Accepting the other woman - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #16 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 10:47 AM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

Sounds like your ex doesn't like the reality that HIS actions have consequences for others, like his kids. The kids may, or may not, ever come to terms with what he did to your family. Just support them and what they are going through.

Yes, yes, therapist just want us all to get along. Its their job. I mean how much money could they earn if they told a family on the first meeting, "yep, your dad was wrong in betraying the family and the OW is a skank." I sure there was a whole guilt trip placed on them along the lines of "doesn't your dad deserve to be happy in his new life." Puke.

And you never have to accept her in your family dynamics. She is his GF, not yours. And frankly, the kids are old enough to make up their own minds.


In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #17 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 12:12 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

I believe the chump lady refers to this as the unending punishment of breeding with a ****wit. It's bad enough when we have to deal with the interlopers, but it's way worse when our children are subjected to this crap.

You don't have to hob knob with the OW during holiday time. You only have to see her during pick up, drop offs, school events and big life events like graduation or marriage. Even there, you are only required to be civil. And please don't let anyone tell you that you HAVE to take pictures with her or the ex for that matter. The family now consists of you and your children. Photographs can be taken separately at big life events. No sense in pretending everything is A-okay.

My ex married the other woman after our three year wreckonciliation post his affair. That whole period was three glorified years of me trying to prove my worth to him which makes me laugh now. It's hard for me to believe that their relationship ever ended. I am very glad they ended up together though because I think the best gift you can give a cheater is another cheater. (She cheated on her husband too). Ex was the one who took the vows so most of my disdain was directed towards him back in the day. She could've been anyone and since she had a lot of money she won the great prize. Good for them.

I'm 2 years divorced and almost at the coveted state of Chump lady's Meh.

You will get through this too, it just takes time.

Oh-and you didn't kill either one of them so in my eyes, you've accepted all this crap just fine!
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post #18 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 04:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Accepting the other woman

my gosh, I'm so glad I posted.

I did what you did. We spent time in counseling trying to work on things, but it was all really just his expecting me to change. I would try to talk to him about it and I would get well, you aren't doing anything to meet MY needs? Reality was his needs were stupid. Once I realized he basically expected me to be a different person, dress differently, like what he likes, act how he expected me to act, I started just giving up. It was an impossible situation. In reality he wasn't changing because he had someone he was involved with at the same time. He even said to me one time that I should just do what he likes without him having to ask and because I don't I don't love him? WHAT? So I have to intuitively know what you want, when you want it and do it and if I don't then there is no love between us? I told him that he was setting me up to fail so there was no point. You can't love someone if you don't seem to like anything about them other than physical appearance. Being attracted to me seemed to be the only thing there was.

She definitely is totally different than I am for sure. Some of it is insane though. He was always on me to stay thin, she has at least 50 lbs on me. I guess the one positive, the stress has me down to a size 2. He hates short hair, she has short hair, would get angry if I even considered cutting my hair. He hates smoking and she is a chain smoker. He has jealousy and she openly flirts, hangs out at bars alone having guys buy her drinks. I've heard story after story of her coming on to husbands, boyfriends with the wife or girlfriend right there. I wasn't able to talk to men at all because of his jealousy and she pretty much only has male friends. Of course one time I asked how he could be friends with her when I wouldn't think he'd respect anything she did. He said he didn't have to trust her, only me. So what, now he knows he's getting a ****ty ***** and so knowing he'll be cheated on is better?

I hope my recovery happens soon. Even though I don't want him back and completely realize how twisted and toxic our relationship was, it's still gut wrenching. To know I was replaced with such a morally vacant woman is just intolerable. He told the kids I'd be mad about him dating anyone. My son said no Dad I think it's who you are dating that's the problem. Yes, any new person would I'm sure initiate some sort of feeling, but I truly think I could have handled him dating some totally new person who had not hurt me like she did. She was not quiet in the background. She openly intruded even when we were trying to reconcile. Constantly calling, when I blocked her number on our entire cell acct she would call from other phones. Then when that failed she did some sort of blocked caller ID so that he would answer not knowing who it was. There is a lot more, but my point is that she was guilty of more than simply having an affair with my husband.
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post #19 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 04:33 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

Why are you saying your kids will have to spend time with her?? They have every right to tell their dad they expect her to not be around when they spend time with him. And to cut visits short if she shows up any way. He has no right to force a girlfriend on them if they don't want anything to do with her!

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #20 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 04:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Accepting the other woman

I'm saying they'll have to because he'll make it happen. Certainly they can refuse and cut visits short and may do that. They will most likely end up doing what he wants. He gets angry very easily - not physically abusive angry - but angry and all 3 of us are pretty conditioned to try to keep him happy. I would bet that they'll get tired of repeated attempts to get him to understand their feelings which he doesn't now, and probably won't. He is sure they only hate her because of me. Communicating with him is impossible. Everything is as he sees it. He is so far unable to accept other people may have opposing feelings which are also valid.
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post #21 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 05:14 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

I think you and they should take the opportunity with him not around all the time to break that cycle. Take a stand and when he starts manipulating and getting angry, leave. All 3 of you. Get into some family counseling sessions, empower yourselves - don't let him bully you!! That would be a great gift for your kids.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #22 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 05:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Accepting the other woman

Yes, we are in counseling. My kids are stronger than I am, than I was at their age. I'm very proud of them. My daughter is currently refusing to live with her dad at all. The revelation of the affair was just the icing on the cake for her though not the sole reason for the choice. There is a lot of dysfunction in their own relationship as well. He's hardly home so she feels why bother even being there she'd rather be with me. When he is home he is in his own world. She feels if she's second fiddle right now to essentially anything else, work, friends then she'll have no chance with a new girlfriend in the picture. I was just beyond anxious the day he came to pick her up and I knew she was not going to go, but so proud of her at the same time. She very firmly stood her ground, told him why, and walked back in the house.
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post #23 of 34 (permalink) Old 06-05-2016, 02:45 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

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Originally Posted by kristin2349 View Post
I'm sorry you are dealing with this OP.

Your situation reminds me of @Nomorebeans , hopefully she will see the tag and pop in with some advice. She has dealt with it better than I ever could have.
Thanks, Kristin!

But I don't know that I have dealt with it all that well, honestly. I hate the thought of my son spending any amount of time with my ex's AP, with whom my ex now lives 10 minutes away from us, but I don't say anything to either of them about that. My son (14 years old) doesn't like spending time with her, either - he says she's nice enough to him, but that it's "awkward and weird" being with his Dad when she's there, too.

He really only stays with them if I have to go out of town for work or an extended family thing, which fortunately is not that often, or every once in a great while when my ex is off from work and he is off from school. He's going to be spending tonight with them, in fact, and I feel slightly sick about it. He doesn't really want to, but his Dad has made him feel like he kind of has to every once in a while. While I think he's wrong to do that, to his credit, he at least is trying to remain a regular part of his life. And is at least is "sensitive" enough to limit the amount of time he has to be around her. He'll come pick him up at around dinner time today, and they'll meet her out for dinner somewhere near where they live, then go back to their house separately. My ex and son will watch the basketball game together while she does something else. Then, they'll go to bed, they'll do something in the morning without her, and he'll drop him back off here later in the day while I'm at work.

I don't know this woman and have never met her. Kind of hope I never have to, but they've now been living together since last September, and although my ex has actually complained about her to me fairly recently, I don't imagine they'll be ending things any time soon. I've at least never had to pick our son up or drop him off at "their" house - my ex has always done all that.

I hate her. I really do. I'm tired of people telling me it's my ex I should be angry with, not her. I know I should be angry with him, and I am. Furious, really. But I hate her, too. She continued to actively pursue him when he was trying to cool things off with her before I found out about her, knowing full well he was long-married with a young teenage son. I think she's a selfish wh0re who was so desperate to not be alone (she was widowed when she met my ex) that she was more than willing to take someone else's husband and f*** up his young son's life. That's not a good person. I still believe that if I ever ran into her socially, I'd be hard-pressed not to punch her right in the face, let alone be civil and gracious. (But, in all reality, I probably would at least be civil - it's not really in my nature to be violent or even just b!tchy, even when it's sorely deserved.)

I'm sorry your kids are going through this. I'm sorry my kid is going through this. Don't ever beat yourself up for being angry with your ex and this - person - he is with now. You have every right to be. And I'm certainly not going to tell you what you should and shouldn't share with your own kids. Many people tried to tell me how I should never badmouth my ex or his GF to my son. I actually don't, but not because they told me so - because I know my son, and I know it would upset him to know how really seethingly angry I still am with both of them. Instead, I try never to mention her to him at all - kind of like not dignifying her existence with any acknowledgement or response. And he doesn't mention her to me. Maybe we're just a couple of fools living in Denial Land, I don't know. I've let him know that if he ever wants to talk about how he feels about it all, he can always come to me, and he says he knows he can. That's about all I can do, other than try to stay positive and strong, so he always knows he can count on me.

But this all really, really sucks. I feel for you and your kids. I especially understand your feeling that it's the life you used to have (and the future you thought you would have) that you miss - not the man. Right there with you. My ex didn't just remove himself from my life - he took away the dream I had of spending the rest of my life with this person I thought was my best friend and who would always have my back, and who I was willing to take care of in his old age. But the thing is, he wasn't my best friend - he wasn't my friend at all. He slept next to someone for 26 years that he never really knew at all. I realize now that I did the same. It may not sound like it should, but it helps to know that.
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post #24 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 04:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Accepting the other woman

As it turns out I didn't have to worry at all. The romance was quite short lived. Everyone I knew said it wouldn't last and I didn't think it would, but sure thought it would last a lot longer than it did. My son did end up meeting her and hated her and then a few weeks later they were done. I have to say I found enjoyment in having my son talk about how disgusting he found her.

I'm not worried about the next woman. I know there will be challenges and it may be tough, but I just don't think any new relationship would be as difficult as being with the person he cheated on me with.
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post #25 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 05:18 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

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As it turns out I didn't have to worry at all. The romance was quite short lived. Everyone I knew said it wouldn't last and I didn't think it would, but sure thought it would last a lot longer than it did. My son did end up meeting her and hated her and then a few weeks later they were done. I have to say I found enjoyment in having my son talk about how disgusting he found her.

I'm not worried about the next woman. I know there will be challenges and it may be tough, but I just don't think any new relationship would be as difficult as being with the person he cheated on me with.
This is good news, that it ended. Sounds like you did the right thing by leaving this jerk. What cheaters tend to realize when they try to have a relationship and no longer have to sneak around, is that they are both cheaters lol And there's no trust there. Prayers for you to stay strong during this tough time. ((hug))

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post #26 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 10:38 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

Bit late to the show here, but I'm glad to hear the relationship didn't last. My ex heading towards the ten-year anniversary with the affair partner (four of those were while married to me!) and they show no signs of stopping, so I still have to send my children over there and pretend not to mind. They were very young when we split so they could not refuse to go.

Instead, I get to deal with awkward kid questions, like "you don't like AP, do you?"

Quote:
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I hope my recovery happens soon. Even though I don't want him back and completely realize how twisted and toxic our relationship was, it's still gut wrenching. To know I was replaced with such a morally vacant woman is just intolerable.
I am posting because I wanted to address this. Your ex couldn't possibly have replaced you with a moral and upstanding woman, so she had to be a PoS. It's no reflection on anything to do with you, and everything about the type of woman who would pursue a married man. Don't waste space in your head on it any longer.
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post #27 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 07:25 AM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

In my mind, who ever he meets from this point on, is just who ever he meets. Maybe you'll like her, maybe you won't, but she won't have the stench of OW on her.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #28 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 09:16 AM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

You could even have pity for a new woman. Nobody knows better than you what a pos she'll be getting.
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post #29 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 09:18 AM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

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You could even have pity for a new woman. Nobody knows better than you what a pos she'll be getting.
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That is the mature way of seeng it.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #30 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 09:24 AM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

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You could even have pity for a new woman. Nobody knows better than you what a pos she'll be getting.
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That's how I feel if I ever have the opportunity. The OW is truly as much of a POS as my ex, and it makes me sick to my stomach that she gets to spend time with people I still love. I am not a hateful person, but I will forever remain hopeful that my ex will do to her what they did to me... Simply so I can let go of her and feel sorry for the next one.


~Just breathe.
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