jpc

So I'm trying to get back out there a bit and date. Nothing serious, just trying to consciously take steps that move me forward instead of wallowing in despair. I've been on a few first dates and I've had a great time. Everything is always light and easy on the first date. But, the prospect of second, third, and fourth dates freaks me out because at some point I'm going to have to fess up to the fact that I'm divorced. The thing that troubles me most is what exactly to say about my marriage. The reality is that my marriage was abusive, but I'm afraid if I say that, my date will think I'm a shady/reckless/messed-up/whatever person and not give me a chance. But, if I just say something like "Oh it just didn't work out", I'll sound like I just don't take marriage vows and commitments seriously. Any thoughts on how much detail is appropriate?

None of this matters at the moment since I'm not dating seriously, but someday, hopefully, there will be someone new, and I really don't want my past to scare them off. What's your philosophy on this?
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CandieGirl

Don't be ashamed about being divorced! Of course you're not going to want to go on and on about the ex on a first, second, or even third date, but all in good time, just tell your new prospects the truth. There's nothing wrong with leaving it "I'm divorced" on a first date. If more dates follow, just follow the natural progression of conversation, and above all, be honest about what happened, without coming across as bitter or angry. If you're still freaking about 2nd and 3rd dates, maybe it's just a little too soon?

WomanScorned

Well, that subject just came up on my last date with a guy. It was, I believe, the 4th date (not that I'm counting, or anything ) and he asked about the ex. I let him bring it up. I guess it depends how you meet someone. On my dating profile from online I put in it I was divorced, so this guy already knew it. I just told him my ex cheated on me and left me. Then the conversation moved on. I imagine it will come up again, if we keep dating. I kind of hope we DO keep dating because I really like this guy.

unreal

did you explain to him in detail? did he want to know briefly or just the main thing why it didnt work out?

AppleDucklings

I'm going through the exact same thing right now! I've been seeing a new guy since my divorce, and he's a great guy. He does know that I am divorced and he knew that it ended because my exH had been unfaithful; but I had never told him about how bad it actually was, with the multiple affairs, the mental abuse and the constant lies. It's really hard to explain to someone the details of what happened because I stayed in my marriage for 14 years, and when I tell someone who doesn't know my story, what happened, I sound like the idiot who stayed rather than my exH being the asshat he was for putting me through such hell. Anyways, last night I was with my guy and he kind of nudged me to open up a bit about things, so I told him about my unfaithful, slimedog of an exhusband. I was sooooo reluctant to open up because I was very much afraid my guy would see me as "damaged" and he would not want to be with someone as emotionally messed up as I am. Then I talked to a friend about all of this, and they told me that if he likes me as much as he says he does, and he tells me that he wants us to have a meaningful relationship together, then he will still like me regardless of what happened in my marriage. In the meantime, be open with your insecurities, for if they really do like you, they'll help you through them. Then to always remember that your new date is not your ex spouse. This new person did not do you wrong, so use care to not take your ex's faults out on them.

__________________
"said woman, take it slow, it'll work itself out fine. All we need is just a little patience."-Gun N Roses

Mike188

I'm been thinking about this subject lately. One thing I wonder is what the cheating spouse tells future dates (after the relationship with their initial affair partner falls apart of course).
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ing

They are the ones on the dating site with 'No Baggage"
This means.I have plenty for both of us!

jpc

AppleDucklings, thank you for posting this! This is precisely what I was trying to get at. I also put that I'm divorced on my profile, so the guys should know, but talking about the details if/when they actually come up sounds daunting. I was with an abusive husband, thankfully I left after only a year, but still, some of the stories from that relationship are horrible and I'm afraid someone new will see me as damaged or a fool (which is actually completely fair, haha) for what I endured. The question I have repeatedly gotten about my divorce is: "Oh, you're divorced. But at least was it amicable?" Umm, amicable? No. I had to get a restraining order after he showed up at my workplace with slice marks all over his wrist. How do you tell someone that??! Sometimes I think maybe I should just never bring up the worst details period, but then sometimes I wonder if that's being dishonest.
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andy32m

I have been thinking about that a lot. My ex cheated on me and is with the guy she cheated with, so I think he knows she is a cheater. He was the one encouraging her to divorce me- real home wrecker.

What I have been thinking about is what she has told her friends and family. I didn't get to speak with any of them towards the end of our marriage and I think they all respected me. I doubt she is going around telling them that she cheated. Probably bad mouthing me and making me look like it was all my fault. I spend a lot of time thinking about that.

WomanScorned

No, I didn't go into detail. I have a lot of baggage, too due to depression. I guess I'm in the same boat as you in that respect. But it's good advice that if the guy really cares about you, he'll try to understand and help you. Those kinds of conversations come up later in a relationship, I think. And a lot of people have their own baggage, so he may well have his own issues and insecurities. Unless you're 20, I think we all have baggage to some degree. Maybe that's why a 20 year old was so attractive to my ex....no baggage to add to his.

AppleDucklings

A few days later, he went on to tell me that if had known about my past mental abuse, he never would have asked me out.I asked him why he just didn't run then, and he said he didn't know. That just makes me glad I never went in depth about all the trauma's I endured from my exhusband....I'm up in the air about this guy now...I don't know, now I feel like he's already judged me as "damaged".....still, I think it's a good idea to get any personal issues out on the table in the beginning. You don't have to lay it all out on them at once, but at least let your potential dates know you had an abusive past. Either they'll be understanding or they know won't; and if they aren't, then they're simply not worth your time.

__________________
"said woman, take it slow, it'll work itself out fine. All we need is just a little patience."-Gun N Roses

Jellybeans

Apple... idk how I will handle the emotional abuse part. Granted I haven't started dating but I am ashamed I ndured any of it from my ex since I have a really strong personality. JPC...amyone who asks "Was it at least amicable?" Has clearly never been divorced. No divorce is ever amicable or happy, filled w bliss. Divorce is pain.
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Shane Jimison

This is a Wright way to introduce yourself in front of new person of your life. This may be a Wright decision for your future life.

EleGirl

How old is this guy? Has he been divorced or in a long term relationship before?

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EleGirl

It might be best to downplay the abusive part of the previous marriage/relationship. You were not compatible. Your ex developed anger issues and a mean streak that you could not deal with when he refused to get help with them. If he/she cheated then tell that as well.

That sort of explanation makes you look stronger. You are stronger now. That's why you were able to leave. Your new bf/gf is not your therapist. Do not dump all your past emotional garbage on them. Sure over time you can be more open about it. But don’t dump your previous emotional stuff on them. That's my take on it anyway.

I've been married 3 times. My first was when I was 22. He was physically and emotionally abusive. He also had to have brain surgery on our first anniversary because he had a blood vessel explode in his brain. He was never the same after that. This is when he became abusive. I left him after 4 years of marriage because I was afraid for my life. He ended up killing himself a few years later.

I married hubby#2 when I was 35. I told hubby#2 everything about hubby#1. Hubby#2 seemed to think that he was entitled to treat me the way hubby#1 had. One time when I set a boundary against hubby#2 being abusive, he actually said “Why did you let him (hubby#1) treat you that way but you won’t let me?” He said it in the tone of a little boy whose mommy gave an extra cookie to another kid but would not give it to him. After 14 years of marriage I left hubby#2 because of his emotional abuse and slowly increasing physical abuse.

I am now married to hubby#3 when I was 50 years old. I’ve told him very little about both hubby#1 and hubby#2; just that hubby#1 was ill and hence hard to live with; hubby#2 is a mean person. Hubby#3 has met hubby#2. He can see for himself the arrogance and mean streak.

Hubby#3 has told me just enough about his ex so that I have a good picture of what went on there. She cheated on him and left for the OM.

Then after she was out of the house he searched her computer and found that there were 7 OM during their marriage. That was the end of any attempt on his part to reconcile.

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Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters