Dating after divorce - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 66 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 11:48 AM Thread Starter
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Dating after divorce

Trying to move on after my divorce, as the papers were presented to the Judge to sign off. It's been about 7 years since dating, but my marriage died nearly a year after we got married. I went to some Meetup groups that I was active in prior to marriage. My now ex-wife didn't like the members, so we stopped going. I met this woman, she's 27 and I'm 36. She was talking to other single women that they were frustrated with the online dating scheme. I was interested in learning more, as I never gone that route, and I said, I guess this is what I need to look forward to in the new dating world. Anyway, after the group dinner, a few of us went to a bar. We were both friends with the group organizer, so she parked her car at her friends house, and I met her there so we can both drive to the bar. I was running late, so aparently she got my number from our mutual friend and called me to see where I was. I was there a few mins. later and we went to the bar. We seemed to have a good time in the car, talking and laughing, and such. Got to the bar, and we were talking on and off for a bit. I wanted to go play pool, she was game, but then she got tired. Dropped her back off at her car with our mutual friend. Friend gave both of us a hug, but she just waived. In addition, I found her Match profile, and she was / is looking for someone between 28 - 33. Though, we match up pretty well it seems. I spoke to our friend the next day and she asked what I thought of her, I said she's nice. She just said, yep, she's a good woman.

Seems like mixed singals to me, so I do not know the best eay to proceed, if at all. Sorry for coming off naive, but my signal reader is a bit off these days.

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post #2 of 66 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 11:52 AM
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Re: Dating after divorce

Curious, what mixed signals, you mean just waving at you? This was the first time really meeting her, correct? Given when you said good bye there was also a friend there, I could see why there would be hesitation in giving anything more than a handshake.

Did your friend give you any feedback on what she thought of you?
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post #3 of 66 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 12:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dating after divorce

Yea, the waive was a bit offsettling. Another dude who shown interest in her, but she wasn't interested she high fived. Whereas, outside the bar there was stroking of each others hand. Yet, in the bar, she sat with our mutual frind at first after we both walked in. Then, in her profile on Match, she was looking for a different age group as well as someone who wasn't married. I also didn't want any tension in the group if she said no. I didn't ask her what her friend thought of me, but she did ask what I thought of her. She also said she had a close relationship with her mother; similar to my ex-wife. Feels a bit high schoolish to ask our friend what she thinks of me, if at all.

Although, she was bold at times by asking for my cell and calling me in the car seeing where I was. As well as getting into my car. We've only knew each other for a few hours. I guess she felt safe as our mutal friend has known me for 8 years. I think I felt chemistry, but what I feel and what she feels can be different.
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post #4 of 66 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 12:24 PM
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Re: Dating after divorce

You are overthinking this whole process. If you like the girl just be direct and ask her out. If she says yes then she's interested and you can see where it goes from there. If she says no then be thankful that you didn't waste any time pursuing that one. If you are just feeling flattered because she is showing some interest then you are doing the rebound thing, so recognize it for what it is.
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post #5 of 66 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dating after divorce

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
You are overthinking this whole process. If you like the girl just be direct and ask her out. If she says yes then she's interested and you can see where it goes from there. If she says no then be thankful that you didn't waste any time pursuing that one. If you are just feeling flattered because she is showing some interest then you are doing the rebound thing, so recognize it for what it is.
Overthinking.. Possibly. Rebounding due to interest.. Probably not. Other's have shown interest, I wasn't interested in them. Also trying to avoid the rebound pitfall, so it could be why I'm a bit hesitant.
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post #6 of 66 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 12:36 PM
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Re: Dating after divorce

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Originally Posted by itsontherocks View Post
Overthinking.. Possibly. Rebounding due to interest.. Probably not. Other's have shown interest, I wasn't interested in them. Also trying to avoid the rebound pitfall, so it could be why I'm a bit hesitant.
If you like her ask her out, what do you have to lose? Either way you will know right away whether there were mixed signals or not, worse case you just move on (actually worse case would be locking her in your basement lol)
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post #7 of 66 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 12:55 PM
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Re: Dating after divorce

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I think I felt chemistry, but what I feel and what she feels can be different.
Very true that she may not feel what you feel. But it also doesn't mean you should give up if you have an interest in her.

Dating is both scary and fun. The scary part is rejection. Which is really only scary the first few times. You will get turned down. Get used to it now. It's okay. There is nothing wrong with you.

The fun part is getting to know new people and go out and try new things.

She called you right? So, that means you have her number too. Take thing direct. Remove your mutual friend from the equation. Text her, or call her. Let her know you had fun and that it was nice meeting her. See where it goes. Let it unfold naturally. What do you have to lose? Just be respectful so if anything gets back to your mutual friend you are not embarrassed. (in other words, no dic pics. lol).
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post #8 of 66 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 01:02 PM
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Re: Dating after divorce

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Overthinking.. Possibly. Rebounding due to interest.. Probably not. Other's have shown interest, I wasn't interested in them. Also trying to avoid the rebound pitfall, so it could be why I'm a bit hesitant.
I personally never liked wondering about whether a girl liked me or not, so I just asked out the ones I liked right away and got a quick answer. It saved a lot of time and stress, plus I never had to worry about whether an interesting prospect got away due to my inaction. My recommendation is just be direct with her. She'll appreciate it and even if she isn't interested she'll feel flattered that you asked her.

As far as the rebound thing goes, the best way to prevent it is to not let the relationship progress too quickly. That will give you both time to allow your feelings to develop naturally instead of rushing into something before you are ready.
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post #9 of 66 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 08:51 PM
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Re: Dating after divorce

Now is the time to face your fears and just do it. Ask her out, what is the worst that could happen? She says no? WTH you just got one of the biggest rejections in your life when you got divorced. Having someone you met a few hours ago say no is nothing at this point. But,, what if she says yes! Go for it!

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post #10 of 66 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 09:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dating after divorce

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
If you like her ask her out, what do you have to lose? Either way you will know right away whether there were mixed signals or not, worse case you just move on (actually worse case would be locking her in your basement lol)
True. I am seeing her again as a group this Saturday. I'll see how we jive.


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Originally Posted by Acoa View Post
Very true that she may not feel what you feel. But it also doesn't mean you should give up if you have an interest in her.

Dating is both scary and fun. The scary part is rejection. Which is really only scary the first few times. You will get turned down. Get used to it now. It's okay. There is nothing wrong with you.

The fun part is getting to know new people and go out and try new things.

She called you right? So, that means you have her number too. Take thing direct. Remove your mutual friend from the equation. Text her, or call her. Let her know you had fun and that it was nice meeting her. See where it goes. Let it unfold naturally. What do you have to lose? Just be respectful so if anything gets back to your mutual friend you are not embarrassed. (in other words, no dic pics. lol).
I agree. Not really nervous, just feels a bit awkard being im the position again.

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
I personally never liked wondering about whether a girl liked me or not, so I just asked out the ones I liked right away and got a quick answer. It saved a lot of time and stress, plus I never had to worry about whether an interesting prospect got away due to my inaction. My recommendation is just be direct with her. She'll appreciate it and even if she isn't interested she'll feel flattered that you asked her.

As far as the rebound thing goes, the best way to prevent it is to not let the relationship progress too quickly. That will give you both time to allow your feelings to develop naturally instead of rushing into something before you are ready.
Agreed. Wasn't going to jump right into bed with her. I was necer like that anyway.

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Now is the time to face your fears and just do it. Ask her out, what is the worst that could happen? She says no? WTH you just got one of the biggest rejections in your life when you got divorced. Having someone you met a few hours ago say no is nothing at this point. But,, what if she says yes! Go for it!
You have a point. Even though I filed for divorce, it still stings as a failed marriage. No one likes to feel as a backup or unwanted.

Still, I need to take baby steps. It's been almost a decade since I last dated. Seems things are a bit different now with the millennial generation.

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post #11 of 66 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 05:40 AM
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Re: Dating after divorce

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Still, I need to take baby steps. It's been almost a decade since I last dated. Seems things are a bit different now with the millennial generation.
Hopefully you will realize that it really is just like riding a bike. I was out of the dating world for 25 years. My dating life started off with fits and starts, but once you get started it will just take off. The only thing that really changes are some of the activities, otherwise the purpose and intent of dating haven't really changed. Don't overthink it, just go out and have fun! This one probably won't be the "one" in fact, once you realize that there is no "one" you can go out and explore the world seeking whatever it is that is best for you.

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post #12 of 66 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 01:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dating after divorce

Since the wife is not technically signed off on the papers yet if I can actually date? The papers are at her lawyers, so it's only a few weeks I assume. I can ask my lawyer, but he's 450 a hour and he'll charge me 30 minutes to respond via e-mail. We've been living apart for nearly six months. The marriage broke down beginning of 2015.

Hoping someone else would know.
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post #13 of 66 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 02:25 PM
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Re: Dating after divorce

I would say it depends on where you are and how amicably the divorce process has been going. In general, it's usually considered a bad idea to date before your divorce is finalized.

In some jurisdictions, dating during the divorce process can be a problem. You're still technically married, so that's technically infidelity which may make your filing void, anger the judge, or cause some other problem. However, in places with no-fault divorce, that's less of an issue.

But, if your wife hasn't signed off on the papers yet, then she still has the option not to. And if knowing you're dating pisses her off enough, she may just decide she's not going to sign. She may decide she's going to drag you back into negotiations over the settlement. She could, in fact, potentially stall the divorce for years and cost you thousands more in attorney fees, filing fees, court costs, etc. When either party wants to hurt the other, it's possible to drag out a divorce for a very long time and for a very large sum of money. If this is an amicable split, or she sees no reason to hold this against you, then you're probably fine. Only you know what you're dealing with.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #14 of 66 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 02:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dating after divorce

We live in two different counties. Haven't spoken or texted in months since I filed. It's no-fault, and both lawyers seem to be on the same page in getting over this with as little court involvement as possible. I guess I will run it by the lawyer just in case.
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post #15 of 66 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 02:56 PM
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Re: Dating after divorce

Not mixed signals. She likes you. Call her, be confident, ask her out for a 1-on-1 situation, not group.
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