Getting cold feet movein w/ GF - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 09:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

I kinda feel like I'm in a Catch-22 with her right now with contact/ no-contact.


If I contact her to let her know I miss her (which is true), it would be manipulative. Because despite that I really miss her and want to go back to what we once had in our relationship, I know that she doesn't want the old relationship (even though it was good), but that she wants the "next-step" relationship with me moving my kids in with her. And I just don't feel 100% comfortable with doing that right now.

If I don't contact her, she will definitely take it (as she is right now) that I never cared for her and threw her away like a piece of trash. And that I strung her along this whole time, which is not true. I just honestly lived in the moment with her, and never gave the future much thought. I'm certain now, that envisioning a future together and married was what she's been thinking for awhile now.

It does suck, because I hurt someone I cared about and the one thing they'll take away from this current breakup was that I was cold and did not care. Which is not true! Not meaning to sound conceited, but I was a good partner to her the last 2 yrs. I always treated her with respect and met her needs while she met mine.
But I just couldn't seal the deal with her in the end. Does that make me sound like a non-committal, selfish and controlling jerk? I don't know.
The bottom line is that I know right now I can not give her what she wants, and because of this she is unhappy. And I love her enough that letting her go and not contacting her so she can let me go so her pain doesn't last long and she can find someone who will satisfy her need of that commitment, is the right thing to do.

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post #62 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 09:39 AM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

as much as it hurts now, i think in the long run you dodged a bullet.

anyone worth spending your life with is worth waiting for.
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post #63 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 01:07 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

I disagree with anyone who wrote "trust your instinct you didn't move in with her because your gut was telling you something" or words to that effect, it's complete BS.

I've been where you are, and it's normal to be scared to make a major life change especially when it afffects your kids.

You hesitated, you lost a woman you obviously care about.

So do what I did- move in with her but don't be so quick to sell your house. Leave it vacant or let a friend or relative stay there or better yet, keep it as a rental property.

Things go south, you cut your ties and move back in. After 6 months of living together you'll have a much better idea of how it's going to go.

Of course this will only happen if you get another chance.

Either call her and tell her you screwed up and you are willing to move in, or wait and see if she contacts you first.
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post #64 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 02:17 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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Originally Posted by Houstondad View Post
I kinda feel like I'm in a Catch-22 with her right now with contact/ no-contact.


If I contact her to let her know I miss her (which is true), it would be manipulative. Because despite that I really miss her and want to go back to what we once had in our relationship, I know that she doesn't want the old relationship (even though it was good), but that she wants the "next-step" relationship with me moving my kids in with her. And I just don't feel 100% comfortable with doing that right now.

If I don't contact her, she will definitely take it (as she is right now) that I never cared for her and threw her away like a piece of trash. And that I strung her along this whole time, which is not true. I just honestly lived in the moment with her, and never gave the future much thought. I'm certain now, that envisioning a future together and married was what she's been thinking for awhile now.

It does suck, because I hurt someone I cared about and the one thing they'll take away from this current breakup was that I was cold and did not care. Which is not true! Not meaning to sound conceited, but I was a good partner to her the last 2 yrs. I always treated her with respect and met her needs while she met mine.
But I just couldn't seal the deal with her in the end. Does that make me sound like a non-committal, selfish and controlling jerk? I don't know.
The bottom line is that I know right now I can not give her what she wants, and because of this she is unhappy. And I love her enough that letting her go and not contacting her so she can let me go so her pain doesn't last long and she can find someone who will satisfy her need of that commitment, is the right thing to do.
In the end she is going to paint you as the bad guy because it's easier to say "he wouldn't commit" than "I was forcing him to do something he wasn't ready for". Just bcause she says it doesn't make it so.

You did the right thing and if she cared she would have waited. I agree with others you dodged a bullet and I think in time you'll see that.
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post #65 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 03:11 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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In the end she is going to paint you as the bad guy because it's easier to say "he wouldn't commit" than "I was forcing him to do something he wasn't ready for". Just bcause she says it doesn't make it so.

You did the right thing and if she cared she would have waited. I agree with others you dodged a bullet and I think in time you'll see that.
There's no bad guy here, and it's unfair to even suggest she'd paint him as one.

She wasn't happy with the pace of things and she's not required to be. She made her feelings known and then ended things, which is what everyone would say is the right thing to do.

She's not obligated to wait for him.

Either one can end things if they're not happy. He's not entitled to have the relationship on his terms any more than she is.
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post #66 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 03:12 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

HD, when your kids are grown...

Join a monastery.

Please?
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post #67 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 03:29 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

You have kids, though. If you're unsure, don't keep bringing someone in and out of THEIR lives. You shouldn't only be thinking of yourself. And she has kids too. I just think you marry someone and then move in, especially when kids are involved, like you both have. You're both not single and without kids, you have others to think about.
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post #68 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 03:34 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
There's no bad guy here, and it's unfair to even suggest she'd paint him as one.

She wasn't happy with the pace of things and she's not required to be. She made her feelings known and then ended things, which is what everyone would say is the right thing to do.

She's not obligated to wait for him.

Either one can end things if they're not happy. He's not entitled to have the relationship on his terms any more than she is.
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THIS ^^^^^

You are being way to hard on yourself because you both were at different places in the relationship. Your feelings, wants & needs are just as important as hers. She is going to think whatever she wants but there is no going back. No contact is best for everyone. Anything else will confuse the situation.
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post #69 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 06:05 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
There's no bad guy here, and it's unfair to even suggest she'd paint him as one.

She wasn't happy with the pace of things and she's not required to be. She made her feelings known and then ended things, which is what everyone would say is the right thing to do.

She's not obligated to wait for him.

Either one can end things if they're not happy. He's not entitled to have the relationship on his terms any more than she is.
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Holy hell you are assuming way to much

I didn't say she would, I should have said she could, say any of those things I said it's perfectly normal reaction to blame the other person and not take stock in what you did in the relationship to not make it work.

She is not obligated to wait for him, I never said that. He is also not obligated to move faster than he is comfortable either

I never said he was entitled any more than she is. Again you read way to much or possibly what you wanted to see in my response...which I stand by
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post #70 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-12-2016, 12:39 AM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

@Houstondad with the passage of time and no contact, you will gain a better perspective on this relationship. I think you acted honorably and with kindness towards your ex, even though it hurt you to do so.

She does not know what you did for her but if you tell her you will only prolong her grief. She will meet someone who wants the same things she wants and you cannot stand in her way.

You will also meet someone and take the next step with no hesitation. You loved your ex but not enough to marry her. You could not have known this before now. It's not unusual to need 12 - 24 months to decide on the next move. Now you know.

It's best to continue NC lest she mistake the resumption of the old relation as a sign that you changed your mind.


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Last edited by Catherine602; 09-12-2016 at 11:46 AM.
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post #71 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-12-2016, 02:15 AM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

I agree with aspects of both sides - I think she knew what she wanted and that was to be worth it to the right man, enough that he'd be enthusiastic about moving in on her timetable. The reality was that the OP didn't function in that way and wasn't at the point (yet) when he felt that way, and was following his own gut. I've been through such disappointment on her side before, and it stings, confuses the heck out of you, and makes you reconsider if you had the right impression about the guy you were with. You just want what you want, and you think, "what the hell, we're great together, what's his problem with me?" and that starts to kill the love. I'm not saying this is what happened with her, but it did happen to me once.

From the male side, I've learned enough since my experience and from reading TAM that there are points in life when a man knows exactly what he wants, too, and confidently takes the necessary steps. I clearly was not in alignment with the past boyfriend I spoke of, but my current husband and I were on the same page. I spoke my truth, which was to be engaged by X, and living together by Y, with the intention of saying our vows by Z, and if at any time he wasn't comfortable with where things were going, all he had to do was communicate to me and I'd set him free with no argument. He kept to every wish I'd made, and then some. That's because my goals were also important to him and he was a ready man.

So, OP, I'm not going to say you did the right or wrong thing. I think, perhaps you did the right thing for you. It's OK to be honest with yourself and your feelings, and your guilt and catch-22 worries show that you have compassion and empathy. But don't take things too much to heart. If you'd felt ready you wouldn't have hesitated. You were not ready. Own it with honesty. When you are ready, and when you're with a woman that completely aligns with your goals, you won't be hesitating.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #72 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 04:47 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

She was probably deeply hurt that you wouldn't move in with her.

Don't see how she'd take you back now because it would just seem like you're doing it to appease her.
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post #73 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 05:55 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Quote:
Originally Posted by Houstondad View Post
I kinda feel like I'm in a Catch-22 with her right now with contact/ no-contact.


If I contact her to let her know I miss her (which is true), it would be manipulative. Because despite that I really miss her and want to go back to what we once had in our relationship, I know that she doesn't want the old relationship (even though it was good), but that she wants the "next-step" relationship with me moving my kids in with her. And I just don't feel 100% comfortable with doing that right now.

If I don't contact her, she will definitely take it (as she is right now) that I never cared for her and threw her away like a piece of trash. And that I strung her along this whole time, which is not true. I just honestly lived in the moment with her, and never gave the future much thought. I'm certain now, that envisioning a future together and married was what she's been thinking for awhile now.

It does suck, because I hurt someone I cared about and the one thing they'll take away from this current breakup was that I was cold and did not care. Which is not true! Not meaning to sound conceited, but I was a good partner to her the last 2 yrs. I always treated her with respect and met her needs while she met mine.
But I just couldn't seal the deal with her in the end. Does that make me sound like a non-committal, selfish and controlling jerk? I don't know.
The bottom line is that I know right now I can not give her what she wants, and because of this she is unhappy. And I love her enough that letting her go and not contacting her so she can let me go so her pain doesn't last long and she can find someone who will satisfy her need of that commitment, is the right thing to do.

This is all about your ego getting hurt because people will view you a certain way. It is okay to have ego, it is okay to feel hurt because people think you are a jerk or whatever.
Let go of the ego. Let people believe what they wish. Your ex girl might not know you care enough about her, but please leave her alone.
If you contact her, she might believe you want to be together again, if you come out and say you do not want to be together but you want to ensure she knows you cared a lot, she will probably think you are a jerk

I am woman. I know men cared. When I break things off, I do not want an ex to be text me "I miss you" why???? Because I feel they are fvcking with my emotions.

Good luck Houston dad~
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post #74 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-18-2016, 08:51 AM Thread Starter
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I contacted her. Please, before you guys grill me hear me out.

I've spent more time trying to understand why i couldnt make the move. And i finally discovered I was AFRAID. Afraid it would fail. It would be taking a chance to move my kids in and sell/leave behind much that I had, but mainly because much of it is an unknown. I was afraid of the statistics saying it'll fail, afraid she would change like my ex-wife did. I rarely take chances in my life. I prefer to be content.

And in the process, i lost someone who i love very much and hurt them with my inability to cope with my feelings.amd other outside anxiety such as work at that time, anniversary of my father's death,etc.

I spoke with a counselor and she helped me see much of this.

I am through being afraid and scared, especially of irrational fears. I'm sick of running away from any conflict or attemoted conflict resolution. I am checking my ego at the door and i want to be more vulnerable (picked up the book Daring Greatly by Rene Brown).

So i asked her to meet me face to face and she agreed. And i put all my feelings out there to her yesterday. I apologized for not being stronger to deal with our conflict, i apologized for hurting her and making her feel rejected. And i told her what i wanted. I told her that i am working on myself to be a better person, and i don't want to do that with anyone else, i want to change with her.
I've never felt so determined to make changes in my life now because what o was doing was detrimental to all my past relationships.
Looking her in the eyes, I told her I want to spend the rest of my life with her, because now that the cloud has lifted, i see now that i am in love with her.
She told me how she was frustrated with my behaviors during the last month or so, and how she believed i didn't want to be in the relationship anymore because i was spending more time away and with my family (this was after she told me she wanted space for her kids because she didnt want them to get hurt since she felt i was ready to bail). I told her i gave her space, but i missed her and the kids and preferred to have been with them. I was only agreeing to her request. She broke us up because she thought i was being too nice and didn't want to be the bad guy. I didnt want to break up i said, but i just felt that is what she wanted and i wasn't able to handle the conflict resolution.
She told me she had her heart broken, she cried every night and said this was worse than her divorce. She feels i abandoned her and it brought up a lot of enotional baggage from her past. I felt like the biggest jerk on the planet. I had no idea that was what she was thinking and what she's been through the last few weeks. I would never hurt her, but in the end of our relationship, that's exactly what happened.

We spent 2 hrs talking about everything, mostly i was doing the talking. It was hard for me to do. She did want to know what i wanted if we continued the relationship and what it would look like to me. I spoke at length, but in a nutshell, i was done with being scared and i was ready to start a new family ( which is what we basically we were already doing with the kids) and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I can take it slow if she prefers because now i damaged her trust and is she willing to take a chance to have her heart hurt again?
I understand. I only hope she loves me enough to give me a second chance and believes me when i say how serious i am. I want couples counseling, i want to do the five love languages with her. She asked about questions about why i want to spend the rest of my life with her and i laid it all out there too.
I had an epiphany and it knocked some serious sense in to me. But it had to take a breakup and a little time to finally figure it out for it to happen. Im such an idiot.

She asked why i waited so long. I told her i had advice of letting her go. Other advice from people at my work was, you'll appear weak and other said i would be controlling.

But i may be too late. She told me she has been trying to let me go over the last 2-3 weeks since she thought we were done. Purposely thinking only the negative thoughts of me to help her get over me. (That hurt). She asked if she could have time to think it over which i prefer because i want her to be definitely sure. She told me she wanted 24hrs to think about it and would get back with me.

I won't regret putting it all out there with her because if i didn't, it would be one of my biggest regrets in my life. But i feel i may be too late.
We were together 2 years which were great. It was great enough that she was ready to spend the rest of her life with me, and the last 6 weeks was our only true struggles in the conflict from the moment i got cold feet. I really worry she is already over me after 3 weeks.
So fire away everyone.
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post #75 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-18-2016, 09:00 AM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

What about your children?
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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