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post #46 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 01:24 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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Well, the latest is that she ended the relationship last week.

Despite her well intended email about respecting my hesitation to move in, it did not last long. She told me she feels rejected and admitted that much of this reminded her of issues from her former marriage and her EX.

She had initially requested that we scale it back, especially with the kids around. So The last couple of weeks of our relationship, i was communicating with her everyday by phone and text since her kids were home. And i would initiate all of the calls and texts. This became frustrating. We would have arguments when we would discuss these arrangements. She would tell me one thing ( she wants a break from talking because it was too awkward for her) and then get upset with me when i gave her this space.

Said i didnt care and i was supposed to pursue her if i cared. I was only reapecting her wishes. It was like she was sending mixed messages and i was supposed to be smart enough to figure it out. Frustrating! I felt i was dammed if i do, dammed if i dont. The whole process sort of numbed me. And then i began to realize it was very likely all that she was doing was to help her detach from me.

Ultimately, i told her what i wanted for our current relationship. Said i wanted to spend more time with her and the kids. Just like before but a little less frequently because of how she felt about scaling it back. Said i knew she wanted me to move in and I still wasnt ready right now.

I told her i missed her and that and i love her. She didnt believe me because i should have been pursuing her.

She replied that i am not meeting her needs and that it was over. She returned things of mine this week and is already updating her Facebook status.

I know i could have prevented this by giving in to her ultimatums, but thats not how i wanted to make my decision. I sit here dissapointed in how this fell apart. Despite loving each other and getting along fairly well, she decided me not moving in now is a deal breaker. But she painted it as that i didn't care about her and was not meeting her needs. She blames me for the failure and ending of our relationship. I really miss her despite the last month or so.
This is such interesting news, but not surprising on her part. This exact same thing happened with my ex fiance. He basically wanted to move in before we married (we were to be married next month) and I didn't want that. I don't believe in living with people when you're not married, it just becomes a false sense of commitment if you ask me, but to each their own. I think you did THE RIGHT THING, you followed your heart on this, and she didn't accept it. I think what she said is manipulative, and my ex fiance said the SAME THINGS. But, true love wouldn't force something on you that doesn't feel right.

It might be hard right now, but you made the right decision. I don't blame her for being hurt, but she sounds a bit manipulative and not at all understanding of your feelings in this. Guess she thought you'd just move right in upon her request.

Praying for you to remain strong, and find peace about it all.

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post #47 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 01:27 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

You've said that while you love her you aren't in love with her. Every married person here on TAM who gets that is told their spouse is cheating.

Not saying you're cheating, but it does suggest a lack of excitement.

Is it possible that while you love her and were comfortable with her she felt this lack of excitement?
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post #48 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 01:37 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

I think it too can simply come down to being at different places in your lives. She is ready to have a future with you, and blend your kids together under one roof. You're not ready for that, or don't see the future with her, to be honest. It happens. I just haven't seen very many relationships work when one person wants to move in, and the other doesn't, but they move in, anyway. There should be enthusiasm on both parts or it simply won't work. Your gut feeling of 'cold feet' was a sign that either she's not the one, or you just aren't ready. Or both.
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post #49 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 01:43 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

I disagree that she's manipulative, I think she was looking for signs that you were as excited about her as she was about you.

She didn't find any so she ended things.

Probably the best thing...now you can both find someone better suited.
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post #50 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 02:00 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

She told him that she didn't believe he loved her simply because he chose to not move in with her. That's manipulative. Instead of just stepping back and thinking that maybe they're in different places, or just respecting his wishes and moving on, she had to throw that in. Probably best in the long run, as it might have been a long road ahead of manipulative comments when she didn't get her way.
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post #51 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 02:04 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Sharing one's feelings is not manipulative.....that's how you communicate.

That's how it made her feel and she's entitled to her feelings.

Perhaps they have different ideas of what love feels like. She wanted someone she felt was in love with her and he wasn't.

It's not a crime. The relationship as it was worked for him, it didn't work for her.

She wasn't obligated to stick around if she was unhappy with the progression of the relationship.
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post #52 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 06:04 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

I wondered how long it would take her to admit she wasn't okay with you not moving in and decide she should end it.

If the next step after moving in was to be marriage, better to have it end now than get to that step and feel you were still missing the "in love" part and didn't want to marry her (assuming that would be the case).
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post #53 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 06:38 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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Ive been dating my current GF for the last 2 yrs. Overall, its been very good between us and ive grown quite a bit in the dept of discussing issues that come up instead of running away from them, thanks to her.
So....my kids and I spend a lot of time with her and her kids at her house. This has led us to entertain the idea of moving in with her. My daughter (15) is aware of the possibikity and is cool with it, but i havent told my 10 yr old son yet. I worry he may struggle with the transition and having to share a room for the first time.
I am about to put ny house on the market but now i am having doubts pop up in my head. Part of me feels its stupid while the other part of me wonders if it's legit.
I believe part of it is losing a part of my independence. It can be loud and chaotic at times at her house with 4 kids. While at my house, its much more chill obviously. Also, if it doesnt work out, i worry that i have put my kids thru a possibly awkward and difficult situation. I do admit i struggle with taking chances. I am notorious for finding circumstances that make me comfortable and i prefer to keep it that way. I doubt that's a healthy trait.
Anyways, if anyone has any advice or can speak from experience i would truly welcome it. Thank you!
Blended households are hard ... get a good pre-nup. You both are grown up and have assets. Save any future pain by sorting out the rules before you get in too deep.
Once you sell your house, you will be briefly cash rich, so mentally prepare how not to splurge it all away. If you do development on her assets, make sure you get a written appendment for the pre-nup that recognises what you're putting in.
Personally I'd recommend putting your proceeds into a real Trust for your and your kids, and then managing that at "arms length". And for her to do the same thing.

Takes a lot of the financial pressure/expectations off the relationship and finance is the number one killer of relationships.

Then you both have to work on becoming a different person than the one your ex broke up with.

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post #54 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 06:43 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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You're not.

You have those doubts for a reason.
I'd be more concerned if he wasn't having those doubts.

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post #55 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 09:39 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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Originally Posted by Houstondad View Post
Well, the latest is that she ended the relationship last week.

Despite her well intended email about respecting my hesitation to move in, it did not last long. She told me she feels rejected and admitted that much of this reminded her of issues from her former marriage and her EX.

She had initially requested that we scale it back, especially with the kids around. So The last couple of weeks of our relationship, i was communicating with her everyday by phone and text since her kids were home. And i would initiate all of the calls and texts. This became frustrating. We would have arguments when we would discuss these arrangements. She would tell me one thing ( she wants a break from talking because it was too awkward for her) and then get upset with me when i gave her this space.

Said i didnt care and i was supposed to pursue her if i cared. I was only reapecting her wishes. It was like she was sending mixed messages and i was supposed to be smart enough to figure it out. Frustrating! I felt i was dammed if i do, dammed if i dont. The whole process sort of numbed me. And then i began to realize it was very likely all that she was doing was to help her detach from me.

Ultimately, i told her what i wanted for our current relationship. Said i wanted to spend more time with her and the kids. Just like before but a little less frequently because of how she felt about scaling it back. Said i knew she wanted me to move in and I still wasnt ready right now.

I told her i missed her and that and i love her. She didnt believe me because i should have been pursuing her.

She replied that i am not meeting her needs and that it was over. She returned things of mine this week and is already updating her Facebook status.

I know i could have prevented this by giving in to her ultimatums, but thats not how i wanted to make my decision. I sit here dissapointed in how this fell apart. Despite loving each other and getting along fairly well, she decided me not moving in now is a deal breaker. But she painted it as that i didn't care about her and was not meeting her needs. She blames me for the failure and ending of our relationship. I really miss her despite the last month or so.
Think you missed a bullet there.
Judging from her actions she's a perfectly normal person with some mixed ideas about what she wants and who she is. She doesn't want you there because that means she has to "put up" (ie give full time consideration to you, thus you're no longer the convenient full-time boyfriend/love interest, and part-time conveniently useful baby daddy who is useful (to fix things) ).
When you were convenient she wants full commitment/ownership; but when that means changing her lifestyle and owing you for your major changes (thus responsibility to Make it work) then she gets cold feet.

If you had gone ahead, you would have spent the rest of your time trying to adjust to her wants, while being ignored so she can pursue "her important things"


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post #56 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 10:20 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Houstondad,

I'm sorry that your relationship ended like this. But I think that one day you are going to look back and realize that this is for the better.

When one door closes, another opens. I am hoping that you now find someone who will be even better for you and your children.

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post #57 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

I truly appreciate everyone's input (even those of you who are critical of me). Because I know that I had a lot to do with why I am in the position I am in. I'm just trying to figure all this out and so I'm here venting and looking for more answers.

Putting myself in my "ex-gf's" shoes, I can understand why she is hurt that I don't want to move in with her. And it's probably because moving in is the next step towards marriage (even though she never mentioned marriage) to her and/or showing how committed I should be to the importance of the relationship. I don't necessarily agree with that last part, but that's only my opinion. I think you can be happily committed and not living together. I just wasn't ready for Commitment 2.0 I guess.
Also, she's not getting any younger and feels like she doesn't want to waste her time with me if she is looking for marriage right now.

And now, I'm feeling hurt too. I wish she could have had more patience with me while I try to sort my feelings and future goals out. I asked her to please give me a chance to figure it out, but that didn't last a week.
To end our relationship this way hurts because I still wanted to be with her. I told her I wasn't ready but that didn't mean I was never going to move in. I know I mentioned I wasn't "-in love" with her. I know it sounds bad because that is what we typically here on this forum talk about when a spouse who has just betrayed us! But I wonder if I was more comfortable in the relationship and not having those in-love butterflies we feel at the start of a relationship?

But I do love her, care about her and enjoy spending time with her. I told her this. We have maintained a strong physical chemistry between us and we were respectful towards each other and comfortable. And we weren't terrible in the emotional part. But she did like to talk about issues between us she was not happy with (much of it coming from her insecurities) and I did not like talking about them because it made me feel uncomfortable. But I still gave those conversations my best shot!

But I realize now that I lack vulnerability and quite possibly emotional unavailability. I was in 2 other relationships (not counting my marriage) before this one and they only lasted a few months. It's hard for me to emotionally connect with exactly why I feel less vulnerable, but I have a strong feeling that after getting hurt by my ex-wife, that I am cautious of allowing it to happen again. This isn't intentional! But on an subconscious/emotional level, I think it's there. I wonder if this is why I'm not "in-love"? Like I've mentioned before in an early post ( I think), I don't have the same giddy feelings of moving-in and getting married like I did when I was in my 20's with my ex-wife. I had no doubt in my mind I wanted to marry her back then. But I don't have those same exact feelings now. Is it normal for those feelings to be different because I'm older or is there something wrong?? Do people settle for "ok" when the remarry or do they have those same feelings or greater when they married the first time?

Emotional unavailability? This one I'm not sure. The minute my old partners became confrontational about something, I turned and ran. And I almost did it a couple of times early on in my recent relationship. But she was good at convincing me not to run, and I was thankful I didn't. And I did better at having those "uncomfortable" conversations with her. But I also did things for her, flowers, cards, love notes, etc. too. I wanted to be exclusively with her and I was the one who initiated the "will you be my girlfriend"? Is that emotionally unavailable? I don't know.
But once I opted not to move in with her, she decided we should take a step back, spend less time together. We did and despite my attempts to keep in touch with calling her and texting, she got mad because it wasn't enough and we would have confrontations/ arguments. Yes, the one thing I struggled with became too much. And ultimately I caved in to the pressure and this pushed me further away. And I think I became emotionally unavailable and it only convinced her that I did not care for her, even though I do. But it was so stressful at the time and it wore me down. And I wonder if she became emotionally unavailable too?

Over the last 2 years, as the rose colored glasses faded, I did see her insecurities: jealousy & trust. And she admitted these were unresolved things from her previous marriage.
These were not the only reasons I froze when it was time to take the next step, but they played a factor. I was scared that if these things were not resolved (along with several other things such as my lack of vulnerability/feelings, my kids, etc.), that breaking up AFTER we move in was going to be a BIGGER mistake. I didn't think those insecurities were permanent just the same as my hesitation to move in was likely not permanent. I hoped that we could invest more into correcting her insecurities and my lack of vulnerability before we broke up.

Finally, we haven't communicated since last week. As the stress from it all has subsided, I am realizing I miss her and I have the urges to reach out to her. But I wonder if it's best to let her go so she can find someone who is looking to get married soon? I love her enough that I want her to be happy.
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post #58 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 10:57 AM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Don't contact her. That just makes it more difficult. If eventually she is willing to settle for what you are willing to offer then she can let you know but that's up to her.

She might do some serious looking around and discover she can't do better. At that point it will be up to you if you want her back. But for now let it go.
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post #59 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 05:29 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Quote:
Originally Posted by Houstondad View Post
I truly appreciate everyone's input (even those of you who are critical of me). Because I know that I had a lot to do with why I am in the position I am in. I'm just trying to figure all this out and so I'm here venting and looking for more answers.

Putting myself in my "ex-gf's" shoes, I can understand why she is hurt that I don't want to move in with her. And it's probably because moving in is the next step towards marriage (even though she never mentioned marriage) to her and/or showing how committed I should be to the importance of the relationship. I don't necessarily agree with that last part, but that's only my opinion. I think you can be happily committed and not living together. I just wasn't ready for Commitment 2.0 I guess.
Also, she's not getting any younger and feels like she doesn't want to waste her time with me if she is looking for marriage right now.

And now, I'm feeling hurt too. I wish she could have had more patience with me while I try to sort my feelings and future goals out. I asked her to please give me a chance to figure it out, but that didn't last a week.
To end our relationship this way hurts because I still wanted to be with her. I told her I wasn't ready but that didn't mean I was never going to move in. I know I mentioned I wasn't "-in love" with her. I know it sounds bad because that is what we typically here on this forum talk about when a spouse who has just betrayed us! But I wonder if I was more comfortable in the relationship and not having those in-love butterflies we feel at the start of a relationship?

But I do love her, care about her and enjoy spending time with her. I told her this. We have maintained a strong physical chemistry between us and we were respectful towards each other and comfortable. And we weren't terrible in the emotional part. But she did like to talk about issues between us she was not happy with (much of it coming from her insecurities) and I did not like talking about them because it made me feel uncomfortable. But I still gave those conversations my best shot!

But I realize now that I lack vulnerability and quite possibly emotional unavailability. I was in 2 other relationships (not counting my marriage) before this one and they only lasted a few months. It's hard for me to emotionally connect with exactly why I feel less vulnerable, but I have a strong feeling that after getting hurt by my ex-wife, that I am cautious of allowing it to happen again. This isn't intentional! But on an subconscious/emotional level, I think it's there. I wonder if this is why I'm not "in-love"? Like I've mentioned before in an early post ( I think), I don't have the same giddy feelings of moving-in and getting married like I did when I was in my 20's with my ex-wife. I had no doubt in my mind I wanted to marry her back then. But I don't have those same exact feelings now. Is it normal for those feelings to be different because I'm older or is there something wrong?? Do people settle for "ok" when the remarry or do they have those same feelings or greater when they married the first time?

Emotional unavailability? This one I'm not sure. The minute my old partners became confrontational about something, I turned and ran. And I almost did it a couple of times early on in my recent relationship. But she was good at convincing me not to run, and I was thankful I didn't. And I did better at having those "uncomfortable" conversations with her. But I also did things for her, flowers, cards, love notes, etc. too. I wanted to be exclusively with her and I was the one who initiated the "will you be my girlfriend"? Is that emotionally unavailable? I don't know.
But once I opted not to move in with her, she decided we should take a step back, spend less time together. We did and despite my attempts to keep in touch with calling her and texting, she got mad because it wasn't enough and we would have confrontations/ arguments. Yes, the one thing I struggled with became too much. And ultimately I caved in to the pressure and this pushed me further away. And I think I became emotionally unavailable and it only convinced her that I did not care for her, even though I do. But it was so stressful at the time and it wore me down. And I wonder if she became emotionally unavailable too?

Over the last 2 years, as the rose colored glasses faded, I did see her insecurities: jealousy & trust. And she admitted these were unresolved things from her previous marriage.
These were not the only reasons I froze when it was time to take the next step, but they played a factor. I was scared that if these things were not resolved (along with several other things such as my lack of vulnerability/feelings, my kids, etc.), that breaking up AFTER we move in was going to be a BIGGER mistake. I didn't think those insecurities were permanent just the same as my hesitation to move in was likely not permanent. I hoped that we could invest more into correcting her insecurities and my lack of vulnerability before we broke up.

Finally, we haven't communicated since last week. As the stress from it all has subsided, I am realizing I miss her and I have the urges to reach out to her. But I wonder if it's best to let her go so she can find someone who is looking to get married soon? I love her enough that I want her to be happy.
Please don't contact her. She is trying to heal, and so are you, and you will send very mixed messages to her if you keep reaching out saying ''I miss you, (er...but not enough to move in with you.'') lol I wouldn't contact her anymore.

I've not been married yet, but was engaged this year. When I was engaged, I was very caught up in planning an awesome wedding and the idea of love. Chemistry was amazing, but he wasn't the one. I don't believe in soul mates, but I do believe in being really picky about marriage. I don't want to go through a divorce. That said, the guy I'm seeing now, the chemistry is amazing, but there is more there...much more. And being with him just feels right, and like 'home.' If you have to analyze and go over things over and over again in your head about a relationship, it's not the right relationship for you. There should just be a flow to a really awesome relationship that feels right, and you didn't have that with her. I don't think you're afraid of moving in, I think she wasn't the right one. That's just my opinion. Stay strong, things will get better.
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post #60 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 02:22 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

I have been in your shoes and it sucks man. Sometimes you can't get on the same page about how a relationship is going to progress. She isn't willing to wait around so best to let her go.

You have to remember that this is what dating is, getting to know one another and learning if you are compatable. She wasn't. Doesn't make her wrong or evil, plenty of people want to rush into aspects of relationships. All it means is you weren't right for one another. Hopefully the next one will be better.


Good luck
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