Getting cold feet movein w/ GF - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 12:16 AM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

I have lived with my Gf over a year now and we are blended with kids. One of the things that worked for us is that we discuss everything about how that would look prior to moving her in. What the expectations would be, who would be responsible for what, money and bills all of it. Even with those discussions some things were a surprise. We both had concerns. My biggest was if she decides to leave are my kids protected and the house not in question. I was able to share those concerns and she understood them. I did buy a bigger house that I consider our house however I am the only one on the loan.

If you are having reservations talk about them. If you can't get on the same page about what you want dont move in no matter what

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post #32 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 06:07 AM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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Last night over dinner, she asked me point blank if sonething was bothering me and if i was having any concerns about moving in. Dont know how she saw thru me, but there it was. So i told her the feelings i was having... Doubts, fears, etc.

Her first response was that she didnt want me doing something that was making me feel uncomfortable. As i explained my reservations and how i was trying to determine if it was justified or I was acting from an illogical place, she grew more dissapointed and upset. She stated that she feels that the two of us can make it work and that we are already doing much of it since my kids and I have been spending a lot of time at her place. But i could tell she was hurt that i wasnt feeling the same way about moving in as she was. I think ots possible she put a hell of alot more thought into it than I did. I think i was going more with the motions and now that i am thinking more about it, i am feeling a bit panicked because i waited so long to sit down and really think about it.
Is she trying to force me to move in? I dont think so. She did bring up discussions every once in awhile over the last 4 months about it, but never pushed it because she wanted me to make those decisions, bring it up myself and not feel she was forcing me to sell my home and move in. Ive been so busy with other things, along with fixing up my house to sell that i never really sat down to think all of it through. I just viewed what it would look like on the surface. I definitely had it backwards.
She's definitely hurt that i am suddenly hesitating to move in.
I spoke more about logistics of living together and my concerns about possible conflicts that may arise. We did manage to come up with plans on how to handle those situations which made me feel better about my concerns. She also shared that she would want us to have time or space to ourselves as well as our kids having the opportunity to have their space when they need it. Yes, i am still concerned about how my son will react. My gf did point out that he does fine when he is over, which is true. I told her i felt that moving in will be different as a guest, and that i was worrying about the what ifs. My daughter? At the moment, she is the only one who knows of the possibility and is excited if it were to happen. She gets along very well with my gf.
Its apparent here on the boards that most of you are telling me to be patient and not do this right now. You may be right. But i am wondering if all my sudden concerns stems from my lack of truly sitting down and discussing all the specific details with my gf.
She noticed I wasn't discussing it with her and thought that i had it all figured out and was good with it. I dont know if my concerns is directly related to not talking about it and since there is many unknowns, i am now having to deal with these thoughts? I also feel like i am dwelling too much on the negative possibilities.

Like i mentioned, the more we spoke about logitics last night, it did seem to reassure things will be fine and I felt better. But i also feel i have damaged much of what my gf had thought was fine and now sees that her bf was lacking confidence in moving in.

Someone here asked do i love her? Yes. I do love her, but damn if i must admit it, i dont feel as if i am IN love. Is the "in love" the same as the honeymoon period? Its those emotions/feelings you have when you are in the early stages of a relationship, right? I just dont feel those anymore. But i do love her very much. I think this is normal, but if not i definitely need to step back and this would be discussed on an entirely different thread! I hope my ramblings make sense.



Yikes, read what you wrote a few times. You passed the honey moon stage and realize you aren't "IN" love with her!

If you want to move in together because you two can't stand to be apart and more than anything you want to be a family with all the kids included than do it (but don't sell your house for a year).

If you are looking to move in together because it will be more convenient and maybe save some cash than don't even think about it!

From what I have read my instinct is to tell you not to move in together. I just don't see the emotional need from you of wanting to create a blended family out of the over whelming love of wanting to be together.
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post #33 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 08:48 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

@Cooper nailed it. There is no emotional need or excitement driving the decision to move in together.

From what your said, it's more practical because you spend most of your time together at her house so you may as well save one mortgage.

A strong emotional connection and physical chemistry, is what gets couples through the initial challenge of living together. You want each other badly enough that the difficulties seem trivial and you are want to solve them.

The honeymoon period leads to a deeper love and intimacy. In a LTR, the honeymoon period may be repeated quite a few times over the years. If it was weak or nonexistent you may not get the reaffirmation and boost you need to keep going. It may be especially hard to make a blended family work.

I don't think you love her enough to risk moving in and I don't think she loves you very strongly. She finds it easy to decrease time with you. If she were hot for you, she wouldn't be able to stay away.

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Last edited by Catherine602; 07-13-2016 at 11:30 PM.
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post #34 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 08:58 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Moving in with fiancee, maybe. Moving in with girlfriend, no.

Think about how you will feel when your son says to you " Dad, I wish we still had our house."
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post #35 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 09:04 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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@Cooper nailed it. There is no emotional need or excitement driving the decision to move in together.

From what your said, it's more practical because you spend most of your time at her house so you may as well save on mortgage.

A strong emotional connection and physical chemistry, is what gets couples through the initial challenges of settling in together. You want each other so badly that the difficulties seem trivial and you are happy to solve them.

The honeymoon period leads to a deeper love and intimacy. In a LTR, the honeymoon period may be repeated quite a few times over the years.

If you had a brief or weak honeymoon that didn't deepen, you will have a hard time making a blended family work.

I don't think you love her enough to risk moving in and I don't think she loves you very strongly. She finds it easy to decrease time with you. If she were hot for you, she wouldn't be able to stay away.

My magic wand would remove shame from sexuality for all! Anon Pink
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post #36 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 04:06 AM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

If in doubt, don't. This is your kids lives you are playing with and they are worth more than a half hearted effort.And don't have step siblings share a bedroom, it will be a recipe for disaster, so not fair on them.

We took a couple of years to plan doing this and even still there are issues that come up. We now have one of the older kids wanting her partner to move in next year. We built a much bigger home, 5 bedrooms, 3 big living spaces, study, library and triple garage. There is plenty of space for all of us to either be together or off doing our own thing when we have visitors. Everyone has to help in the running of the household and we have some very firm rules, mainly around treating each other with respect.

You are either all in on this or don't do it.
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post #37 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 05:26 PM Thread Starter
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Hey everyone,

Just an update, i have decided not to move in for the time being. If my feelings/excitement increase, then i will obviously feel better for making the move. But not now.

Fortunately, she responded last night indicating that she doesn't want to pressure me and that if its meant to be, it will. She agrees thay moving shouldn't be taken lightly. And that she wants me to be happy in whatever i choose.

Im pretty lucky she was understanding and i definitely realized i need to up my comminication skills and not pronastricate.
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post #38 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 08:53 AM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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Originally Posted by Houstondad View Post
Hey everyone,

Just an update, i have decided not to move in for the time being. If my feelings/excitement increase, then i will obviously feel better for making the move. But not now.

Fortunately, she responded last night indicating that she doesn't want to pressure me and that if its meant to be, it will. She agrees thay moving shouldn't be taken lightly. And that she wants me to be happy in whatever i choose.

Im pretty lucky she was understanding and i definitely realized i need to up my comminication skills and not pronastricate.
And be proactive if this is an need you would like to actually get to. Make a list and have her do the same of all the concerns you have about moving in togeher and discuss them one by one. See how close you both are on important matters.
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post #39 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 09:01 AM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Quote:
Originally Posted by Houstondad View Post
Hey everyone,

Just an update, i have decided not to move in for the time being. If my feelings/excitement increase, then i will obviously feel better for making the move. But not now.

Fortunately, she responded last night indicating that she doesn't want to pressure me and that if its meant to be, it will. She agrees thay moving shouldn't be taken lightly. And that she wants me to be happy in whatever i choose.

Im pretty lucky she was understanding and i definitely realized i need to up my comminication skills and not pronastricate.
this is a good thing.

not only to resolve the immediate anxiety and potential problems it might entail, but more importantly that her attitude is one of understanding and compromise, even if disappointed. this bodes well for the future of your relationship and speaks well of her.
she may very well be a very fine lady.
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post #40 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 12:50 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

And if you don't like the way she parents (as I seem to remember was an issue in the past) make sure that's completely resolved before you decide to move in.

What bothers you now will bother you many times more once you're living with them full-time and have no other house to escape to when you need it.

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post #41 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 10:57 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Quote:
Originally Posted by Houstondad View Post
Hey everyone,

Just an update, i have decided not to move in for the time being. If my feelings/excitement increase, then i will obviously feel better for making the move. But not now.

Fortunately, she responded last night indicating that she doesn't want to pressure me and that if its meant to be, it will. She agrees thay moving shouldn't be taken lightly. And that she wants me to be happy in whatever i choose.

Im pretty lucky she was understanding and i definitely realized i need to up my comminication skills and not pronastricate.
This is great news on all fronts, I'm glad that she didn't get angry and respected your choice.
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post #42 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 11:32 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Quote:
Originally Posted by Houstondad View Post
Hey everyone,

Just an update, i have decided not to move in for the time being. If my feelings/excitement increase, then i will obviously feel better for making the move. But not now.

Fortunately, she responded last night indicating that she doesn't want to pressure me and that if its meant to be, it will. She agrees thay moving shouldn't be taken lightly. And that she wants me to be happy in whatever i choose.

Im pretty lucky she was understanding and i definitely realized i need to up my comminication skills and not pronastricate.
Good?

What else could she say without loosing face.

As you mentioned, she is hurt.

Be honest with her and yourself.

Do not waste any more of her time if this relationship is dead in the water. Never play with someone else's feelings.

Do not be wishy-washy.... Wally Cleaver.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #43 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 11:42 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Glad you made a good choice.

I still have some misgivings when I read your post. You feel lucky that she understands? But isn't the a given in a successful relationship? You both get props for working things out. She didn't contribute more to the resolution than you yourself.

Keep this incident and her reaction in mind together with everything else about the relationship. The subject may not be solved as definitively as you think.

My sense is that you need to work on your self-esteem and respect. You don't need to reveal this here but think about it. Why did you D and why did she,

My magic wand would remove shame from sexuality for all! Anon Pink
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post #44 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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Well, the latest is that she ended the relationship last week.

Despite her well intended email about respecting my hesitation to move in, it did not last long. She told me she feels rejected and admitted that much of this reminded her of issues from her former marriage and her EX.

She had initially requested that we scale it back, especially with the kids around. So The last couple of weeks of our relationship, i was communicating with her everyday by phone and text since her kids were home. And i would initiate all of the calls and texts. This became frustrating. We would have arguments when we would discuss these arrangements. She would tell me one thing ( she wants a break from talking because it was too awkward for her) and then get upset with me when i gave her this space.

Said i didnt care and i was supposed to pursue her if i cared. I was only reapecting her wishes. It was like she was sending mixed messages and i was supposed to be smart enough to figure it out. Frustrating! I felt i was dammed if i do, dammed if i dont. The whole process sort of numbed me. And then i began to realize it was very likely all that she was doing was to help her detach from me.

Ultimately, i told her what i wanted for our current relationship. Said i wanted to spend more time with her and the kids. Just like before but a little less frequently because of how she felt about scaling it back. Said i knew she wanted me to move in and I still wasnt ready right now.

I told her i missed her and that and i love her. She didnt believe me because i should have been pursuing her.

She replied that i am not meeting her needs and that it was over. She returned things of mine this week and is already updating her Facebook status.

I know i could have prevented this by giving in to her ultimatums, but thats not how i wanted to make my decision. I sit here dissapointed in how this fell apart. Despite loving each other and getting along fairly well, she decided me not moving in now is a deal breaker. But she painted it as that i didn't care about her and was not meeting her needs. She blames me for the failure and ending of our relationship. I really miss her despite the last month or so.
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post #45 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 01:12 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

I'm sorry it's been hard, Houstondad.

But I think, in the long run, it will turn out to be a gift.

Please enjoy the end of summer with your son and daughter. I am sure they are great kids, and feel lucky to have a dad who puts them first in his life.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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