Getting cold feet movein w/ GF - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 09:34 AM Thread Starter
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Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Ive been dating my current GF for the last 2 yrs. Overall, its been very good between us and ive grown quite a bit in the dept of discussing issues that come up instead of running away from them, thanks to her.
So....my kids and I spend a lot of time with her and her kids at her house. This has led us to entertain the idea of moving in with her. My daughter (15) is aware of the possibikity and is cool with it, but i havent told my 10 yr old son yet. I worry he may struggle with the transition and having to share a room for the first time.
I am about to put ny house on the market but now i am having doubts pop up in my head. Part of me feels its stupid while the other part of me wonders if it's legit.
I believe part of it is losing a part of my independence. It can be loud and chaotic at times at her house with 4 kids. While at my house, its much more chill obviously. Also, if it doesnt work out, i worry that i have put my kids thru a possibly awkward and difficult situation. I do admit i struggle with taking chances. I am notorious for finding circumstances that make me comfortable and i prefer to keep it that way. I doubt that's a healthy trait.
Anyways, if anyone has any advice or can speak from experience i would truly welcome it. Thank you!

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post #2 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 09:53 AM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Who's pushing the move-in?

If you are not entirely comfortable with it, I wouldn't do it.

is she marriage material, or do you not want to get married?

If you move in and bad things happen like you're worried about, you will not only blame yourself, but maybe have resentment from your son.

if you stay put, you lose nothing except maybe your gf upset with you.
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post #3 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 09:58 AM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Don't do it. You have that feeling for a reason.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #4 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 10:05 AM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Whose idea was this. What are the advantages of giving up your home? You are placing yourself and your children in a position of dependency on your gf. She controls where you and your children live or don't live. It's her house and you are welcomed to visit as long as she pleases.

Keep in mind that there will be a change in the dynamic when you give up your independence and put her in charge of where you and your children live. You have only known her for two yrs, you can't predict how this will change the relationship.

What are the financial arrangements? You will be paying part of the mortgage but accruing no equity. I don't think it will cost you any less living apart than living together. You shift your resources into helping her meet her obligations. Instead of paying for a place you have control over, you pay into her place that she controls.

The biggest thing to consider is the impact on your children. They should be the priority. Your son is especially vulnerable. He is going from a home where his dad is in charge and he has his own room to one where his dad is a bystander. He loses his privacy and becomes a guess in some kids bedroom. It will be unsettling for you all.

If you insist on living with her, do it in a way that is equally advantageous for yourself and her and all of the children. Sell both houses and buy a new one with enough room for every one. If you don't think the relationship is stable enough for that then why are you selling your house?

What wrong with the way things are now?

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post #5 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 03:44 PM Thread Starter
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She brought it up about 8 months ago, but it was very low key. Since then we've had several conversations about it with me bringin it up half the time and she the other half. The idea originated from the kids and i spending the majority of our time at her place, than ours. I do know she hates seeing us leave at night to go home to sleep and get ready for the next day. She'd rather we stay. Then about 3 months ago, my mortgage sky rocketed by nearly $400 more a month. So it made the idea even more appealing. However, just recently i managed to drop it back down close to it's original cost, thanks to a few adjustments (homestead and home insurance). Now that the finances is no longer a giant issue, i am begining to question things again. I admit that being influenced by financial benefit is not necessarily the smartest move either, but it was about to cost me my house.

Yes, my 3 biggest reservations is
1. a bit more crowded space
2. my kids (particularly my son) dealing with sharing a room and
3. less independence.

Benefits:
1. Dont feel like I am wasting money on a home i spend less time in than hers.
2. Spend more time with my gf and family.
3. Less expenses

I feel like an indecisive fool and coward if i back out now, yet i know it can be much worse if i go through with it and possibly later become miserable and then back out. If i change my mind, I'm not sure how and what to say without her becoming extremely upset and feeling rejected.

But what if this is all in my head and I'm acting irrational in doubting such a move?
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post #6 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 03:48 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

You're not.

You have those doubts for a reason.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #7 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 04:07 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Are you thinking about marrying her?

Talking about moving in together is fine, but it gets way more serious when there are children involved. Do both of you have full physical custody of your kids? So it would be 4 kids full time? What are the ages of her kids?

There is a lot to think about/discuss/work out regarding blended families.

Maybe some premarital counseling? Or family counseling that specializes in blended families. Because there will be so many questions once your kids are residents and not just visitors. Chores, rewards, consequences, family time vs. parent time vs. date nite, respect issues, so many things.

You could put this to her without sounding scared.....just in the manner of "best interest of ALL the kids".

And then ya, sell both houses and buy one TOGETHER. Because either you are doing this TOGETHER or not.
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post #8 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 04:35 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

There is no hurry, it won't hurt to wait 6 months will it? There is a reason that you hesitate and I think you should follow that. If it's something relating to the relationship then work on resolving that first.

Actually, this may not be a bad thing. Dating is a trail period to determine if you are comparable for the LT. Part of the test is the way you handle what you are facing now, differences. This will come up again and again throughout your relationship.

You should feel comfortable discussing your concerns with her. Her reaction should go into your decision to move and your consideration of the potential for things working out LT. If you can't then you should hold off on the decision to move because.

If she gets upset in a way that you can't handle then you may need to work on conflict resolution before deciding to move.

Also, consider the reasons you both D. Are you repeating mistakes you made in the first marriages?

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post #9 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 04:40 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

You really want to be her dependent? Living under her roof at her pleasure? I don't know....as a man I couldn't live that way. And I sure couldn't put my kids in that position.
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post #10 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 04:52 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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Originally Posted by Houstondad View Post

Yes, my 3 biggest reservations is
1. a bit more crowded space
2. my kids (particularly my son) dealing with sharing a room and
3. less independence.

Benefits:
1. Dont feel like I am wasting money on a home i spend less time in than hers.
2. Spend more time with my gf and family.
3. Less expenses

I feel like an indecisive fool and coward if i back out now, yet i know it can be much worse if i go through with it and possibly later become miserable and then back out. If i change my mind, I'm not sure how and what to say without her becoming extremely upset and feeling rejected.

But what if this is all in my head and I'm acting irrational in doubting such a move?
If you are having reservations, don't move in!!

All your reservations are valid.

The benefits seem more monetary than anything else. Saving $ is not a good reason to join households. Your children don't care about the $, all they know is that Dad is h*rney and because of that they don't get their own room anymore. If the two of you were wanting to get married, and commit for life, then it would make sense, and your children would understand it better.

You will really feel like a fool and a coward if you move in with her, it doesn't go well, and then you have to figure out how to afford to move back out.

She should not feel rejected if you do not move in. Hopefully she respects your boundaries, and your children's and your need for independence, since the two of you aren't ready to get married and share everything.

If you stopped seeing her all together, then she would have a good reason to feel rejected.

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post #11 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 05:32 PM Thread Starter
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I'll talk with her tonight about my reservations. I'll keep you posted.
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post #12 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 10:19 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Sorry maybe I missed it but I don't see where you said you are totally in love with her AND how excited you are to move in together AND can't wait to share a life together. It all seems to about convenience and finances.

I agree with JLD.
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post #13 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 10:24 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
You have those doubts for a reason.
Just because he has concerns doesn't mean it's not a good move for him. It's normal to get cold feet before making a major life change.

You think people don't have second thoughts about getting married, or leaving one job for another? Or ending a bad relationship?

The list goes on and on.
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post #14 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 10:46 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Why are you spending so much time at her house instead of her and her kids spending about half the time at your house?

To me, this whole thing sounds like it's rigged for her convenience and the inconvenience of you and your children.

When I remarried, my son and my step son had to share a room. Neither of them had ever shared a room before. It was a disaster. In your case, your son will be moving into the space of your gfs son. The gfs son will most likely resent your son for this. Thats an uncomfortable situation for your son as well. It really puts him in a bad situation.

On top of that, you are moving into HER home. This seldom works well.

The best bet would be for both of you to sell your homes and buy one that is big enough for all of you.
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post #15 of 80 (permalink) Old 07-09-2016, 10:47 PM
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Re: Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

You should wait, until your reasons have more to do with her/you both, than with finances, etc. I'm not into people living together before they're married, for a number of reasons. It's too easy to get comfortable, without making a true commitment. Living together and sharing bills doesn't a commitment make. But, sooooo many women do this to men (women do it more often than men), they push the guy to move in with them...hoping they will get the part of the wife, someday. If you are not interested in marrying her, I wouldn't move in. Because that is where she is heading with this.

I broke off my engagement because he wanted to move in, and we just didn't see eye to eye on that. Trust your gut, it won't let you down.
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