No one should rightfully "grill" you here. Maybe inject some alternative opinions. You made your choice in wanting to speak with her, so posters here should be respectful of that.
What I will say though, is that based on this:
Originally Posted by Houstondad
i told her what i wanted. I told her that i am working on myself to be a better person, and i don't want to do that with anyone else, i want to change with her.
.. is going to make her think A LOT and is not something I would have suggested you tell her.
She's going to think about whether she wants to live with a work in progress, or with a man that's already worked through his fears.
I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but really, you should not be in a relationship (nor should she) until you are both fully healed (or as healed as possible) from your respective past baggage.
The reason I say this is, the way you frame the discussion is that you are looking for the RELATIONSHIP WITH HER to heal you of your fears. Nuh-uh. It is YOU that must work on this and heal yourself, without her.
She may not process this in the next 24 hours, but down the line, she's going to look at this as another burden beyond her children... that her role is to help you fix yourself. From her perspective, maybe your role is to help her get over her abandonment issues. Doesn't seem bad on paper, right? You fill each other's needs in a way? Here's why this kind of need fulfillment is one that I am overly wary of:
We all have issues in one form or another, some more than others, but any dependence on another person to fix your problems is just not going to be conducive to a sustainable, long term relationship. Your issues may resolve themselves over time with her, and hers may resolve over time with you, which is great, but then the thing(s) that drew you both together is/are no longer an issue! So, the need for each other becomes less, and then you find yourselves drifting apart because you don't have that dependency any longer.
I'm honestly not trying to squash your hope and I admit I could be completely wrong. I don't live in your shoes. I'm trying to keep you seeing clearly.
Healing from past trauma/damage/divorce/abuse/etc is HARD and sometimes it's UGLY because you must face your fears to do it correctly. It's EASY to find and cling to someone that makes you forget the difficulty of how HARD that healing process is. Bonding easily with someone else even tricks you into thinking you ARE healed. Instead, what you're doing is ignoring your own issues for the sake of caring for another with greater perceived trauma (your gf's abandonment issues/crying).
I cried for 3 months straight when my ex husband and I separated and I moved back in with my family. Did that mean that he was to blame for everything? No, it meant that I was processing through my feelings. Beware of your gf making you feel that you DID certain things to her. She needs to own some of her own feelings and I feel like you take the lion's share of the responsibility when it is not your due. You are falling over yourself to apologize when not all of this is yours to own.
I'm not sure what else I can offer. I could be completely wrong and most of the time I hope I am!
I have just seen too much of the real world maybe... In any case, I sincerely wish you and your gf all the best!