Getting cold feet movein w/ GF - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #16 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 10:59 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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Whose idea was this. What are the advantages of giving up your home? You are placing yourself and your children in a position of dependency on your gf. She controls where you and your children live or don't live. It's her house and you are welcomed to visit as long as she pleases.

Keep in mind that there will be a change in the dynamic when you give up your independence and put her in charge of where you and your children live. You have only known her for two yrs, you can't predict how this will change the relationship.

What are the financial arrangements? You will be paying part of the mortgage but accruing no equity. I don't think it will cost you any less living apart than living together. You shift your resources into helping her meet her obligations. Instead of paying for a place you have control over, you pay into her place that she controls.

The biggest thing to consider is the impact on your children. They should be the priority. Your son is especially vulnerable. He is going from a home where his dad is in charge and he has his own room to one where his dad is a bystander. He loses his privacy and becomes a guess in some kids bedroom. It will be unsettling for you all.

If you insist on living with her, do it in a way that is equally advantageous for yourself and her and all of the children. Sell both houses and buy a new one with enough room for every one. If you don't think the relationship is stable enough for that then why are you selling your house?

What wrong with the way things are now?
Yes, this is an adult speaking. I too would wait.

Tell your GF why. She deserves an honest rationale.


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post #17 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 10:46 AM Thread Starter
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Last night over dinner, she asked me point blank if sonething was bothering me and if i was having any concerns about moving in. Dont know how she saw thru me, but there it was. So i told her the feelings i was having... Doubts, fears, etc.

Her first response was that she didnt want me doing something that was making me feel uncomfortable. As i explained my reservations and how i was trying to determine if it was justified or I was acting from an illogical place, she grew more dissapointed and upset. She stated that she feels that the two of us can make it work and that we are already doing much of it since my kids and I have been spending a lot of time at her place. But i could tell she was hurt that i wasnt feeling the same way about moving in as she was. I think ots possible she put a hell of alot more thought into it than I did. I think i was going more with the motions and now that i am thinking more about it, i am feeling a bit panicked because i waited so long to sit down and really think about it.
Is she trying to force me to move in? I dont think so. She did bring up discussions every once in awhile over the last 4 months about it, but never pushed it because she wanted me to make those decisions, bring it up myself and not feel she was forcing me to sell my home and move in. Ive been so busy with other things, along with fixing up my house to sell that i never really sat down to think all of it through. I just viewed what it would look like on the surface. I definitely had it backwards.
She's definitely hurt that i am suddenly hesitating to move in.
I spoke more about logistics of living together and my concerns about possible conflicts that may arise. We did manage to come up with plans on how to handle those situations which made me feel better about my concerns. She also shared that she would want us to have time or space to ourselves as well as our kids having the opportunity to have their space when they need it. Yes, i am still concerned about how my son will react. My gf did point out that he does fine when he is over, which is true. I told her i felt that moving in will be different as a guest, and that i was worrying about the what ifs. My daughter? At the moment, she is the only one who knows of the possibility and is excited if it were to happen. She gets along very well with my gf.
Its apparent here on the boards that most of you are telling me to be patient and not do this right now. You may be right. But i am wondering if all my sudden concerns stems from my lack of truly sitting down and discussing all the specific details with my gf.
She noticed I wasn't discussing it with her and thought that i had it all figured out and was good with it. I dont know if my concerns is directly related to not talking about it and since there is many unknowns, i am now having to deal with these thoughts? I also feel like i am dwelling too much on the negative possibilities.

Like i mentioned, the more we spoke about logitics last night, it did seem to reassure things will be fine and I felt better. But i also feel i have damaged much of what my gf had thought was fine and now sees that her bf was lacking confidence in moving in.

Someone here asked do i love her? Yes. I do love her, but damn if i must admit it, i dont feel as if i am IN love. Is the "in love" the same as the honeymoon period? Its those emotions/feelings you have when you are in the early stages of a relationship, right? I just dont feel those anymore. But i do love her very much. I think this is normal, but if not i definitely need to step back and this would be discussed on an entirely different thread! I hope my ramblings make sense.
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post #18 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 12:48 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Don't move in until you get married. Listen to the warnings you are hearing in your head. Don't move your kids until you are committed in a marriage.

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post #19 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 01:01 PM Thread Starter
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As i sit here and imagine things as if my kids and I are moved in, i feel a touch of anxiety/stress. When i imagine remaining in my home, i don't feel as stressed.
But i would just hate it if i screwed myself because i had these worries that eventually go away yet it changes the way my gf sees our relationship.
I feel like an idiot to wait till the last minute to drop this on myself and my gf. Also, she and I are supposed to go on a mini vacation to an other country. I had planned on sharing this with her after we returned, but since she brought it up last night, I couldnt lie to her.
I was hoping when i woke up this morning that all my concerns were just temporary and had dissapeared. Obviously, that has yet to happen.
Also, my gf said that if i decide not to move in that she wants to pull back on the number of visits my kids and I have with her and her kids. To go from 5x a week to 1-2x a week.
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post #20 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 01:58 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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Originally Posted by Houstondad View Post
As i sit here and imagine things as if my kids and I are moved in, i feel a touch of anxiety/stress. When i imagine remaining in my home, i don't feel as stressed.
But i would just hate it if i screwed myself because i had these worries that eventually go away yet it changes the way my gf sees our relationship.
I feel like an idiot to wait till the last minute to drop this on myself and my gf. Also, she and I are supposed to go on a mini vacation to an other country. I had planned on sharing this with her after we returned, but since she brought it up last night, I couldnt lie to her.
I was hoping when i woke up this morning that all my concerns were just temporary and had dissapeared. Obviously, that has yet to happen.
Also, my gf said that if i decide not to move in that she wants to pull back on the number of visits my kids and I have with her and her kids. To go from 5x a week to 1-2x a week.
So, she's threatening to lessen the kid time together, if you don't move in? Hmmm....ultimatums are never a good sign.

Why are you afraid of your gf's reactions? Maybe you should figure out that piece of it, and everything else will fall into place.
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post #21 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 02:41 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

I may not be remembering this correctly but didn't you post about her parenting style being totally different from yours and that being a negative for you? If that's still true (and assuming I haven't confused you with another poster) how do you plan to work around that?

In any event, it doesn't sound like you're ready to move in with her so it's probably time to take a step back. Especially since you don't feel you're in love with her (even if you do love her).
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post #22 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 02:57 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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Ive been dating my current GF for the last 2 yrs. Overall, its been very good between us and ive grown quite a bit in the dept of discussing issues that come up instead of running away from them, thanks to her.
So....my kids and I spend a lot of time with her and her kids at her house. This has led us to entertain the idea of moving in with her. My daughter (15) is aware of the possibikity and is cool with it, but i havent told my 10 yr old son yet. I worry he may struggle with the transition and having to share a room for the first time.
I am about to put ny house on the market but now i am having doubts pop up in my head. Part of me feels its stupid while the other part of me wonders if it's legit.
I believe part of it is losing a part of my independence. It can be loud and chaotic at times at her house with 4 kids. While at my house, its much more chill obviously. Also, if it doesnt work out, i worry that i have put my kids thru a possibly awkward and difficult situation. I do admit i struggle with taking chances. I am notorious for finding circumstances that make me comfortable and i prefer to keep it that way. I doubt that's a healthy trait.
Anyways, if anyone has any advice or can speak from experience i would truly welcome it. Thank you!
Knowing what I know now... I would not move in with someone else until we were both ready for the commitment of marriage. Especially if you have children.

I lived with both my husband's before marriage and I did not see what the big deal was, but now I do. You do give up your independence. You're not committed enough to be married, but it's not like you can date other people because you live together. If you do decide to part way - now you have a whole household to unravel. You save money on mortgage now, but if you have to go rent or buy a new house suddenly, that's going to be a big financial hit.

I also think it may cause resentment of the new family to ask kids to share a room who had their own rooms before.

And on the other hand, what if your son gets very emotionally attached to your GF and her kids and then things don't work out and you have to break up his new family?

Also, blended families are extremely difficult and have a high failure rate for a reason. It might be better to wait until the kids are older to move to the next level.

These were just posted on Marriagebuilders. I haven't listened to these particular clips, but I have definitely learned some very enlightening things on blended families from marriagebuilders (too late for me) but I'd give some of these a listen:
Blended Families - Marriage Builders® Forums
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post #23 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 03:00 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Her reaction sends up numerous red flags. How can she so easily dismiss your concerns about the children? The way your son reacts now has nothing to do with how he will react when he loses his room and is locked into sharing a room. It's the difference between a vacation in a hotel verses living there with no other home as a refuge.

Why is she punishing you for having legit concerns about yourself and your children? A respectful response would have been to give some time and thought to the issues and reconsider based on the good of all involved. Respect for you and your wisdom seems missing.

Thoughtless responses and a pat on the head will not work for you in a LTR. Her response seems self-centered. She is determined to make you move despite the possibility of problems for your children or hers. All problems will disappear like magic once you do what she wants.

This is probably what you will deal with throughout your relationship. If you don't agree with her she will withdraw.

My advice is to respond to her proposal of less visits by your own proposal. Tell her you have decided you need to spend more time with your children and need a break from the relationship for now. Let her know that your concerns involve your children and they come first. If she feels that it's essential for you to do things her way then you may not be the right person to move in.

Please consider why your former marriage failed. Make sure you are not repeating past mistakes. Her reaction portends the future of your relationship. If you live with her, your state of anxiety will live there too.

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Last edited by Catherine602; 07-10-2016 at 04:52 PM.
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post #24 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 05:15 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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Also, my gf said that if i decide not to move in that she wants to pull back on the number of visits my kids and I have with her and her kids. To go from 5x a week to 1-2x a week.
Did she say why? Is she trying to punish you for not doing what she wants, or is she legitimately concerned about the children becoming too attached when the relationship is not serious?

If it's the latter, that sounds legitimate and mature to me. Regardless, I still stand by my advice of never living together unless you're committed enough to marry. I so wish I could go back in time and not have done that.
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post #25 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 06:20 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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I broke off my engagement because he wanted to move in, and we just didn't see eye to eye on that. Trust your gut, it won't let you down.
Unless your gut is full of beer.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #26 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 06:21 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

By cutting back the weekly visits it is "by far" easier on HER logistics, viz., food, entertainment, etc..

Her statement is tactless and too blunt for comfort.

I understand her fears. You waited to long to spring this on her. She sprung the discord-dancing back....... into your lap-dance.

As far as the amount of love you have for her? Listen to your own heart, not ours.

I feel that you may be "too easily" influenced by outside opinion.

It is good to roll over and change your mind....let it be YOUR spine that causes this....and for good reasons. That said, it is better to error in favor of restraint, then to jump in, half blind.

I just flip-flopped. Did it in mid air...landed on my feet.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #27 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 07:06 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Don't move in with anyone unless you're excited about it.

Her saying that she wants you & your kids over less is her saying she thought you two were committed and now that you're not going to be one big happy family she's dialing it back. Could be she's tired of doing all the entertaining or she could be trying to protect her heart.

If 4 kids get on your nerves now, just imagine how it would be with no escape.
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post #28 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 07:13 PM
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Don't move in with anyone unless you're excited about it.

Her saying that she wants you & your kids over less is her saying she thought you two were committed and now that you're not going to be one big happy family she's dialing it back. Could be she's tired of doing all the entertaining or she could be trying to protect her heart.

If 4 kids get on your nerves now, just imagine how it would be with no escape.
I agree. Now she knows you aren't interested in moving forward by living together, and she is adjusting how much she and her kids should be invested in you, accordingly. I don't see anything wrong with that,. Seems a natural response.
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post #29 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 08:03 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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Unless your gut is full of beer.
lol
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post #30 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-10-2016, 08:21 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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Don't do it. You have that feeling for a reason.
This^ x10. If it doesn't feel right AND make sense, don't do it.
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