put through your self-righteous filter, exaggerated, spun for the most negative possible connotation, and then shared with family and friends and posted for public criticism and ridicule. Might that affect her willingness to communicate with you?

And maybe her interpretation of “communication,” as the communication director for a large health system, is that information be exchanged two ways. Perhaps cutting yourself off from auditory input, hearing what you want to hear rather than what she is actually saying, and telling her how things are going to be is not true communication, in her opinion.

How about opening a dialogue about what schedule might make life as easy as possible for the kids, so they don’t have the confusion of two different households, buses and schedules on school days and so they actually get to visit with you during your visitation? Or how about opening a dialogue about anything other than what you want and need?

In regards to “full disclosure,” consider that telling a woman BEFORE you marry her, buy a home and make three children that what you really want out of life is to live in a trailer, never have to “babysit,” not do anything fun with your family and not have the financial responsibility of supporting anyone or having to put any thought into caring for anyone, might fall under that category. Maybe she shouldn’t be punished for the rest of her life for wanting exactly the things she said she wanted when you married her, just because at some point you decided that family responsibilities infringe too much on your personal time and you didn’t feel that compromising any of your own wants was part of being a husband or father.

And maybe you could start a thread here to ask people’s opinions on whether a woman who thinks a 2400-square-foot-home on a 1/4 acre lot is a reasonable desire for two working adults with post-graduate educations and three children. Or do you folks agree with scannerguard that this woman, who works twice as much and makes twice as much as her ex, and receives $140 per week for three kids from her doctor ex-husband, is a hungry bear who lives in a mansion and still isn’t happy and had better stop being fed before she gets completely out of control?

And maybe your ex-wife DID know you were dating during the separation and was happy you were able to find what she didn’t couldn’t give you, so she didn’t feel the need to throw a hypocritical fit in court over the “third party” that was completely irrelevant anyway since the marriage was physically, emotionally and logistically over.

And maybe those of you on here who are passing judgment on someone for having a relationship before the ink was dry on the divorce, or before there was a legal separation, or before she fully disclosed her intentions, could consider that maybe, even though she’s non-religious and caustic, just maybe she has extremely high morals and only has sex with people she is in love with and people who love her, in thought and in action. Maybe her number is very low and her self-esteem is very high, whether or not she has the respect of her pure and morally superior ex.

And scanner, even though the “third party” was fat, maybe he was a bigger man than you in more ways than one. Maybe he actually enjoyed spending time with your children and looked forward to doing fun things with them and treated their mother like he was her #1 fan. Maybe she thought it would be positive to have the boys see how a man is supposed to treat a woman. But in any case, if you decided she was good enough to leave your children with while you pursued your freedom, maybe you shouldn’t really pass judgment on the decisions she made in your absence.

And maybe your ex wouldn’t have introduced the children to the “third party” before the divorce was final if you hadn’t dedicated every ounce of your energy to prolonging the divorce as long as possible and ensuring that she did not have any time without the children in which to develop a social life (which you now pity her for). Maybe you would rather she snuck men into the house after your children were asleep? And perhaps she doesn’t consider you reading through her e-mails and personal correspondence, and pumping the kids for information, as flaunting her relationship.

Maybe if your goal here is to have your ex and kids provided for by someone other than yourself, that you should have considered this objective before throwing up every barrier you could think of to prevent her from developing a relationship, while you secretly pursued your own, with “all the time in the world.”

Maybe if you could let yourself admit that your ex is a good person who loves your children and only wants what’s best for them, and that the “third party” she invited into her life might just be someone she trusted, who genuinely enjoyed your children and was willing to do anything for them. Maybe that is the kind of person a decent man would want around his children, rather than trying to drive him away, because that is the kind of person she is hoping you invite into your life.

Maybe your ex is a little frustrated that, even though you are so proud of yourself and think you are so adorable for carrying around a planner, you are still incapable of getting the children where they need to be with what they need to have. Do you think maybe you could take a few minutes away from your self-focus to give just a little thought to what they might need?

Maybe before you, jokingly or not, state that your ex is unfit to be a mother that you think about how you essentially abandoned a baby, a child and a teenager in order to punish a woman for wanting a life that you did not want. Consider that you decided after you were married with children that you would prefer to have freedom, and that since she is the one who wanted children in the first place and not you, even though you never disclosed this fact, that they are completely her responsibility. And consider that she accepted this responsibility, after you drove down the street “breathing a sigh of relief,” without you ever “giving her a break by babysitting,” and handled meals, homework, sports practices, holidays, haircuts and activities and birthday parties and clothes shopping, as well as a home and a yard, and a full-time job, on about four hours of sleep per night, and yet has three happy, successful kids. Do you think perhaps it is a little disrespectful to publicly claim that this woman is an unfit mother? Do you think maybe you should try doing what she does before proclaiming that she is unfit?

And maybe, if you think it would be so very easy to disengage from your children, even though you list “my boys” as the #1 thing you can’t live without on the dating sites where you are blatantly misrepresenting yourself as a loving parent to bait women, they just might be better off if you did.

Maybe you’ll actually consider that you may possibly not totally be the blameless victim that you make yourself out to be day after day, year after year, on these forums. But probably not, which is why your ex doesn’t spend time she doesn’t have trying to communicate with you. She’s busy being the best mother she can be.
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:23 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife won't communicate on parenting.

Hey Scanner .... looks like your ex found the forum :-)

My only comment is that you might want to add up the numbers! You might make more money, but if you have to pay more support and a night nanny and not get to see your kids as much, you might decide you aren't really getting ahead.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife won't communicate on parenting.

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Originally Posted by Miss Represented View Post
Maybe your ex-wife simply wants to wait until you are actually offered the job before the two of you discuss a new schedule and how it would affect the children. Maybe there have been countless dialogues in the past about what you might want to do with your life and how the rest of the family might reorganize in deference to you. Maybe, for example, you wanted to be the dean of a college, or have a Baylor position as radiology technologist, or open a fasting clinic, or run a website, and those never became reality after hours and hours of wasted dialogue. Maybe we shouldn’t judge her for wanting to just wait to see if this is reality or just another scannerguard hypothesis.

And maybe your ex-wife is humiliated by having every comment she makes put through your self-righteous filter, exaggerated, spun for the most negative possible connotation, and then shared with family and friends and posted for public criticism and ridicule. Might that affect her willingness to communicate with you?

And maybe her interpretation of “communication,” as the communication director for a large health system, is that information be exchanged two ways. Perhaps cutting yourself off from auditory input, hearing what you want to hear rather than what she is actually saying, and telling her how things are going to be is not true communication, in her opinion.

How about opening a dialogue about what schedule might make life as easy as possible for the kids, so they don’t have the confusion of two different households, buses and schedules on school days and so they actually get to visit with you during your visitation? Or how about opening a dialogue about anything other than what you want and need?

In regards to “full disclosure,” consider that telling a woman BEFORE you marry her, buy a home and make three children that what you really want out of life is to live in a trailer, never have to “babysit,” not do anything fun with your family and not have the financial responsibility of supporting anyone or having to put any thought into caring for anyone, might fall under that category. Maybe she shouldn’t be punished for the rest of her life for wanting exactly the things she said she wanted when you married her, just because at some point you decided that family responsibilities infringe too much on your personal time and you didn’t feel that compromising any of your own wants was part of being a husband or father.

And maybe you could start a thread here to ask people’s opinions on whether a woman who thinks a 2400-square-foot-home on a 1/4 acre lot is a reasonable desire for two working adults with post-graduate educations and three children. Or do you folks agree with scannerguard that this woman, who works twice as much and makes twice as much as her ex, and receives $140 per week for three kids from her doctor ex-husband, is a hungry bear who lives in a mansion and still isn’t happy and had better stop being fed before she gets completely out of control?

And maybe your ex-wife DID know you were dating during the separation and was happy you were able to find what she didn’t couldn’t give you, so she didn’t feel the need to throw a hypocritical fit in court over the “third party” that was completely irrelevant anyway since the marriage was physically, emotionally and logistically over.

And maybe those of you on here who are passing judgment on someone for having a relationship before the ink was dry on the divorce, or before there was a legal separation, or before she fully disclosed her intentions, could consider that maybe, even though she’s non-religious and caustic, just maybe she has extremely high morals and only has sex with people she is in love with and people who love her, in thought and in action. Maybe her number is very low and her self-esteem is very high, whether or not she has the respect of her pure and morally superior ex.

And scanner, even though the “third party” was fat, maybe he was a bigger man than you in more ways than one. Maybe he actually enjoyed spending time with your children and looked forward to doing fun things with them and treated their mother like he was her #1 fan. Maybe she thought it would be positive to have the boys see how a man is supposed to treat a woman. But in any case, if you decided she was good enough to leave your children with while you pursued your freedom, maybe you shouldn’t really pass judgment on the decisions she made in your absence.

And maybe your ex wouldn’t have introduced the children to the “third party” before the divorce was final if you hadn’t dedicated every ounce of your energy to prolonging the divorce as long as possible and ensuring that she did not have any time without the children in which to develop a social life (which you now pity her for). Maybe you would rather she snuck men into the house after your children were asleep? And perhaps she doesn’t consider you reading through her e-mails and personal correspondence, and pumping the kids for information, as flaunting her relationship.

Maybe if your goal here is to have your ex and kids provided for by someone other than yourself, that you should have considered this objective before throwing up every barrier you could think of to prevent her from developing a relationship, while you secretly pursued your own, with “all the time in the world.”

Maybe if you could let yourself admit that your ex is a good person who loves your children and only wants what’s best for them, and that the “third party” she invited into her life might just be someone she trusted, who genuinely enjoyed your children and was willing to do anything for them. Maybe that is the kind of person a decent man would want around his children, rather than trying to drive him away, because that is the kind of person she is hoping you invite into your life.

Maybe your ex is a little frustrated that, even though you are so proud of yourself and think you are so adorable for carrying around a planner, you are still incapable of getting the children where they need to be with what they need to have. Do you think maybe you could take a few minutes away from your self-focus to give just a little thought to what they might need?

Maybe before you, jokingly or not, state that your ex is unfit to be a mother that you think about how you essentially abandoned a baby, a child and a teenager in order to punish a woman for wanting a life that you did not want. Consider that you decided after you were married with children that you would prefer to have freedom, and that since she is the one who wanted children in the first place and not you, even though you never disclosed this fact, that they are completely her responsibility. And consider that she accepted this responsibility, after you drove down the street “breathing a sigh of relief,” without you ever “giving her a break by babysitting,” and handled meals, homework, sports practices, holidays, haircuts and activities and birthday parties and clothes shopping, as well as a home and a yard, and a full-time job, on about four hours of sleep per night, and yet has three happy, successful kids. Do you think perhaps it is a little disrespectful to publicly claim that this woman is an unfit mother? Do you think maybe you should try doing what she does before proclaiming that she is unfit?

And maybe, if you think it would be so very easy to disengage from your children, even though you list “my boys” as the #1 thing you can’t live without on the dating sites where you are blatantly misrepresenting yourself as a loving parent to bait women, they just might be better off if you did.

Maybe you’ll actually consider that you may possibly not totally be the blameless victim that you make yourself out to be day after day, year after year, on these forums. But probably not, which is why your ex doesn’t spend time she doesn’t have trying to communicate with you. She’s busy being the best mother she can be.
Oh boy. This needs to be bookmarked as a sticky and posted to every forum here. The whole "two sides to every story".
Definately never got this side of what was going on, that's for sure.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:57 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Oh boy. This needs to be bookmarked as a sticky and posted to every forum here. The whole "two sides to every story".
Definately never got this side of what was going on, that's for sure.

If they could have communicated like that during marriage - maybe they could have worked some of this out!
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Old 09-12-2011, 12:31 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife won't communicate on parenting.

I don't really see how it changes anything, scanner is still entitled to his feelings, and obviously there has always been a difficulty for them communicating... nor do I think his XW's opinion moves the actual truth away from anything, obviously each of them has their own version and it will always be irreconcilable.
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Old 09-12-2011, 12:33 PM   #10 (permalink)
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If they could have communicated like that during marriage - maybe they could have worked some of this out!
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I disagree, this is the kind of communication that wasn't happening, the kind that he feels is "caustic". She clearly feels strong about her views and seems completely unwilling to budge and accept her share of the failure in the marriage.
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Old 09-12-2011, 12:55 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I disagree, this is the kind of communication that wasn't happening, the kind that he feels is "caustic". She clearly feels strong about her views and seems completely unwilling to budge and accept her share of the failure in the marriage.
I mean before she got to the point of all the anger as in telling him her needs. While upset and frustrated and kind of lecturing right now (not productive) I get the feeling scanner never really knew what he was doing wrong in her eyes.
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Old 09-12-2011, 01:42 PM   #12 (permalink)
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... I get the feeling scanner never really knew what he was doing wrong in her eyes.
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That part I agree with. And from what I read it goes both ways. Such is life it seems, and unfortunately it seems so very common, yet with no "easy" solution.
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Old 09-12-2011, 01:50 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I'll let the forum decide out of civility. . .should I respond to this post (since one poster said they would post a sticky all of the forum) point by point or should I let it go?

I'll let the moderators and contributors to the forum decide.

I do have to speak up to the one libelous thing she wrote - that I somehow "abandoned" a baby and two other kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. From her point of view, because I was around and so involved, it could seem like abandonment but

A. She did all she could to drive me out. It was not like I just left her for a young floosie.

B. I was with the baby 2 overnights and 1 full day per week, along with occasional weekends. I attended the older two boys sports events and musical events and stayed in touch the best I could and had them a little more often in the summer. Weekends here and there and some 1 on 1 time. I think we kept up a good relationship for the most part during the separation.

C. I paid $1725/month in household support.

Hardly abandonment in the legal sense of the word.
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Last edited by Scannerguard; 09-12-2011 at 02:17 PM.
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Old 09-12-2011, 03:18 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife won't communicate on parenting.

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I'll let the forum decide out of civility. . .should I respond to this post (since one poster said they would post a sticky all of the forum) point by point or should I let it go?

I'll let the moderators and contributors to the forum decide.

I do have to speak up to the one libelous thing she wrote - that I somehow "abandoned" a baby and two other kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. From her point of view, because I was around and so involved, it could seem like abandonment but

A. She did all she could to drive me out. It was not like I just left her for a young floosie.

B. I was with the baby 2 overnights and 1 full day per week, along with occasional weekends. I attended the older two boys sports events and musical events and stayed in touch the best I could and had them a little more often in the summer. Weekends here and there and some 1 on 1 time. I think we kept up a good relationship for the most part during the separation.

C. I paid $1725/month in household support.

Hardly abandonment in the legal sense of the word.
Just to be clear Scanner, I didn't mean to suggest this post should be posted as a sticky, nor do I have the power to do so. What I meant was a sticky about remembering two sides to every story and those of us that post will always paint ourselves in fashionable light. Human nature I guess but it is still important to remember that doesn't make it truth. Same goes for your ex.
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Old 09-12-2011, 04:14 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ex-wife won't communicate on parenting.

RealBrightEyes,

Oh, yes, I know what you mean now. . .yes, I am a victim of human nature as much as the next human I guess and I would concede/admit to that. I don't think I overly try to bias any story towards me though. But yes, I would have never admitted that bias wasn't there. I think if anything I am always trying to be acutely aware that I may be biasing the story and often try to overrepresent the other side.

Well, this is just virgin territory to me - do I engage Miss Represented? Do we consider the topic closed? There's a couple points in there that I think are related to the topic (co-parenting and communication) but I kind of want a consensus on whether to continue on or not with the newly developed drama.

I also admit I am starting to get the uneasy feeling I am being stalked. She defriended me on facebook (which was fine so I cna't see her goings on and she can't see mine, I guess), and I am entirely uninterested in her social network anyway, yet she is following my posts here without abandon and has found me on match dot com.

I am not sure of what to do.

I participate in this forum in dribs and drabs anyway and am happy to respectfully withdrawal and give her floor time too.
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