Should we remain friends? - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 12:46 PM Thread Starter
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Question Should we remain friends?

Hello,
Background:

We had some issues were she accused me of cheating and hide things from her, and all of the sudden she started with the i can't deal with this anymore and filled for divorce. I tried everything possible to bring her back and fix things, but i also found out she had a friend (co-worker) i confronted her about this guy, because he texted her a lot but she always denied it and of course because she filled, she felt she didn't need to give me an explanation.

After all was set and done, and i came across a conversation she had with her friend, and of course she all of the sudden was speechless.

I always wanted to have some sort of connection with her after divorce because she is the mother of my children, and i don't want to feel disconnected, but after the discovery is hard for me to even say hi, because after all those years of accusing me, and denying her affair, i showed her i was right, it wasn't me all this time it was her having an affair.

I just want to know, how should i handle this going forward, kids are and i make it my priority to see them as much as possible and be in their life, but i know situations will pop up were we might need to talk or even attend together as parents, and i can't lie, right at this moment i have 0 respect for her and nothing good will come out my mouth if she says the wrong thing to me.

Looking forward to some feedback, and thanks for reading this mess

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post #2 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 01:09 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

She filed for divorce because she was cheating. You should not have any contact with her whatsoever that is not directly related to discussions about the kids. You don't need to attend events as parents. You schedule your own meetings with the teachers. If graduation events, you sit separately from her.

Use text or email as much as possible.

You are not and never will be "friends". Stop using that word. At this point she is only the mother of your children, nothing more.

BTW, you cannot remain friends because you stopped being friends when you found the cheating. You don't have to hate her. Just be indifferent.
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post #3 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 01:20 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

She never was your ''friend.'' Friends don't do what she did, so maybe just be kind to her for the sake of the kids, but I wouldn't ask about her life, or ''pretend'' you're friends, because that's all it will be, a fake friendship. You don't need to be her friend, she's not yours.
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post #4 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 06:05 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

In your situation I would co parent and no more.
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post #5 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-28-2016, 05:20 AM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

At this point she is nothing more than a business associate, the business being raising the kids. The "friends" word should never enter the equation, you don't need to be friends to work together on being good parents. Be cordial, be direct, be mature, nothing more and nothing less.

Last edited by Cooper; 08-29-2016 at 04:57 AM.
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post #6 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-28-2016, 06:20 AM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

I agree with the others. You can never be friends with this woman. That doesn't mean you can't be friendly and polite in your dealings with her. You say, Hello, Thank You please and Goodbye - and even that you do for the sake of the kids. Firnedship is based on trust, she has destroyed (or should have) any trust there was between the two of you.

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post #7 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-29-2016, 10:58 AM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

What I don't really understand is why do you want to maintain a connection with her? How long ago was the divorce and cheating? Has enough time passed yet that you have made your own life without her? If it hasn't been long then just give it some time and try to see how you feel in six months or a year. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with wanting to be friends with an ex, the problem occurs when you consider someone that lies, cheats, and destroys your family a good enough person to be friends with.

In a few days I'm coming up on my one year divorceversary and it took me about 3-6 months post divorce to go through the whole cycle of wanting to maintain a friendship with my XWW (I said it was for the kids), to disliking her (for what she did to break up my kid's family), to eventually just not caring and maintain a civil relationship (this is actually best for the kids). Going through the cycle is one of the normal healthy responses, but try to recognize it for what it is and don't act on it.
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post #8 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-29-2016, 11:12 AM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

Have you exposed the truth to the rest of the family? Do they know why the two of you really divorced? If the divorce is settled and there is no issues with custody, I would notify her parents and siblings and tell them the truth. God knows she has been spreading lies about you and getting everyone to hate you.

Doing this will go a long ways towards helping you heal, and detaching from her further.
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post #9 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-29-2016, 04:02 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

I am going full nuclear with my ex.....I told her upfront that once she divorces me she will never lay eyes on me again. I have older kids and they understand this because I have discussed this with them. I choose to never have to experience the pain or awkwardness of ever being in the same room ever again. My choice.
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post #10 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-29-2016, 04:07 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

Be amicable and cooperative co-parents. Nothing more. No chit chat about what is going on in your lives, no doing favors for each other, no NOTHING other than your kids.


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #11 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-29-2016, 04:11 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

Friendly but not friends.

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post #12 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-29-2016, 04:24 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

Do you want to be in pain for the rest of your life?????? If so, invest thought into whether she still breathes.

If you want to move forward, heal, and find happiness with yourself and perhaps meet a woman who truly IS your friend, never lay eyes on her any more than you have to, don't EVER consider chit-chatting with her and giving her ego kibbles, and basically ONLY deal with her in a matter-of-fact tone.

You can be friends with a snake if you want. But play with a snake and you're gonna get bit.
BTW, mine tried the same thing as yours. But she knew dang well I wouldn't be phased by her saying I'm a cheater. SO she just said I was a bad husband and father and she wanted to be treated like a princess........
JMO.
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post #13 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-30-2016, 12:14 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

Please listen to what others are saying. For some people; it is difficult to cut those ties and forge ahead with the new but "non" relationship with your ex. I tried this for quite some time being friends with my ex. He would call and want to talk about life etc. I finally realized it was just his guilt doing this for what his cheating had done to my family and if I was still nice to him; then all was well! It just kept me mired in crap and further limbo and was so painful. I didn't see it at the time because I made excuses that it was best for the kids, for my family to not be uncomfortable because 5Creed could just look past all that had happened. It was one big mess. Now that I have stopped doing this and only discuss the children when I absolutely have to with him, I feel so much relief. My boundaries are up high and tight with him now and he resisted at first and bothered me to no end. Funny how someone will quit all that when they get no response from you. The only thing that worked with him was my doing just this!

Start doing this sooner than later. You will heal much faster this way.
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post #14 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-30-2016, 12:41 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

My exH suggested the friends path with me. I considered his behaviour up to that poin: cherry picking my friends to be his; planning activities and letting me the last to know about them; allowing his friends to be rude to me.......

I asked myself, did I want more of them just to show what a good sport I am. the answer was no.

and the other thing I would advise you, OP, to do is to avoid people who have any contact with your ex. Or you may be surprised how much you will be the subject of their conversations.
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post #15 of 77 (permalink) Old 08-30-2016, 02:37 PM
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Re: Should we remain friends?

I find it interesting that in the rare instance when the husband files for the divorce, the wife has no interest in talking again or attempting on reconciliation. Yet, when the wife files for the divorce, the husband seems to want to try and reconcillate. Anyone else notice this? I am also taking in to consideration if the two do not have any children together.
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