Should we remain friends? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #31 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-31-2016, 06:00 AM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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Originally Posted by Spicy View Post
Hmmmm....

I have been divorced about 2 years, and I am remarried.
I DEFINTIELY am still friends with my XH and we work very, very hard to co-parent very lovingly and efficiently. Forgiving was the key for us, and we are both still healing.

I'm not saying we hang out all the time or anything, but we have no issue eating a meal together with the kids or filling each other in on health stuff, or sharing photos of our kids etc.

I always want to be his friend. My husband agrees and supports that fully, as his divorced parents are still friends and his dad and stepdad ended up as best friends.

I understand that this isn't the norm. IF you can forgive her, and have a moderate friendship, that is really great for everyone. It really makes our kids happy to see us always having good interaction. I understand that is not the consensus here, but that is my experience, so take it for what it is worth.

I wish you all healing and happiness.
I assume your ex obviously didn't lie to people, accuse you of cheating and destroying the marriage, and actively try to destroy your rep.

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post #32 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-31-2016, 10:35 AM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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Originally Posted by Spicy View Post
Hmmmm....

I have been divorced about 2 years, and I am remarried.
I DEFINTIELY am still friends with my XH and we work very, very hard to co-parent very lovingly and efficiently. Forgiving was the key for us, and we are both still healing.

I'm not saying we hang out all the time or anything, but we have no issue eating a meal together with the kids or filling each other in on health stuff, or sharing photos of our kids etc.

I always want to be his friend. My husband agrees and supports that fully, as his divorced parents are still friends and his dad and stepdad ended up as best friends.

I understand that this isn't the norm. IF you can forgive her, and have a moderate friendship, that is really great for everyone. It really makes our kids happy to see us always having good interaction. I understand that is not the consensus here, but that is my experience, so take it for what it is worth.

I wish you all healing and happiness.
I wanted this so much for my family as well and I am glad it has worked out for you all. However; it takes two people to make this work and in my case my STBX was saying one thing to me and quite the opposite to his family and friends; how I was so unhappy and that is the only reason I left or in his words broke up our family. In reality, he was cheating on me for some time and this was somehow not disclosed. Of course I was unhappy with his lies and cheating!

It doesn't happen very often, but when it does I know everyone is working at it! Very happy it did in your case.
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post #33 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-31-2016, 10:36 AM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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I assume your ex obviously didn't lie to people, accuse you of cheating and destroying the marriage, and actively try to destroy your rep.
Posted too soon; this exactly!
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post #34 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-31-2016, 01:36 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

Make a conscious decision to remove her from your life to the absolute furthest degree possible.

IOW, co-parent and nothing more.
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post #35 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-31-2016, 07:46 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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Originally Posted by 5Creed View Post
I wanted this so much for my family as well and I am glad it has worked out for you all. However; it takes two people to make this work and in my case my STBX was saying one thing to me and quite the opposite to his family and friends; how I was so unhappy and that is the only reason I left or in his words broke up our family. In reality, he was cheating on me for some time and this was somehow not disclosed. Of course I was unhappy with his lies and cheating!

It doesn't happen very often, but when it does I know everyone is working at it! Very happy it did in your case.
I should add that it not was smooth at first. The first six months no longer living together were super rocky. In fact I remember telling my now MIL that I felt like things were never going to get better, but she kept assuring me to give it time. She was right. Time does help a lot. I am totally in agreement that you both have to work on it though. So hopefully your ex will realize that at some point and join the right team.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #36 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-31-2016, 07:50 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I assume your ex obviously didn't lie to people, accuse you of cheating and destroying the marriage, and actively try to destroy your rep.
Correct. I understand that my experience is not the norm, but it is all I have to draw from, and occasionally it might be helpful to others.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #37 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-31-2016, 07:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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Originally Posted by Spicy View Post
I should add that it not was smooth at first. The first six months no longer living together were super rocky. In fact I remember telling my now MIL that I felt like things were never going to get better, but she kept assuring me to give it time. She was right. Time does help a lot. I am totally in agreement that you both have to work on it though. So hopefully your ex will realize that at some point and join the right team.
Well I know right now is hard because of the recent events, but I don't carry hate n my heart.. I know eventually she will pay for her mistakes but in the meantime I just want what is best for the kids.

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post #38 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-01-2016, 04:38 AM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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Correct. I understand that my experience is not the norm, but it is all I have to draw from, and occasionally it might be helpful to others.
6 years since divorce.
No cheating, marriage came to its natural ending.
3 kids.

We have remained very amicable, first 12 months were very difficult but we both have worked hard to have a healthy post divorce relationship.

We did 50/50 co parenting from day one.

Had no Lawyers involved in our financial agreement. No Lawyers involved in any part of the divorce.

We share most occasions, birthdays, Christmas, kids events etc. He and my partner get along, ex goes for dinner with just my dad a few times a year.

We still hold combined investments, I don't even remember the bank log in details but I trust the ex.

I would co parent with him but no more if there had been cheating in our marriage. There is no comparison between a marriage that ended with cheating and one that didn't.
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post #39 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-01-2016, 12:16 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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Originally Posted by MrsHolland View Post
6 years since divorce.
No cheating, marriage came to its natural ending.
3 kids.

We have remained very amicable, first 12 months were very difficult but we both have worked hard to have a healthy post divorce relationship.

We did 50/50 co parenting from day one.

Had no Lawyers involved in our financial agreement. No Lawyers involved in any part of the divorce.

We share most occasions, birthdays, Christmas, kids events etc. He and my partner get along, ex goes for dinner with just my dad a few times a year.

We still hold combined investments, I don't even remember the bank log in details but I trust the ex.

I would co parent with him but no more if there had been cheating in our marriage. There is no comparison between a marriage that ended with cheating and one that didn't.
Yep, you nearly described us to a T. Glad for you both and your kids.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #40 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-01-2016, 07:03 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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Yep, you nearly described us to a T. Glad for you both and your kids.
Maybe I was being too obtuse. When I first came to TAM I used to think that all divorces could/should be like ours but listening to others stories gave more perspective.

Listing all the ways my post divorce relationship with the ex was to show that I would not accommodate a relationship with him beyond co parenting IF the marriage ended due to cheating.

There is a vast difference between divorce due to cheating v's no cheating. It is far easier to have a healthy post divorce relationship if no cheating was involved. In the OPs case I would only co parent and not pursue anything else.

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post #41 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-01-2016, 09:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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Originally Posted by MrsHolland View Post
Maybe I was being too obtuse. When I first came to TAM I used to think that all divorces could/should be like ours but listening to others stories gave more perspective.

Listing all the ways my post divorce relationship with the ex was to show that I would not accommodate a relationship with him beyond co parenting IF the marriage ended due to cheating.

There is a vast difference between divorce due to cheating v's no cheating. It is far easier to have a healthy post divorce relationship if no cheating was involved. In the OPs case I would only co parent and not pursue anything else.
I agree, is hard to look at her in my case and try to be nice when I know she was being unfaithful and lying about it. I would had loved to be like some of you because of the children but at least for now.. I totally doubt that can happen

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post #42 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-01-2016, 09:37 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

OP I read a book called "spiritual divorce" by Debbie Ford when my marriage ended, being a non religious person I skipped the god references.

It helped enormously with post divorce healing. Not saying it is the answer to your post divorce situation but it might help you along the path to becoming a very healthy divorced person. It is about taking responsibility for our own failings and fault in the marriage ending. If your end goal is to have an amicable situation despite the cheating then this book may help.

All power to you and best wishes.
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post #43 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-01-2016, 11:52 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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Originally Posted by plomito View Post
I agree, is hard to look at her in my case and try to be nice when I know she was being unfaithful and lying about it. I would had loved to be like some of you because of the children but at least for now.. I totally doubt that can happen

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Correct, the way things are right now, it does seem impossible. Our love for our kids as parents is an amazing thing. I know it is what kept me there, in a miserable marriage, so they could still have their picture perfect world as long as possible. We never discussed our problems in front of them, so us seperating came as massive shock to them.

My XH didn't want the divorce. That made it rough. Still, from both sides they got a continued front of two parents that were on the same page, and didn't bash each other. This over time has lead to us being able to be friendly as we coparent.

If the day ever comes that she comes clean to you and asks you for forgiveness, consider trying it. It's not like you are going to get back together if you accept an apology and forgive. It could help you get past that part of your life, and let go of some of that anger and resentment. Then you will have more good energy to share with your kiddos.

The key again: time and forgiveness

Also, I believe forgiveness is good for your heart. If you can manage it, I recommend it.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #44 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-02-2016, 02:45 AM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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Correct, the way things are right now, it does seem impossible. Our love for our kids as parents is an amazing thing. I know it is what kept me there, in a miserable marriage, so they could still have their picture perfect world as long as possible. We never discussed our problems in front of them, so us seperating came as massive shock to them.

My XH didn't want the divorce. That made it rough. Still, from both sides they got a continued front of two parents that were on the same page, and didn't bash each other. This over time has lead to us being able to be friendly as we coparent.

If the day ever comes that she comes clean to you and asks you for forgiveness, consider trying it. It's not like you are going to get back together if you accept an apology and forgive. It could help you get past that part of your life, and let go of some of that anger and resentment. Then you will have more good energy to share with your kiddos.

The key again: time and forgiveness

Also, I believe forgiveness is good for your heart. If you can manage it, I recommend it.

It is not necessary to forgive in order to move on.

In fact, "forgiving" can raise other people's expectations, ie, "You've forgiving her, now why can't you two be friends......"
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post #45 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-05-2016, 05:39 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

My ex cheated, lied, painted me as a monster to his family and our friends - guess he underestimated their friendship and loyalty to me after 25 years of marriage - and left me for the OW he knew for exactly 10 days at that point.

I still cannot look at him without feeling sick to my stomach and wanting to rip him to shreds verbally. Like 5Creed, I tried to be friendly with him at first, allowing him to hang out with my son in my house, and talking with him about friends and family and work as if we were still friends. I told myself it was for our son's sake, but really it was really because I couldn't let go, and for him, I think it was like 5Creed said - it assuaged his guilt if I seemed to forgive him - if we could be friends, that made everything he had done OK. Recently, I talked to my son about it, and found he understands why it can't be like that anymore. His Dad now picks him up from school and takes him elsewhere on the days he's in town, rather than come into my house. He's given me back the keys. He drops him off and leaves. We text, and only about our son.

I feel so much better now that I've finally established some boundaries and they're being respected. It wasn't even hard to do - it was a lot harder playing the charade of friendship, when I could barely stand to look at him and have his toxic presence in my house. There is less tension in his and my son's relationship now, too.
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