No Interest In Dating? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 38 (permalink) Old 07-27-2016, 11:27 AM Thread Starter
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No Interest In Dating?

I’m in my early 50’s and have been divorced for over 3 ½ years now. I’ve been here for a while and some of you may know my story. In a nut shell…I found out my ex was cheating for 1 ½ years, I tried to save our marriage by doing everything wrong, and I ended up filing and divorcing her anyway. I am currently raising my teenage kids alone.

Here’s the issue. I know many folks that are divorced. The vast majority of them, within a few years, have already remarried or are in serious relationships. My friends and relatives are constantly trying to set me up with divorced women. They all think I should be involved with someone by now. They seem to equate dating or being in a relationship with moving on. I feel like I have moved on, but alone…not with someone else. By contrast, XWW was on 3 different dating sites within 2 weeks of moving out.

Here’s the thing, I don’t seem to have any interest in dating or beginning a new relationship. I suppose it doesn’t help that I haven’t met anyone that I wanted to go on a second date with. I do miss some things about being in a relationship…especially sex and physical contact but apparently not enough to invest the time and effort into growing a relationship to get it. Unfortunately for me, I’ve always been one that only desires sex within the context of an emotional and committed relationship. Thinking about starting a new relationship just seems so exhausting to me. I would much rather spend that time and energy pursuing other interests that have a better personal rate of return with less emotional risk.

So, does this seem normal? Does anyone else here feel this same way or am I morphing into a reclusive hermit?

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post #2 of 38 (permalink) Old 07-27-2016, 11:34 AM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

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Thinking about starting a new relationship just seems so exhausting to me. I would much rather spend that time and energy pursuing other interests that have a better personal rate of return with less emotional risk.
This seems perfectly normal, at least to me. On one side it can be exhilarating learning about someone new, but on the other side it can be exhausting learning about someone new.

For example, I like that fact that my W and I can spend time with each other without saying a word , we are just that comfortable with each other. With a new person you probably feel like you have to force conversation to keep away the awkward silence. Another example, my W and I don't really do gifts anymore for special occasions. With a new person now you gotta start stressing over what to get for her bday, valentine's day, etc...

IDK, I say stick with your gut feeling. If you don't want to invest into another person just make the most of the time with yourself and your kids. I don't understand the desire for others to try to push you into a relationship, it sounds like they are more doing it for themselves than they are doing for you.
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post #3 of 38 (permalink) Old 07-27-2016, 11:36 AM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

doesn't matter if it's 'normal'.

who cares about 'normal'. do what you want and what feels right.

don't give in to the pressure, either family, friends or society.
too many bad life mistakes are made doing things 'because we're suppose to'.

choose your own path. you will be happier for it.

i did. i didn't date for 20 years and everything turned out just fine.
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post #4 of 38 (permalink) Old 07-27-2016, 11:49 AM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

Seems fine to me.

The high of starting a new relationship is so fun though.
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post #5 of 38 (permalink) Old 07-27-2016, 12:14 PM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

It seems to me that given what you went through, having another relationship with woman wouldn't be that appealing. Maybe you'll find someone eventually, may be you won't and there's definitely nothing wrong with that if you're comfortable with it. Both you and I made bad choices the first time around, I don't think that I would be in a hurry to find someone else if I ever get the chance one day.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #6 of 38 (permalink) Old 07-27-2016, 11:49 PM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

If you don't want to date you don't have to. Life is yours to make what you want. You're right some remarry quickly. Most of my divorced friends are now remarrying, I'm fine remaining single. Some of my friends won't even date and have no interest in it. To best of my knowledge my X hasn't dated anyone in about 3 years or so. Just make choices that's right for you and not what others want you to do.
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post #7 of 38 (permalink) Old 08-01-2016, 11:07 PM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

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Originally Posted by Decimated View Post
I’m in my early 50’s and have been divorced for over 3 ½ years now. I’ve been here for a while and some of you may know my story. In a nut shell…I found out my ex was cheating for 1 ½ years, I tried to save our marriage by doing everything wrong, and I ended up filing and divorcing her anyway. I am currently raising my teenage kids alone.

Here’s the issue. I know many folks that are divorced. The vast majority of them, within a few years, have already remarried or are in serious relationships. My friends and relatives are constantly trying to set me up with divorced women. They all think I should be involved with someone by now. They seem to equate dating or being in a relationship with moving on. I feel like I have moved on, but alone…not with someone else. By contrast, XWW was on 3 different dating sites within 2 weeks of moving out.

Here’s the thing, I don’t seem to have any interest in dating or beginning a new relationship. I suppose it doesn’t help that I haven’t met anyone that I wanted to go on a second date with. I do miss some things about being in a relationship…especially sex and physical contact but apparently not enough to invest the time and effort into growing a relationship to get it. Unfortunately for me, I’ve always been one that only desires sex within the context of an emotional and committed relationship. Thinking about starting a new relationship just seems so exhausting to me. I would much rather spend that time and energy pursuing other interests that have a better personal rate of return with less emotional risk.

So, does this seem normal? Does anyone else here feel this same way or am I morphing into a reclusive hermit?
Wow! You basically just described my attitude about dating after my divorce; I've been divorced for 6 years. So, if they take you away to Arkham Asylum because you're not normal; they'll have to come get me too.

The thing is, I've been single long enough that I have gotten to know who I am as a person. I feel like I know myself now more than ever, and I've discovered that I enjoy being single quite well. I feel I have moved on much better on my own. As you wrote, starting a new relationship just seems exhausting to me. I've got this feeling of "been there, done that," and the thoughts of it just doesn't excite me.

I haven't totally written off a new relationship, but I just want it to happen naturally. If I bump into a woman at the grocery sometime or a woman is hired at my work and we click, that's fine, but I'm not hitting the town on weekends looking for women; I just don't have the desire. Like you, I'm happier putting the energy into doing something else. I see where people ask for advice about dating after a divorce, and i think, "Good grief, you've only been single a few weeks, what's the rush?"

I'm sure this is due to personality type. Some people just can't stand to be alone for 10 minutes, or the thoughts of not being in a relationship, so, as soon as one relationship ends, they are right back in the game. Personally, I don't get lonely just because I'm not in a relationship. Heck, some of the times I enjoy most are being at home by myself.

Another thing I have in common is that I too only enjoy sex within a committed and emotional relationship; however, I didn't really realize that about myself until after the divorce. Oddly enough, I wanted sex more often than my x wife; that was actually one of our issues, but since we are divorced and that emotional tie is gone, that is no longer a driving force either. I suppose sexual desire is what drives a lot of people to seek out new relationships so quickly.

For whatever reason, a lot of people think single people are sad and lonely if they are not in a relationship and that one can't be truly happy unless they are, and if you aren't dating after a certain period, I guess they assume you must have mental issues, but that doesn't apply to everyone. The key is knowing yourself. If a person is truly happy being single, why try to force anything else? It doesn't really matter whether other people understand it or not; they won't be the ones having to deal with your relationship.

There is nothing more sad or glorious than generations changing hands- John Mellencamp

Last edited by southbound; 08-01-2016 at 11:12 PM.
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post #8 of 38 (permalink) Old 08-02-2016, 05:14 AM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

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Wow! You basically just described my attitude about dating after my divorce; I've been divorced for 6 years. So, if they take you away to Arkham Asylum because you're not normal; they'll have to come get me too.

The thing is, I've been single long enough that I have gotten to know who I am as a person. I feel like I know myself now more than ever, and I've discovered that I enjoy being single quite well. I feel I have moved on much better on my own. As you wrote, starting a new relationship just seems exhausting to me. I've got this feeling of "been there, done that," and the thoughts of it just doesn't excite me.

I haven't totally written off a new relationship, but I just want it to happen naturally. If I bump into a woman at the grocery sometime or a woman is hired at my work and we click, that's fine, but I'm not hitting the town on weekends looking for women; I just don't have the desire. Like you, I'm happier putting the energy into doing something else. I see where people ask for advice about dating after a divorce, and i think, "Good grief, you've only been single a few weeks, what's the rush?"

I'm sure this is due to personality type. Some people just can't stand to be alone for 10 minutes, or the thoughts of not being in a relationship, so, as soon as one relationship ends, they are right back in the game. Personally, I don't get lonely just because I'm not in a relationship. Heck, some of the times I enjoy most are being at home by myself.

Another thing I have in common is that I too only enjoy sex within a committed and emotional relationship; however, I didn't really realize that about myself until after the divorce. Oddly enough, I wanted sex more often than my x wife; that was actually one of our issues, but since we are divorced and that emotional tie is gone, that is no longer a driving force either. I suppose sexual desire is what drives a lot of people to seek out new relationships so quickly.

For whatever reason, a lot of people think single people are sad and lonely if they are not in a relationship and that one can't be truly happy unless they are, and if you aren't dating after a certain period, I guess they assume you must have mental issues, but that doesn't apply to everyone. The key is knowing yourself. If a person is truly happy being single, why try to force anything else? It doesn't really matter whether other people understand it or not; they won't be the ones having to deal with your relationship.
Well said and I echo your feelings. All my life I have been a giver/care taker type, at 55 years old I'm tired of that, I want to be selfish with my time and have become very protective of the free time I have.

I like to go on an occasional date but the thought of bringing someone into my life on a day to day basis has little appeal to me. I truly love living alone.
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post #9 of 38 (permalink) Old 08-02-2016, 12:14 PM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

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Well said and I echo your feelings. All my life I have been a giver/care taker type, at 55 years old I'm tired of that, I want to be selfish with my time and have become very protective of the free time I have.

I like to go on an occasional date but the thought of bringing someone into my life on a day to day basis has little appeal to me. I truly love living alone.
True for me as well. When I think about what I would get out of a new relationship, I realize that my life would change to a degree; My life wouldn't be 100% like it is now; therefore, I have to ask myself if I wish anything were currently with different in my life, and what would the gains of a relationship be?

I currently like where I live, both house and town, I like my lifestyle, I don't feel lonely, I do what I want when I want, I manage my money as I desire, etc. There is really nothing I'm eager to change.

There is no emptiness that I'm looking to fill, so why pursue a relationship just because it seems like the "normal" thing to do?

There is nothing more sad or glorious than generations changing hands- John Mellencamp
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post #10 of 38 (permalink) Old 08-04-2016, 01:24 PM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

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True for me as well. When I think about what I would get out of a new relationship, I realize that my life would change to a degree; My life wouldn't be 100% like it is now; therefore, I have to ask myself if I wish anything were currently with different in my life, and what would the gains of a relationship be?

I currently like where I live, both house and town, I like my lifestyle, I don't feel lonely, I do what I want when I want, I manage my money as I desire, etc. There is really nothing I'm eager to change.

There is no emptiness that I'm looking to fill, so why pursue a relationship just because it seems like the "normal" thing to do?
It's funny how some of my married friends envy me and say "you can do what you want when you want". I look at it a bit differently, to me it's not about doing what I want when I want, it's about NOT HAVING to do anything I don't want to do.

-I don't have to go to a concert on a Tuesday night.
-I don't have to worry about coming home from work on Friday and finding out my entire weekend is booked up doing things and going places when I would rather just chill at home and work on some projects.
-No one is going to make me spend another week of vacation at a Florida beach (thank God)
-I never have to ask 500 questions to find out where that $1000 out of the checking account disappeared to.
-I don't have to tip toe around the house in silence every morning.

Maybe I have lost the ability to compromise, I don't care. I know how I am, if I become involved in a relationship I will always give and sacrifice more of myself than I expect out of the other. In order for me to be selfish I need to be single.

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post #11 of 38 (permalink) Old 08-04-2016, 02:15 PM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

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Originally Posted by Cooper View Post
It's funny how some of my married friends envy me and say "you can do what you want when you want". I look at it a bit differently, to me it's not about doing what I want when I want, it's about NOT HAVING to do anything I don't want to do.

-I don't have to go to a concert on a Tuesday night.
-I don't have to worry about coming home from work on Friday and finding out my entire weekend is booked up doing things and going places when I would rather just chill at home and work on some projects.
-No one is going to make me spend another week of vacation at a Florida beach (thank God)
-I never have to ask 500 questions to find out where that $1000 out of the checking account disappeared to.
-I don't have to tip toe around the house in silence every morning.

Maybe I have lost the ability to compromise, I don't care. I know how I am, if I become involved in a relationship I will always give and sacrifice more of myself than I expect out of the other. In order for me to be selfish I need to be single.
I wish I could "like" this 100 times.

I agree with everything you said (except the Florida beach, I live in Florida).

I am out of a serious LTR for about 5 years, and while I dated a bunch, I am no longer looking for serious/LTR anymore. I even have a thread on this subject. I guess being single for a long time and my age (51) I am happy being single and don't want a serious relationship.
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post #12 of 38 (permalink) Old 08-04-2016, 02:34 PM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

I don't think the problem is you.

You have been dating but you haven't met anyone you want to see a second time.

That's just how it is out there. It takes time to meet someone who you click with.

When you do, it will be all good.
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post #13 of 38 (permalink) Old 08-05-2016, 09:58 AM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

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Originally Posted by Cooper View Post
-I don't have to go to a concert on a Tuesday night.
-I don't have to worry about coming home from work on Friday and finding out my entire weekend is booked up doing things and going places when I would rather just chill at home and work on some projects.
-No one is going to make me spend another week of vacation at a Florida beach (thank God)
-I never have to ask 500 questions to find out where that $1000 out of the checking account disappeared to.
-I don't have to tip toe around the house in silence every morning.

I'm a woman. I have never in my entire life "made" a partner do any of this stuff. I don't organize his time without his consent. I don't plan vacations without his consent. I don't spend more than the agreed upon amount of "fun" money each of us is budgeted for without agreement. And I don't expect anyone to tiptoe around me, ever. I also wouldn't remain in a relationship with a man who made those types of demands of me. I do expect that finding truly win/win (as opposed to win/lose or win/grudging acceptance) solutions to any issues will be something we work for as a couple.

Honestly, I think if you were jumping through these sorts of hoops, the problem might have been with either the types of women you were with or your personal boundaries - maybe both - rather than with relationships as a whole. My natural inclination is also to be a giver, and it can be hard to restrain that instinct, but I've learned that it is possible to expect reciprocity without going too far into either over-giving or being a taker. A relationship is not necessary for happiness. But it shouldn't be a source of long-term suffering, aggravation and sacrifice, either - for either party. A good relationship enhances your life, it doesn't take it over so that it's unrecognizable to you. It can be a balancing act, and not everyone thinks it's worthwhile to find that balance. But if you are so inclined, it really is entirely possible to find a relationship that includes real reciprocity and sharing.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi

Last edited by Rowan; 08-05-2016 at 10:03 AM.
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post #14 of 38 (permalink) Old 09-05-2016, 09:40 AM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

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Originally Posted by Cooper View Post
It's funny how some of my married friends envy me and say "you can do what you want when you want". I look at it a bit differently, to me it's not about doing what I want when I want, it's about NOT HAVING to do anything I don't want to do.

-I don't have to go to a concert on a Tuesday night.
-I don't have to worry about coming home from work on Friday and finding out my entire weekend is booked up doing things and going places when I would rather just chill at home and work on some projects.
-No one is going to make me spend another week of vacation at a Florida beach (thank God)
-I never have to ask 500 questions to find out where that $1000 out of the checking account disappeared to.
-I don't have to tip toe around the house in silence every morning.

Maybe I have lost the ability to compromise, I don't care. I know how I am, if I become involved in a relationship I will always give and sacrifice more of myself than I expect out of the other. In order for me to be selfish I need to be single.
True. I suppose I view not having to do anything I don't want to do as doing "what i want when I want." I'm also like you, I may have lost the ability to compromise. I'm not sure I am excited about doing anything that is planned for me.

There is nothing more sad or glorious than generations changing hands- John Mellencamp
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post #15 of 38 (permalink) Old 09-05-2016, 10:27 AM
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Re: No Interest In Dating?

Decimated, I went for over 2 years after my first divorce before even attempting dating again. I kept telling myself over and over I'd never date again, let alone marry. My opinion changed over time and with some deep healing. Yours may or may not, but you should never use someone else's compass to plot the direction of your life.

I had to keep telling myself that the people who were pressuring me to date before I was ready (mainly my MOM .... it's what mom's do!) were doing this because they cared for me and wanted to see me happy. Sure, some people don't truly care about your happiness and just want to tell you what to do. Hopefully wisdom and experience can help you to weed out those types vs. those who are truly invested in your happiness.

While it was annoying having that external pressure, I did my best to ignore it and not to get angry with the people that just wished me well. Better to have well wishes from them than to have no one give a damn about my future and happiness. It reminded me that there are people who do root for me.

When I was ready to date, I went through some dating hiccups for about a year and then I found my current husband. I couldn't have predicted it would happen the way it did, but I was absolutely prepared to live the rest of my life happily and alone... OK, maybe with 40 cats.

The difference in me from the time before my divorce to the present, is that even though I am married and happy I feel confident that I could still have a great life if I ended up alone again. I lost all fears about being alone. My husband and I WANT each other, but we don't NEED each other. There is a big difference. I may not be explaining it well, but that's the only way I know how to put it into words. Our relationship is the sort that I have been hoping for my whole life, it was one I thought I found during my first marriage but I was too young to know the difference.

You must do what suits you! And if people keep bugging you about it, just use my generic phrase to combat useless advice: "The doctor says I'm perfectly fine."

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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