No Interest In Dating? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #16 of 38 (permalink) Old 09-05-2016, 12:00 PM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

I'm glad you posted this, Decimated. I'm not exactly in the same boat, but I think I'm in one nearby to you on the same lake.

It's been a little over a year since my divorce was final. XWH left me for the OW. Lives with her now, and has been for about a year. We were married for 25 years, and together for about 2 years before that. I've seen it stated here that it takes about one month for every year you were married to heal from such a thing. So I figure I've got about another year to go.

Right now, I have zero desire to start dating. But at the same time, I do feel lonely much of the time. I'm surrounded by neighbors who are in what seem to be happy, long-time marriages. Only one neighbor is a divorced woman like me, but she's been living with her new-ish boyfriend for about a year, and they seem to be a strong couple. Most of my co-workers and friends are married. They invite me to things, and now and then I'll go ahead and go and be the third wheel.

Funny, I never was one to not like being alone when I was married. My ex was gone about half the time with his job, and I didn't mind being alone at all whenever that happened. Now, I have to admit I feel kind of lost. Friends aren't concerned (yet) that I'm not moving on, because I put on a brave outward appearance, mostly for my 14-year-old son's sake. I go and do things alone, like I often used to when I was married and my husband was out of town. I keep in shape. I'm doing well at work - getting promoted, gaining respect. But I'm kind of miserable most of the time.

I'm hoping in Year 2, it'll get better. As doom and gloom as this sounds, I'm certainly doing about 100% better than I was a year ago. I'd like to be in a committed relationship eventually, but I know I'm not ready for one yet if one were to happen to fall into my lap. I also would not like to subject my son to his Mom being in a new relationship at this point, even if it were a good one and the new boyfriend treated him well (which will be a requirement eventually). I just wouldn't want to put him through all that awkwardness at this point.

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post #17 of 38 (permalink) Old 09-05-2016, 01:50 PM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

I'm odd. I don't like being alone. I don't want to date. I will never be comfortable being alone. I don't want any socalled friends. Though, I'm not sure what you mean by alone. Other than folks at work and TAM, I speak with no one, unless it is at a store where I am purchasing something. No one comes to visit and I ask for no one's company. I would not let them in if they came. I do not answer the phone unless I am expecting a phone call. I do not have a cell or smart phone. I do have an answering machine. If it's important, they leave a message. If they call and don't leave a message, it isn't important. I don't make fancy dinners for myself. I don't have hobbies. I don't go to the movies. I don't rent movies. I don't really do much of anything except TAM and my counselor once a week, besides going to work and the stores necessary to keep me in some food and laundry detergent.

I really have no use for this life at all. That isn't a cry for help. I am on anti depressants. They make me feel numb to feelings and desires. I sometimes blame them for my inaction. I know they are only partly influencing me.

I find my sarcastic humor to be a fun thing to do. Seems as if I am always trying to understand how to make others laugh, since I've been told in the past I was a mood killer. So, let's see how things go.

I remember some of @Decimated's thread. I could not read it. I could not follow it. It ripped my heart out with triggers that were very similar to my own second marriage. I didn't notice this thread when it came out. I only noticed today.

I think living as you like is important. I think being sure you aren't depressed is important. I think the rest you will figure out with a counselor. Don't worry. We usually live life as it comes to us. We don't control much of it. No sense in worrying.

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post #18 of 38 (permalink) Old 09-05-2016, 05:20 PM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Decimated, I went for over 2 years after my first divorce before even attempting dating again. I kept telling myself over and over I'd never date again, let alone marry. My opinion changed over time and with some deep healing. Yours may or may not, but you should never use someone else's compass to plot the direction of your life.

I had to keep telling myself that the people who were pressuring me to date before I was ready (mainly my MOM .... it's what mom's do!) were doing this because they cared for me and wanted to see me happy. Sure, some people don't truly care about your happiness and just want to tell you what to do. Hopefully wisdom and experience can help you to weed out those types vs. those who are truly invested in your happiness.

While it was annoying having that external pressure, I did my best to ignore it and not to get angry with the people that just wished me well. Better to have well wishes from them than to have no one give a damn about my future and happiness. It reminded me that there are people who do root for me.

When I was ready to date, I went through some dating hiccups for about a year and then I found my current husband. I couldn't have predicted it would happen the way it did, but I was absolutely prepared to live the rest of my life happily and alone... OK, maybe with 40 cats.

I've always wondered why people automatically assume that a person can't reach the peak of happiness unless they are in a relationship. Why is that the automatic assumption. Are the number of super-happy marriages enough to promote this idea? I wouldn't think so. A large number of marriages end up in divorce, and of the ones that stay together, I'm sure not all are happy.

The difference in me from the time before my divorce to the present, is that even though I am married and happy I feel confident that I could still have a great life if I ended up alone again. I lost all fears about being alone. My husband and I WANT each other, but we don't NEED each other. There is a big difference. I may not be explaining it well, but that's the only way I know how to put it into words. Our relationship is the sort that I have been hoping for my whole life, it was one I thought I found during my first marriage but I was too young to know the difference.

You must do what suits you! And if people keep bugging you about it, just use my generic phrase to combat useless advice: "The doctor says I'm perfectly fine."

There is nothing more sad or glorious than generations changing hands- John Mellencamp
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post #19 of 38 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 08:17 AM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

Listen to your gut. I dated within 6 months of moving out and kinda got that out of my system. Tried reconciliation, too, and that also didn't feel right.

Had the former guy I dated briefly try again and again to get me to become his sex buddy. Nope, not interested. Right now I'm good single. I know I will date again and be in an LTR again one day, but I'm in no hurry. Again, I'm listening to my gut and making my own choices. And that is really what divorce gives you: the ability to make new decisions about the path of your life. Do what is best for your kids and also for you and you will be fine.
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post #20 of 38 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 04:57 PM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

Just wanted to add that I went out with a group of friends yesterday and one of the ladies who is married has decided I must be depressed and closing myself off to the world. This particular lady is a friend, but not a close one and never heard the icky tale of my divorce. There was a lot of judgment coming out of her. And it was all because I do not date. She decided the way I have chosen to live is not normal and that I should be careful not to damage my children.

I was floored.
I do not share her views, nor do I think I need a partner to make my life worth living. I have friends, work, kids, and an old house. I like not having to change what I want for someone else.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #21 of 38 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 06:59 PM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

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Just wanted to add that I went out with a group of friends yesterday and one of the ladies who is married has decided I must be depressed and closing myself off to the world. This particular lady is a friend, but not a close one and never heard the icky tale of my divorce. There was a lot of judgment coming out of her. And it was all because I do not date. She decided the way I have chosen to live is not normal and that I should be careful not to damage my children.

I was floored.
I do not share her views, nor do I think I need a partner to make my life worth living. I have friends, work, kids, and an old house. I like not having to change what I want for someone else.
I can't understand why everyone believes that a person has to be depressed and weird just because they aren't in a relationship; is everyone else's relationships really that good? I doubt it.

I'm with you, I like not having to change what I do for someone else. Like you, i have an old house, and it's not fixed up, but I'm happy as a lark. I wonder how well that would go over with most women. Not many women are willing to do the "Green Acres" change.

There is nothing more sad or glorious than generations changing hands- John Mellencamp
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post #22 of 38 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 07:33 PM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

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I can't understand why everyone believes that a person has to be depressed and weird just because they aren't in a relationship; is everyone else's relationships really that good? I doubt it.

I'm with you, I like not having to change what I do for someone else. Like you, i have an old house, and it's not fixed up, but I'm happy as a lark. I wonder how well that would go over with most women. Not many women are willing to do the "Green Acres" change.
I also have been called weird by a friend for not being in a relationship (I have a thread on it). I believe it's based in insecurity and the fact most people have no idea how to be happy and alone.

I live in a 1964 concrete block house (built like a brick outhouse), does that constitute as old?
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post #23 of 38 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 09:21 PM
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Cool Re: No Interest In Dating?

Perfectly normal!

I still have numerous trust issues with females of any persuasion, to the point that I may never learn to trust a woman again, after what my filthy, rotten, RSXW did to me during our marriage!

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post #24 of 38 (permalink) Old 09-26-2016, 06:49 AM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

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I also have been called weird by a friend for not being in a relationship (I have a thread on it). I believe it's based in insecurity and the fact most people have no idea how to be happy and alone.

I live in a 1964 concrete block house (built like a brick outhouse), does that constitute as old?
Absolutely! There are people who believe they are incomplete without a partner to "take care of them." Sad really, IMO.

Sure that's an old house, and a challenge to soften the outhouse facade, I bet.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #25 of 38 (permalink) Old 09-26-2016, 07:52 AM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

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Originally Posted by Pluto2 View Post
Just wanted to add that I went out with a group of friends yesterday and one of the ladies who is married has decided I must be depressed and closing myself off to the world. This particular lady is a friend, but not a close one and never heard the icky tale of my divorce. There was a lot of judgment coming out of her. And it was all because I do not date. She decided the way I have chosen to live is not normal and that I should be careful not to damage my children.

I was floored.
I do not share her views, nor do I think I need a partner to make my life worth living. I have friends, work, kids, and an old house. I like not having to change what I want for someone else.
Lol, don't you love how people project their own insecurities onto others. So because this lady needs to have an SO anyone who doesn't is depressed and potentially a bad parent I mean, what a great example to teach your children, that in order to be happy you need to rely on others ...

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post #26 of 38 (permalink) Old 09-26-2016, 09:51 AM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

during my 20 or so non-dating years, my buddies thought i was strange. one even called me 'eccentric'.

most of my friends and work mates never gave me a hard time, they accepted me for who i was. i guess they were true friends.

i did occasionally run into a few jerks that would say something and suggest i was gay or something.
in male culture, if you don't have a girlfriend or wife, then you're gay.

i never paid them much mind, i knew who i was and i was pretty happy being myself. phuck them.
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post #27 of 38 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 03:38 PM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

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during my 20 or so non-dating years, my buddies thought i was strange. one even called me 'eccentric'.

most of my friends and work mates never gave me a hard time, they accepted me for who i was. i guess they were true friends.

i did occasionally run into a few jerks that would say something and suggest i was gay or something.
in male culture, if you don't have a girlfriend or wife, then you're gay.

i never paid them much mind, i knew who i was and i was pretty happy being myself. phuck them.
Yep.... if you're a guy from the South and are over 35, never married, no

kids... you're gay. Heck if you're a female.... over 25, never M, no kids....

you're a spinster. Old traditions die a slow death. I get your point Dec... I may

very well have your approach to dating when I reach your age. After my post-D

LTR ended... I spent over a year just dating and meeting people. A few had

potential but it just was not a match. I didn't stop looking but I put very

minimal effort in. My dating life took a turn downward when mom got sick.

Around the time I started distancing myself from "momma n her drama,"

there she was.... right place, right time. I have always believed timing has

almost as much importance as physical connection when you meet. There

were three females I met (1990s) and we had incredible chemistry. Just bad

timing.... once for her, once for me, once for both. I don't know where this one

will go.... we've dated since March. I see high end potential... many great qualities

that only my XW had (in first year). I just have to get used to the fact, DC is 26 years

younger than XW. But I would prefer being alone than being in a bad / sluggish / dead

end LTR. I have lived alone for about two years... first time ever. It was rough at first but

it got a lot easier after the first year. If DC and I decide to live together... it will be a

hard decision for me. There's a HUGE difference in her staying over 3-4 nights a week

and her being here 24 / 7, tripping over pink socks, bathroom counter having 147 different

types of body wash, war paint in every drawer, curling iron cords hanging to floor, pink razors,

and those $^&$$#@! pink fluffy slippers. I so want to put them in the fire pit.... LOL

The older you get though.... harder it is to find a healthy companion. The healthy ones don't

stay on the market long at all.... then you get to choose from the insecure ones, bitter ones, or

the not wanting to get serious ones. Eventually you realize.... they're just a combination

of the insecure / bitter.
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post #28 of 38 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 04:04 PM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

@Decimated, if you don't want to date, you don't have to date. People will say, "You need to get out there!" and they're just trying to be helpful, but really, it's because they don't really know what else to say. They thing you're still grieving the loss of the marriage and that's why you're not dating... they don't understand that you might actually be happy that way. Or maybe it's just easier that way.

Learning how to trust another person after you've been cheated on, and after you did everything you could to save the marriage, that's hard. It's really hard. And sometimes it seems like it really isn't worth the effort, because she might just do the same thing, right? The guy I'm seeing, he insisted that he didn't want to date, didn't want a relationship, didn't want a girlfriend, for 5+ years after he and his XW split up. His situation was like yours, except there were no kids involved. His reasons were a lot like yours. And he was dead set on staying single... until he met me. And even then, it took me saying to him, "Listen, I want a relationship with you, so if you want to keep me around and in your life, these are my terms, and you need to decide what I really mean to you." I gave him three months to decide (after we had been casual for three months)--he made the right decision, but he took all three months!

I'm not saying that things are that way for you, but maybe they are. Maybe your subconscious is still working things out, and maybe you have to meet the right woman to make you WANT to date again. But if you don't want to, and if you're happy with your life right now, then don't let anybody try to convince you that you SHOULD be dating. Do YOU the way YOU want to.

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post #29 of 38 (permalink) Old 10-05-2016, 09:02 AM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

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Learning how to trust another person after you've been cheated on, and after you did everything you could to save the marriage, that's hard. It's really hard. And sometimes it seems like it really isn't worth the effort, because she might just do the same thing, right? The guy I'm seeing, he insisted that he didn't want to date, didn't want a relationship, didn't want a girlfriend, for 5+ years after he and his XW split up. His situation was like yours, except there were no kids involved. His reasons were a lot like yours. And he was dead set on staying single... until he met me. And even then, it took me saying to him, "Listen, I want a relationship with you, so if you want to keep me around and in your life, these are my terms, and you need to decide what I really mean to you." I gave him three months to decide (after we had been casual for three months)--he made the right decision, but he took all three months!
FIP, what got him to change his mind and commit? I'm just asking because like your BF I have trust issues and just don't see the advantage of a relationship. I quite enjoy casually dating, but am getting everything I need to be happy without a formal commitment. It's kind of the best of both worlds thing. Did something change in him or was it that he felt he found someone worth changing for?
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post #30 of 38 (permalink) Old 10-05-2016, 05:34 PM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

She's a hot chick with a good job and great in bed, I'm guessing. She cooks dinner, takes out the garbage and changes the oil in the car.

She runs his bath, rubs his feet and shoulders religiously. She has so much money, she had him quit his job and is paying for everything.

Just kidding around, though I think my first sentence may be true.

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