09-13-2011, 01:44 PM
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: In Texas
| | Re: Starting out tough
The support changing is such a big "if". Meaning, even if you get more time with the kids, making an issue of the support being offered is going to lead those hearing your reasons for doing so, to believe your motive to see them is more based upon money than seeing them. I understand your desire to still make sure the ex is okay, financially. I dont think many here want to see their ex's in hardship. It is most important though, that you do not continue to sacrifice yourself or your well being to support someone completely unsupportive of you. Your ex is not thinking about "your" financial hardships. Shes happy to be getting paid. Nothing is saying she HAS to stay in that house. Sell it, pay off the mortgage and split the proceeds. Maybe that way you two can unload some debt and have a better lifestyle somewhat individually.
Once that support payment is established by the court it seems nearly impossible to change, ruling out obvious abuse or verifiable proof of wrongdoing that makes her unfit as a caretaker.
You are certainly right that it stinks a whole lot, because we do carry lingering concerns over people that have no concern over us. This is a self-defeating situation though. They have to face reality as it has been made BY them, and no amount of money coming from you is going to make it easier.
If you get to see the kids more, thats great, and worth the money you are already spending. I wouldnt worry about reducing the support. If, in a few years, you then think it is necessary to motion for modification, then sure go for it, but right now, enjoy the increased company of your kids.
Do however realize that kids are kids and they may not realize the importance of getting to spend additional time with you. If you get a negative answer when asking them about spending more time with you, I sure wouldnt take it to heart. They are just kids.
The lingering feelings of wanting to protect your ex are admirable. But you will want to clean out the old closets, and make room for new relationships in your life as well, you may not feel the same way once involved with a better woman.
Dont let your actions and considerations for your ex, be strings attached from you to her. The kids will always mean a relationship of some sort will be required, but you also have to open the doors and let some fresh air into your life.
You are "free" from the destructive nature of a cheating spouse. It is not up to you to determine that she is just confused. Nothing will be more discouraging then to find out she knew what she was doing all along. I had my ex-wife cry on my shoulder the other day, and then she went out to hang out with god knows whoever else that evening. You can get sucked into a confusing nightmare all over again, and its the last thing you or those kids need right now.
We werent made to have to deal with that kind of mental craziness. LEt it be, do your part for your kids sake only, and ALLOW YOURSELF to focus on yourself. It is one of the few consolations after such a serious event in ones life. You are not a martyr. And the efforts will go unnoticed for sure.
Her devestation is not your concern. Her lifes problems are not your concern anymore. This is her bed exactly as she wanted it, and your continued involvement will hurt you worse.
His delay, is not a denial.