Getting cold feet movein w/ GF - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-18-2016, 09:30 AM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

No one should rightfully "grill" you here. Maybe inject some alternative opinions. You made your choice in wanting to speak with her, so posters here should be respectful of that.

What I will say though, is that based on this:

Originally Posted by Houstondad
i told her what i wanted. I told her that i am working on myself to be a better person, and i don't want to do that with anyone else, i want to change with her.
.. is going to make her think A LOT and is not something I would have suggested you tell her.

She's going to think about whether she wants to live with a work in progress, or with a man that's already worked through his fears.

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but really, you should not be in a relationship (nor should she) until you are both fully healed (or as healed as possible) from your respective past baggage.

The reason I say this is, the way you frame the discussion is that you are looking for the RELATIONSHIP WITH HER to heal you of your fears. Nuh-uh. It is YOU that must work on this and heal yourself, without her.

She may not process this in the next 24 hours, but down the line, she's going to look at this as another burden beyond her children... that her role is to help you fix yourself. From her perspective, maybe your role is to help her get over her abandonment issues. Doesn't seem bad on paper, right? You fill each other's needs in a way? Here's why this kind of need fulfillment is one that I am overly wary of:

We all have issues in one form or another, some more than others, but any dependence on another person to fix your problems is just not going to be conducive to a sustainable, long term relationship. Your issues may resolve themselves over time with her, and hers may resolve over time with you, which is great, but then the thing(s) that drew you both together is/are no longer an issue! So, the need for each other becomes less, and then you find yourselves drifting apart because you don't have that dependency any longer.

I'm honestly not trying to squash your hope and I admit I could be completely wrong. I don't live in your shoes. I'm trying to keep you seeing clearly.

Healing from past trauma/damage/divorce/abuse/etc is HARD and sometimes it's UGLY because you must face your fears to do it correctly. It's EASY to find and cling to someone that makes you forget the difficulty of how HARD that healing process is. Bonding easily with someone else even tricks you into thinking you ARE healed. Instead, what you're doing is ignoring your own issues for the sake of caring for another with greater perceived trauma (your gf's abandonment issues/crying).

I cried for 3 months straight when my ex husband and I separated and I moved back in with my family. Did that mean that he was to blame for everything? No, it meant that I was processing through my feelings. Beware of your gf making you feel that you DID certain things to her. She needs to own some of her own feelings and I feel like you take the lion's share of the responsibility when it is not your due. You are falling over yourself to apologize when not all of this is yours to own.

I'm not sure what else I can offer. I could be completely wrong and most of the time I hope I am!
I have just seen too much of the real world maybe... In any case, I sincerely wish you and your gf all the best!

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #77 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-18-2016, 11:41 AM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Assuming she does decide to give you another chance, you need to make sure the two of you are on the same page with parenting. IIRC, at one time you didn't like her parenting style. Maybe that's already been resolved but if it hasn't then some basic rules need to be in place before you and your children move in. Otherwise, there may be resentment if one parent is more permissive than the other. Hopefully, that won't happen but trying to blend families can be tricky. Address potential problems early before they become deal-breakers.
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post #78 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-18-2016, 01:22 PM Thread Starter
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You guys have been easy on me so far. Satya, thank you for putting so much feeling and concern into your message. I didn't mean to come across like i am a broken man and it will take months or years to fix while she puts up with it. It sounds bad now that i think of it. The breakup was a giant wake up call for me. There's alot i have realized already. But i know talk is cheap, so it's all about me putting it into action.

It's my opinion that there's so much good to the relationship that it's sad to throw away without trying. The one thing that set so much negativity in motion was me not wanting to move in. But now i realize i have nothing to be afraid of and i want to make the commitment. I feel this can be a start in help healing as long as i handle things better.

I dont know what everyone's view is on couples counseling, but i would want that for us and already left a message with the counsel.

My kids have been asking about her and her kids. I feel i allowed my fears of the worst case scenario take over as reality if i moved them in. Turned out they wanted to move in.

As for parenting and all the other things with moving in, i want to discuss with her if she gives us a chance.
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post #79 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-18-2016, 05:45 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

She has a lot of her own baggage too and she brought it to your relationship. Is she also going for individual counselling? She needs it as much as you. That is not to insult your future bride. She made a lot of assumptions when breaking up. She also was not effectively communicating to you. She pushed you away because she thought you might leave, then faulted you for being away? WTF?

This does not (can not) all have to be on her terms. It has to be equal or it will not work out. Remember that. You need to work out the long term plan. Short term, you already listed that above.

Best of luck to you both.
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post #80 of 80 (permalink) Old 09-18-2016, 10:06 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Not to beat you up... I am certainly not the best person to give relationship advice if you read my threads.

But... if she truly loves you, she ain't gonna get over you in three weeks....

So you are engaged? You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her.

My concern would be that perhaps you came to this conclusion because you missed her. I am a bit concerned that you perhaps ignored (or over-rode) your instincts. Instincts are usually correct.

I wish you the best.
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