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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Life After Divorce » Interested in YOU, how are you all doing?

Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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Old 10-20-2011, 12:34 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Interested in YOU, how are you all doing?

It seems Ive kind of taken up the board here, and just wanted to check in with the rest of the folks dealing with life after divorce. Post a reply, it would be nice to hear your continued success stories...
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Old 10-20-2011, 02:19 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interested in YOU, how are you all doing?

Hi Shoo ((hugs)) well, I have my ups and my downs. Sometimes reading the new members sad stories bring me triggers and I get upset, but I know that I am doing better. My life without him is great. I do still have my off days and the pain of the betrayal is still very real, but so many other things are so much better. I can breathe again. This tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I'm no longer walking around on egg shells in fear of upsetting him. And I can watch whatever the heck I want on the TV. I no longer have to care about the crap that comes out of his mouth and I've been learning to stand up for myself which feels great.
And, I have a date, a real date for this weekend. I am nervous/excited about it. I think this guy honestly likes me (eeeeek!) He's very easy to talk to and he says wonderful things to me. I'm not used to being talked nice to. I'm not used to having someone tell me I'm pretty, I'm not used to just being treated humanly. So, all the nice treatment puts me a bit on edge. I've always wanted a man who would treat me right, who would love me but gosh, if I ever found one, I'm not sure what I would do with him, lol.
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Old 10-20-2011, 02:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interested in YOU, how are you all doing?

I am 2 months out of the house and in my apt. I am getting better each day but sometimes it is still a little difficult but and a big but nothing as painful as it once was.

I was accepted into the LPN program and I start full time in January. Right now I am taking a course on anatomy...test every week, so I study. I started Tai Chi, love it and take my dog for long walks in the morning and evening.

I have not met anyone and I am not ready. Must build up the self-esteem that was whittled away without my awareness. When I am emotionally independent then I will be open to dating.

All in all it is a lot better now that I am in NC (day 65) and never have to see the person. This is not a big town and I have yet to bump into ex so it is very good.

Made friends and I do things with them.

Good Luck to you. I know you have been having a hard time.

And have fun on your date, Apple.
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Old 10-20-2011, 04:36 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interested in YOU, how are you all doing?

Hi all. I am doing quite well. I am 6 months post-divorce and in a much better place. I did stop my IC cause I need a break from that after a looong time of going. My exH wanting to reconcile, told me he doesn't have the same emotional attachment to anyone else as he does to me (really?) and I guess that only occurred to him after Le Divorce. He was telling me he wanted me to move home. So things were going well. And then very very recently I found he was on a dating site. When confronted, he copped to being on another one too and immediately took it down and shared his passwords with me. Said he "didn't know" why he got on those sites. So yeah. It's obviously made me question his sincerity in wanting to reconcile if he was doing that. A major setback. We haven't had contact since then.

Things are good at work for me. I'm on a break from my core schooling currently and I went on a trip across the country recently which was awesome. I have been more of a homebody lately which is great. I signed up for a french cooking that I'm looking forward to. Not dating and have zero desire to. Life is soo much better than it was a year ago, even 6 months ago. Oh and my hair is really long now. I have been debating cutting it but I kinda dig it. That's my life.

Apple--have fun on your date.
Sparkles--good for staying NC & congrats on the LPN program.
Shoo--I hope you are well. Every day gets a lil better. I promise!

Last edited by Jellybeans; 10-20-2011 at 04:41 PM.
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:10 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interested in YOU, how are you all doing?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AppleDucklings View Post
Hi Shoo ((hugs)) well, I have my ups and my downs. Sometimes reading the new members sad stories bring me triggers and I get upset, but I know that I am doing better. My life without him is great. I do still have my off days and the pain of the betrayal is still very real, but so many other things are so much better. I can breathe again. This tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I'm no longer walking around on egg shells in fear of upsetting him. And I can watch whatever the heck I want on the TV. I no longer have to care about the crap that comes out of his mouth and I've been learning to stand up for myself which feels great.
And, I have a date, a real date for this weekend. I am nervous/excited about it. I think this guy honestly likes me (eeeeek!) He's very easy to talk to and he says wonderful things to me. I'm not used to being talked nice to. I'm not used to having someone tell me I'm pretty, I'm not used to just being treated humanly. So, all the nice treatment puts me a bit on edge. I've always wanted a man who would treat me right, who would love me but gosh, if I ever found one, I'm not sure what I would do with him, lol.
Enjoy it...hope it goes well!
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Old 10-21-2011, 10:57 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interested in YOU, how are you all doing?

It's been 8 months since our divorce was finalized, 2 years since he moved out with her, 1 year since they moved across the country together. We still have a huge financial obligation that should be resolved before the end of the year, thus we communicate through email concerning its changing status. His new GF is suspicious of him and has been calling me to try and verify his words (somehow got my phone #). I told him I don't need to talk to her to make her feel more secure and because her values make her a low-life non entity to me.

He has said how he misses us throughout but although his words give me some redemption, in the end they are words. In the last 4 months, he has been remorseful and very apologetic for the a$$hole he has been, admitting his actions were undeserving and cruel. He says he made the biggest mistake of his life, made a mess for me and us, and that he would do anything if he could come back & start a new life together. He even offered to sign a post-nup giving me everything he owns if he were to cheat or lie again.

When I read about those who have been betrayed wanting so much to reconcile, I wonder what percentage want this because they have been hurt so badly and it feels good to know the person you loved so much is paying attention to you again. I catch myself feeling good when he tells me she is a bad catch and he let the best thing in his life go. Then I get down on myself being vulnerable to ego. I know I will always have to be aware of that vulnerability.

The shock of the betrayal left me paralyzed & barely surviving but now I am doing fine, able to be alone, keeping busy with work, the gym, and friends & family. Even though people said it would get better, I never thought I would get here but here I am. I, also, have not dated yet but I'm not devastated and forlorn anymore. It would be nice to find someone who is a loyal trustworthy companion but I don't want to be with someone just because. So I try and dress up everyday, have upbeat optimistic conversations, sing along with the music, and smile as big as I can even when there is no reason to. My children don't worry about me like they did and that's important to me. Still have a ways to go but life is not as complicated as it was several years ago. I am very grateful I made it this far.

I'm still learning (& probably always will) from the posters at TAM and appreciate the opinions & wisdom of all who take the time to share. When I read, I am always impressed with all of you who take the time to reach out to others to help them. After being betrayed, it's nice to know there are very genuine people, both men and women who care sincerely about others....a big genuine thank you hug to all of you.

P.S. My hair is long now too JB!
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Old 10-21-2011, 12:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interested in YOU, how are you all doing?

52, do NOT answer when that slag calls you. At all. Block her. And am sending you a great big hug. You have come a looong way. Your posts used to make me feel so sad because you beat yourself up so much when it was HIM who did not man up and put forth the effort to restore your marriage.
I am very happy for you!!!
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Old 10-21-2011, 01:10 PM   #8 (permalink)
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As much as I would like to share how I feel, I know my words & effort would be wasted on her. I have, though, shared how I feel with him and he agrees that she is selfish and cares only about what she can get out of the world. Not sure if his agreement makes me feel better or not but it's not important.

Like many of you, I have deep empathy for those going through justified anger, sadness, low self-esteem all due to greedy acts of those they loved. I still have down moments, especially when I'm alone, out of the blue remember he chose another over me, and literally feel punched & slaughtered. Yet I know somehow I need to rise above the acts that knocked me over. Maybe some day someone will come into my life who I trust loves me loyally. I hope for that for everyone who wants that special someone who will put them first. Shoo, Sparkles, Lon, Apple, JB, and so many others are deserving of genuine love from someone who would be lucky to be in their lives. In the meantime, all we can do is continue to be good people with good values that cares about right and wrong and fairness.

I think many posters don't realize how much their advice, opinion, even key words help, sometimes at very critical moments. JellyB, when I was struggling & lost, you told me things that gave me a boost to get back into action & to keep moving. My work is still in progress and I hope I don't fall back into old ways that leave me vulnerable to people who care only about their gain. Thanks for your pat on the back; it means a lot to me!
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Old 10-21-2011, 01:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interested in YOU, how are you all doing?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 52flower View Post
JellyB, when I was struggling & lost, you told me things that gave me a boost to get back into action & to keep moving. My work is still in progress and I hope I don't fall back into old ways that leave me vulnerable to people who care only about their gain. Thanks for your pat on the back; it means a lot to me!
Awww! I got teary-eyed reading that- am very glad to hear I was able to offer you some support and words of advice that helped. I was very concerned about you and really pulling for you to come through. I knew you could do it...just needed to see it for yourself so you could rise above all of this and take a stand and realize you are worth so much more than the crumbs he was offering you!!!
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Old 10-22-2011, 12:21 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interested in YOU, how are you all doing?

I am 4 months post divorce now and doing very well. Have not had any demons pop up that needed reconciling. I think at this point that is all behind me. The ex crosses my mind less and less, and when she does I have no emotional response to her.

I am still seeing the same person I was since the last update, tomorrow will be three months that we have been a couple. Having her in my life is amazing and so different than what I was used to.

What makes me happiest though is how together I feel as an individual. I am exercising, eating right, maintaining my finances, pursuing my hobbies, working on my degree(plan to start back next semester) and most importantly fulfilling relationships with friends and family.

Added to that a fantastic lady who has shown me how to be happy just being myself and I can tell you "life is grand."

One step at a time everyone.
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Old 10-22-2011, 08:42 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interested in YOU, how are you all doing?

I am 1 year apart and 10 months post divorce. It was awful at first, but I'm doing surprisingly well now. I don't wake and cry my eyes out every morning or break down when i see her. Actually, I never did that, but it was tough for a while.

Now, there is just a weird feeling. How do you spend 18 years with someone and then part and act like it never happened? It almost feels like I wasted part of my life with her. I don't feel i wasted all aspects of my life for 18 years, just the "relationship" part.

This experience has turned me against relationships. I have no desire to jump into another one; single life is feeling really good. And when I say single, I don't mean swinging single, I mean enjoying life and letting relationships go.
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Old 10-23-2011, 12:17 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interested in YOU, how are you all doing?

Three years later and still some ups and downs. Although I’m not really angry nor resentful at the ex anymore. Frustrations are mostly at myself for still holding back and not quite putting myself out there. Somewhere along the line I became used to, and more fond of the socializing couples do together. I’m figuring out that I am retarded at the single life type of socializing. Probably a big reason why I wind up spending time on a “marriage” forum. Guess I still feel like I can relate to those people better.

On the other hand, my self confidence has soared at doing things on my own. Especially when it comes to mechanically being able to fix things. Yep, even with those things the “manly men" are supposed to fix around the house. I am my own handyman (so to speak) around my house. I’ve even had a few friends ask me to come over and look at something which needed fixing. Two of them are girlfriends whom are married and another is a single guy friend. Go figure! Lately an elderly gentleman friend of the family started passing down those home “Do It Yourself” magazines and books. On a number of occasions he has told me that if I found a few other ladies who were also mechanically inclined, I could open a business and it would be booming in no time. Oh ya, right! Way too many weirdos out there. I’d have to hire body guards to tag along on fix it jobs. You tell me what kind of house call business that would look like then. LOL!!!

Anyhow, good luck to all of you endeavoring into the post-divorce life.
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