"Life" after divorce-- in the same house :{
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Life After Divorce » "Life" after divorce-- in the same house :{

Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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Old 09-14-2011, 07:53 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default "Life" after divorce-- in the same house :{

So, y'all know my story.
A year ago, noticed the classic signs of an involvement developing between my wife and some old "just a friend".
$300.00 cell phone bills led me to inquire and see the countless texts/calls. I asked her about it, she denied. I found everything on her cell phone text messages and confronted, she blame shifted and gaslighted. BUT, was willing to work on it. Only, working on it, meant continued contact in secret, on facebook, and meetings for "lunch".
Well that was just toooooo much for her to have some controlling arsehole like me checking up on her so long story short, Divorce happened. I am two weeks a divorced 39 year old.
So what happens when you continue to live together one might ask? For me, the situation was necessary becuase one of my xw's worst problems is handling money, and she will eventually lose the marital home. I refuse to be stuck in an apartment if that happens, and "if" anything reflects back on me in terms of "credit destruction", it will be difficult to get into a house from that point on.
(history note: for the 3rd time in our marriage I had her mother move in with us to help her out, due to her own bad financial problems and subsequent eviction, health issues, etc.)
So, her mother works, and the xw works and earns around 30% more than I a year, so they have a better chance of keeping it going, as I could not afford it alone. But the xw has .78cents in her checking acct as of today, 9/14. So you know what Im sayin.

The thought process was if I could get into a house, and then she loses hers to foreclosure or something they (creditors) would not come after my current home. But being in an apt would be very difficult if that happened with the old house, and then I went to try to get a house.
So I elected to stay, despite her urgency for me to leave, and try to deal with all the mess until I could locate, finance, and move into a house. My kid sure didnt mind, and thats one saving grace. But its been a freakish hell to live.

I however dont know that I would suggest this situation for my worst enemies.
I refuse to sleep on the couch, so she just had to suck it up while I continued to sleep in the same bed. Hell, I paid for half of it anyways. VERY difficult. as I mentioned before, we sleep like two pieces of laundry hanging off the side of the bed as far away from each other as possible. Yes! two divorced people sleeping in the "marital bed" if thats what you want to call it. Nothings happened there for years, anyways.

Even at this late point in the situation, already divorced, already to close on a new house for myself, getting excited about it and all, I STILL find myself privy to those moments that really set me off into a place of relative anger towards her.
Last night for instance, she was on the phone with someone when I walked into the bedroom, and it evidently was a private call, and she gave me a grimaced look and walked into the living room until I left the bedroom to where she returned and closed the door for privacy. I sank back into my "espionage" days and pressed my ear against the wall to see if I could hear her conversation and it was either her talking TO some guy or to her girlfriend about some guy. Theres about 3 I know of that shes been getting interest from, so it could be any of them.

Fact is, I hate hate hate hate hate that it has any affect on me in the least bit. I ask myself, why does it even remotely matter now? Why do I get upset over this obvious dooshbaggery, then what?
Living under the same roof brings with it alll the glorious details of her "new" pathetically joyful life of partying to 1pm the next day, plenty of girlfriends to go out with she has, and men from her past that want a long term committed relationship for sure.

Living under the same roof, when going through this divorce both prior-to it, and shortly after, is not something I would recommend to anyone. The levels of fake-face and bipolarism that presents itself is beyond comprehension. The worst part is watching them pretend to "be just dandy" with it all , the situation, the destruction of their own marriage and children's lives by their own hand, carries evidently little gravity to it.

So, last night I witnessed a few things I would have rather not seen, and found myself regressing to states I would rather have not allowed myself. Its the nature of the situation.
I expect its part of the process, and blows wholeheartedly.
I dont plan on allowing myself to dwell on it, or trip me up. I am well on my way out that door into a new life for myself. I guess I just wanted to post and show everyone else going thru these things that its all normal, but it helps to know what to expect.
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Old 09-14-2011, 09:08 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Life" after divorce-- in the same house :{

----and im going to reply to my own message-----

Shoo,
We all know how it is to have those triggering moments, things that happen that set you off. Barely having the ink dry on the decree doesnt dissolve the emotional investment. Thats going to take time.
Your ex sounds like someone who hasnt developed past a certain age, or is now going thru a midlife crisis where nothing is reasonable or mature in her actions.
NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE.
You got a house, getting the docs signed, got time and furniture and everything you will need to move on, just hold on.
You have made it this far, and by all measures should be suffering from some form of schizophrenia yourself after going thru all that and then continuing to live there. But you made it.
You are well aware of where she is going to end up financially, emotionally, and relationshipwise, with the line of suitors waiting at the door. You are well aware of their character and integrity, (not), but cant do anything about that. And really, shouldnt.
Let her have her bed she made, the cake she baked. Let her eat it to her fill, and eventually when reality sets in, you will have moved on already.
These things you see, are bricks. The perfect bricks being given you to stack one atop the other. Men of your nature who still care despite the horrendous actions of a traitorous decieveing *****bag, have a little more difficult time reclaiming the concern you gave her, back to yourself. Its only part of your nature to still care. Allow each one of those bricks to build that wall between you, so that when that phone call comes, that you are presented with the choice to accept that sickness back into your life, you can and will have the power to as you say, run like hell.
These triggers are exercises, strengthening the logical side of your brain to empower you to make better choices, to recognize the traits you do not want as a part of your life, and to remind you of what it was like if ever you are asked from her to jump back into the quagmire.
Let her silliness, and superfluous picnic she is on right now be as it is, becuase you cannot change it, nor should you even exhaust the effort to consider trying.
As you tell everyone else here, ALLOW YOURSELF to heal, to grow, to be more centered on yourself. Reclaim the life that YOU deserve, centered on YOUR desires, becuase there is nothing wrong with doing so.
Geez, youve spent almost two decades catering to her every whim and subjecting yourself to a fallacy of an existence, its time for your own light to shine.
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Old 09-14-2011, 10:09 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Life" after divorce-- in the same house :{

Just to let you know, I am actually listening. And your advice to yourself was dead on! Not sure what to add to it.

Good luck and hang in there.

We are heading for D also - and also continue to share the "marital bed." It IS awkward.

My wife often leaves at night and stays gone literally all night. Some nights its fine - and other nights it really bothers me.

So - listen to that guy who responded to you first. He seems to know what he's talking about - even if its hard to practice what he preaches at every moment.

The whole process is a major test of patience and resilience - but the worst parts will soon be over.
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Old 09-14-2011, 11:16 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Life" after divorce-- in the same house :{

Good luck friend. I can't pretend to know what you are going through as our stories are a bit different, but I wish you well.
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Old 09-14-2011, 12:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Life" after divorce-- in the same house :{

Shoo sorry that does suck. I guess I was lucky enough to get out before the divorce. We were seperated for 2 months before the divorce happened.

Keep your chin up if possible. We will make it through this together. Today's been a little rough for me for some reason but feeling better now. I have got to a stage where I'm sad one hour, mad the next hour and content the next. That boat really sucks.

I to went to the dr and got some meds. Seem to be working I wish they had something that could fill the hole in my chest.

Later

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Old 09-18-2011, 06:05 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Life" after divorce-- in the same house :{

shoe:
It's been 38 days since I moved out and the house sold. But it was six months of living in the same house until that happened. It was torture, ex did not hide his affair and played endless painful headgames to keep my hope alive. Ex enjoyed my pain. I have never met someone like that in my life. I thought they were fictional characters but it turns out narcissists are functioning (not alive they need a victim for that) and out here with us.

Once I was gone and went NC (fortunately no children), hard but necessary, I began to heal.

I had a fantastic day, two days ago, and if that is any indication of the way I will feel in time then I must say this may have been worth it. The re-discovery of myself that had been shut away for 9 years is exhilarating.

I wish you better days to come and strength to move through your pain to finding yourself once again; as I wish all of us.
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Old 09-18-2011, 01:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Life" after divorce-- in the same house :{

Well, I won't comment to the entireity of your problem, but sharing a bed with your ex-spouse. . .hmmmm.

Whatever happened to having 2 twin beds beside each other in a Master Bedroom ala Ward and June Cleaver? If financial circumstances dictate you share living space?

Somehow, they were married and managed to produce "The Beave" and "Wally" in our fictional minds.

Seriously though, my father's mother and his step father had that sleeping arrangement way back to my early childhood as far as I can remember. I remember visiting them in the hills of Pennsylvania and seeing 2 twin beds in the Master Bedroom.. Whether it was because they became less or non-intimate over time, or they just wanted some space with sleeping. . .I dunno, it's what I would do.

As far as financial predicament, I'll go back and read later. I am a firm advocate for birdnesting as an arrangement for the kids. Maybe you could both afford an efficiency condo or a trailer off premises and you switch off with parenting.

You do what you gotta do for the kids sake. They'll appreciate not being shuffled around and staying in their home.
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Life" after divorce-- in the same house :{

I was there in the same type situation...lived under the same roof..shared the same bed ( with a ll wall of pillows between us )
and I don't wish that on anyone...If I could go back I would not do it again...Its hard enough now without having to endure that too..
keep your head up..
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Old 09-20-2011, 08:16 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Life" after divorce-- in the same house :{

Initially, due to my desire to have a house available for when the ex gets foreclosed on in the current house, I was holding out to find one, and move in. An apartment was not an option, because when she gets foreclosed on in the house, it would possibly affect my ability to then, get a house. As well, I wanted a stable place for my child to come live with me whenever her mother wanted to pull one of her all-nighters that has become recently consistent.

The purchase of two twin beds at this stage of the game was not really viable. Even so, I hadnt planned on staying for so long, and thought the house finding situation would go quickly. I was wrong.
I gave the house to my ex, allowing her to stay for as long as she wants and then sell at her leisure. If she doesnt get foreclosed on. The rationale was from knowing her self imposed financial nightmare, and having lived with its effects for ten years.
Plus, it was a place of normalcy for my child. The whole "shuffling around" part was one of the many effects of her mothers infidelity.

I am desperately hoping to hear back from the seller this week, to get closing scheduled. Its been a very long month for sure.
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Old 09-20-2011, 10:05 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Life" after divorce-- in the same house :{

Good luck Shoo. I hope you get the place and move out.

Good days ahead look forward to them.

I agree no sense on buying twin beds and drop more expense into the mix unless you can use them for your child in the new house.

Take care.

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Old 02-14-2012, 12:45 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Life" after divorce-- in the same house :{

It is miserable feeling to live in the same house after divorce in which you live earlier. I faced the same I can feel your pain.
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