No description for the feeling today...

Shooboomafoo · 10-31-2011, 11:30 AM

So Friday I signed all my papers and handed over the generous closing costs check, but didnt get my keys to the house, and wont until the Title company funds their side of the deal.
This weekend still at the marital residence with the exwife, was not a bad one necessarily. We carved pumpkins for halloween, decorated part of the old house for trick-or-treaters. Its kind of hard doing certain "family-like" things these days. I catch myself being happy, but then the thought of "oh yeah, this is not real" crosses my mind, and you can see the smile fade as my eyes fall to the carpet, then perhaps glance over at my child. This is the last time I will mow this lawn.. This is the last time I will sleep in this bed.. This is the last time I will decorate this house for Halloween..
All these "last times". I'm a reflective type of person to a fault, though, and probably cause myself a lot more difficulty than necessary, but with the reflection brings memories and honor to the good times that were.

I still have some friends that were mutual friends of ours on FB, and seeing their parties all going on, pictures, etc. So many of those people seem so fake now. Theres a few newer friends of my exwife's that appear amongst the old friends, and they were detrimental in advising, or at least impressing my exwife to dump our marriage for her "happy freedom".(That of course, being one of worst delusions of hers). Funny how impressing some people who know absolutely nothing about the situation can be given the most credibility, when it suits the purpose. These smiling faces of insanity, most of which during our falling apart marriage, were busy destroying their own lives and the lives of their children. Now, smiling, like demented crazy people who lack any shame whatsoever. How quickly they are absorbed into the old group-of-friends, most likely because they appear happy, and that old group being as desperate as they are, quickly recruit the smiling ones, even when theres a dagger behind that smile.
I came into the old house this Saturday to find my exwife crying on the couch. "Whats wrong" I asked, evidently a small portion of my soul still wouldnt allow me to walk by and point with a "Ha-Ha" like the little fat kid from the Simpsons...
She didnt say anything. She grabbed me and hugged me for several minutes and I gingerly put my arms around her as well. Not wishing to inflect some sense of hope in her, I kept repeating in my mind how just days ago, she went out on a date with her still-secret lover. Ugh, so it begins....
This whole weekend was like that. She kept reaching that point of sadness. It seems that the reality of my getting my own house, and all my things boxed up and ready to go this week, is starting to penetrate the great delusion of escape she has, that up until recently seemed to be the happiest of goals of hers. To be free from mr. controlling, mr. unromantic, mr. bondage....
But nonetheless, come sunday night she came into the kitchen and mentioned she needed to "get away" for awhile, teary eyed and soft.
I guess a quick romp with the my replacement was adequate, because this morning, she was back to stone cold granite.

I ask myself, even as I prepare to begin taking things over to my new house, prepare to begin another chapter of my life where I start out alone and seemingly cast out from the group, cast out from my family, years of blood sweat and tears simply shat out like a bad chinese buffet, how is it I plan to address myself when I am there, and all my things are there, and I sit on my own couch, that I so longingly spent the last eight months wishing would come quickly? How will I see myself in the mirror? Am I a failure? Am I alone? Will I be able to get out there, and meet new people, and start life again? It seems harder when you put such weighty stock in the forming of relationships with "Friends". To have so many walk away all at once. I dont like even the appearance of all of these people so full of amusement and happiness, for it almost feels like it reflects that all the lies about me are being taken as truth. How glad they all are to be rid of me? Lets all wrap our arms around my poor mistreated suffering exwife and console her? Gee, that ex-husband of yours was a real-ass to have forced you into another mans arms. Lets all get drunk and party...
Perhaps I simply put too much weight into the actions of people unworthy of it. Its really sad that it makes for a greatly reduced group of what I once considered close friends.
I find myself feeling kind of banished, you know?

So I try to look forwards, and see myself with all of my stuff in my new house, everything put together, everything in its proper place, at that point where I am my own man again, and feel sort of isolated. Isolated, yes, that is a good word for it.
Not feeling sorry for myself, but more, a sense that I wish I could actually prove the reality of what happened to me to all of these people. As if their perception of me really mattered, but still, I want to do something like print out all the love-texts between my ex and her lover and send a copy to all of these people so willing to shun me, and choose her..
Ah, to what ridiculous ends however. Its hard not to regress into teenager-he said she said, which is what it ends up feeling like. But again, I was raised to fight against the faulting of my honor or good name among those whom I deemed close to me, and I find I wasnt even given that chance.

Jellybeans · 10-31-2011, 01:06 PM

No, you're not a failure. Your marriage was. But remember: it takes two to make a marriage and she checked out. She unilaterally decided she did not want to be married anymore and have her OM on the side. Are you alone? As far as romantically, yes, you are single once that decree is signed by a judge. In other aspects--no. you have your children, family, friends.

Re: Facebook. I have told you a thousand times (and will again) that you really need to stop checking up on your stbx on there. That goes for all her friends too. It's not healthy. SO STOP DOING IT. It is hindering your abaility to move on. Block her and all her friends. Seriously.

Take time to grieve and heal yourself. You got the sh*t end of the deal. The person left always does...for now. But in time you are going to see she did you a MAJOR favor. Just imagine if you were still married and she was going between both you and him? Would you prefer that? Would you prefer being married to someone who only stayed w/ you because you were the back up plan? Because they wanted the house/title of being married and didn't really love you?

She is gone now. So treat her as such. A ghost from your past. You deserve better. And in time you will see you come out better in life because of all of this.

Sparkles422 · 10-31-2011, 05:18 PM

shoo:
Why roll around in what was, you are torturing yourself. Jelly is right stay off the fb. I have had to do that. The past is gone and when you can truthfully answer the question to yourself that it is over and even if she begged back in, would you? Would you be able to pick up the pieces of the deceit and mistrust and have a healthy, happy marriage again?

I asked myself that question because I agonized; my answer was no. After what this person did to me intentionally, changed what I had respected and loved about that person. Essentially, that person was no longer who I had loved.

Once you move out and you are physically gone from the presence you will heal. You need to heal. I speak from experience because once I sold the house and moved out, the healing began for me. It was not easy but it was easier than being subjected to cheating, lying and deliberate cruelty.

Take care of yourself and do something special each day for yourself. You will get better. Say prayers, mantra whatever just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there.

Freak On a Leash · 10-31-2011, 11:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shooboomafoo

Am I a failure? Am I alone? Will I be able to get out there, and meet new people, and start life again?

No, you aren't a failure.

You aren't alone. You have yourself and you will have your kids, provided you love and invest in them. Something tells me you will. You don't need a marriage and an unfaithful wife to be a dad.

Yes, you WILL start life again.

Yes, you will heal and all this will seem like a bad dream one day. One day your wife will probably ask for you to come back or act like she wants you back and you will won't feel hopeful or desperate..You will think "No F*ckin' way* You won't WANT her back. You'll want to go back your house and be at peace and spend time living your own life, in your own way.

It WILL happen. Just give it time and don't torture yourself by looking at Facebook. I can't tell you how much I HATE Facebook. I've never even had it but it seems to destroy so many lives and people use it to torture themselves and others in so many ways. If I were you'd I'd cancel it. You need to focus on YOURSELF, not others, and especially not your EX.

I know it was probably unavoidable but dragging this all out by living in your old house was the worst thing you could've done. I would've camped out in a tent or stayed at a friend's house rather than put myself though that. When my H left I had a lease signed on an apartment a week later. I never could've stayed in the house we shared. Besides, I couldn't afford to pay for oil heat.

Be glad you are gone now. Staying there for Thanksgiving and then the holidays would've been horrible. You are divorced now. You need to stop looking at it as a punishment but rather as a blessing. Take the kids and spend quality time alone with them. Do FUN things and enjoy them! Get hobbies and do fun stuff on your own. It WILL get better! Trust me!

Now get up and get out!!