Trust issues from EX - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-28-2016, 10:21 PM Thread Starter
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Trust issues from EX

Hey everyone. How should I effictively coparent with an EX who apparently does not trust me.
A quick history:
I divorced her after 10 yrs of marriage. She cheated and ultimately left us (myself and the kids). She had moved to Minneapolis (we live in Houston). I am the custodial parent and they are with me during the school year. They visit her on holidays and most of the summer.

It was an amicable divorce and for the exception of a bone-headed move on her part early on in the divorce, we have been fairly civil with each other.

Unfortunately, we went to court earlier this year due to a disagreement in child support. She wanted to pay less than the minimum and I wouldnt agree to that. The whole thing was a debacle in court. Neither one of us got what we wanted. Now she no longer contacts me. Learned from her father she doesn't trust me.

I am concerned this will affect our co-parenting which was weak at best since she lives so far away. Ever since the final court judgement in March, i have not heard from their mom at all. I have decided to contact her and not wait on her.

How should i handle this?

I feel that no matter how genuine and peaceful I come across, she's not going to trust me. And no, i haven't done anything i can think of for her to feel that way.

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post #2 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-28-2016, 11:16 PM
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Re: Trust issues from EX

She doesn't trust you?
She is blame shifting. She is the one who cannot be trusted.
Why are you concerned about whether or not she trusts you?
What happened in court? Was child support reduced? Why are you both upset about what happened? That might help us understand what's going on since it seems to be linked.


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post #3 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-28-2016, 11:28 PM
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Re: Trust issues from EX

I don't exactly understand what she doesn't trust about you and really, who cares if she doesn't trust you.

Sorry, but I've alway thought your ex was weird. What mother moves hundreds of miles away from their kids?
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post #4 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-28-2016, 11:38 PM
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Re: Trust issues from EX

Hi HD, long time no talk to. Very decent of you to initiate contact, it really is too bad she is willing to put her trust issues ahead of her relationship with her children. I presume she is missing out on her negotiated visitation right now? If she lacks the initiative to have her visitation with her kids, I can only advise you to NOT push it on her, if you contact her to ask her what her intentions are, do it to cover your bases and only ask once, if she is concerned the ball is in your court then put it back in hers and see what she wants, but I'd be reluctant to send my own kids to someone that is not demonstrating any parental responsibility. And it's not that I wouldn't "trust" her, it's that I'd trust in the actions she is demonstrating. Of course I'd probably consult with your lawyer before agreeing to send your kids across the country.

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post #5 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-29-2016, 12:46 AM Thread Starter
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It has nothing to do with her visitation. She sees them when it's her time with them so that hasnt been an issue fortunately. As for the child support, she wanted it to be $150 less than the minimum standard. She based it on air travel and that she is in debt. The judge awarded her $75 less instead of $150. Still is BS IMHO because she moved away on her terms. So neither of us got what we wanted. And it was a waste of financial resources used on lawyers.

As for the trust issue, i have no idea why she cant trust me. Ive been more than fair during and after the divorce. Maybe i should just ask her?!? It could be that because i don't fully trust her(there are several valid reasons why), she blameshifts it to me. I only care because i feel it may be getting in the way when it comes to the kids.

She tells me nothing on what goes on since they have been with her in the summer. I only find out from them during our video chats.

For example, i found out from my son that he is not brushing his teeth (he's prone to cavaties). This is something i want to check with his mom about....and that his mom was aware he watched the movie Saw and Saw 2. He just turned 10 yrs old by the way.

I did send his mom an email about the movie and if she was aware that he saw it and how i would hope she doesn't condone seeing the movie. She just sent a brief email indicating she spoke with him. So its this sort of parenting and a disregard to what i think or feel.

Im certain she feels i am trying to control her with my email about the horror movie as one example. And if you guys think that's true, it's only coming from a place of good intentions and what i want best for my kids.

How do i come across that i am not trying to control her life and she can trust that its well intended.
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post #6 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-29-2016, 01:14 AM
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Re: Trust issues from EX

For every time that she says that she can't trust you, ask when have you been unreliable. And repeat that question to everyone who tells you that she told them that you're untrustworthy.
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post #7 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-29-2016, 01:22 AM Thread Starter
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Maybe a little more detail in the child support.
So she tells.me the State of Texas is suing her for more child support (shes been paying hundreds less than the minimum over the last 2 years.)
She wasnt expecting me to have a lawyer represent me in our day in court. She didnt like that. But the biggest issue i feel was that she had to fly down twice for the court and blames me.

Here's why:
she and her lawyer presented a dollar amount they feel she owes for child support at our first court hearing. My lawyer looks over her paystub and finds an error on their part. They were off by nearly $600 less than what her paystub indicated. Her lawyer agreed. So i was awarded the high amount as well as the $75 reduction. My ex leaves in tears.

Several days later, i learn she is requesting to go back to court indicating the court made an error. Her dad approaches me showing me the new CS amount he and his daughter calculated. He asks me if i would agree so his daughter wouldn't have to fly back down for another day in court. My lawyer tells me to not agree to anything and we go back to court.
The court does agree that the CS needs to be corrected. Her bonus on the paystub was included but should have been spread out over the course of a year. She blames me instead of herself and her dumbass lawyer.

What's crazy is that her dad has been paying for all the flights and nearly all the child support EVERY month for the last several years(he ended up paying for her lawyer; yes ger dad is an enabler vit that's for another story).

I dont care that her dad pays, but i do take issue that she blames me for all her financial woes. This, despite her having the kids less than 25% of the time and making a little more in salary than i do. Yes, she's weird and crazy.
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post #8 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-29-2016, 02:02 AM
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The others are right. Why do you care what she thinks? Can you answer that question?
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post #9 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-29-2016, 02:45 AM
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Re: Trust issues from EX

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Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
The others are right. Why do you care what she thinks? Can you answer that question?
Why do you ask that?

Of course, we care what others think who deal with our loved ones?
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post #10 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-29-2016, 07:45 AM
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Re: Trust issues from EX

I remember your original thread about the child support issue and her enabling dad. He was watching your children after school, as I recall, and you were still friends with him. Did that change?

The problem is this is who she is. And she likely isn't going to listen to you about your son brushing his teeth or what movies he sees on her parenting time. You can definitely bring it to her attention but just don't expect any real action.

She has decided to parent differently than you -- or maybe she always did -- and it's unlikely you can really influence what she does when she has them unless it reaches the child endangerment stage. Didn't you say your girlfriend has a different parenting style than you do? That's one of the problems with co-parenting that many people who are divorced struggle with.

As for her trusting you or not, that's her choice and, yes, she can choose to use that as an excuse to make your life more difficult.

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post #11 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-29-2016, 09:16 AM
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Re: Trust issues from EX

It doesn't matter if she trusts you. All that matters is she is taking reasonable care of your kids. You can't control what she does when she's with them, and as long as it isn't dangerous the courts won't pull her custody. Just accept her for who she is and don't waste time or energy thinking about it...remember, she's not worth it. If she wants to go to court to change child support then that is her right and if she is mad at you for whatever reason (right or wrong) she can feel that way, but it shouldn't have an affect on your life.
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post #12 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-29-2016, 09:20 AM Thread Starter
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Hey opem-minded,
I cant believe you remember my earlier rants! That goes for some of the other posters here too. Makes me feel appreciated and thankful that there are "strangers" who listen and care.

My gut was telling me exactly how you replied about my EX. It just stinks accepting it. I will just have to plan to express my concerns and just be straight forward and not expect any response or reassurance in return.

Also, since my kids have been away, i have been doing some summer cleaning and discovered some heart ache regarding my kids feelings towards their mom. My son wrote a poem at school dated earlier this spring about the color blue which stated things like, the blue is like water, like cold, blue is like my mom and blue makes me feel sad.
Found an old journal of my daughter dating back 2 years ago stating that she misses her mom, WHY did she move away and that she is never coming back. My guess is that the topic is rarely brought up when they see her. Don't know how to tell their mom except for just telling her straight up. I have pics to prove it that i can send her too.

Co-parenting can be challenging after the divorce. She lets them get away with a bit more than I and i believe some of it has to do with her guilt since she lives so far from them.
As for her dad, it was awkward as hell at first. We were both dissapointed in each other. I do feel both of us were trying to help our kids with the key difference in that mine are young and innocent while his daughter is (insert adjective). We are doing better, but i can tell its not the same as before.

My GF and I do differ some in parenting. She yells at her kids when they are not doing what they are supposed to where I do not yell, but speak calmly and firmly, most of the time!
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post #13 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-29-2016, 10:11 AM
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Re: Trust issues from EX

Quote:
Originally Posted by NextTimeAround View Post
Why do you ask that?



Of course, we care what others think who deal with our loved ones?


Thanks for responding but I asked the question to OP.


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post #14 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-29-2016, 11:23 AM
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Re: Trust issues from EX

HD, I have followed you journey from the beginning, and i remember the cold and callous way your exWW treated you during and after her affair.

Why doesn't she trust you? Because she is a spoiled, entitled, batsh!t crazy woman. Batsh!t. She sleeps hanging from the closet rod.

I usually ignore 225985 but I have to grudgingly agree...why the fvck do you care what she thinks of you? The Court has determined what the CS will be and that is that. The judge had his reasons for handing down the judgement he did. It is done. She will pay what she is ordered to pay.
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post #15 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-29-2016, 11:27 AM
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Re: Trust issues from EX

You can't make her trust you. She wants what she wants and she doesn't trust you that you'll give her what she wants. That is where her trust issues lie. I have a feeling that even if you gave her the kids and paid her $10,000 in child support per month that she'd still say it was all your fault and she didn't trust you.


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