Accepting the other woman - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 11:47 AM Thread Starter
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Accepting the other woman

The "just a friend" turned out to be what I thought it was, ex-husband is now openly dating her. I anticipate they'll marry. It seems so new to our kids, but in reality they've been dating for almost 3 years at this point. All during our supposed reconciliation, couples counseling. I finalized the divorce because I didn't think she would ever be out of the picture and friend or not I wanted her out of his life.

As anyone can imagine I'm angry. I think I have all the normal reactions of not wanting to ever see her and not wanting my kids around her. Neither want anything to do with her right now, but I'm sure that will change. Kind of has to if they want a relationship with their dad and i understand that.

I've already heard you should be mad at him not her. She wasn't silent and in the background through all of this. She was pretty blatant about quite a bit even going so far as to tell my daughter that I was the one cheating not her and my ex, so I do have a lot of very negative feelings toward her.

I feel that I'm being forced to accept her and I really am struggling tremendously with that. It just seems so unfair to have lied and betrayed and hurt me then basically just pour salt in to the wound. I feel that I wouldn't be a good mom if I didn't put my feelings aside and just accept it all, but I can't even imagine being friendly with her or even polite.

How do you get past this? Do I even have to accept her? I realize it will be more difficult for family, but honestly I have no intention of sharing holidays with her. To see others be nice to her which I know they have to would just make my blood boil at this point.

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post #2 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 11:56 AM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

Well, you've taken an important step, which is choosing to finalize the divorce and accept that she is in his life. I know the pain of "supposed" reconciliation and counseling, since my h couldn't make the break and I thought he was back in the marriage, and he wasn't. H's OW is a harpy who pulls strings. She's very vocal about what she and will not accept from him and controls him and manipulates him and she's an adolescent in a 45-year-old body.

So you've taken the first step, and the pathway, the journey, to healing and acceptance is made one step at a time, with an occasional roadblock or detour on the way. She sounds about as evil as my h's OW, in that I can't believe the wh0re told you daughter you were the one cheating (classic projection from your ex-h, par for the course for a cheater).

Be mad at whomever, be mad about the situation, but just feel what you feel. Anger is liberating. You don't have to accept her. "I feel that I wouldn't be a good mom if I didn't put my feelings aside and just accept it all." You can be a good mom and be true to your feelings of anger and pain, and also not let it affect your kids and their relationship with their dad. You don't have to be polite or friendly to the wh0re, but I am sure you will learn to be civil and limit the opportunities to have to be so.

Hang in. Others with better advice and more experience will show up to support you, but I just wanted to acknowledge your pain.
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post #3 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 12:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Accepting the other woman

Thank you. They are both adolescents in 45 yr old bodies. I can relate to your situation. A few times he had tried to separate himself and she would just go after him again, texting, calling, even came to our house once I don't think she realized I was there at the time. He wasn't answering her texts so she went to find him. Ultimately I just had to let go. I don't want anyone who is going to let another woman cause problems. She wasn't stopping and he wasn't stopping her.

All the realities are setting in though, we have kids so I can't just totally have nothing to do with him/them. My youngest at least will eventually have to spend time with her. Right now she's refusing to leave my home. I assume that will change once she heals a bit. Summer vacations are coming and we had our usual spots with friends and now this wretched person is going to be taking my place. Often I think that I'm grieving more for my life as I knew it than I am for the loss of him. Living on my own now for 9 months, I can't think of one time where I thought wish my ex was here, I miss him. It's more the life, the loss of family as I knew it. It's still a huge loss even if I am actually finding myself glad to be out of the relationship with him.
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post #4 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 12:31 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

I'm sorry you are dealing with this OP. Your situation reminds me of @Nomorebeans , hopefully she will see the tag and pop in with some advice. She has dealt with it better than I ever could have.
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post #5 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 12:38 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

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Originally Posted by hopeful101 View Post
The "just a friend" turned out to be what I thought it was, ex-husband is now openly dating her. I anticipate they'll marry. It seems so new to our kids, but in reality they've been dating for almost 3 years at this point. All during our supposed reconciliation, couples counseling. I finalized the divorce because I didn't think she would ever be out of the picture and friend or not I wanted her out of his life.

As anyone can imagine I'm angry. I think I have all the normal reactions of not wanting to ever see her and not wanting my kids around her. Neither want anything to do with her right now, but I'm sure that will change. Kind of has to if they want a relationship with their dad and i understand that.

I've already heard you should be mad at him not her. She wasn't silent and in the background through all of this. She was pretty blatant about quite a bit even going so far as to tell my daughter that I was the one cheating not her and my ex, so I do have a lot of very negative feelings toward her.

I feel that I'm being forced to accept her and I really am struggling tremendously with that. It just seems so unfair to have lied and betrayed and hurt me then basically just pour salt in to the wound. I feel that I wouldn't be a good mom if I didn't put my feelings aside and just accept it all, but I can't even imagine being friendly with her or even polite.

How do you get past this? Do I even have to accept her? I realize it will be more difficult for family, but honestly I have no intention of sharing holidays with her. To see others be nice to her which I know they have to would just make my blood boil at this point.
You don't ever accept this....why should you. What you do is wait for your smile moment. It will come...

They statistically have like 1% chance of making it long term. They started as an affair, second marriage, kids from pervious realtionships involved.... I mean they have no shot. When their lives crumple you get to go told ya so. Just work on you an wait for it.
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post #6 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 12:53 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

You don't have to accept anything or anyone you do not wish to. At least, that's my personal belief.

If you're trying to make things look accepted (for appearances sake) I'd also be hesitant to recommend this.

How you feel about it is valid. Your kids(s) are welcome to feel how they do about it. Your ex H is welcome to feel how he does about it. Just don't try to influence anyone but yourself. Owning how you feel is the most healthy form of self-validation IMO and is a form of speaking your truth.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #7 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 03:23 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

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You don't have to accept anything or anyone you do not wish to. At least, that's my personal belief.

If you're trying to make things look accepted (for appearances sake) I'd also be hesitant to recommend this.

How you feel about it is valid. Your kids(s) are welcome to feel how they do about it. Your ex H is welcome to feel how he does about it. Just don't try to influence anyone but yourself. Owning how you feel is the most healthy form of self-validation IMO and is a form of speaking your truth.
I totally agree with this. I cannot EVER imagine putting on a smiley face for someone elses sake about something like this. Everyone within a 100 mile radius would know exactly what I thought of the matter. Including my kids. How old are yours?
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post #8 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 03:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Accepting the other woman

My kids are 14 and 18. My 18 yr old has already made it clear he disapproves, but loves his dad, and will eventually accept this, but for right now wants nothing to do with her. My youngest wants to live with me full time now. She said she never wants to have anything to do with her and will never live with her. Unfortunately for me as you can imagine this is all my fault. I made the kids angry. They are teens, and smart ones and certainly have their own thoughts.

I have heard the statement they will fail a lot from people who know all of us involved. Probably true. She definitely is not someone I could ever see him being with. They have no empathy for others it's all self gratification. She is basically exactly like him looking to fill a need from suffering with low self esteem.

I hope I don't have to wait long for the I told you so.
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post #9 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 03:57 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

I agree with why would you have to accept this. Why does your daughter for that matter. She is no dummy, she can see her father chose a home wrecker over his family. She may not get over it until that woman is out of the picture and who could blame her. Her dad shouldn't, he made HIS choice now he gets to live with it. When people willingly throw their family away they have to live with their selfish choices...you don't.
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post #10 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 04:14 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

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I hope I don't have to wait long for the I told you so.
Don't wait, accept that they got what they deserved, each other. If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you. It is likely to happen, but it is just as likely you will never hear about it.

You do not need to accept her. What sucks is that if he stays with her, your kids will need to either accept her presence or not see their father.

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post #11 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 04:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Accepting the other woman

Yes, that really bothers me. Take my anger out of the scenarios, this is still not someone I want my teenage daughter exposed to. I've had people who know us, her, including one of my daughter's teachers tell me variations of the same advice, do whatever necessary to keep your daughter away from her, she's bad news.
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post #12 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 05:23 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

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Unfortunately for me as you can imagine this is all my fault. I made the kids angry.
What is your fault? I don't understand.

Your kids are old enough to know exactly how you feel. You have to refrain from telling them how they should feel, and emphasize to them that they should make their own decisions about things, but it sounds like they already have and that they agree with you.

You, and your kids, have every right to tell your ex that they will not spend time with her, and that if he wants to see them she must not attend. And if she ends up there and the kids don't like it, they can call you to come get them right away and cut their visit with their father short. And make sure your kids know that you will ask no questions if they do call you to come get them, and that they need to keep the lines of communication with you totally open and not let their dad intimidate them in any way.
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post #13 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 05:54 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

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The "just a friend" turned out to be what I thought it was, ex-husband is now openly dating her. I anticipate they'll marry. It seems so new to our kids, but in reality they've been dating for almost 3 years at this point. All during our supposed reconciliation, couples counseling. I finalized the divorce because I didn't think she would ever be out of the picture and friend or not I wanted her out of his life.
Good for you in enforcing your boundaries.

Quote:

I've already heard you should be mad at him not her. She wasn't silent and in the background through all of this. She was pretty blatant about quite a bit even going so far as to tell my daughter that I was the one cheating not her and my ex, so I do have a lot of very negative feelings toward her.
You know, I've done a lot of thinking about this. Yes, be angry at him. He's the one who betrayed you. But it's so much easier to hate her, because you don't have any conflicting emotions. With him, you have these strong memories and associations, so your feelings aren't as black and white.

With her, it's simple. You know her as the POS she is. And don't know or need to know another thing about her.

At least that has been my experience.

Quote:

I feel that I'm being forced to accept her and I really am struggling tremendously with that. It just seems so unfair to have lied and betrayed and hurt me then basically just pour salt in to the wound. I feel that I wouldn't be a good mom if I didn't put my feelings aside and just accept it all, but I can't even imagine being friendly with her or even polite.

How do you get past this? Do I even have to accept her? I realize it will be more difficult for family, but honestly I have no intention of sharing holidays with her. To see others be nice to her which I know they have to would just make my blood boil at this point.

Depends on what you mean by accept her. You don't have to invite her to tea or go and spend time with her. You don't actually have to engage with her at all.

But in terms of not accepting that she may be in your kids lives? Well yeah, you have to accept that eventually or it will make you crazy.

And no you absolutely don't share holidays with her. You have your holidays with your family. What you have to do is be gracious when your kids spend holidays with your ex his POS new gf. That's going to hurt, but it's the right thing to do for your kids.
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post #14 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-12-2016, 12:33 PM
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Re: Accepting the other woman

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It just seems so unfair to have lied and betrayed and hurt me then basically just pour salt in to the wound.
Yup. It's completely unfair. 100% agree. They both fvcked you over. You got dealt a bad hand. Life's a marathon not a sprint. Always remember that. Make sure YOU win in the end. However you define winning, is up to you. Just make it happen.

Good luck.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #15 of 34 (permalink) Old 05-12-2016, 03:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Accepting the other woman

For sure. Several close friends have told me over and over, the best revenge will be to be happy, and healthy, and find someone else who treats you right.

Thanks for the support!

I realize that yes, I'll have to accept that the kids will have to be around her if they want to be around their dad, but I have no intention of doing so. I do realize that this will keep me from seeing my ex in-laws whom I adore, but it is what it is at this point. I just can not be around her. I'll just have to see them during non holiday times and on my own.

There were huge control issues in our marriage and I'm having a very hard time letting that go. I know that's a huge part of this that he's so angry and making me feel like I'm wrong. It's just a part of me at this point that I'm trying very hard to change. It was/is really just the ex, well, and his therapist who were very sure that I had to accept the POS and help the kids to welcome her. He and the kids had a family session. The kids told me about the session. They both refuse to go back.
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