Should we remain friends? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

User Tag List

 118Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-05-2016, 05:43 PM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 6,238
Re: Should we remain friends?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nomorebeans View Post
My ex cheated, lied, painted me as a monster to his family and our friends - guess he underestimated their friendship and loyalty to me after 25 years of marriage - and left me for the OW he knew for exactly 10 days at that point.

I still cannot look at him without feeling sick to my stomach and wanting to rip him to shreds verbally. Like 5Creed, I tried to be friendly with him at first, allowing him to hang out with my son in my house, and talking with him about friends and family and work as if we were still friends. I told myself it was for our son's sake, but really it was really because I couldn't let go, and for him, I think it was like 5Creed said - it assuaged his guilt if I seemed to forgive him - if we could be friends, that made everything he had done OK. Recently, I talked to my son about it, and found he understands why it can't be like that anymore. His Dad now picks him up from school and takes him elsewhere on the days he's in town, rather than come into my house. He's given me back the keys. He drops him off and leaves. We text, and only about our son.

I feel so much better now that I've finally established some boundaries and they're being respected. It wasn't even hard to do - it was a lot harder playing the charade of friendship, when I could barely stand to look at him and have his toxic presence in my house. There is less tension in his and my son's relationship now, too.

NMB, I am so, so happy to read this! And I am glad that it has helped you feel better! Way to go!


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
3Xnocharm is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-05-2016, 05:52 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,401
Re: Should we remain friends?

Definition of friend= loyal, trustworthy, honest. She doesn't fit the bill. Text or email about the kids only and keep that short. Pickups and drop offs, civil like you would be to a clear or mailman nothing more.

They always want to be friends to aleviate guilt and say "see he's ok with what I've done".
Marc878 is online now  
post #48 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-05-2016, 06:26 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
plomito's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NYC
Posts: 77
Re: Should we remain friends?

I must say, yes I notice the friendship thing won't work. I just finished dropping the baby and kept it as hi, and told her what he just ate and that he needs a bath and left. Of course she tries to text me to get me to talk but I just ignore it.. Because honestly I can't stand to look at her and pretend that everything is OK between us, because isn't. I don't know if with time we ever will be able to maybe communicate more but in the meantime I rather just keep it short and simple and only about our children.

I do have another question, just to hear some inputs. My oldest birthday is weeks away and he wants a dinner with all of us together as the family we once were. I honestly don't want to be near this lady, but would like to hear what others that have been there have to say

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk
plomito is offline  
 
post #49 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 08:51 AM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 852
Re: Should we remain friends?

Quote:
Originally Posted by plomito View Post
I must say, yes I notice the friendship thing won't work. I just finished dropping the baby and kept it as hi, and told her what he just ate and that he needs a bath and left. Of course she tries to text me to get me to talk but I just ignore it.. Because honestly I can't stand to look at her and pretend that everything is OK between us, because isn't. I don't know if with time we ever will be able to maybe communicate more but in the meantime I rather just keep it short and simple and only about our children.

I do have another question, just to hear some inputs. My oldest birthday is weeks away and he wants a dinner with all of us together as the family we once were. I honestly don't want to be near this lady, but would like to hear what others that have been there have to say

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk
Quite honestly I'd say give your kid what he wants and have a family dinner together on neutral ground (let your child pick the restaurant). There are going to be enough instances in the future where you two will have to be able to function civilly around each other, such as graduations, weddings, birth of grandchildren, etc. that you should just learn how to do it now. You shouldn't have to like or respect her to be civil around her and make small talk for short periods of time.

I do joint parenting activities with my XWW and the way I think about it is I'd rather be sitting in a room with a wh0re than be the wh0re in the room. So try to remember this is going to be more uncomfortable on her end than on yours.

After my divorce I did a few family activities with the XWW but they quickly disappeared. Think of it as a transition time and the further you two each get back to having individual lives the less of these joint family activities will remain for you to do.
Bananapeel is offline  
post #50 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 10:41 AM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,306
Re: Should we remain friends?

Quote:
Originally Posted by plomito View Post
I must say, yes I notice the friendship thing won't work. I just finished dropping the baby and kept it as hi, and told her what he just ate and that he needs a bath and left. Of course she tries to text me to get me to talk but I just ignore it.. Because honestly I can't stand to look at her and pretend that everything is OK between us, because isn't. I don't know if with time we ever will be able to maybe communicate more but in the meantime I rather just keep it short and simple and only about our children.

I do have another question, just to hear some inputs. My oldest birthday is weeks away and he wants a dinner with all of us together as the family we once were. I honestly don't want to be near this lady, but would like to hear what others that have been there have to say

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk
I wouldn't do it.

He needs to get to the point that he accepts that your family dynamic has changed. Plus it sounds like you're not (yet) in a place where you could pull it off w/o responding -- and very poorly -- to any baiting that your STBX throws your way.

Rip off the bandage.
Posted via Mobile Device

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #51 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 10:51 AM
Member
 
EllisRedding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Valhalla (Or the Northeast USA)
Posts: 6,544
Re: Should we remain friends?

Quote:
Originally Posted by plomito View Post
I must say, yes I notice the friendship thing won't work. I just finished dropping the baby and kept it as hi, and told her what he just ate and that he needs a bath and left. Of course she tries to text me to get me to talk but I just ignore it.. Because honestly I can't stand to look at her and pretend that everything is OK between us, because isn't. I don't know if with time we ever will be able to maybe communicate more but in the meantime I rather just keep it short and simple and only about our children.

I do have another question, just to hear some inputs. My oldest birthday is weeks away and he wants a dinner with all of us together as the family we once were. I honestly don't want to be near this lady, but would like to hear what others that have been there have to say

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk
You guys are no longer a family like you used to be, why bother further promoting this idea to your children. Such a dinner might just give your oldest hope that maybe you guys will get back together (maybe that is what he/she is hoping by this).

Also, if you need to see your Ex, just wear sunglasses ... on top of sunglasses ... to better hide your disgust with her

EllisRedding is offline  
post #52 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 02:42 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 4,443
Re: Should we remain friends?

Children want their parents together. Joint dinners -- and other joint events -- tend to give them false hope. Plus, if there's tension between their parents they usually pick up on that. And they may blame themselves.

It's rarely a good idea.
Openminded is offline  
post #53 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-16-2016, 05:57 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 745
Re: Should we remain friends?

Quote:
Originally Posted by plomito View Post
Hello,
Background:

We had some issues were she accused me of cheating and hide things from her, and all of the sudden she started with the i can't deal with this anymore and filled for divorce. I tried everything possible to bring her back and fix things, but i also found out she had a friend (co-worker) i confronted her about this guy, because he texted her a lot but she always denied it and of course because she filled, she felt she didn't need to give me an explanation.

After all was set and done, and i came across a conversation she had with her friend, and of course she all of the sudden was speechless.

I always wanted to have some sort of connection with her after divorce because she is the mother of my children, and i don't want to feel disconnected, but after the discovery is hard for me to even say hi, because after all those years of accusing me, and denying her affair, i showed her i was right, it wasn't me all this time it was her having an affair.

I just want to know, how should i handle this going forward, kids are and i make it my priority to see them as much as possible and be in their life, but i know situations will pop up were we might need to talk or even attend together as parents, and i can't lie, right at this moment i have 0 respect for her and nothing good will come out my mouth if she says the wrong thing to me.

Looking forward to some feedback, and thanks for reading this mess
Nothing good comes out of my STBXH's mouth if I say the wrong thing to him, and I didn't cheat or take anything from him financially. In other words, hoping for a good relationship after divorce is more about the temperament of both parties. If you can't rise above, then better to live two separate lives. That's what I've come to realize after many months of trying to do otherwise.
Posted via Mobile Device
Begin again is offline  
post #54 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 06:10 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
plomito's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NYC
Posts: 77
Re: Should we remain friends?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Begin again View Post
Nothing good comes out of my STBXH's mouth if I say the wrong thing to him, and I didn't cheat or take anything from him financially. In other words, hoping for a good relationship after divorce is more about the temperament of both parties. If you can't rise above, then better to live two separate lives. That's what I've come to realize after many months of trying to do otherwise.
Posted via Mobile Device
I agree, in my case I was the one being blame for everything and the minute I found out that she was the one doing the cheating everything changed.
Now she wants to be maintain a communication which I find weird because when we lived together she barely said a word to me, and honestly I tried but my disgust and disssapoinment is easy to notice the minute I'm in front of her, so I rather keep our communication at a minimum

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk
plomito is offline  
post #55 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 08:26 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,027
Re: Should we remain friends?

have you DNA the kids, not to prove they are yours but to make a point to her that you don't trust what she says.

Lostinthought61 is online now  
post #56 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 09:06 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,070
Re: Should we remain friends?

I would skip the family dinner as well. There is no point trying to maintain a facade. Plus the message you are giving your oldest is that it is OK to let other people betray your trust. He/she may not know the reality today. They may have a lot of unresolved issues. Perhaps some day it will all come out. For now all they need to know is that is that you and your ex are no longer a couple and don't do things as a couple. If it ever does come out, your oldest will have far more respect for you as a person for maintaining your boundaries than they would if you went along to get along.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
Ynot is online now  
post #57 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-22-2016, 09:16 AM
Member
 
Wolf1974's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 5,029
Re: Should we remain friends?

This way be a situation that changes or improves over time. When I was first getting divorced I was same as you. My x cheated and I would stop her at my door and not let her inside when she brought the kids over. The thought of doing anything with her, like a joint bday party, was out of the questions. 6 years have now gone by and we do a great job of co-parenting. We have had joint birthday parties, I have and do bring my GF and my friends to them as well, no drama, no problems. My disgust for her has and will always remain however I love my daughters more than despise her so i never found it hard or difficult to have these joint events.

All of our communication is only based on the kids. Sometimes she will forget and start to talk to me like her best friend again and I will just ignore it. But when we take vacations with our kids we will even send some pictures of the kids to each other. For example my daughters were involved in their cousins wedding. My x took pictures of them in their dresses and sent them to me which I appreciated.

So this dynamic can change. Do only what your comfortable doing for now.
Wolf1974 is offline  
post #58 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-22-2016, 09:34 AM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,401
Re: Should we remain friends?

You have to have a life too. For you to fully move on no contact as much as possible. Get your kids used to the new norm. They'll be fine and you can be a great father without your X involved.

A hard 180 is what you need. You'll probably find out that your bond with them will actually get stronger without the X involved.

Civil but text or email kids only short and to the point. Set your boundaries and keep them up. Life will be much better.
Marc878 is online now  
post #59 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-22-2016, 10:06 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 5,214
Re: Should we remain friends?

Say it with me....CONTROL.......

She wants to control the situation and you. Dinners together are for prom, school functions and big events when you co-parent. They are not for the facade of protecting the children.
phillybeffandswiss is offline  
post #60 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 09:38 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
plomito's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NYC
Posts: 77
Re: Should we remain friends?

Quote:
Originally Posted by phillybeffandswiss View Post
Say it with me....CONTROL.......

She wants to control the situation and you. Dinners together are for prom, school functions and big events when you co-parent. They are not for the facade of protecting the children.
You are absolutely correct, we saw each other recently and had another argument because she still thinks she can manipulate me to do what she wants.

I think the best option for now is to stay away from each other until she learns how co-patenting works, her definition is totally different from mine and I can't deal with somebody that is always looking to start an argument and play victim.



Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk
plomito is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I have a problem with my good friends girlfriend PersonInSpace The Men's Clubhouse 24 08-08-2016 06:07 PM
After the Break-Up Should You Remain Friends? nataly87 General Relationship Discussion 46 05-31-2016 07:54 PM
My wife needs to make friends, but HOW! jjand Long Term Success in Marriage 12 04-22-2016 07:14 PM
Having trouble with WW wanting to be friends philreag Going Through Divorce or Separation 35 02-28-2016 09:04 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome