I truly appreciate everyone's input (even those of you who are critical of me). Because I know that I had a lot to do with why I am in the position I am in. I'm just trying to figure all this out and so I'm here venting and looking for more answers.
Putting myself in my "ex-gf's" shoes, I can understand why she is hurt that I don't want to move in with her. And it's probably because moving in is the next step towards marriage (even though she never mentioned marriage) to her and/or showing how committed I should be to the importance of the relationship. I don't necessarily agree with that last part, but that's only my opinion. I think you can be happily committed and not living together. I just wasn't ready for Commitment 2.0 I guess.
Also, she's not getting any younger and feels like she doesn't want to waste her time with me if she is looking for marriage right now.
And now, I'm feeling hurt too. I wish she could have had more patience with me while I try to sort my feelings and future goals out. I asked her to please give me a chance to figure it out, but that didn't last a week.
To end our relationship this way hurts because I still wanted to be with her. I told her I wasn't ready but that didn't mean I was never going to move in. I know I mentioned I wasn't "-in love" with her. I know it sounds bad because that is what we typically here on this forum talk about when a spouse who has just betrayed us! But I wonder if I was more comfortable in the relationship and not having those in-love butterflies we feel at the start of a relationship?
But I do love her, care about her and enjoy spending time with her. I told her this. We have maintained a strong physical chemistry between us and we were respectful towards each other and comfortable. And we weren't terrible in the emotional part. But she did like to talk about issues between us she was not happy with (much of it coming from her insecurities) and I did not like talking about them because it made me feel uncomfortable. But I still gave those conversations my best shot!
But I realize now that I lack vulnerability and quite possibly emotional unavailability. I was in 2 other relationships (not counting my marriage) before this one and they only lasted a few months. It's hard for me to emotionally connect with exactly why I feel less vulnerable, but I have a strong feeling that after getting hurt by my ex-wife, that I am cautious of allowing it to happen again. This isn't intentional! But on an subconscious/emotional level, I think it's there. I wonder if this is why I'm not "in-love"? Like I've mentioned before in an early post ( I think), I don't have the same giddy feelings of moving-in and getting married like I did when I was in my 20's with my ex-wife. I had no doubt in my mind I wanted to marry her back then. But I don't have those same exact feelings now. Is it normal for those feelings to be different because I'm older or is there something wrong?? Do people settle for "ok" when the remarry or do they have those same feelings or greater when they married the first time?
Emotional unavailability? This one I'm not sure. The minute my old partners became confrontational about something, I turned and ran. And I almost did it a couple of times early on in my recent relationship. But she was good at convincing me not to run, and I was thankful I didn't. And I did better at having those "uncomfortable" conversations with her. But I also did things for her, flowers, cards, love notes, etc. too. I wanted to be exclusively with her and I was the one who initiated the "will you be my girlfriend"? Is that emotionally unavailable? I don't know.
But once I opted not to move in with her, she decided we should take a step back, spend less time together. We did and despite my attempts to keep in touch with calling her and texting, she got mad because it wasn't enough and we would have confrontations/ arguments. Yes, the one thing I struggled with became too much. And ultimately I caved in to the pressure and this pushed me further away. And I think I became emotionally unavailable and it only convinced her that I did not care for her, even though I do. But it was so stressful at the time and it wore me down. And I wonder if she became emotionally unavailable too?
Over the last 2 years, as the rose colored glasses faded, I did see her insecurities: jealousy & trust. And she admitted these were unresolved things from her previous marriage.
These were not the only reasons I froze when it was time to take the next step, but they played a factor. I was scared that if these things were not resolved (along with several other things such as my lack of vulnerability/feelings, my kids, etc.), that breaking up AFTER we move in was going to be a BIGGER mistake. I didn't think those insecurities were permanent just the same as my hesitation to move in was likely not permanent. I hoped that we could invest more into correcting her insecurities and my lack of vulnerability before we broke up.
Finally, we haven't communicated since last week. As the stress from it all has subsided, I am realizing I miss her and I have the urges to reach out to her. But I wonder if it's best to let her go so she can find someone who is looking to get married soon? I love her enough that I want her to be happy.
Please don't contact her. She is trying to heal, and so are you, and you will send very mixed messages to her if you keep reaching out saying ''I miss you, (er...but not enough to move in with you.'')
lol I wouldn't contact her anymore.
I've not been married yet, but was engaged this year. When I was engaged, I was very caught up in planning an awesome wedding and the idea of love. Chemistry was amazing, but he wasn't the one. I don't believe in soul mates, but I do believe in being really picky about marriage. I don't want to go through a divorce. That said, the guy I'm seeing now, the chemistry is amazing, but there is more there...much more. And being with him just feels right, and like 'home.' If you have to analyze and go over things over and over again in your head about a relationship, it's not the right relationship for you. There should just be a flow to a really awesome relationship that feels right, and you didn't have that with her. I don't think you're afraid of moving in, I think she wasn't the right one. That's just my opinion. Stay strong, things will get better.