No description for the feeling today...
So Friday I signed all my papers and handed over the generous closing costs check, but didnt get my keys to the house, and wont until the Title company funds their side of the deal.
This weekend still at the marital residence with the exwife, was not a bad one necessarily. We carved pumpkins for halloween, decorated part of the old house for trick-or-treaters. Its kind of hard doing certain "family-like" things these days. I catch myself being happy, but then the thought of "oh yeah, this is not real" crosses my mind, and you can see the smile fade as my eyes fall to the carpet, then perhaps glance over at my child. This is the last time I will mow this lawn.. This is the last time I will sleep in this bed.. This is the last time I will decorate this house for Halloween..
All these "last times". I'm a reflective type of person to a fault, though, and probably cause myself a lot more difficulty than necessary, but with the reflection brings memories and honor to the good times that were.
I still have some friends that were mutual friends of ours on FB, and seeing their parties all going on, pictures, etc. So many of those people seem so fake now. Theres a few newer friends of my exwife's that appear amongst the old friends, and they were detrimental in advising, or at least impressing my exwife to dump our marriage for her "happy freedom".(That of course, being one of worst delusions of hers). Funny how impressing some people who know absolutely nothing about the situation can be given the most credibility, when it suits the purpose. These smiling faces of insanity, most of which during our falling apart marriage, were busy destroying their own lives and the lives of their children. Now, smiling, like demented crazy people who lack any shame whatsoever. How quickly they are absorbed into the old group-of-friends, most likely because they appear happy, and that old group being as desperate as they are, quickly recruit the smiling ones, even when theres a dagger behind that smile.
I came into the old house this Saturday to find my exwife crying on the couch. "Whats wrong" I asked, evidently a small portion of my soul still wouldnt allow me to walk by and point with a "Ha-Ha" like the little fat kid from the Simpsons...
She didnt say anything. She grabbed me and hugged me for several minutes and I gingerly put my arms around her as well. Not wishing to inflect some sense of hope in her, I kept repeating in my mind how just days ago, she went out on a date with her still-secret lover. Ugh, so it begins....
This whole weekend was like that. She kept reaching that point of sadness. It seems that the reality of my getting my own house, and all my things boxed up and ready to go this week, is starting to penetrate the great delusion of escape she has, that up until recently seemed to be the happiest of goals of hers. To be free from mr. controlling, mr. unromantic, mr. bondage....
But nonetheless, come sunday night she came into the kitchen and mentioned she needed to "get away" for awhile, teary eyed and soft.
I guess a quick romp with the my replacement was adequate, because this morning, she was back to stone cold granite.
I ask myself, even as I prepare to begin taking things over to my new house, prepare to begin another chapter of my life where I start out alone and seemingly cast out from the group, cast out from my family, years of blood sweat and tears simply shat out like a bad chinese buffet, how is it I plan to address myself when I am there, and all my things are there, and I sit on my own couch, that I so longingly spent the last eight months wishing would come quickly? How will I see myself in the mirror? Am I a failure? Am I alone? Will I be able to get out there, and meet new people, and start life again? It seems harder when you put such weighty stock in the forming of relationships with "Friends". To have so many walk away all at once. I dont like even the appearance of all of these people so full of amusement and happiness, for it almost feels like it reflects that all the lies about me are being taken as truth. How glad they all are to be rid of me? Lets all wrap our arms around my poor mistreated suffering exwife and console her? Gee, that ex-husband of yours was a real-ass to have forced you into another mans arms. Lets all get drunk and party...
Perhaps I simply put too much weight into the actions of people unworthy of it. Its really sad that it makes for a greatly reduced group of what I once considered close friends.
I find myself feeling kind of banished, you know?
So I try to look forwards, and see myself with all of my stuff in my new house, everything put together, everything in its proper place, at that point where I am my own man again, and feel sort of isolated. Isolated, yes, that is a good word for it.
Not feeling sorry for myself, but more, a sense that I wish I could actually prove the reality of what happened to me to all of these people. As if their perception of me really mattered, but still, I want to do something like print out all the love-texts between my ex and her lover and send a copy to all of these people so willing to shun me, and choose her..
Ah, to what ridiculous ends however. Its hard not to regress into teenager-he said she said, which is what it ends up feeling like. But again, I was raised to fight against the faulting of my honor or good name among those whom I deemed close to me, and I find I wasnt even given that chance.
His delay, is not a denial.