Crossroads III: The Launch - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 80 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 10:45 AM Thread Starter
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Crossroads III: The Launch

Previous threads

Is this Normal to Fell this Way?

Crossroads: Sink or Swim

Crossroads II: The Way

Crossroads III: The Launch

Anyone recall how you felt when you first rode a bicycle? We all were scared to death at first, we might fall. Falling is the worst thing in the world, but is it? We ride, we fall but we get back on that damn bike. We get scared to go over 10mph yet not long after, we are topping 50-60mph. What if you fall then..... what if you don't though? Is it "No Fear," fear, or some fear.

Few things have occurred over the last 4-5 months. I'll try to touch on a few. Save a few for later. I am engaged to be married this July. She is from Russia, 23, wants to toast a fifth of Vodka on our honeymoon. She said all she wants is seven kids, endless Vodka, hammer, sickle, and a tractor. Just kidding..... Seriously.... I have had to say goodbye to a few long term friends. One was a female, not my former IC / best female friend but both of us know this female. She and I hung out often way back in the day. We actually went out once 25 years ago, her cousin came along.... we all had a blast! But this gal thought I was flirting with her younger cousin.... I actually had an interest in this female friend but she had it in her mind I wanted her cousin. Still... later on... year / two later we did hang out in groups. She met a guy and for a number of years, she wasn't allowed to stay in touch with any of her friends..... even her female friends. They divorced... shocker huh?

They separated about a year before XW and I started our spiral. I would back chat with her (XW / Window Cork knew, even told her to talk to WC.... y'know females can relate to each other, etc.) while she went through her divorce. Well... until she decided to bang all the guys she could and well, offered it up to me. I declined, told WC and stopped back chatting. I guess a year passed.... she heard about my separation. We back chatted some.... she had started seeing a guy who wasn't ready yet but she kept pressuring him and she couldn't understand why he was pulling away (DUH). The first sign of me wanting to pull back and cut her off was her statement -Boy you don't let the damn ink dry before you're seeing another female- ... Yes I was seeing UG / 4th love before the D final. My reply -That's awful funny given the fact you were screwing guys not only before you were D, not only before you filed, not only before your D-Day but only after you told him 'yawl have issues.'- Enter her anger dump and my WTFE reply.

Fast forward to late 2014. Anyone remember CalGal? They worked for the same organization but different locales. She was pizzed at her "pretend b/f" (he wouldn't commit but wanted to date) and when she heard about me / CalGal, she was telling me how I "mistreated her and used her" and my reply.... just as how your pretend b/f does you huh? I don't do anger dumps. Another rant.... I stated -you are entitled to your opinion and so am i- I did not defriend her but I stopped back chatting with her. This was just after her learning UG and I split. When she asked what happened, I told her UG and I are through, I wanted it to work but she thought just showing up was enough and we agreed she needed to move out. Here it came.... you are so insensitive, you use people, you are making her homeless. My reply.... Just because you are pizzed at your pretend b/f does not give you any damn right to dump your schit on me a$$hole. She always likes to get the last word in but "I'm sorry you feel that way" does shut her up. After these two recent incidences... I was very tempted to defriend but out of respect for our long term friendship, I just stopped chatting with her. Oh... why was she mad? Her pretend b/f's Christmas gift to her was a NHL game in Nashville.... his favorite team. I could see why she was upset but.... dump on him, not me.

The last straw came around January.... my former IC / best female friend was just told about me having cancer and "ibedamned" she run off and told her. I'm a private person.... just because I tell someone something doesn't mean I want it on the damn airwaves. If I want people to know, I WILL TELL THEM. Anyway... we spoke for the first time in back chat in over a year. She asked about 1st love (thanks former IC), me... and mom. She had messaged me when she learned about mom back in September (again thanks former IC) but I never responded. She was upset I set up boundaries with my mom (her mom died around 15 years prior) and called me out. That was it for me.... to para-phrase "You unleash your anger on others because your own life is miserable and turned upside down and a 25 year friend would give support and empathy in times of turmoil. You have not done this at all for a good while. Best we call it now. Have a nice life." Defriended and blocked. 25 year friends you can count on one hand most of the time.... but it was long overdue.

The other who I had to walk away from was my high school / college running buddy. We were best friends.... we were very close for years. Females probably can't understand this dynamic but guys... you know exactly what I'm talking about. We would drag race, drink, hang out.... we even double dated when myself and 1st love were together and his future W (and XW) was close friends with 1st love. I was best man at his wedding in '92. He (we can call him TB) was there when 1st love and I broke up the first time back in '90.... first time 2nd love and I broke up in '94.... which was exactly when he and his W separated. The Fall '94 was rough for both of us... but we did learn..... what about doing the crazy stuff we used to do. No we weren't arrested but we probably should have a few times.....

He ended up dating an older woman the next year.... one he at first despised. Then she's moving in with him. I was -WTFH- We still hung out... until his new g/f began to get jealous and asked if we were -"butt buddies"- LOL I told him just do what you need to do if she's jealous and we can hang out after that schit goes away. We would hang out later but at his / her place. His g/f heard our old war stories and was scared if we started hanging out again *eyeroll* The main nail came a long time ago.....

In 1997 I was looking to invest in a duplex. I told TBs 2nd W about it (she just started selling real estate) and she said "when you find what you like, call me" YEAH..... this other guy in real estate busted his arse finding me something in my price range and...... he got the buyer. When I told TB.... he put his W on the phone and yes.... I got an ass chewing. I had her put TB back on.... "Your W sat on her GDamn dead arse and was not going to do a thing until I.....I found something, then walk in and get her commission. Is THAT what you and her think of me?" TB wanted to say something but I'm sure I knew who was standing right beside him tapping her feet. This action caused enough damage.... it never was even remotely close to how things were between us.

We did talk quite a bit when I was considering D'ing WC back in 2002. We chatted for hours one night after my 2012 D-Day. We did chat.... just nothing like before....they had no kids (hers were teens when they met). He eventually got into real estate... and when we would talk, every time he would approach me on a "deal of a lifetime." To me.... you don't do that type of schit to a "blood brother." It wasn't once or twice... it was every damn time.
We were chatting one day and I told him about my mom. Within five minutes, -deal of a lifetime- "Y'know TB... we were and in some ways will always be blood brothers but I am so Gdamn sick and tired of your angles. You know what pop did so I'm the last person you want to try and shovel BS through. See it for what it is... take care."

Cutting him out.... hurt... 100x more than the female I mentioned. The difference is... I am 110% done with the female friend, regardless. I'd still answer a call from TB at 4AM or if he showed up at my door in the middle of the night. That's where the blood comes in....

Are you here to help me or hinder me.... or as in TBs case... or to view me as a walking commission payout?


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #2 of 80 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 11:25 AM
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Re: Crossroads III: The Launch

Are you drunk? If not, what is the point of this thread, please?
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post #3 of 80 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 11:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Crossroads III: The Launch

Ummmm.... reflection. Thanks for your input.....

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #4 of 80 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 11:43 AM
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Re: Crossroads III: The Launch

Thanks. Just a thought - I've found it wise to always tell someone when I'm speaking in confidence. Otherwise, people enjoy sharing news (gossiping).
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post #5 of 80 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 11:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Crossroads III: The Launch

Have you read any of my past threads? I don't exactly give information in an orderly fashion. Why? It is my thread. This is what I chose for the first post.... you don't like it, start a thread saying how wrong I was.

I do not suit / tailor my threads for anyone's benefit but my own. What's wrong... no drama involved? No cheating? Oh wait.... just simple emotion. But that doesn't make Entertainment Tonight now does it?

IDGAF.... Obviously I am not here for your amusement... or others with like minded thoughts. Simply peruse other threads and....... traverse along.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #6 of 80 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 12:13 PM
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Re: Crossroads III: The Launch

No problem. This is a message board, though, not a journal.
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post #7 of 80 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 02:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Crossroads III: The Launch

That's awful funny..... I have seen thousands of people call their threads journals. Many were recommended to in their early stages by..... posters already here! WOW!

Some stay on the same thread forever. Some choose to close out old threads and start new ones. Problem with users doing this?

Saying goodbye to two old friends meant a lot to me, obviously it did not mean a thing to you. Your prerogative... no need to bash those who feel it was important. View topics in LaD over the past six months...

There will be much touched on..... my FWBs, a new perspective on my parents, the disinigration of my relationship with my mom -which was great for 40+ years, financial issues, just to mention a few.

But no cheating, no spouse sneaking under the stairway to get some while the other is glued to Dancing with the Stars. Sorry I could not bring enough drama to suit your / whoever else's needs.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #8 of 80 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 09:18 AM
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Re: Crossroads III: The Launch

Subbing to the "journal".

Sometimes rehashing memory is necessary to grow, so that when they come up again, you can handle the negative implications better.

Personal Goals for 2016
#Start dating = Check
#Write down what I want for long term = Check
#Find a way to live in a healthy happy relationship. = Working on it.
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post #9 of 80 (permalink) Old 05-31-2016, 11:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Crossroads III: The Launch

It took a bit of time but I was able to become C, F, D with mom. Her outbursts still have the same six week pattern. She still tries to tell me what her worthless sister is doing but not as often. Mom still has trouble keeping any type of food down. This makes her very wary of eating in public. For her birthday I offered to either cook or get to-go anything she wanted. I was held up in traffic and was about 20 minutes late getting to her place. "xxxxx (ex aunt) is going to be here in a minute with some food." I looked at her with a WTF emotion. "You have to be schitting me."

I hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, wished her a happy birthday and said we can celebrate tomorrow. She was upset I was leaving. I made it 110% clear.... I have no desire to be around her sister. Mom is very aware of this. I have no clue why mom did this.... she doesn't either. She had a semi-outburst but understood why and where I stand with ex aunt. Ex aunt must have a new phone #, she called me later that evening. VM..... g/f screened it, blocked her new #. Some people just need repetition before they understand.

On a good note, Mother's Day was very nice. Again mom is wary of going anywhere. She wanted fast food (has better chance of keeping it down)... not exactly my choice but it was her day. She asked me to stop at a "knic-nac" store... went in and was almost the person she was pre-heart attack and mini strokes. I would love to hold out the hope of her getting back to her old self but.... that is a fool's game. She has moments of clarity and I try to be there when they take place. Her main problem is short term memory, she still recalls instances 30, 50 years ago. This is common with people in her condition.

I was enjoying the positive rapport we were having but.... was just waiting for her next outburst. She called an ambulance and was admitted into the hospital. The fact she could not successfully eat was again irritating her. She felt her PCP was not doing enough to find out why (she changed PCPs... I tried to get her to back in November, took her until March to do it). Told her to call me if she needs me for anything. Next day.... was going to visit her, she told me her sister was up there. I told her I will come by when she leaves. When mom called she was upset, she run her sister off and told me it was best I didn't come.... being she was upset and she remembered how she acted towards me the last time she was in ICU. She called me later that night to tell me to be ready to come pick her up the next morning after they run a test.

I'm not a Dr. but I don't think they dismiss you from ICU, you get a room for a day or so, then dismiss. I called her nurse and she stated they were planning on keeping her for a few days to run several tests. I knew a dark cloud was forming. The fact mom called eight times through the night trying to tell me they dismissed her.... at 2AM....was all the proof I needed. Around 11AM.... the nurse called, asking me to come up and try to calm her down. I flat out told her no. The nurse was shocked. I told the nurse if I come up there, mom will get worse because I don't take her schit, I'll just leave. I did ask if a 4'7 Co-D, passive-aggressive, 4x divorcee troll has been up there. She knew exactly who I was talking about. Mom's Dr. (not PCP) called me, told me these tests are important but could not sedate her. So in other words, she was now, my problem. LSS..... I came to get her and take her back to her apartment.

When I arrived, I learned mom had called the nurse a "pri@k tease" and a "bleach blonde bimbo"..... mom also said the nurse pulled up a wedding pic of her and pop. Embarrassed to say the least. I walked towards her room..... four security guards were there. Then I saw Yoda.... my 5'4 lil pistol standing between two guys who had to be 6'7. Drove her home... while she screamed and cussed. NC for a few weeks.

Up to date.... she drove out to my place recently. Wanted to cook burgers. N/P ... I'll get what you need. Best @$%%^^^%$ burger I have had in ages. This... like my posts from 2015... are just re-connects, no re-captures. Within several weeks... it will be NC. Almost clockwork. But I really have enjoyed her clarity spells. "I thought you were crazy as he!! that one Christmas when all you said you wanted was to lay your head in my lap and watch Christmas cartoons and eat popcorn for Christmas.... like we did when you were little. I understand why you did that now."

Mom Psycho / Mom Socrates ..... still one in the same.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #10 of 80 (permalink) Old 05-31-2016, 11:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Crossroads III: The Launch

Quote:
Originally Posted by hope4family View Post
Subbing to the "journal".

Sometimes rehashing memory is necessary to grow, so that when they come up again, you can handle the negative implications better.
Just updating my thread since December. Thread, post, journal... all one in the same. A writer who does not reflect, damages his / her ability to utilize their talents.

No matter how true or how long a friend has been... when they become more of a negative influence, one must act accordingly. My viewpoint on things have changed since I started my last thread... three years ago. New outlook, new thread. Not so hard to do.


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #11 of 80 (permalink) Old 05-31-2016, 12:24 PM
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Re: Crossroads III: The Launch

Can you summarize your earlier threads in 4 or 5 sentences?
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post #12 of 80 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 01:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Crossroads III: The Launch

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Can you summarize your earlier threads in 4 or 5 sentences?
Well..... Is it Normal to Fell this Way and Crossroads Sink or Swim are from late 2012 to early 2013. Short, blunt, to the point. Somewhat like 50 and 150 posts total. Crossroads II is a bit different. I touch on my mom, dad, my childhood, issues with pop, my BSC adventures as a kid, my four loves, and my other 10-12 almost loves. Oh... and my journeys to "the lake." Why the lake? Ain't no ocean nearby or I'd be there.

If you want relationship angles... check out the first two, mostly about my XW. If you want to know about "me" check out the last one. No drama, no BS, just simple truths. Well there was a bit of drama with 4th love but.... was accepted, mourned, dealt with.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #13 of 80 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 05:55 AM
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Re: Crossroads III: The Launch

Keep journaling bro. Don't let anyone dissuade you. Much of the same ruminations go on in my brain also. It's healthy.
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post #14 of 80 (permalink) Old 06-03-2016, 12:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Crossroads III: The Launch

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Keep journaling bro. Don't let anyone dissuade you. Much of the same ruminations go on in my brain also. It's healthy.
Thanks Bandit and I would not let a few squawkers keep me from it. This is basically a continuation of the prior, just a different spin. May even post a bit about my novels. Bandit.... post here anytime..... sometimes a T/J is nice.

The main reason I post here is to get crap off my chest. Do I tell my Hangover Crew everything..... no. Some more than others but... sometimes I'm sure they get tired of it.... just like I do one who always gripes about his boss. Here... you can read it, or not. Post on it, or not. Ignore it, or not.

Part of me thinks I am prepared and pre-accepted the fact... my mom is already gone. She is not who I knew for 40 years at all. God knows pop and I had more issues than Sports Illustrated but.... still hurt when he died. Up until last summer... she and I had a strong rapport, fought a bit but that's to be expected.

My FWB has been a great friend, a great ear for listening.... as I have been for her. It's time to either advance this or.... be FWNB. My lecturing gig ended back in December and it helped a lot in covering some of my doctoral expenses. After all the time off I took with mom... they did not ask me back for the Spring. Can't blame them..... but they didn't blame me either. Just bad timing.

There's a crack at the door.... just got to find out what it is.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #15 of 80 (permalink) Old 08-05-2016, 08:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Crossroads III: The Launch

Lawd.... busy last few months. Wanted to mention a couple females before I get to the new one. Had to end things with the FWB. I thoroughly enjoyed our time together. Nothing heavy, just being together and doing things we both liked. She never dragged me to an event that was "chick centered" so I never asked her to attend a car show, fishing shop, or a ball card convention. Psst.... Chuck.... ain't this the type of female most guys want? In a way, it was.... almost every time I spent the day push mowing two acres, there she was.... poured Scotch on the rox, chair laid out on the pool deck, take out from my fav Italian bistro, and as the daylight surrendered to the darkness of night.... full body massage. Yeah.... me gonna miss her!

It got to the point she "wanted" to become dependent on me. I'm not talking about checking her tires, making sure her oil is changed / tires rotated / killing bugs... She wanted to deposit her entire check into my account.... take over the bills, give her an allowance. Granted... male / female have varied roles for the most part in a relationship.... but I'm sorry.... I do not want one who wants ME to think for HER. Massive Co-D. "Your money earned is for you to do with.... we are not M, we are not even living together." I could have taken two weeks of her pay and told her to F-off...... I'm not that way. But there are ones who will and I can see that happening to her. She was 29 when we met in 2015. Yes she wanted kids.... but we never "clicked" .... I questioned her ability to raise children. But when it came to blo jobs, back rubs, Burns and Allen, Green Acres... yeah... was a blast. I had an interview with an upscale company back in the spring.... didn't get the job but on a Sunday, she went all over town (a town she was not familiar with) looking for something to match my "ensemble" .... Offered to, ask to...refused to use the cash I gave her.

Just wasn't in the cards..... She is the type, if you won the lottery, you would set her up on a small trust each month just to help her get by or if she ever reaches individualism, to prosper. She would have fit in perfectly in my parent's generation.... if you had to break her heart.... and you cared.... it probably hurt you more than her. I hope we can remain friends.... but that is up to her. She was an ear piece when mom started her BSC behavior and her F'ed up sister stirring the pot. She was the one listening to the F'ed up VMs they left. We leaned on each other... kinda like what friends do. If we never speak, I truly wish for her to be as happy as she can, in or with whatever she chooses.

Dated a female earlier this year, couple years behind me at same HS. She was friends with my ex running buddy's XW back then. Fresh off a D, 16 years, one child. Just started dating.... she was still angry. We spoke a lot in depth.... told her I clearly understand her anger (her H cheated.... for at least 9 months). We were never serious.... I refused to land in the "post-D anger dating stage." Yes it does make for great sex though! I will never forget her telling me about her rants on FB.... after she found out her STBXH was cheating...... "Everyone is allowed a dumb-a$$ action for every five years of M, you just had one.... you're fine." She quit work when their child became sick, her XH made much more $. He worked 60-80 hours, she cared for the child, SAHM, and watched after her mom who was dying. She felt embarrassed by not working but "Schit.... you were a W to your H, cared for child (scars on child I saw were proof), cared for your mom (her mom and mine had similar anger dumps). I dunno if I could have done that much."

Her parents M about the same time mine did, she grew up on old school. I really liked that. "I don't know if I'm up to your standards for intelligence," she mentioned. "Well the situation you were given.... you did the best you could, with what you were capable of" Yes guys.... I say the very thing about my mom. She took lemons and made lemonade..... quite impressed was I. She was the first to say, being D embarrassed her, like she was a failure..... QFT from me... I guess three years ago. Her fav magazine..... same as mom, her fav dress style..... same as mom. Yeah, kinda weird. Reminded me a lot of nurturing ways.... mom had. Not a helicopter parent, allowed him to make mistakes and learn, just stepped in if it was major. She never crowded me.... well she did once, another story, and attempted to monopolize my time. She loved working in the yard (flowers n stuff) even in hot summer. I mow.... I don't do flowers. Can I pay it to be mowed... yes but that strips me of my image, ties to your land.... yes CA and OR people laugh LOL.... She held the same regard for "girli-fying" the yard. Flowers, plants, do-dads on house, doors... PLEASE have at it. I have no clue and wish not to learn.

She was reluctant for me to meet her son.... I admired that, a huge plus. We met... he knew more about tech stuff at age seven than I do to this day. Anyhow.... we go out to eat.... everything is going fine, I am sure he is on his best behavior LOL ..... I hear "Your daddy don't........." "Your daddy ain't........." "Your daddy shouldn't......." Oh.... his OW, she still refers to her as "the wh0re" in front of her son, age 15. Still anger with her XH...... understandable YES. Enough anger she should convey it to her son.... oh HE!! NO. I flashed back to 2nd love and her mom..... how she turned 2nd love into hating her dad, and tried to turn her little brother.

He moved in with his dad about the time she and I had our first R in 1995. He never returned "home". 2nd love ended up like her mom. after we had our final split in '96, she M first guy that came along (we had same first name, maybe she had a tat I didn't know about lol), D soon after. My potential MiL was encircled with hatred.... pop warned me about these..... she will one day be like her mom. Damn he was 110% right. I saw the same thing transpiring with this new gal. Cut losses..... BTW I am still friends with 2nd love's dad.

New gal potential #5 will be next (God forbid I'm seen as a troll)

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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