New Relationships and Ex In-laws - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-02-2016, 10:11 AM Thread Starter
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New Relationships and Ex In-laws

Hello,

I have been divorced three years now after my wife cheated on me after our daughter was born. I went to counseling etc and gave myself time to heal before dating again. The reason I am here to day is I started dating someone about 8 months ago that turn into a serious relation. The past weekend we got into a big argument because the dentist I go to is the one my ex-mother in-law works at. She has an issue with me still talking to my X's family because her former in-laws stabbed her in the back. Am I in the wrong to still consider my ex in-laws family? We always had a good relationship and only see each other a few time a year events that my daughter is at.

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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-02-2016, 01:18 PM
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Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

You aren't wrong. You are entitled to have the family relationships you want with the people that have value in your life, even ex in-laws. The question I have is why does she think she gets to dictate that.
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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-02-2016, 01:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

I was wondering the same thing. I found it to be very controlling.
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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-02-2016, 02:38 PM
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Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

Your girlfriend is insecure, this issue could just be the tip of the ice berg. Honestly because you have a kid I would encourage you to maintain some sort of relationship with the ex in laws, but I'm not insecure.
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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-02-2016, 02:53 PM
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Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

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Hello,

I have been divorced three years now after my wife cheated on me after our daughter was born. I went to counseling etc and gave myself time to heal before dating again. The reason I am here to day is I started dating someone about 8 months ago that turn into a serious relation. The past weekend we got into a big argument because the dentist I go to is the one my ex-mother in-law works at. She has an issue with me still talking to my X's family because her former in-laws stabbed her in the back. Am I in the wrong to still consider my ex in-laws family? We always had a good relationship and only see each other a few time a year events that my daughter is at.
This a distraction, there are other problems.

What did you say when you argued with her?

What did she say, when she argued with you?
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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-02-2016, 02:56 PM
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Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

A girlfriend of 8 months have no business telling you to cut ties with your ex-in-laws. To your daughter, these are still her grand-parents. She is totally out of line.

She is extremely insecure and have boundary issues. I would be very careful with this one. Don't involve her with your daughter.
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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-02-2016, 03:05 PM
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Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

Your daughter's presence in your life is going to dictate that your ex-in-laws are in most respects, going to continue to be your family!

That being said, you do anything and everything to help insure that your family relations do not go awry!

If your new lover cannot come to grips with that, then there are a few more fish swimming around in the sea!

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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-02-2016, 03:42 PM
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Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

You might want to do some reading. This book should help you deal with your situation and others like it.

https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-NUT.../dp/0979054400
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-02-2016, 07:29 PM Thread Starter
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I told her I would not turn my back on them after 10 years. That they are good people and still wanted a relationship with me. I said I still consider them family even though we are not able to spend time like we use to. They are more extended family. I also told her I would not change dentist just because my former mother in-law works there.

She said they would eventually turn on me and felt they had a hidden agenda or were keeping tabs on me. That she must not be family if they were considered family.

That is the clift notes version.
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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-03-2016, 05:16 AM
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Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

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I told her I would not turn my back on them after 10 years. That they are good people and still wanted a relationship with me. I said I still consider them family even though we are not able to spend time like we use to. They are more extended family. I also told her I would not change dentist just because my former mother in-law works there.

She said they would eventually turn on me and felt they had a hidden agenda or were keeping tabs on me. That she must not be family if they were considered family.

That is the clift notes version.
What a pathetically ridiculous thing for her to say. What's the hidden agenda? To slowly loosen your teeth so they eventually fall out? It's not like you will be having ultra personal conversations with your ex MIL, you're at a place of business where there are numerous other people around, and part of them have their hands in your mouth. How much can you say?

Your girlfriend is afraid any contact with the ex's family could possibly lead to reconciliation. She probably is also afraid some day she may have to meet them and she will be compared against your ex. Tell her you would have a lot more respect for her if she would just admit the truth instead of fabricating some evil agenda scenario. Very childish on her part.

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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-03-2016, 07:48 AM
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Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

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I told her I would not turn my back on them after 10 years. That they are good people and still wanted a relationship with me. I said I still consider them family even though we are not able to spend time like we use to. They are more extended family. I also told her I would not change dentist just because my former mother in-law works there.

She said they would eventually turn on me and felt they had a hidden agenda or were keeping tabs on me. That she must not be family if they were considered family.

That is the clift notes version.
This is why arguments get nowhere. You are going to be arguing with something that sounds like Alex Jones is saying. Women have to be talked to different, otherwise you'll never get to the bottom of it and stay connected. If you argue with these thoughts of hers, you will lose no matter what.

#1 Just have her explain her position, no matter how crazy you might think it is.

#2 Begin introducing your position, and prompt to see her side again.

You have to get her to see your logic, but it has to stem from her first. You also want her to explain that (like Cooper said) she has some fears of reconciliation, etc. Once she tells you that, you are golden. Until she feels safe enough to tell you the source of her concerns, this problem won't have a chance to be resolved. When her fears are on the table, you both can have a sincere conversation.
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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-03-2016, 08:00 AM
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Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

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I told her I would not turn my back on them after 10 years. That they are good people and still wanted a relationship with me. I said I still consider them family even though we are not able to spend time like we use to. They are more extended family. I also told her I would not change dentist just because my former mother in-law works there.

She said they would eventually turn on me and felt they had a hidden agenda or were keeping tabs on me. That she must not be family if they were considered family.

That is the clift notes version.
She isn't family, she's your GF.

If I were in your shoes I'd have a very direct conversation that establishes boundaries with what I'd tolerate in this avenue. It would go something like - Hey GF, I really like you but for this relationship to work you need to understand that there are things I will not compromise on. One of those is family and my relationship with them. I consider my kids grandparents to be family and because they are important in my kid's life they are important in my life too. I hope you can respect this. But if you insist on making me choose, then you need to understand that we have different priorities and this relationship will not work between us.

Then tell her to go think about it and contact you in a day or two with her decision. If she tries to pull you into an argument, just insist you said what you needed to say and that she needs to be on her own to think about it.

In a worst case scenario you two break up and you realize she isn't a good match for you. But at least then you did it on your terms.
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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-03-2016, 08:01 AM
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Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

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Originally Posted by BulletBoy View Post
I told her I would not turn my back on them after 10 years. That they are good people and still wanted a relationship with me. I said I still consider them family even though we are not able to spend time like we use to. They are more extended family. I also told her I would not change dentist just because my former mother in-law works there.

She said they would eventually turn on me and felt they had a hidden agenda or were keeping tabs on me. That she must not be family if they were considered family.

That is the clift notes version.
This seems almost paranoid. Just because she had a bad experience with ex's family doesn't mean they all have to be that way. I would suggest giving her examples of why your ex's family has earned your trust. I would also be worried about how other past experiences that have gone bad for her would effect your relationship with her. It seems that once someone gets on her bad side they never get off. Maybe try to explore why she is so negative about her ex's family...maybe some of her feelings are justified.
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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-03-2016, 08:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New Relationships and Ex In-laws

We talked last night. She said in the beginning that she was worried me and the X might reconcile, but is not now. We also talked about her past how her X husband was physically abusive and how his family played both sides offering to support her, then turned on her during the court hearings. I did my best to explain why it was important to me to keep a relationship with that side of the family. She stayed pretty calm, but I don't think it has sunk in yet. If it is an issue still, I will just end it with her.
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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-03-2016, 08:27 AM
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