Accepting the other woman - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #31 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 08:31 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

Wow. I haven't been here in awhile and when I saw the number of replies, I thought you'd all have it covered.

I disagree with the sentiments of these posts of being combative with her. You don't have to be drinking buddies by any means and I totally get everything is still raw and you are healing but you will know you are totally healed when you are "cool" with her.

I realize every marriage is different and every divorce is different so applying my own frame of reference to the matter is probably futile but I am sure there was some emotional cheating at the end (at least) with my ex-spouse and I am totally cool with the other guy. I actually like him (and yes, to some degree feel sorry for him) and like how he contributes to my kids lives. He's handy; I'm not. I"m more the health nut kinda dad doing sports. He's not.

It's all cool. You have to become comfortable with who you are and what you bring to the kids table, which I am sure is a lot.

You should look at it from the frame of reference of "How can she contribute to my kid's lives?" at this point. . .at least TRY to focus on that the next few months. Man, I haven't been here in awhile but I truly hope this hasn't morphed into a "Bitter First Wives Club" of some kind. I'd be disappointed because I don't think it's productive.

I'm sorry for your agony; I wouldn't wish divorce upon my worst enemy.


And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.
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post #32 of 34 (permalink) Old 08-11-2016, 08:38 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

Q: Do I even have to accept her?

A: You don't HAVE to do anything in life. This is a free country still. I'd like to reframe your original question to

Q: "Is it in my best interest to accept her?"

A: Yes.

Q: How do you get past this?

A: Again, like I said. . .by focusing on what she brings to the table for your kids. I know you probably don't know much about her, but as kids spend time with her, they'll maybe volunteer something. Like, "XXXX really likes to cook; she let me help." If you don't really cook, well there ya go. . .you say (even if rehearsed). . ."You know. . .I am glad you had someone to show you cooking. I'm more of a baker. What does she like to cook?" And go from there.

Slowly, you'll begin to accept her.

And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.
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post #33 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 04:05 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scannerguard View Post
Q: Do I even have to accept her?

A: You don't HAVE to do anything in life. This is a free country still. I'd like to reframe your original question to

Q: "Is it in my best interest to accept her?"

A: Yes.

Q: How do you get past this?

A: Again, like I said. . .by focusing on what she brings to the table for your kids. I know you probably don't know much about her, but as kids spend time with her, they'll maybe volunteer something. Like, "XXXX really likes to cook; she let me help." If you don't really cook, well there ya go. . .you say (even if rehearsed). . ."You know. . .I am glad you had someone to show you cooking. I'm more of a baker. What does she like to cook?" And go from there.

Slowly, you'll begin to accept her.
The OP has since come back and said that her ex and the OW have broken up, but in the meantime, her son met her and volunteered that she was "disgusting."

I've tried to focus on the positive when my son has spent time with my ex and the OW he left me for, if I've mentioned her at all. I asked him after the most recent time what they had for dinner. He said it was something she made. I asked him if she likes to cook. His answer was "She seems to, but she's not very good at it." He volunteered another time that she tries to be nice, but is "socially awkward."

What does she bring to the table? She's the mother of two grown daughters who barely speak to her - my ex has volunteered that information to me. He also volunteered that she "raised them all wrong - like they were entitled princesses." So, forgive me if I sound like a member of The Bitter First Wives' Club, but I don't think she brings a whole lot.
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post #34 of 34 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:22 AM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

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Originally Posted by hopeful101 View Post
The "just a friend" turned out to be what I thought it was, ex-husband is now openly dating her. I anticipate they'll marry. It seems so new to our kids, but in reality they've been dating for almost 3 years at this point. All during our supposed reconciliation, couples counseling. I finalized the divorce because I didn't think she would ever be out of the picture and friend or not I wanted her out of his life.

As anyone can imagine I'm angry. I think I have all the normal reactions of not wanting to ever see her and not wanting my kids around her. Neither want anything to do with her right now, but I'm sure that will change. Kind of has to if they want a relationship with their dad and i understand that.

I've already heard you should be mad at him not her. She wasn't silent and in the background through all of this. She was pretty blatant about quite a bit even going so far as to tell my daughter that I was the one cheating not her and my ex, so I do have a lot of very negative feelings toward her.

I feel that I'm being forced to accept her and I really am struggling tremendously with that. It just seems so unfair to have lied and betrayed and hurt me then basically just pour salt in to the wound. I feel that I wouldn't be a good mom if I didn't put my feelings aside and just accept it all, but I can't even imagine being friendly with her or even polite.

How do you get past this? Do I even have to accept her? I realize it will be more difficult for family, but honestly I have no intention of sharing holidays with her. To see others be nice to her which I know they have to would just make my blood boil at this point.
Let the folks on TAM hate her for you? Because I do. I really can't stand cheaters, and it takes two!!!
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