Starting out tough

Shoeguy · 09-13-2011, 08:16 AM

Man I can't beleive how worked up I am right now. I have not heard my ex's voice in over a month it has been texts and email. This morning I had to take the kids over before school for the youngest to sign a paper and the oldest to get something out of her car.

I was almost out of there and the ex came out with one of the girls cell phones. She actually spoke to me and handed the phone to me. I don't know why that affects me so much. But just writing this post is helping me but dang I shouldn't feel this way.

I have decided that I want to get 50/50 with the kids and been wondering how to tell the ex because right now it is one day a week and every other weekend. The only porblem is that I'm just able to scrap by since I was wiped out in the D and not sure I can afford to feed them. That is truthfully the sadest thing I have ever had to say. I have always provided for my family and she even worked part time now I'm diminished to an out of the way father who is wondering if he can afford to have his kids more.

What a crappy day.

Showguy

Shooboomafoo · 09-13-2011, 08:29 AM

Shoe, I hear you.
I told my wife that I thought that I was no less important in terms of involvement with my child than she was, and that I would not settle for the every-other-weekend status quo that even criminals in prison get.
I told her she could have the status of primary conservator, but I wanted my time with my daughter. I also told her that with this, it was going to require food and clothing over at my house, as I would imagine she would want the best for her child while with me.
Someone, is going to have to be labeled "primary", as to be able to determine the primary residence for school and state address requirements and records. I told my wife that I would refrain from taking half of her retirement account as I was entitled to, just as she was entitled to half of mine; I let her have the house to continue to reside in, as her income is more than mine, and with her mother there, their combined incomes make it more feasible to keep up with the mortgage. If she sells it, half of the proceeds after satisfying the mortgage goes to me.

You will find a way to afford it. My sister raised two kids without any spousal support or child support. Dont let yourself become defeated internally, though I certainly realize and understand completely the feeling of being forced into a part-time daddy status, and what all caused that to be the case. Its truly an insult added to a deep injury.
You can afford it. You WILL afford it.
Turn that crappy day into a planning day, a day of realization of what it is you want in terms of those kids.
If you have to, you can tell the ex that you have no plans of EVER letting this rest until you are treated fairly in terms of seeing your kids.

Shoeguy · 09-13-2011, 09:07 AM

Thanks Shoo,

I hear you loud and clear. I have already started to do the planning on how to make it happen. I stopped feeling sorry and started looking at where my last pay check went and it did have a dental bill and a few other one time items that will not hit again next month.

The kids along with my mother are going to Maryland this weekend to see some of my cousins. It will be a nice four day weekend away from town. Over the weekend I will ask both of them if they would like to spend more time with me at my place and see what they say. I don't want to make them spend time at my place if they truely want to be over at the ex's. It is a much nicer and larger house then my humble house. If they don't I'm not sure what I'll do at that point. Probably nothing.

Maybe if I get 50/50 my support payment would go down. I doubt it but I guess it doesn't hurt to ask. Although my lawyer is $175/hour and a min of 12 minutes so $35 to ask. Well worth it in my opinion. If my support went down here straw house would collapse. She is trying to live in the larger house which she can barely afford even with my support payments.

I will make it through today and looking forward to volunteering tonight and then I have the divorce group tomorrow.

Thanks

shoeguy

Shoeguy · 09-13-2011, 12:44 PM

Well I reached out to the attorney to see if I can submit to amend the parential agreement and if I do get 50/50 custody does the support change. I read up on the Ohio child support laws and one of the criteria they take into account is the time the child is with each parent. That would lead me to beleive the support would go down if I spent more time with them.

I have mixed feelings about the support changing. If it does change I will have more money to raise the kids but it will also cause hardship on my ex. I know you will say that it is ok because you are now divorced but I just have these lingering feeling to protect her. I took those vows and right now I think I've abandoned her somehow. I can't seem to get over the feeling that she is still my best friend and just confused about everything going on. She has not stepped back and looked at the whole picture. Man this stinks thinking that way.

She will be totally devastated not only for losing some time with the kids but the house as well. But my concience says I have no choice if I want to heal faster and enjoy the company of my kids.

Shooboomafoo · 09-13-2011, 01:44 PM

The support changing is such a big "if". Meaning, even if you get more time with the kids, making an issue of the support being offered is going to lead those hearing your reasons for doing so, to believe your motive to see them is more based upon money than seeing them. I understand your desire to still make sure the ex is okay, financially. I dont think many here want to see their ex's in hardship. It is most important though, that you do not continue to sacrifice yourself or your well being to support someone completely unsupportive of you. Your ex is not thinking about "your" financial hardships. Shes happy to be getting paid. Nothing is saying she HAS to stay in that house. Sell it, pay off the mortgage and split the proceeds. Maybe that way you two can unload some debt and have a better lifestyle somewhat individually.
Once that support payment is established by the court it seems nearly impossible to change, ruling out obvious abuse or verifiable proof of wrongdoing that makes her unfit as a caretaker.
You are certainly right that it stinks a whole lot, because we do carry lingering concerns over people that have no concern over us. This is a self-defeating situation though. They have to face reality as it has been made BY them, and no amount of money coming from you is going to make it easier.
If you get to see the kids more, thats great, and worth the money you are already spending. I wouldnt worry about reducing the support. If, in a few years, you then think it is necessary to motion for modification, then sure go for it, but right now, enjoy the increased company of your kids.
Do however realize that kids are kids and they may not realize the importance of getting to spend additional time with you. If you get a negative answer when asking them about spending more time with you, I sure wouldnt take it to heart. They are just kids.
The lingering feelings of wanting to protect your ex are admirable. But you will want to clean out the old closets, and make room for new relationships in your life as well, you may not feel the same way once involved with a better woman.
Dont let your actions and considerations for your ex, be strings attached from you to her. The kids will always mean a relationship of some sort will be required, but you also have to open the doors and let some fresh air into your life.
You are "free" from the destructive nature of a cheating spouse. It is not up to you to determine that she is just confused. Nothing will be more discouraging then to find out she knew what she was doing all along. I had my ex-wife cry on my shoulder the other day, and then she went out to hang out with god knows whoever else that evening. You can get sucked into a confusing nightmare all over again, and its the last thing you or those kids need right now.
We werent made to have to deal with that kind of mental craziness. LEt it be, do your part for your kids sake only, and ALLOW YOURSELF to focus on yourself. It is one of the few consolations after such a serious event in ones life. You are not a martyr. And the efforts will go unnoticed for sure.
Her devestation is not your concern. Her lifes problems are not your concern anymore. This is her bed exactly as she wanted it, and your continued involvement will hurt you worse.

Shoeguy · 09-13-2011, 02:26 PM

Shoo you always seem to be right on the money and a staight shooter. Thanks again.

I talked to the lawyer about everything and she basically said the same things as you Shoo. The best route is to talk to the kids and see what they would like to do and then appraoch the ex if anything should change but keep the courts out of it.

I will aproach each one of them and tell them I enjoy seeing them and like them around and if they would like to spend more time with me at my place we can see if we can make that happen. I don't want to put pressure on them but also want them to know how much enjoyment I get out of seeing them.

Only time will tell and I'm going to enjoy my weekend away with them.

Keep talking it seems to be helping me.

Shoeguy