New Relationships and Ex In-laws - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

User Tag List

 32Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-03-2016, 08:56 AM
Member
 
Relationship Teacher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 686
Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

Quote:
Originally Posted by BulletBoy View Post
We talked last night. She said in the beginning that she was worried me and the X might reconcile, but is not now. We also talked about her past how her X husband was physically abusive and how his family played both sides offering to support her, then turned on her during the court hearings. I did my best to explain why it was important to me to keep a relationship with that side of the family. She stayed pretty calm, but I don't think it has sunk in yet. If it is an issue still, I will just end it with her.
Bingo. So it is very clear that her original stated position has nothing to do with ......... anything. The problem is her past trauma. If we battle with her on whether or not you can see ex-in laws, then you both will lose. If you try to force your case on her, it will do nada to change her past traumas affecting the present.

If you see her as childish, rude, controlling, mean or bad, then it will only hold you back. She is a victim. Empathize with her! Wouldn't physical abuse and traumatic manipulation have a lasting effect on you?

"But that doesn't excuse.........."

You got into a relationship with someone that was formerly abused...... this is the norm. If she becomes the bad guy, then her mind will permanently fix her ex's face onto yours.

This is my "masks" theory, in a nut shell. A similar theory is David Richo's "transferences". It is a psychological reality and it is not like she wishes this trauma on herself. She still has 100% responsibility for what she does in the present moment, but you can greatly help the situation.


This will continue to be a problem for her. It is going to take more than you reasoning with her...... I guarantee it; Psychology says so. There will be other instances that compromise her present self, due to past traumas. It will take you more willpower to be romantically involved with the formerly abused. That is the question you have to ask yourself. Do you have that willpower? Will you learn the skills to be able to handle her when the former abuse strikes her, psychologically?



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
-
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Relationship Teacher is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-03-2016, 09:21 AM
Member
 
*Deidre*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,178
Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

I don't believe her reasons, that's just me. Think she just doesn't like you having anything to do with your ex's family and she's trying to find a convincing reason for you.
*Deidre* is offline  
post #18 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-03-2016, 09:26 AM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,341
Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

Quote:
Originally Posted by BulletBoy View Post
We talked last night. She said in the beginning that she was worried me and the X might reconcile, but is not now. We also talked about her past how her X husband was physically abusive and how his family played both sides offering to support her, then turned on her during the court hearings. I did my best to explain why it was important to me to keep a relationship with that side of the family. She stayed pretty calm, but I don't think it has sunk in yet. If it is an issue still, I will just end it with her.
She has to realize that you have a daughter which is still tied to your ex's family and, like it or not, they are tied to you. Perhaps she can't deal with or has little experience with being involved in a blended family situation. Give her some time, but if she still can't deal with it, it's probably best to find some one else. If you ignore things like this in a relationship they can really be a problem later on.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
 
post #19 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-03-2016, 09:33 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Emerging Buddhist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: World-wide
Posts: 1,454
Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

Very nicely laid out @Relationship Teacher... and once her fear and insecurity subsides and is replaced with trust, that combined with love with find a most loyal and steadfast partner. The biggest question is, do you love her enough to continue to see her strengths?

We are all flawed... perhaps she is present in your life to help you though yours? Relationship doors open and close for many reasons in our lives.
Emerging Buddhist is offline  
post #20 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-03-2016, 08:28 PM
Member
 
southbound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 2,762
Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

I'm just curious, what are you x in-laws view of your divorce? I assume they don't hold a grudge or think you were in the wrong since your wife cheated on you. What is their relationship with your x-wife? I know it's their daughter, but are they close? Do they think she's a nut for doing what she did?

There is nothing more sad or glorious than generations changing hands- John Mellencamp
southbound is offline  
post #21 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-04-2016, 05:44 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 6
Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

They supported me and my choice to divorce since their daughter had no intentions of trying to work anything out and left.

My X is somewhat close to her Dad and step-mom. Her mom lives about 10 hours away so they don't see each other very often anymore.

Her whole family thought she was an idiot for doing what she did and it broke their hearts. At least that is what they told me and I saw her Dad break down and cry over it.
BulletBoy is offline  
post #22 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-04-2016, 01:23 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by BulletBoy View Post
We talked last night. She said in the beginning that she was worried me and the X might reconcile, but is not now. We also talked about her past how her X husband was physically abusive and how his family played both sides offering to support her, then turned on her during the court hearings. I did my best to explain why it was important to me to keep a relationship with that side of the family. She stayed pretty calm, but I don't think it has sunk in yet. If it is an issue still, I will just end it with her.
In my opinion and from my own experience it will get worse by time.
SteveBo is offline  
post #23 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-05-2016, 01:08 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 943
Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

BB,

Provided you ex In-laws did not support the affair, or try to reconnect you with your ex and you have no contact with your ex you are justified in maintaining contact with the in-laws for your childrens sake.

There is always the danger however that your ex will try to use you she has destroyed her other options. In that sense your GF is correct.

Tamat
TAMAT is offline  
post #24 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 05:55 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 6
Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

Quote:
Originally Posted by SteveBo View Post
In my opinion and from my own experience it will get worse by time.
Like put the covers over her head while you try to talk to her about the current problem and try to figure things out.
BulletBoy is offline  
post #25 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 09:09 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 88
Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

Your girlfriend's insecurities are showing up in this instance and while she might accept your position on this one it's only a matter of time before the next "crisis".

No point in arguing with her over these things, it's your decision and what you need to do is state your position and make it clear that's how it's going to be and she can take it or leave it.

estes is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome