Should we remain friends? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #61 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 10:59 AM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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Originally Posted by plomito View Post
You are absolutely correct, we saw each other recently and had another argument because she still thinks she can manipulate me to do what she wants.

I think the best option for now is to stay away from each other until she learns how co-patenting works, her definition is totally different from mine and I can't deal with somebody that is always looking to start an argument and play victim.



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He is correct. After my ex left she tried the "we can still be friends" ploy with me. It was just another effort on her part to control the situation. She tried to get me to pay 1/2 my daughter's college loans, wanted to have a "family" Christmas dinner (at her place of course) and all sorts of other subtle attempts at manipulation. Later she contacted me about things that she needed (but never thought of in her great escape) asking me to drop everything to come to her aid. More recently she reached out thru my DIL for a meeting before our childrens' weddings. That was just another effort on her part to control everything. Wed could only meet on certain days at certain times and only under her conditions. I actually agreed to her terms, only to have her not follow thru. Just another effort on her part to attempt to control a situation. The best thing you can do is limit your contact with her to the absolute minimum. Do not engage her except as needed. I no longer have any need to speak, see or hear from my ex in any way. I have no intention of ever seeing her again. it isn't a matter of anger, it is more about removing negative influences from my life. She had been one and I see no purpose in allowing her to influence me in any way going forward.


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post #62 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 11:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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He is correct. After my ex left she tried the "we can still be friends" ploy with me. It was just another effort on her part to control the situation. She tried to get me to pay 1/2 my daughter's college loans, wanted to have a "family" Christmas dinner (at her place of course) and all sorts of other subtle attempts at manipulation. Later she contacted me about things that she needed (but never thought of in her great escape) asking me to drop everything to come to her aid. More recently she reached out thru my DIL for a meeting before our childrens' weddings. That was just another effort on her part to control everything. Wed could only meet on certain days at certain times and only under her conditions. I actually agreed to her terms, only to have her not follow thru. Just another effort on her part to attempt to control a situation. The best thing you can do is limit your contact with her to the absolute minimum. Do not engage her except as needed. I no longer have any need to speak, see or hear from my ex in any way. I have no intention of ever seeing her again. it isn't a matter of anger, it is more about removing negative influences from my life. She had been one and I see no purpose in allowing her to influence me in any way going forward.
In my case she receives child support, and is a really good amount, yet she keeps contacting me to give her money for stuff that as per court I don't have to. In one way is sad but I got a good chunk of my income handed to her in a silver platter weekly. I noticed she was trying to play nice because she was looking for me to split a payment she needs to make for my oldest, of course the minute I said no her attitude changed and her comes the threats, the famous I have nothing to lose but you do. I explained to her as per court I'm pretty much at my max and honestly I have to survive with what I have left, but she doesn't care. That's why I question this remain friends, at least with somebody like her

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post #63 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 11:20 AM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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In my case she receives child support, and is a really good amount, yet she keeps contacting me to give her money for stuff that as per court I don't have to. In one way is sad but I got a good chunk of my income handed to her in a silver platter weekly. I noticed she was trying to play nice because she was looking for me to split a payment she needs to make for my oldest, of course the minute I said no her attitude changed and her comes the threats, the famous I have nothing to lose but you do. I explained to her as per court I'm pretty much at my max and honestly I have to survive with what I have left, but she doesn't care. That's why I question this remain friends, at least with somebody like her

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Your answer is right there. When you say no, she changes and becomes threatening. True friends don't threaten each other. My ex used the threat of legal action against me. She held it over my head to try to get what she wanted. That was not a friendly gesture.

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post #64 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 11:56 AM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

She fired you from the husband job. Is she still with her affair partner? If so tell her to cal/textl him.


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post #65 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 02:06 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

It is completely false that ex spouses have to be friends or even more than civil to each other. Sure, there will be school functions, graduations, weddings, births of grandkids, etc. None of that means you have to even so much as speak to her.

You can both arrange separate celebrations for birthdays and holidays. Parent-teacher conferences can be scheduled separately. For school plays, band concerts, sporting events, graduations, or whatever, you arrive separately, sit on opposite sides of the venue, and have no need to interact. When the grandkids come along, you go to the hospital to see the baby at different times. In all reality, it's not that hard to avoid other than the absolute bare minimum interaction with your ex.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #66 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 02:19 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

Please clarify the expenses she wants help with. Do they help her or the children?

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #67 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 09:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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Please clarify the expenses she wants help with. Do they help her or the children?


Well, we all know she gets her child support but according to her since she enrolled our 2 year old in daycare she finds herself sometime running short. Also she tells the older ones to call and request money for stuff they need. I don't have a problem providing for my children, but also she gets a good amount weekly, and is not fair that not only she takes a good amount weekly, but also give her from the little I get


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post #68 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-23-2016, 10:46 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

Got it, spends some of child support on herself and then ask daughter to ask you to buy clothes, books, etc fir them.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #69 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-24-2016, 10:36 AM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

When I found out my XWW was cheating she blame-shifted as well. That’s pretty common.

At first I wanted to R. She claimed she did as well but put in no real effort for almost a year. She would still not tell me the whole truth or answer most of the questions I had. Finally I decided to file for D. Somehow she thought we would still be friends after the D was final. I tried the be friendly and go with it but it was just too painful for me with her regular phone calls, texts and just walking in my house and even flirting. I decided to do what was best for me…no contact. This was the best way for me to heal. My kids were teenagers at the time so contact with XWW wasn’t that important, and they understood. If I were to have remained friendly with her it would have added years to my recovery. It’s possible that I could have got caught in a loop and never recovered. I couldn’t move forward if I was still in the past. I needed distance from her for my own sanity.

If there was no cheating, lying, and blame-shifting I could have remained friends. If I wouldn’t keep a friend in my life that treated half as bad as she did, Why would I keep and XWW?

In the end, you need to do what's best for you and your kids.
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post #70 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-24-2016, 10:44 AM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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Originally Posted by plomito View Post
In my case she receives child support, and is a really good amount, yet she keeps contacting me to give her money for stuff that as per court I don't have to. In one way is sad but I got a good chunk of my income handed to her in a silver platter weekly. I noticed she was trying to play nice because she was looking for me to split a payment she needs to make for my oldest, of course the minute I said no her attitude changed and her comes the threats, the famous I have nothing to lose but you do. I explained to her as per court I'm pretty much at my max and honestly I have to survive with what I have left, but she doesn't care. That's why I question this remain friends, at least with somebody like her

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I think my XWW was just using me as well by playing nice. Staying in my life was one of the tools she used. I put a stop to this crap with no contact. I pay her an UN-Godly amount of alimony as well as child support. She was using all of it for herself and still wanting me to buy all the clothes and everyday stuff for the kids witch were with me over 50 % of the time.

I now stick to the settlement agreement...and no a penny more.

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post #71 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-24-2016, 11:07 AM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
It is completely false that ex spouses have to be friends or even more than civil to each other. Sure, there will be school functions, graduations, weddings, births of grandkids, etc. None of that means you have to even so much as speak to her.

You can both arrange separate celebrations for birthdays and holidays. Parent-teacher conferences can be scheduled separately. For school plays, band concerts, sporting events, graduations, or whatever, you arrive separately, sit on opposite sides of the venue, and have no need to interact. When the grandkids come along, you go to the hospital to see the baby at different times. In all reality, it's not that hard to avoid other than the absolute bare minimum interaction with your ex.
While I can understand the feeling all that does is stress your kids out. If they are school age then they have to decide which parent to go and speak to first after and event or a teacher meeting. Whatever you feelings for each other the children should not be put in the middle.

I also understand that that may be easier said than done.
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post #72 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-24-2016, 11:53 AM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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In my case she receives child support, and is a really good amount, yet she keeps contacting me to give her money for stuff that as per court I don't have to. In one way is sad but I got a good chunk of my income handed to her in a silver platter weekly.
This is where the court agreement comes into play, you do not have to pay for anything that was not stated in the agreement. Technically the child support is to pay for your contribution for the children. That is the whole point of child support.

Do you mind me asking what is your parenting plan? (50/50 or something else) The reason I ask is why do you pay so much child support.

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Originally Posted by plomito View Post
I noticed she was trying to play nice because she was looking for me to split a payment she needs to make for my oldest, of course the minute I said no her attitude changed and her comes the threats, the famous I have nothing to lose but you do. I explained to her as per court I'm pretty much at my max and honestly I have to survive with what I have left, but she doesn't care. That's why I question this remain friends, at least with somebody like her
She needs to make a payment? So let her. If she falls short, she may need to consider getting better employment. It is not your job to support her any longer. This is one of the reasons other posters recommend using only text or email so that you can have some documentation of her outburst for possible future use. I would also recommend keeping a journal of all you activities with your children and interactions with you ex.


To your original question, this is not a woman I would consider staying "friends". Not only did she lie to you for years, she shamelessly blame shifted the entire cheating episode onto you. Not anyone I would ever be able to trust or be friends with.

My wife left me because she "was not happy" and later found she had been cheating on me too. I tried the friends route but it was entirely to hard to be in her general vicinity after a while. I would get extremely anxious and could not wait to get out of her sight. So I took a much more distant approach to dealing with her. Most things are done via email with a few texts. Years down the road I have been able to move forward and I can deal with her a lot better than the past. It helps that my kids are both older teenagers and I don't need to interact with the ex much anymore. We did a decent job co-parenting but we are far from friends.
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post #73 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-24-2016, 09:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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Please clarify the expenses she wants help with. Do they help her or the children?
When she filed for child support it was pretty much to cover my children expenses, but we all know how that goes. for the few months she was getting some arrears, and she started to shop and act like she was a millionaire and i guess once the arrears were satisfied now she wants to keep that lifestyle.

I told her as per court i can't be giving her extra because that is considered a gratuity and she is getting a good amount, she needs to cut her expenses and adjust her lifestyle or have her new man help her because honestly i refuse to keep giving her extra when she is already getting a set amount weekly
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post #74 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-24-2016, 10:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should we remain friends?

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This is where the court agreement comes into play, you do not have to pay for anything that was not stated in the agreement. Technically the child support is to pay for your contribution for the children. That is the whole point of child support.

Do you mind me asking what is your parenting plan? (50/50 or something else) The reason I ask is why do you pay so much child support.



She needs to make a payment? So let her. If she falls short, she may need to consider getting better employment. It is not your job to support her any longer. This is one of the reasons other posters recommend using only text or email so that you can have some documentation of her outburst for possible future use. I would also recommend keeping a journal of all you activities with your children and interactions with you ex.


To your original question, this is not a woman I would consider staying "friends". Not only did she lie to you for years, she shamelessly blame shifted the entire cheating episode onto you. Not anyone I would ever be able to trust or be friends with.

My wife left me because she "was not happy" and later found she had been cheating on me too. I tried the friends route but it was entirely to hard to be in her general vicinity after a while. I would get extremely anxious and could not wait to get out of her sight. So I took a much more distant approach to dealing with her. Most things are done via email with a few texts. Years down the road I have been able to move forward and I can deal with her a lot better than the past. It helps that my kids are both older teenagers and I don't need to interact with the ex much anymore. We did a decent job co-parenting but we are far from friends.
In my case we have a two year old and this is the only reason we talk. I actually don't want to be around her because i feel disgusted how somebody spent all that time blaming me for something she was doing and with somebody who was out mutual friend.

Like i said before i honestly do not see any room for friendship because she wants me to do what she wants and the minute i say no is a brand new war. I rather keep it via text or email, and all our conversations short and only about our kids, the rest i have no interest. I explained to my older ones how child support works, and why i can't be giving them money like before. I feel bad saying no to them, but my pay has taken a huge hit after child support.
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post #75 of 77 (permalink) Old 10-24-2016, 10:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should we remain friends?

I am actually considering family court, because when she gets mad her first move is to keep my children away from me, specially the two year old, and i am getting tired of this drama
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