Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #16 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 06:27 PM
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Re: Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
Unless the spouse is permanently disabled, then being forced to pay an able bodied person to sit on their butt is a disgrace.

He should pay until she is educated and able to enter the workforce (at most 4 years for a bachelors degree).

He should even have to pay half for the schooling but after that? Then its just legal robbery.

I think this depends on the persons age. If she is older marriage and expectations on her were different then today. i don't think it is fair to someone who is in there 60's to tell them they have to enter the working world when they have no training and career. This is quite hard to do at 60.

Life was very different when they got married so expectations should be different. Today I agree with you. But this also depends on if the person was SAH if they were then they need time to get back on their feet. I don't think forever though.


Last edited by sokillme; 08-08-2016 at 06:31 PM.
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post #17 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 09:05 PM
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Re: Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
Unless the spouse is permanently disabled, then being forced to pay an able bodied person to sit on their butt is a disgrace.



He should pay until she is educated and able to enter the workforce (at most 4 years for a bachelors degree).



He should even have to pay half for the schooling but after that? Then its just legal robbery.


If she's getting paid she should have to do his laundry and cooking or something.
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post #18 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 10:17 PM
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Re: Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away

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If she's getting paid she should have to do his laundry and cooking or something.
If the spouse was a stay at home mom with a high school education, he has at least SOME responsibility to get her on her feet after they break up.

It's not fair that he asked her to throw her career away to raise their kids while he climbed the corporate ladder. He bears some responsibility for that at least.

But lifetime alimony? That's bullsh!t. He helps her get an education or a fulltime job. Then it's adios.... At least that's what seems fair to me.

I agree with an age limit too someone mentioned. If you divorce after retirement age, you have to give her something to live besides social security crumbs.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #19 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 10:43 PM
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Re: Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away

She gets half or more already and she is an adult without parenting responsibilities.

Why does she need or deserve alimony at all?

Get a job!
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post #20 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-09-2016, 08:41 AM
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Re: Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away

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She gets half or more already and she is an adult without parenting responsibilities.

Why does she need or deserve alimony at all?
Well, why should she have to live off half the assets of the she got in the divorce he doesn't?

That doesn't seem fair. He has a steady income stream which he spend years building up, she needs to acquire one too.

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Get a job!
That's the idea!

He needs to get her on her feet. Nothing more. Some SAHMs have high school degrees and haven't worked in 20+ years. Do you expect them to live off minimum wage?

Give someone a fish they will eat for a day. Teach them how to fish and they will eat for a lifetime.

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post #21 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-09-2016, 10:40 AM
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Re: Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away

Give someone a fish they will eat for a day. Teach them how to fish and they will eat for a lifetime.[/QUOTE]

Give someone a poison fish, they will eat for a lifetime
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post #22 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-09-2016, 11:00 AM
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Re: Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away

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I am not an attorney, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt or two - I am sure some legal eagle somewhere would disagree. In fact I think most of them would.
But just let it go. While you may feel you deserve the alimony. All it does is keep you dependent on him for your livelihood (at least some of it).
Why prolong the struggle? Why waste money and time on attorneys and court battles? Get on with your life. In the end he will be the one who has to live with his actions.
I agree with what @Ynot is saying here, and I've got a little perspective on this because my parents divorced when I was in my 20s. My Dad had to pay lifetime alimony to my Mom, and this was the bitter string that kept them somehow tethered until pretty much the day my Dad died. I don't know if the OP is in Massachusetts, but that's where my parents lived and my Dad was beyond bitter at the courts and my mother, and after the divorce it colored the relationship between him and my siblings for a long, long time. Initially he could pay (he was in a well-paid medical profession) the alimony with no problems, but he kept getting remarried and divorced and that eventually took a toll on his finances so things kind of snowballed. Eventually, he just stopped paying the alimony because by then he had health issues and an overseas part-time wife to whom he sent all the money he could. I know it bothered my Mom, but she correctly figured that taking him back to court probably wouldn't make any difference because he had so little money by then.

OP, if you can figure a way to plan to make yourself self-sufficient, I think you'll be better off in the long run rather than being tied to your Ex for money. Just my 2 cents, and I make no judgments on the lifetime alimony agreement.
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post #23 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-09-2016, 01:42 PM
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Re: Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away

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She gets half or more already and she is an adult without parenting responsibilities.

Why does she need or deserve alimony at all?

Get a job!
Alimony is intended (for the most part) to be rehabilitative, for the spouse who has forgone a career to raise children or has been a stay at home "homemaker". In a typical scenario, the husband has a job, will continue to have a job and doesn't have to go around looking for employment and starting at square one like the wife will.
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post #24 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-09-2016, 07:34 PM
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Re: Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away

Well then perhaps my issue is with women who LEAVE their partner and there should be legal difference in that respect.

I mean, how is it that a woman who LEAVES a man can be ENTITLED to anything in his future - including income.

That's where I think men get the raw deal.

Where kids below 18 are involved, well that's a different story, but that wasn't the topic of this thread.
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post #25 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-09-2016, 08:07 PM
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Re: Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away

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Kids are 26 and 24 so the alimony I peacefully and legally got was just for me... he says he is almost broken and doesnt feel it is ok to work to feed me

Has any of you been through something like this?

I don´t like getting the money with that attitude, so plan to finish my school year in November and look for a job to get prepared and study on Saturdays, don´t want to leave my career, but in the meantime, I need to act. Is sad, never saw it coming after an amicable divorce...

The marriage is over - why should you expect _anything_, even money from him

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post #26 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-09-2016, 09:32 PM
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Re: Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away

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The marriage is over - why should you expect _anything_, even money from him
That;s how it used to be and it forced both men and women to work harder on their marriages - that's for sure.

I mean really, what incentive does a woman have to stay with a man these days. Absolutely none. She is in fact better off financially if she leaves.
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post #27 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-09-2016, 10:59 PM
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Re: Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away

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Originally Posted by poida View Post
Well then perhaps my issue is with women who LEAVE their partner and there should be legal difference in that respect.

I mean, how is it that a woman who LEAVES a man can be ENTITLED to anything in his future - including income.

That's where I think men get the raw deal.

Where kids below 18 are involved, well that's a different story, but that wasn't the topic of this thread.
This may not apply to the OPs situation, but I agree. If a woman decides to leave a husband who hasn't cheated, abused, or anything of that nature because she thinks the grass is greener somewhere else, then why should she get anything? Let her go enjoy the green grass.

One of my x wife's complaints near the end was that I focused too much on money management. Near the end, she wanted to adopt the attitude that the best things in life are free and the old "you can't take it with you" idea when it was in her favor, but I notice she didn't turn any money down that she got from the divorce, and she didn't turn down child support; she seemed to like money pretty well when it was being handed to her.

There is nothing more sad or glorious than generations changing hands- John Mellencamp
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post #28 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-12-2016, 08:37 AM
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Re: Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away

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That;s how it used to be and it forced both men and women to work harder on their marriages - that's for sure.

I mean really, what incentive does a woman have to stay with a man these days. Absolutely none. She is in fact better off financially if she leaves.
That's actually not true. Women tend to be financially worse off than men after divorce, especially if they have kids. There are lots of statistics backing this up and my personal experience supports it as well.
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post #29 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-12-2016, 09:22 AM
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Re: Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away

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That;s how it used to be and it forced both men and women to work harder on their marriages - that's for sure.

I mean really, what incentive does a woman have to stay with a man these days. Absolutely none. She is in fact better off financially if she leaves.
Today, alimony is paid in only about 15% of divorces. And it's usually short term, rehabilitative alimony. The average about of alimony is about $300 a month.

So it seems that in most divorces, alimony does not even enter in the equation. And no most women are not better off financially after divorce. Most men are.
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post #30 of 31 (permalink) Old 08-12-2016, 09:31 AM
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Re: Over divorce... now facing the fact he wants to take alimony away

I think lifetime alimony has always been a bad concept but sometimes SOMETIMES it is appropriate. The example? A cardiothoracic surgeon marries a medical assistant and they have a marriage for 30 years and then he decides he wants a young hottie.

Why can't she just support herself, men cry? Um, she gave up everything to devote herself to the partnership, that's why. He gets to stay in the Mansion on Snobgrass Hills and she gets an apartment on the other side of the tracks? No.

And I am a man saying this.

That said, I am more of fan of "restitution alimony" because of what the other person said - you are "tethered" to this person the rest of your life. When money exchanges hands on a weekly/monthly basis, it's just room for so many problems.

I would explore WITH YOUR ATTORNEY the idea of converting the lifetime alimony into restitution.

ADVANTAGE: YOU.

I'll tell you why you are at an advantage and the guy's replies here back me up. . .men just want out. They resent that monthly check so much. They'll pony up, maybe to your advantage to let him go. So think of what his lifetime payout to you may be, make an offer where you could invest it and come out nearly even or maybe even a little ahead. (start negotiations there- ahead).

This is just a business transaction, nothing more. But no, any attorney worth his/her salt is not going to just let you walk away because he wants to call a wahhhhhmbulance. Bad decision.

Be a Master Negotiator. Like Trump. (who men tend to adore) And be ready to walk. Always be ready to walk.

And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.

Last edited by Scannerguard; 08-12-2016 at 09:37 AM.
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